Entering Divorce proceedings - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 186Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #106 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 05:08 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 117
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
I was referring to her friends maybe since Johna mentioned an outside driving force, I dont know honestly.

I agree for me MC has to be 100% all in, they conflict MC works to bring you back together and Mediation works to seperate your lives and assets.

She told me after 12 years she is conflicted so wants to give it a chance to see if she can open back up to me for R.
Ah, yes, in all likelihood her divorced friends, and ones that aren't, are giving her advice to end it. That's expected though; friends are typically going to be supportive of the person's outlook on the situation. If she wants to divorce, they're going to agree. Maybe a few mutual friends will give some pushback, but not many.

Have you expressed your opinion about MC vs. mediation to your wife as succinctly as you did in your post? It's a completely reasonable and justifiable stance for both of you. Being conflicted, as she has claimed, is totally expected and you can go into MC not sure of what you want, but you can't go in with the specter of something that is completely the opposite of what MC is about.

Tell her how you feel and say you'd need all talk of mediation and divorce to be put on hold for as long as you two are trying to reconcile. If she balks, stand firm IMO.

golfpanther is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #107 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:01 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 216
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
Ah, yes, in all likelihood her divorced friends, and ones that aren't, are giving her advice to end it. That's expected though; friends are typically going to be supportive of the person's outlook on the situation. If she wants to divorce, they're going to agree. Maybe a few mutual friends will give some pushback, but not many.

Have you expressed your opinion about MC vs. mediation to your wife as succinctly as you did in your post? It's a completely reasonable and justifiable stance for both of you. Being conflicted, as she has claimed, is totally expected and you can go into MC not sure of what you want, but you can't go in with the specter of something that is completely the opposite of what MC is about.

Tell her how you feel and say you'd need all talk of mediation and divorce to be put on hold for as long as you two are trying to reconcile. If she balks, stand firm IMO.
Yes I had told her but only by text really since it is tough to get her to talk about anything, did manage to have a conversation last night and we are putting it on hold and going MC. last night I was all for this and excited but woke up this morning not really interested again. I really wish my mood/emotions and thoughts would stabilize one way or the other.

M - 12
Kids - 2
MovingForward is offline  
post #108 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:27 AM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 4,950
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
Yes I had told her but only by text really since it is tough to get her to talk about anything, did manage to have a conversation last night and we are putting it on hold and going MC. last night I was all for this and excited but woke up this morning not really interested again. I really wish my mood/emotions and thoughts would stabilize one way or the other.
She has had you on a roller coaster for quite some time now. Your mood/emotions are going to be all over the place for a while, until you know for sure the future of the marriage (divorce or back together for reals), and even once you know your emotions will still be all over the place. You have to learn how to take care of yourself, and forgive yourself when you're having a bad day or being inconsistent. I'm not surprised that you're not really interested this morning. Last night, there was probably a rush of endorphins, which creates a high, and overnight you crashed from that high, which has resulted in not being interested. And your subconscious is likely also trying to protect you from getting your hopes up, after the way she's been constantly jerking you around lately.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is offline  
 
post #109 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:31 AM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 5,780
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Going thru MC is only prolonging the inevitable, and you will have to go through this all over again from the beginning.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is offline  
post #110 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:54 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 216
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
She has had you on a roller coaster for quite some time now. Your mood/emotions are going to be all over the place for a while, until you know for sure the future of the marriage (divorce or back together for reals), and even once you know your emotions will still be all over the place. You have to learn how to take care of yourself, and forgive yourself when you're having a bad day or being inconsistent. I'm not surprised that you're not really interested this morning. Last night, there was probably a rush of endorphins, which creates a high, and overnight you crashed from that high, which has resulted in not being interested. And your subconscious is likely also trying to protect you from getting your hopes up, after the way she's been constantly jerking you around lately.
I have managed to somewhat detach but not fully still get down on occasions out the blue, I still have some doubt and worried about regret in future if I don't at least give MC a try since she is the one who asked. Had a lot of time to reflect on it all as well over last few months and not sure if I willed myself into this state or if it is true but not sure if I was actually happy in the marriage and if I want to go back to it, still have lot of fear and uncertainty on if what I am doing is the right thing to do.

We are going next week and maybe it will be an eye opener one way or the other and help me make a clearer decision on how to proceed.

M - 12
Kids - 2
MovingForward is offline  
post #111 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:57 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 216
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
Going thru MC is only prolonging the inevitable, and you will have to go through this all over again from the beginning.
I have the same worries that I am wasting my time or same will happen again in the future I just feel like I would regret it if I didn't give it a shot, hoping it can give me some closure or cement my decision either way.

Trust has gone currently and not sure if I can even get that back but a couple weeks hopefully wont make things worse she will either show she is committed or not.

