Husband Just Walked Out
I have posted here previously about my marriage and the problems that my husband's personality disorder have caused/contributed to its breakdown. I have never blamed him totally, but do contend that his issues -- refusing to grow up, support the family, unable to keep a job, diagnosed severe passive-aggressive behavior, mental abuse -- are a large reason why we cannot work through our problems. He refuses to acknowledge that his behavior IS a problem; therefore, refuses to try to change and meet me in the middle on anything.
Yesterday, Christmas Eve, I asked him if he was going to move from the couch at all this weekend. He had promised repeatedly to get some things done around the house, to spend time with the boys and keep them occupied in the afternoon (I had to work, although I work from home), et cetera, and literally did not move from the couch since Thursday night. It probably was not a good approach, and I admit that, but it is such a recurring problem that I'm frustrated beyond belief with his sitting for hours on end and literally doing nothing after he has promised that "this time" he's really going to do it.
Anyway, he flew into a rage and started screaming and yelling and saying that he "could not do this anymore" and that he was leaving and never coming back. He had both kids upset -- the nine-year-old was bawling, the sixteen-year-old hit a plaster wall and hurt his hand.
I took my older son to the hospital to have his hand looked at, and when I came home, I told him that I thought his behavior was out of line and that pulling another stunt like this, especially on Christmas Eve, was uncalled for. I then told him that he needed to take some time to think about his behavior, our marriage, and the harm he is doing to the kids, and that we would be going to my parents' without him. I told him that he doesn't get to continue enjoying family activities if he continues to choose not to be part of our family.
He spent the morning crying, asking the kids if "they were happy now that he was not going to spend Christmas with them." Both kids told him point-blank that HE was the reason he wasn't spending Christmas at my parents' because he refuses to change his behavior, and everyone was sick of him ruining every holiday/special occasion. It's almost like every time there is a holiday/special occasion, he pulls some sort of stunt to cause chaos and make himself the center of attention. He has done it on the kids' birthdays, Easter, family members' birthdays, just-because days.
We came back from my parents' house, and he started raging again, that it was not fair that he was being punished. I told him that I have told him repeatedly since May that I was getting close to my breaking point and that if he didn't get his PA behavior under control, that the day would come where I would just be done. We had reached that point once he ruined Christmas for the kids.
He took off out of the house, saying he needed some time to think. He texted me three hours later saying, "I'm not coming back. Tell the kids I will call them tomorrow."
Now, I was planning on filing for divorce after the first of the year -- wanted to get through the holidays so that I didn't ruin it for the kids -- so I'm not upset that he is not coming back. In fact, I'm glad that he made the decision because his usual MO is to force me into making a decision so he can blame me later. However, I am so ticked off that he is so cowardly that he would send me the text above. Would it have been hard to come back and tell your kids that you are done, that we can't fix the marriage; or call them on the phone to tell them, reassure them that you love them and it's not their fault? Isn't it a bit of a b(&*^^* move to text ME to ask ME to tell THEM for him that he quits?
This is the fourth time since May he has literally walked out the door, sent a text later saying he's not coming back, that he's done. He comes back a few days later, we talk through things, he swears he is going to do better, then fails to do anything different. In fact, in our talk tonight he said, "I have tried everything for the last six months to make you happy, and I just can't." I asked him to tell me what things he has done to contribute to the betterment of our marriage since the summer, to which he replied, "Well, I haven't done anything yet because there is no guarantee that if I do you will want to stay married to me." He just talks in circles, and we can't get anywhere.
Like I said, I was planning on filing for divorce after the first of the year, so I'm not worried about the him not coming back part. How do I help my kids heal from constantly being walked out on, left to wonder WTH just happened, why doesn't he love them?
I obviously need to file divorce papers sooner rather than later, and will call the attorney tomorrow to tell her to pull the trigger. Do I change the locks in case he tries to come back? Is that not appropriate until I have a court order? I would love to change the locks, change my number, and throw his stuff out the upstairs window onto the lawn because that's how mad I am at what he has put my boys through, but I realize that isn't going to help matters any, and may actually hurt them.
I am just so angry over being left here again trying to explain to two boys that their daddy has some issues, that we will get through this, and promising them that I will not let him back in the door -- even if he changes his mind tomorrow, as he often does -- so that he can do it to them again to make any sense right now. I have never hated someone as much as I hate him right now looking at my kids and how he has broken them down and how he completely ruined their Christmas.
What is my first step when I wake up tomorrow to handling this the right way? I don't trust myself to think straight right now.
Thanks in advance for any advice. Lord knows I need it.
I hope y'all had a much better Christmas on your end!!