Finally a down spell

JazzTango2Step · 12-23-2011, 08:52 PM

God, I feel terrible. Since the day I left my husband, I have been just fine. I haven't cried over him in more than 6 months and I felt I was pretty well emotionally dead for him.

I get to have my daughter overnight tonight and that brings me so much joy, but then I had to see my husband for the first time since October. I was shaking. We met at a fast food place so I can take our daughter, and he asked me to sit down, so I did. I just wanted to get our daughter and go, but he wanted me to sit. I didn't have much to say to him. He asked me where I was working at and I told him I shouldn't tell him. He then showed me pictures of his horse and I commented on the horse's saddle. He said to me "Yeah, that was supposed to be your christmas present, but its mine now". I didn't let him see how that hurt me.

Afterword I discover that he is seeing a girl that we both worked with. He's pretty happy about her, I guess. I always thought I didn't care if he was seeing another woman, because I just didn't give 2 shakes. I knew he was, and he had been seeing other women through our marriage, so when I assumed he had another girl I just didn't care. But now I know who she is and I feel crushed for some reason.

I know I can't go back, and it would be best for me and my daughter not to go back. I know he needs to live his reckless, selfish life with other people and watch him crumble again and again from a distance. It still hurts for some reason. I don't know why...but today is the first day in 6 months that I feel like I've been rained upon.

I want my anger back. Anger is whats been keeping me going. Anger and determination. Whats the reason for this hiccup? I DIDN'T CARE when I assumed he had another girl. But when I knew for sure and who it was, it dragged me down really far. God, thats not fair. I hope he feels horrible inside. I hope he cries when no one is looking.

I feel horrible tonight when I should be on Cloud 9 because I have my daughter. Whats wrong with me?

accept · 12-24-2011, 02:36 PM

I suppose this other girl doesnt hold a candle to you and you cant see why he prefers her. But remember he cant have you at the moment.

JazzTango2Step · 12-24-2011, 02:50 PM

Well, I'm feeling much better about things today. The girl he is with...I KNEW he would eventually go after her. She is taller than I am and thin...but I'm thin as well. The only difference is that he hated the "baby pooch" I have after having my daughter. He'd always tell me to get rid of it and basically made me feel horrible about the changes my body made after having a child. I'm back in my skinny jeans and am the same weight I was before I had my daughter though.

They have common interested and thats fine with me. He's more interested in chasing tail than he is spending time with our daughter (so confirms his facebook page).

I just had to remember all the horrible things he's done. How he made me feel less than adequate in everything. Cleaning, driving, sex, raising our daughter, any job I had, any talent I have...he put me down so much and so often that I ended up hating myself. I spent last night with my daughter and just remembered all the horrible things he's done to us, and suddenly that indifference came back. I just didn't care anymore.

I burned a couple of pictures of us and plan on writing a letter to him to burn as well. He's the past. He's the reason I'm in a battered women's shelter. He's the reason for all my pain. If I have anything to do with it, he won't be able to hurt me anymore. He's a horrible guy and I do feel bad for his new gf. She'll figure it out eventually though...he just has to give it time.

EleGirl · 12-24-2011, 02:55 PM

I’m so glad you got time with your daughter. Just concentrate on that her.

The renewed hurt you feel shows the necessity of doing the 180. You do not need this rollercoaster. Of course you feel bad about the new girlfriend; his comment about the saddle. He let you know these things on purpose to hurt you. He’s mean. He knows your triggers. So avoid him as much as you can.

The next time this happens, tell him you are not interested to know anything about his life. You only care about your daughter.

It’s time to drop the anger. But keep the determination. That will get you far in your new life.

YOu had a court date, right? How did that go? Did you get an attorney?

JazzTango2Step · 12-24-2011, 03:22 PM

The drop off today went well. He showed up, I told her goodbye and that I would see her tomorrow. I gave her a kiss and a hug and then started back for my car. He said "Bye, have a safe trip home!" but I didn't respond. I just acted like I didn't hear him.

I've been doing much of the 180 for a while already on my own. I just checked it after you refered it to me and I'm on pretty good of a track with it. Only thing is that I'm not eating very well at all. Maybe a hamburger bun or a Dr. Pepper a day...I'm just not hungry. I tend to only eat when I feel faint. I dunno...I know its wrong, I'm just not interested in food.

I do dress myself up and I am going out to a movie with a friend tonight. My husband tried to ask me a couple questions about my life yesterday but I didn't tell him anything. I do think he still cares for me, but I'm a little past that. Last night was the first bad night since I left him in October. I'm just hoping I can keep up with it as long as I need to in order to change my life around for the better.

EleGirl · 12-24-2011, 03:32 PM

You sound like you are doing well over all. On the topic of eathing, as long as you eat something every day.. one Dr. Pepper a day will not cut it as it will unbalance your system. You won't starve to death. Can you find something you like.. for some reason yogurt and fruit comes to mind. Just something that takes no fixing that you can nibble on. In time your appitite will come back

Set me FREE · 12-24-2011, 03:32 PM

re: destroying pictures-

I was thinking of buying some Mr. Yuk stickers to place over STBXH's face in pictures we are both in...you know the green round yuk face sticker that says "I'M POISON",,but decided that was too much energy and effort and would ruin pictures of my Disney wedding..lol.

EleGirl · 12-24-2011, 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Set me FREE

re: destroying pictures-

I was thinking of buying some Mr. Yuk stickers to place over STBXH's face in pictures we are both in...you know the green round yuk face sticker that says "I'M POISON",,but decided that was too much energy and effort and would ruin pictures of my Disney wedding..lol.

Do you have children? If you do, don't do that. Give them the pictures with the two of you in them. They will most likely enjoy having photos of thier parents together.

One of my sisters-in-law knows how to edit photos professionally using computer software. She has clients who have her scan in photos and remove their ex. When she's you really cannot tell there used to be someone else in the photo. If there are photos that you really like of yourself... just have him removed, erased, dispatched of

That way there are not stickers there to remind you of how is under that sticker.