God, I feel terrible. Since the day I left my husband, I have been just fine. I haven't cried over him in more than 6 months and I felt I was pretty well emotionally dead for him.
I get to have my daughter overnight tonight and that brings me so much joy, but then I had to see my husband for the first time since October. I was shaking. We met at a fast food place so I can take our daughter, and he asked me to sit down, so I did. I just wanted to get our daughter and go, but he wanted me to sit. I didn't have much to say to him. He asked me where I was working at and I told him I shouldn't tell him. He then showed me pictures of his horse and I commented on the horse's saddle. He said to me "Yeah, that was supposed to be your christmas present, but its mine now". I didn't let him see how that hurt me.
Afterword I discover that he is seeing a girl that we both worked with. He's pretty happy about her, I guess. I always thought I didn't care if he was seeing another woman, because I just didn't give 2 shakes. I knew he was, and he had been seeing other women through our marriage, so when I assumed he had another girl I just didn't care. But now I know who she is and I feel crushed for some reason.
I know I can't go back, and it would be best for me and my daughter not to go back. I know he needs to live his reckless, selfish life with other people and watch him crumble again and again from a distance. It still hurts for some reason. I don't know why...but today is the first day in 6 months that I feel like I've been rained upon.
I want my anger back. Anger is whats been keeping me going. Anger and determination. Whats the reason for this hiccup? I DIDN'T CARE when I assumed he had another girl. But when I knew for sure and who it was, it dragged me down really far. God, thats not fair. I hope he feels horrible inside. I hope he cries when no one is looking.
I feel horrible tonight when I should be on Cloud 9 because I have my daughter. Whats wrong with me?