12-23-2011, 03:26 AM
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
| | Re: Soon to be divorced
Sorry to hear you are going through this.
The good news is that you have time to work on your marriage. Let me explain.
You have time before your wife files.
You have time after you wife files until the divorce is final.
Your wife cannot kick you out of your home. The house is currently your marital/family home. Until there is a court order for one of you to leave, she cannot make you leave. So do not leave. This will give you more time around her. You can both sleep in separate bedrooms if needed for the mean time. But the more you are around her the more chances you have to repair your marriage.
Usually a court order for one spouse to move out of the marital home is not made until the divorce is final. I can take months, even years, for a divorce to be final. In California right now it’s taking 1.5 – 2 years in a lot of counties. With an attorney on your side who works to make it take longer… you could have a lot of time to repair this marriage?
Another angle to look at is the cost of divorce. Do you and she have to money to pay your attorneys 10K – 20K or more EACH? A lot of couples simply cannot afford a divorce. If you cannot, at some point you might want to show her the economics of a divorce. Her life style will most likely have ½ or less than it is right now. So will yours. There is myth that in divorce the courts seek to maintain the marital standard of living. Unless you name is Johnny Carson that’s not going to happen.
The other reason for not leaving is that leaving can be seen as abandoning you child or having little interest in him, thus you could be seriously hurt in the custody/visitation issue. Most states currently prefer 50/50 legal and physical custody. That is what you need to push for. At this point, since you are a 50% care giver you are in good shape for that Regardless of what your wife is saying right now, she could turn on you and start demanding that she get primary custody and you only get visitation a few days a month. So do not give up you favorable position that you have at this time.
Please go see a lawyer about your rights so that you get things in order NOW before she files. This is important. You do not need to file, only to get some consolation. There is also a lot of info online about the divorce laws in all of the states. Become educated in the topic.
Now, back to saving your marriage. What you need it time. From the date she files until the time the time the divorce is final and one of you has to leave the family home could be months, even a couple of years… I’ve heard of divorces going 5 years.
Take a look at the books in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Please read them. At this point in time start with “His Needs, Her Needs”. Then get the other two in the order shown. Read them and work them. It would be best if your wife would read and work them with you. But in this case it’s probably best if you read them and you work on the things they say to do. I would not let her know that you are reading and doing the things that the books suggest just yet. The goal is to become the best husband you can be and to show her the new you. To meet her needs. But the changes in you have to be real.
IF between now and the time a divorce would be final should be more than enough time to turn this around. If it is not, you would most likely be out of love with her and ready to move on… a better man for all the work you did.