Entering Divorce proceedings - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by Lostinthought61 View Post
Moving....if she wants MC, than in turn you should be able to ask for full disclosure from her, if she can't give that than MC is useless.
I am hoping that's what I will get some clarity on the entire situation and how this all came about. The confusion and back and forth is the worst part.'

If she told me she wants someone else or I caught her it would be so much easier but I have no proof, confession and very little info on her thoughts/feelings or emotional state.


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post #122 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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You want her to show you and a third party what a flake she is...so then your decision will be an easy one.
I just want to find out something or hear from her and have MC translate because I am not sure she knows what she is thinking anymore and it changes day to day. Currently and it is my fault but I am in somewhat of a limbo and I am partially responsible for keeping myself here but this is my family and my Children and 12 years that I just cannot walk away from unless I know for sure what is going on and I am making the right decision.

MC might not help at all and it might not give me what I am looking for but I know I would regret not giving it ago.

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post #123 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:21 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
I just want to find out something or hear from her and have MC translate because I am not sure she knows what she is thinking anymore and it changes day to day. Currently and it is my fault but I am in somewhat of a limbo and I am partially responsible for keeping myself here but this is my family and my Children and 12 years that I just cannot walk away from unless I know for sure what is going on and I am making the right decision.

MC might not help at all and it might not give me what I am looking for but I know I would regret not giving it ago.
I think u both should sit n talk in order to solve it not to get Divorce

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post #124 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:22 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
I just want to find out something or hear from her and have MC translate because I am not sure she knows what she is thinking anymore and it changes day to day. Currently and it is my fault but I am in somewhat of a limbo and I am partially responsible for keeping myself here but this is my family and my Children and 12 years that I just cannot walk away from unless I know for sure what is going on and I am making the right decision.

MC might not help at all and it might not give me what I am looking for but I know I would regret not giving it ago.
I think u both should sit n talk in order to solve it not to get Divorce

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Yes I think we need to sit and talk since we have barely talked about this since it all happened, I just need something. Thinking/hoping she has had some time to reflect and this time she will be more open and feel better about airing it all out on what she is actually thinking/wanting so I can make a more decisive decision on what else I want to give/commit to.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I was unhappy about in the marriage so this isn't going to be one sided I own up to some short comings I can work on but need the same from Her in order for me to be committed to put myself out there again
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post #125 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 12:57 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

What are your faults?

What are her faults?
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post #126 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 01:44 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
Yes I think we need to sit and talk since we have barely talked about this since it all happened, I just need something. Thinking/hoping she has had some time to reflect and this time she will be more open and feel better about airing it all out on what she is actually thinking/wanting so I can make a more decisive decision on what else I want to give/commit to.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I was unhappy about in the marriage so this isn't going to be one sided I own up to some short comings I can work on but need the same from Her in order for me to be committed to put myself out there again
Best wishes

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post #127 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:59 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

MF - I understand the want/need for closure/understanding but be prepared for more of the same. There is a real possibility that "I dont know" is the only answer you hear in MC. It may not be because she is lying.. It could be because she really doesnt know. Just prepare yourself for getting no more information than what you have right now.
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post #128 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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What are your faults?

What are her faults?
Still figuring these all out. but I need to chill a little and let myself have more fun, stop being so uptight and get a social life. I feel she is not appreciative of anything good I bring and only focuses on any negative. She also needs to relax more and not be as controlling.

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Last edited by MovingForward; 03-13-2017 at 08:49 AM.
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post #129 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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MF - I understand the want/need for closure/understanding but be prepared for more of the same. There is a real possibility that "I dont know" is the only answer you hear in MC. It may not be because she is lying.. It could be because she really doesnt know. Just prepare yourself for getting no more information than what you have right now.
I am prepared for that instance as well as I can be I guess, just feel this would be my only chance for that.

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post #130 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 08:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Quick update and wanted some advice.

Been getting on OK and still on board for MC BUT...................

I need to file my response to the Court today and had a question on some of the fields if anyone has any info.

On the Petition my W has requested Spousal support, me to cover legal fee's and CS based on state formula, I am rejecting the first 2 but not sure on the CS, my earnings fluctuate Month to Month and Year to Year due to bonus and commissions, in my state all they look at is the end amount so do you think it would cause further conflict if I reject that and just say its something we can work out in mediation if we end up there?

Really trying to keep Lawyers out of this since I have not seen a single divorce where the Lawyer didn't 'win' and everyone else ending up in a worse place.


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post #131 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

I would start at the lowest annual income you've had in the last 3 or 5 years. That is probably a realistic number you can expect in the future. You might do better in the future, who knows? The point is you should not pay more in CS than is based on what you realistically can count on making. Using the high paying year alone, or just using last year's total may not be a good guess as to what you'll earn in the future.

If your state allows something other than their formula, go for it in mediation. But they may require the formula be used and the only question is what income to base it off of.

I would want some kind of ability to adjust the CS based on changing incomes. Perhaps a 6 month review, or an annual review.

