It's been over a year and no contact... but won't file divorce either - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 10:46 PM Thread Starter
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Angry It's been over a year and no contact... but won't file divorce either

I am embarrassed to be on here but I don't seem to come to terms with has happened. If I bring it up my situation, I still get teary eyed; clearly I am not over it and this process is killing me. So here it goes....

At the age of 29 after a 2 year break from dating several guys and being on/off with the biological of my twin boys, I met someone that I normally would not date. I was in a stage in my life where I was achieving my short-term goals and working hard toward the long-term ones. Being in a crazy relationship with the biological BD, I realized I cannot change anyone but myself, that I either loved a person as a whole or moved on... and that is how I left the BD.

Back to the non-typical kinda guy I started dating. I wasn't head over heels off the bat when we met but he won my heart over with every passing day. My kids adored him and his parents. After a few months... I just knew I wanted to grow old with him. And so we married. I requested a simple union with hopes we would safe the money for a down payment to a bigger house for our new family (my twins, his son, possibly a dog and of course the two if us).

The marriage turned out to be a pretty ridiculous roller-coaster full of his insecurities, cheating, and controlling demeanor. That went on for a year and a half. And it has been well over a year since I have heard or seen him. He threatened to file for divorce back then but has not done it. Money is no excuse as he has spent money on large-size tattoos and going out. So what is the real deal here?... I can't seem to move on or not "feel guilty" that I am somehow cheating.

I know I should file for divorce, but why should I if I don't want to. I did't marry to cop out.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:03 PM
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Re: It's been over a year and no contact... but won't file divorce either

Your separation and no contact has been almost as long as the marriage. This is not good for you and you should end it. You don't have children together do you? Where is his son now? I'm a person dealing with a similar issue of an abandoning spouse who has gone no contact, but isn't filing a divorce. We have 3 children and 20 years to disentangle and the divorce would be financially devastating. You really should consider yourself lucky this didn't go on longer and you have none of these issues with this guy. You are still young and can move on. File the divorce now and find the guy you can build your dreams with.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: It's been over a year and no contact... but won't file divorce either

No we don't have children together. His son lives 40 miles away with his mother, step dad, brother and sister. I'm not that young anymore but thank you.

As for filing, I don't want to because he is the kind of person that assumes everyone will clean his mess up. He wants a divorce then he needs to put on his big boy pants on and file. It's the principle of the matter...

But I know one day I may have to cut my losses.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 11:52 PM
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Re: It's been over a year and no contact... but won't file divorce either

I know how you feel. Like I said, my partner is also the one who abandoned me and won't take the responsibility for ending things. It's frustrating, but I've heard it is often the way it goes down. I think for some it is not wanting to come across as the bad person in the situation to family and friends, for others it is not facing the financial aspects. I also believe that some uncaring people just don't even want to dedicate the time to such matters because it will force them to acknowledge your existence. For many of these people it won't happen until they themselves are looking to remarry. Its cowardly and disgusting, but it happens to many and you are not alone.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:26 AM
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Lightbulb Re: It's been over a year and no contact... but won't file divorce either

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Originally Posted by LiveHumbly View Post
No we don't have children together. His son lives 40 miles away with his mother, step dad, brother and sister. I'm not that young anymore but thank you.

As for filing, I don't want to because he is the kind of person that assumes everyone will clean his mess up. He wants a divorce then he needs to put on his big boy pants on and file. It's the principle of the matter...

But I know one day I may have to cut my losses.
You are trying to prove a point to someone who is clueless. You are wasting your energy on him and it is clearly bringing you down. Not filing for divorce is not doing you one ounce of good. Cut yourself lose from the marriage and be free.

You are hurting yourself to prove a point to someone who does not care. It's counterproductive to your personal health and wellbeing. Just do it and be done with him.


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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 12:37 AM
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Re: It's been over a year and no contact... but won't file divorce either

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Originally Posted by LiveHumbly View Post
I am embarrassed to be on here but I don't seem to come to terms with has happened. If I bring it up my situation, I still get teary eyed; clearly I am not over it and this process is killing me. So here it goes....

At the age of 29 after a 2 year break from dating several guys and being on/off with the biological of my twin boys, I met someone that I normally would not date. I was in a stage in my life where I was achieving my short-term goals and working hard toward the long-term ones. Being in a crazy relationship with the biological BD, I realized I cannot change anyone but myself, that I either loved a person as a whole or moved on... and that is how I left the BD.

