Setting boundaries, kindly and firmly

madaboutlove · 12-26-2011, 04:32 PM

Christmas morning I invited the STBXH to join my sons and I for breakfast and gift opening. I sent him an email that said come at 10 for breakfast. He texted me to say yes and when can he leave his gifts under the tree, I said Christmas morning. At 9AM I was finishing my shower and getting dressed when I saw his car in the driveway. WHAT?? I finished getting dressed, came downstairs to find him wrapping gifts in our back room. Including one for me, after I sent a text that said no gifts. I was quite upset, and as usual, I just cried and got mad but didn't make him leave. SO I am writing today to tell you all what my therapist and I worked out today. I am allowed to set boundaries and expect them to be respected. It doesn't make me a bad person or a B***H if I ask to have my wishes followed. I have been a caretaker and worried about doing what made others happy all my life and it just made me bitter and angry, so no more. On to 2012 with a new attitude.

EleGirl · 12-26-2011, 04:43 PM

You being able to set boundaries makes sense.

But I can also see that it's not totally unreasonable for him to who up an hour early to wrap presents. The both of you are still trying to figure this all out. Next time you can be more clear and the time and no early arrival.

madaboutlove · 12-26-2011, 04:50 PM

sorry, it is unreasonable, he has an apartment. He moved out 8 months ago. I was clear, told him I would change the locks if he didn't respect that this was now my home. Not still trying to figure this out, he said divorce, so divorce it is. I had no say at all. What is left to figure, except that i don't need to be a doormat any more

JazzTango2Step · 12-26-2011, 09:09 PM

Well, its your house. He should realize that its your house, your rules. You don't show up at his place unannounced, he shouldn't do the same for you. He should knock and wait for you to answer the door.

When my husband spoke of divorce earlier this year (he was seeing another woman) I told him fine, divorce. You don't get to see me naked anymore, and ontop of that, I'm leaving. It opened his eyes up for the moment, anyways. Of course it didn't last long and when I returned to him, the abuse escalated and I had to leave shortly after again. But boundaries are boundaries. You are two separate people again in divorce, not one like you were in marriage. Its time for your husband to realize it.

madaboutlove · 12-27-2011, 08:56 AM

Thank you. Not being noticed or respected for my opinions isa big reason we are in this place in our marriage. I never spoke up, except in anger and frustration instead of telling the truth of how I felt. This boundary was set by my husband, not me, he wants this divorce, this is a consequence of that. Don't you think I want him here all the time, wouldn't I have rather had him wrapping presents beside me, waking up Christmas morning next to me. IF he won't do that, how can I let him do the rest!!