As to spousal support, yeah I'd fight that hard. Her legal fees are hers, so I would refuse to pay those. I would do as much internet research as possible on those topics for where you live.

You may benefit from hiring a lawyer to advise you but not be the one fighting. You would pay by the hour for their advice and to review documents. At the least, if you haven't yet, I would go get a free consult with several lawyers. They usually will give a free 15-30 minute session where you can get basic questions answered and they can tell you how things generally work in your location with those specific items.
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post #132 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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I would start at the lowest annual income you've had in the last 3 or 5 years. That is probably a realistic number you can expect in the future. You might do better in the future, who knows? The point is you should not pay more in CS than is based on what you realistically can count on making. Using the high paying year alone, or just using last year's total may not be a good guess as to what you'll earn in the future.

If your state allows something other than their formula, go for it in mediation. But they may require the formula be used and the only question is what income to base it off of.

I would want some kind of ability to adjust the CS based on changing incomes. Perhaps a 6 month review, or an annual review.

As to spousal support, yeah I'd fight that hard. Her legal fees are hers, so I would refuse to pay those. I would do as much internet research as possible on those topics for where you live.

You may benefit from hiring a lawyer to advise you but not be the one fighting. You would pay by the hour for their advice and to review documents. At the least, if you haven't yet, I would go get a free consult with several lawyers. They usually will give a free 15-30 minute session where you can get basic questions answered and they can tell you how things generally work in your location with those specific items.
Thanks @Thor I filed my response and it didn't feel good at all.

I was in a situation where if I didn't respond then all power to W and they didn't have to include me in the hearing if she submitted a default hearing, If I had left it and she had left it the case would have eventually became inactive and thrown out but by my filing a response the case now progresses and a Judge will be assigning a court ordered mediator so It looks like things are going exactly how I didn't want them, I wanted us to do this privately if it came to it not have a judge take over since now it is determined by the state.

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Last edited by MovingForward; 03-14-2017 at 12:49 PM.
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post #133 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

Well since you already filed, it's too late to provide any useful advice but if the matter comes up again or anyone else can benefit from knowing this, I'd suggest you leave out bonus and commissions and like the other poster said, use the lowest annual income in the past few years. People leave stuff out of discovery ALL THE TIME and don't usually get penalized for it. "Oh, "THAT" 401k account? It slipped my mind. Oh, the income I make off the table from that second job? Sorry didn't think that counted. My antique car collection worth a half a million bucks?" Didn't think that was supposed to be included. ETC ETC. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt in EVERY instance and let them tell you that you cut a corner you weren't supposed to.

In short-

Put down the bare minimum and ask for forgiveness later rather than putting it all out there because once it's there you can't take it back and it can and will be used against you in a court of law.
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post #134 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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Well since you already filed, it's too late to provide any useful advice but if the matter comes up again or anyone else can benefit from knowing this, I'd suggest you leave out bonus and commissions and like the other poster said, use the lowest annual income in the past few years. People leave stuff out of discovery ALL THE TIME and don't usually get penalized for it. "Oh, "THAT" 401k account? It slipped my mind. Oh, the income I make off the table from that second job? Sorry didn't think that counted. My antique car collection worth a half a million bucks?" Didn't think that was supposed to be included. ETC ETC. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt in EVERY instance and let them tell you that you cut a corner you weren't supposed to.

In short-

Put down the bare minimum and ask for forgiveness later rather than putting it all out there because once it's there you can't take it back and it can and will be used against you in a court of law.
My Commission is 80% of my earnings so not sure I will get away with that as W knows this also and my state just want W2, what I was wanting was to take a 5 year average.

I feel sick to my stomach about this entire situation, its just terrible all around, going to the court and then having them having a say in my future. I want out of this situation badly.

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post #135 of 453 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: Entering Divorce proceedings

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My Commission is 80% of my earnings so not sure I will get away with that as W knows this also and my state just want W2
Yeah you can't BS too much or you'll lose credibility with the court. You could run this by your attorney, and say "well what if I just forget to put this down, or this...". You can't actually ask them to do something unethical but if you coach your answers carefully you can get an idea of what you could get away with, without ruffling too many feathers.

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what I was wanting was to take a 5 year average.
If nothing else, if it works in your favor, why not take a 10 year average? If you are even asked, you could always say "I thought that would be more realistic given the ups and downs of my profession".

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I feel sick to my stomach about this entire situation, its just terrible all around, going to the court and then having them having a say in my future. I want out of this situation badly.
Don't get me started! Posts like this trigger me, having been through a highly contested divorce and seeing how unreasonable and unpredictable the courts can be.

Too late. Yeah, you want to leave those types of decisions out of the hands of a man or woman in a robe who probably didn't spend more than 20 minutes reading the details of your case and is probably biased, lazy, uncaring and possibly even corrupt and making a decision based on which opposing attorney played golf with them most recently or contributed more to their re-election campaign.
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