Re: is it a good idea to get family involved ?
I think it depends on the kinds of problems you're having, the reasons why people are involved and what it means to have the kind of family connection that could be supportive down the line. If family is meddling because they have an agenda that has to do with something gossipy or nasty, then it is a problem. If they're genuinely trying to be supportive, then they can be a source of recognizing where problems and faults lie in the relationship. They know your wife in a different way and hearing their POV might help you, too, just as she might learn from hearing their POV about you.
Well, my family and my WH's family both became involved in our problems even though I hadn't intended that to be the case. I'd rarely talked about any of our problems because I wanted to protect our marriage. