Soon to be divorced

Mike40 · 12-23-2011, 02:55 AM

Hello, its sad that I have to post here but my wife wants a divorce. Little background. I am 40 and she is 44. We have been married for 13 years and have been together 15. We have one 10 year old son. I love my wife with all my heart and soul but I know I failed her as a husband. I didn't help around the house and we had some serious financial difficulties and during that time I pretty much took it out on her. Whenever I wanted to spend money I just went and did it not caring about the outcome. She pulled away from me and with held sex because she wasn't happy and once I even told her I hated her when she didn't give me sex. I'm not saying this like I'm happy about it or anything. I just am fully aware of how terrible of a man and husband I have been. We are both born again Christians and did attend church regularly. Until I felt she wasn't "living up to her end of the marriage with sex". Don't get me wrong I know that's wrong too. We don't drink, smoke and I have never hit her or even threatened her with violence of any kind. We have never even yelled at each other. She did tell me she doesn't love me anymore. I had no idea it was this bad until the summer she told me she wanted a divorce. I actually snooped and came across a e-mail she had sent her friend and was totally devastated. I mean didn't know. She was actually shocked that I didn't know and was hoping I wanted a divorce as well. Well I don't. I have been crying since September and I see no end in sight. She doesn't want to try and fix it and I pretty much begged her to try with me 2 days ago. I know begging is stupid by I am and was desperate. I have started seeing a therapist and she is really good. My wife has started seeing one as well as she was diagnosed this year with depression. She takes meds for it and at first they seemed to be helping. Now there are days she wont get out of bed. Her family has been real supportive of me at the cost of pretty much attacking her. Wednesday night we had a long talk and she said again she doesn't want to work on it and she is just done. She says I am listening to her but not hearing her. I said to her baby what can I do? She then said the saddest thing to me I have ever heard. She said, "Just let me go". Even now just saying that in my head makes me cry so hard. Seeing her face as she said that to me made my heart break for her. At that moment I would have done anything for her even divorce her on the spot anything to stop her pain. The next day I came home from work and told her that I support her and I am listening and hearing. She said that she was thankful that I said that and she was so sorry this was hurting me. She said that sometime after the new year she was going to go ahead and file. She asked me if I was going to be nasty about child care and what not and I told her I didn't want a divorce but would not fight her for child care or for the house. I won't either I don't want to take her and our son from here. She said she wanted us to be with our son the same as it is now. See we each are with him like half of each week as we worked our schedules out that way. She told me I could even stay here with him on my days off. She said she would buy me out of the house. I told her I would be praying every day that it doesn't come down to a divorce. I am so lost right now. I'm not strong enough to live without her and due to my Christian convictions I don't think there is any Biblical reason for a divorce so I can't see myself even dating again because I would feel like I am sinning. I know part of why she doesn't want to work on it is because I have tried in the past and I was better for awhile then went back to my old ways. I am a totally different person now. I am right now closer to God than I have ever been. At first it was the situation now its more. Its like this is where I should have been my whole life. She says she has felt this way for years and was going to stick it out till our son was older but this year it became too much. Part of why this is so hard for me is if we get a divorce I will never be able to make what I have done right. I am so very sad right now. Thanks for listening.

EleGirl · 12-23-2011, 03:26 AM

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

The good news is that you have time to work on your marriage. Let me explain.

You have time before your wife files.

You have time after you wife files until the divorce is final.

Your wife cannot kick you out of your home. The house is currently your marital/family home. Until there is a court order for one of you to leave, she cannot make you leave. So do not leave. This will give you more time around her. You can both sleep in separate bedrooms if needed for the mean time. But the more you are around her the more chances you have to repair your marriage.

Usually a court order for one spouse to move out of the marital home is not made until the divorce is final. I can take months, even years, for a divorce to be final. In California right now it’s taking 1.5 – 2 years in a lot of counties. With an attorney on your side who works to make it take longer… you could have a lot of time to repair this marriage?

Another angle to look at is the cost of divorce. Do you and she have to money to pay your attorneys 10K – 20K or more EACH? A lot of couples simply cannot afford a divorce. If you cannot, at some point you might want to show her the economics of a divorce. Her life style will most likely have ½ or less than it is right now. So will yours. There is myth that in divorce the courts seek to maintain the marital standard of living. Unless you name is Johnny Carson that’s not going to happen.

The other reason for not leaving is that leaving can be seen as abandoning you child or having little interest in him, thus you could be seriously hurt in the custody/visitation issue. Most states currently prefer 50/50 legal and physical custody. That is what you need to push for. At this point, since you are a 50% care giver you are in good shape for that Regardless of what your wife is saying right now, she could turn on you and start demanding that she get primary custody and you only get visitation a few days a month. So do not give up you favorable position that you have at this time.

Please go see a lawyer about your rights so that you get things in order NOW before she files. This is important. You do not need to file, only to get some consolation. There is also a lot of info online about the divorce laws in all of the states. Become educated in the topic.

Now, back to saving your marriage. What you need it time. From the date she files until the time the time the divorce is final and one of you has to leave the family home could be months, even a couple of years… I’ve heard of divorces going 5 years.

Take a look at the books in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Please read them. At this point in time start with “His Needs, Her Needs”. Then get the other two in the order shown. Read them and work them. It would be best if your wife would read and work them with you. But in this case it’s probably best if you read them and you work on the things they say to do. I would not let her know that you are reading and doing the things that the books suggest just yet. The goal is to become the best husband you can be and to show her the new you. To meet her needs. But the changes in you have to be real.

IF between now and the time a divorce would be final should be more than enough time to turn this around. If it is not, you would most likely be out of love with her and ready to move on… a better man for all the work you did.

Mike40 · 12-23-2011, 03:53 AM

EleGirl thanks so much for your response! What you said about time to work on it was my thought too. I told her until this is final I am going to to continue on doing what I have been doing lately and trying to be the man she wants me to be. My therapist recommended His Needs Her Needs I ordered it 3 days ago and should be here tomorrow. She also recommended Love Busters which should also be here tomorrow. I also got How To Save Your Marriage Alone today and have read it. It was very good. I will take some more time to study it at work this weekend. I also got Hope For The Separated. I started reading it but will probably hold off on that until after I have read all or some of His Needs, Her Needs. I want to have some of that read before I go back to my therapist. I kinda had an idea about the cost of a lawyer but had no idea it was that much. We both have decent jobs but not that kind of money. My brother-in-law has been through a divorce and he already advised me if I leave it would be seen as abandonment. I don't think my wife has a true sense of what this could cost. She does know I am getting the books and she saw the How To Save Your Marriage alone today by accident but I don't plan on her seeing anything else as I only plan on reading them when I am alone. I will look to the books you have posted and again thanks so much EleGirl. You have confirmed what I have been feeling today besides all the sadness I am determined to do all I can even if its alone. I want to be able to tell our son that yes I didn't love his mom the right way during the marriage but at the end I did all I could. For him, her and our family.

EleGirl · 12-23-2011, 04:04 AM

I'm glad to hear that your therapist suggested those books. My husband and I have used them and know others who have as well. IMHO, every couple should read them do the work before they get married and then through out the marriage.

At this point anything you do, your wife will consider a short term thing you are doing to try to win her back. So being able to stay around her for several months will help dispell that idea as long as you make them permanent changes.

As for the cost of a divorce... it varies from state to state. But they are not cheap.

My divorce in 1996 cost me 10K for the major part of the divorce and another 10K to fight my ex as he wanted to completely take our son away for me. He lost that nonsense with us ending up with 60/40 (him 40) physical custody and 50/50 legal custody. He spent 40K.

In the end he ended up with less than I was willing to settle for when we were first discussing things... plus we ended up spending enough money to pay for our son's college. What a horrible waste.

Divesistating. It shoudl be avoided if at all possible.

Mike40 · 12-23-2011, 04:28 AM

Yes I wish I would have read more relationship books during the good times. I'm sure it would have opened my eyes to the needs of my wife not just my selfish needs. My wife did say to me that if we are in complete agreement we don't even need a lawyer but I'm pretty sure thats not right. I think she thinks this will be done quick and fast and I don't see it like that. Yes I do want her to see these changes as this is the real me. The me she has needed all our marriage. I feel better for having done some of the things she and I talked about but I know she sees it as short term. She said so herself.

accept · 12-23-2011, 06:15 AM

What you should do.
First of all leave religion out of it. Its more likely to ruin than to help. Her family is on your side thats a good sign. I suppose your son knows about this what does he say. Forget about being closer to anything. That you dont yell at each other is usually a bad sign. You never bring your differences to the surface and have out with them. What exactly does your therapist advise in all this. Does she advise you to stay in the marriage. She most likely knows a lot more than us what is going on. But remember they usually tell you what you want to hear.
Until I felt she wasn't "living up to her end of the marriage with sex".
Do you mean this as in normal marriage or as a religious marriage.
What were her excuses. Or didnt she need any.
I suppose you know that unless you both go to counselling together going apart wont help much.

morituri · 12-27-2011, 02:52 AM

Sex should never be treated as a spousal duty. Sex should be a gift of love to one another.

i.bellagardner · 12-27-2011, 04:35 AM

First of all, sorry to hear your situation. I guess, she is very desperate to be free from you now because if she forgive you, you might do the same thing to her.