Back to the non-typical kinda guy I started dating. I wasn't head over heels off the bat when we met but he won my heart over with every passing day. My kids adored him and his parents. After a few months... I just knew I wanted to grow old with him. And so we married. I requested a simple union with hopes we would safe the money for a down payment to a bigger house for our new family (my twins, his son, possibly a dog and of course the two if us).

The marriage turned out to be a pretty ridiculous roller-coaster full of his insecurities, cheating, and controlling demeanor. That went on for a year and a half. And it has been well over a year since I have heard or seen him. He threatened to file for divorce back then but has not done it. Money is no excuse as he has spent money on large-size tattoos and going out. So what is the real deal here?... I can't seem to move on or not "feel guilty" that I am somehow cheating.

I know I should file for divorce, but why should I if I don't want to. I did't marry to cop out.
Because, as his wife, you are legally responsible for any debt he makes. If he does not pay it, his creditors can take everything you have away from you, or you would have to declare bankruptcy. And if you declare bankruptcy... you would still be responsible for any new debt he makes.

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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 04:53 AM
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Cool Re: It's been over a year and no contact... but won't file divorce either

Other than pride, I absolutely cannot see one scintilla of positivity in attempting to save this unsavory union!

Exactly what benefit from remaining chained in marriage to this most unloving man is possibly derived?

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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 06:21 AM
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Re: It's been over a year and no contact... but won't file divorce either

I agree with the other posters, end this farce now. Divorce him for abandonment.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: It's been over a year and no contact... but won't file divorce either

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Originally Posted by LiveHumbly View Post
No we don't have children together. His son lives 40 miles away with his mother, step dad, brother and sister. I'm not that young anymore but thank you.

As for filing, I don't want to because he is the kind of person that assumes everyone will clean his mess up. He wants a divorce then he needs to put on his big boy pants on and file. It's the principle of the matter...

But I know one day I may have to cut my losses.
This is foolish and sounds like an excuse to me. The exact same could be said about you "She needs to put her big girl pants on and protect herself".

I dont mean to be harsh here but come one. You haven't seen him for nearly the same amount of time you've been married. Its all been a sham. Your ego is getting in the way of you moving on.

You really need to protect yourself. who knows what kind of debt he is in that YOU could be responsible for,
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 06:19 PM
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Re: It's been over a year and no contact... but won't file divorce either

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Originally Posted by LiveHumbly View Post
No we don't have children together. His son lives 40 miles away with his mother, step dad, brother and sister. I'm not that young anymore but thank you.

As for filing, I don't want to because he is the kind of person that assumes everyone will clean his mess up. He wants a divorce then he needs to put on his big boy pants on and file. It's the principle of the matter...

But I know one day I may have to cut my losses.
As others have pointed out, this doesn't make any sense. Over a year without contact? What exactly are you waiting for? Do you have hopes of saving things or are you avoiding filing yourself purely on principle alone?

I get the principle thing to an extent, but after this much time—and given the reasons you listed as to why the marriage was a roller coaster—you can't possibly wait any longer for your own sake.

If you do have hopes of reconciling then don't wait for him to reach out. Simply call, email, text or whatever you're comfortable with requesting that you and him get together to talk about what can be done to reconcile. If he responds and you both want it, go for it. If he says no or just ignores you, move forward with the divorce yourself.

One possible snafu: where is he living now and how long has he resided there? A lot of states require that both parties entering into a divorce must have lived in the same state for the past 6 months. Given that it has been over a year since the separation and contact, I'm guessing there is a chance he moved out of state (then again you know about his spending habits so maybe not). If he did, that may complicate matters a bit for you, but still move forward with the divorce unless he's willing to talk about the relationship.

One last question: in what ways is he not someone you'd typically date?

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-03-2017, 10:09 AM
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Re: It's been over a year and no contact... but won't file divorce either

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Because, as his wife, you are legally responsible for any debt he makes. If he does not pay it, his creditors can take everything you have away from you, or you would have to declare bankruptcy. And if you declare bankruptcy... you would still be responsible for any new debt he makes.
Not only his debt, but any other legal trouble he might manage to get into. He sounds like a real loser. And you dont want to "COP OUT??" Really?? You will look much more foolish by staying married to someone who does not even want to be around you than by being divorced. Divorce in this case makes you the smart one.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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