Recently seperated Help please

insomnia255 · 12-26-2011, 11:40 AM

My wife an i had a few marriage problems (mainly me causing them) being stressed with work, not spending enough time with her, when i get angry me giving her silent treatment and not talking to her for a couple of days. This has been going on and off for a couple of years but the last two weeks have been worse.

so she went to spend a week at her sisters place. My wife and her parents came this weekend and talked things out with me our problems but due to the emotional hurt i have givien my wife she said she wanted to seperate and she sugessted i get counselling. she took most of her things and left her ring with a note saying "i am not doing this to hurt you but in time, in the future this ring can come back to where it belongs"

She didnt say its over for ever or i wanna divorce. from what i gathered she is pretty messed up emotionally and doesnt know what she wants and she says she cant trust me that i will change, and now says she doesnt trust me at all (she said she had one or two counselling sessions earlier on this week).

My parents and her parents want us to be together and i dont wanna lose her and since this thing happened this weekend i realised what an idiot i have been, i have ruined my marriage by being a jerk. i am ready to change and have made an appointment with a marriage counsellor for myself. i have been texting her everyday but she doesnt respond. i am getting to the stage when im so desperate to get her back. Her siblings have asked me to think hard about what i want and if i want her back then i will have to make the effort. They said they are a phone call away which is good i guess. If i can get their help and support hopefully my wife and i will be able to patch up our marriage.

well guys i got an message off my wife on the 9th of december she asked me not to contact her at all untill the new year. i have been going to marriage counselling twice a week for my self now since the spilt occured. i have found it is helping. i just cant help but feel that as each day goes by maybe she will get comfortable in her current surroundings and then not want to talk again. her sister is about to have a child and she has family down from canada and i feel that maybe she will be preoccupied with those activities in the new year that she might not see our relationship as a priority.

JazzTango2Step · 12-26-2011, 09:23 PM

The relationship isn't a priority for her at this moment. Thats why she left, to get away and have a break for it. The relationship should be a priority to you though, since you want it so badly.

I would figure out what it was that hurt her so bad, and take active steps in bettering YOURSELF before you can bring her back into the relationship. She doesn't like how she was treated and unless she sees a drastic change in your actions, she probably won't be too concerned with working things out. She is testing you. She wants to know how much she means to you, and you have to show her by doing everything you can to better yourself. You can't make your relationship better without having to better yourself first.

Give her the space she needs. Go dark on her. Go see a separate therapist ontop of your MC. It sounds like you have a problem coping with stress and she has been the brunt of it all, and can't do it anymore.

EleGirl · 12-26-2011, 10:00 PM

Read the books in my signature block about building a passionate marraige. They will help you and complement your MC. They will also give you ways of working with your wife to get your relationship back on track.

insomnia255 · 12-27-2011, 03:12 AM

Thank you elegirl and tango for your help. Since my wife has gone it has been tough but I have been making the effort to sort myself out. The mc I am seeing is actually a psychotherapist. So she has said its stress and trauma I had suffered while being in the armed forces. Instead of dealing with stress I appear to just bury it and carry on.

I have reduced my working hours. So I am not over working and just trying to carry out reflection exercises to understand what aspects of behaviour caused problems etc.
My wife said to me to contact her in the new year I suppose I dont know what the next step is do I text her phone her. Wait for her to call me or send her a happy new year text and then wait and see.

i.bellagardner · 12-27-2011, 04:50 AM

You must do an effort this time. But as a married couple, you must work as one.

zsu234 · 12-27-2011, 10:05 AM

Fiond out who her boyfriend is women just don't up and leave like this.

insomnia255 · 12-27-2011, 12:27 PM

Really do you think she has a boy friend ??

Tullytara · 12-27-2011, 05:33 PM

i think you should give her the space she needs and the idea of her having a boyfriend might be a tad farfetched, some women need to leave just to sort out whats important to them, i havent done that it was my H that walked out on me needing space and to see what he needs. if its important to u and u really have to know then ask her, other then that respect her need for space, i know its hard i have the same thought s in my head about H, but i know he needs space and thats what im giving him. 1 more week and its new yr, contact her then andsee what she comes back with

desert-rose · 12-28-2011, 03:38 AM

Maybe you guys should try going to counseling together, too, after a while? It sounds like she is really very bothered about something and you're not understanding her POV. Maybe she is taking your behavior differently from what you mean and is struggling to communicate with you about it in a way that doesn't negate her needs and wants. You say yourself that you have been neglectful. You also say that you want this relationship. Maybe you just need to give her some time to heal a little so that she has the strength she needs to work things out with you. Keep going to counseling on your own and hopefully, she will join you at some point. Don't read more into her need for space than she is saying. Sounds like she just needs to figure some stuff out on her own. Contact her after the date you guys agreed is okay for you both and see what happens. Hang in there.

insomnia255 · 12-28-2011, 03:41 PM

thanks desert rose. when she seperated she said that i should get counselling and then when she has had her space away from me then we can go counselling together. I will most likely still go to counselling on my own for a while as i have a number of issues i need to improve on to make myself a better person/husband. But yes i do intend on going to sessions together as there appears to have been a communication break down

jimmmy · 12-30-2011, 01:20 PM

She's got a boyfriend ...or someone waiting take it from me