M - 12
Kids - 2
MovingForward is offline  
post #112 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:46 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 117
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
I have the same worries that I am wasting my time or same will happen again in the future I just feel like I would regret it if I didn't give it a shot, hoping it can give me some closure or cement my decision either way.

Trust has gone currently and not sure if I can even get that back but a couple weeks hopefully wont make things worse she will either show she is committed or not.
The worries and lack of trust are completely normal and you should be honest about those feelings if you choose to go the MC route.

I think it might take more than a couple of weeks to know if she's fully committed or not, unless the two of you were going to an intensive and not around once a week sessions.

One thing you'll have to figure out for yourself going in is if you are 100% committed to trying to make it work. Doubts and fears are normal, but you have to really want to try for it to have any chance—same with her.

IMO, f you think you'll regret just walking away then you should do it and go all in.
golfpanther is offline  
post #113 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:52 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 216
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by golfpanther View Post
The worries and lack of trust are completely normal and you should be honest about those feelings if you choose to go the MC route.

I think it might take more than a couple of weeks to know if she's fully committed or not, unless the two of you were going to an intensive and not around once a week sessions.

One thing you'll have to figure out for yourself going in is if you are 100% committed to trying to make it work. Doubts and fears are normal, but you have to really want to try for it to have any chance—same with her.

IMO, f you think you'll regret just walking away then you should do it and go all in.
That is what I was thinking I am hoping the MC really get some communication going. I don't think I could take much of it though if she doesn't start showing some commitment pretty early on.

M - 12
Kids - 2
MovingForward is offline  
post #114 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:23 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 2,960
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

what has waiting on her to decide your fate gotten you?

Did you ever even bother to check your phone bill?

The whoa is me attitude isn't going to get you much.

I hope you wake up.
Marc878 is online now  
post #115 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:22 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Tampa area
Posts: 2,384
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Hi,

Have you read any of the links or reviewed any of the material I suggested? As to MC, use it as a tool to gain insight into how your actions and words might effect others. Don't defend yourself at this time. Instead listen and learn. Then review the material I suggested and make adjustments if YOU feel they are needed.

Two most important traits to posses: listening and hearing, using silence to force additional info into the open. Does the phase "hidden objections " ring a bell?


How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
JohnA is online now  
post #116 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:51 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 216
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
Hi,

Have you read any of the links or reviewed any of the material I suggested? As to MC, use it as a tool to gain insight into how your actions and words might effect others. Don't defend yourself at this time. Instead listen and learn. Then review the material I suggested and make adjustments if YOU feel they are needed.

Two most important traits to posses: listening and hearing, using silence to force additional info into the open. Does the phase "hidden objections " ring a bell?
I have, I just want to hear her out and hear what the MC has to say, I don't see much harm at this point and if anything think it will help me understand some things maybe and either not do it in future or leave feeling like I was OK and the problem was me.

M - 12
Kids - 2
MovingForward is offline  
post #117 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:52 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 216
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
what has waiting on her to decide your fate gotten you?

Did you ever even bother to check your phone bill?

The whoa is me attitude isn't going to get you much.

I hope you wake up.
I don't have access to phone bill, we don't have a land line and both our phones are through our companies.

M - 12
Kids - 2
MovingForward is offline  
post #118 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:28 AM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,166
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
I have, I just want to hear her out and hear what the MC has to say, I don't see much harm at this point and if anything think it will help me understand some things maybe and either not do it in future or leave feeling like I was OK and the problem was me.
You want her to show you and a third party what a flake she is...so then your decision will be an easy one.
bandit.45 is offline  
post #119 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:34 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,903
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Moving....if she wants MC, than in turn you should be able to ask for full disclosure from her, if she can't give that than MC is useless.
Lostinthought61 is offline  
post #120 of 243 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:34 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 74
Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
Maybe I hit the bottom so hard that the only way is back up for the time being and I'm sure once it is all done and over and we are living apart and the first night I dont have the kids that will be when it all hits me again and I hit my breaking point.

When it first came out I was so down on myself felt like a failure and lost all my confidence as a person but posting on here has been a huge help as has speaking to the few people I have told for work/financial reasons and people help build you back up a little at a time.

Also I think the Joint custody has been a huge wake up call and relief for me since I am very hand on with the Children.
Don't break down just be calm n face it with patience

Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk
coolgal is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My separation and probably divorce Oscarquevedo83 Considering Divorce or Separation 2 08-14-2016 06:18 PM
Divorce advice needed life.is.pain Going Through Divorce or Separation 47 07-27-2016 09:59 PM
Divorce, over the precipice AvoidDivorce Going Through Divorce or Separation 20 07-03-2016 06:34 PM
Hope after signing divorce petition. Andy101 Going Through Divorce or Separation 47 02-16-2016 12:57 AM
Divorce, dating and going all the way Threeblessings Going Through Divorce or Separation 2 01-31-2016 02:56 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome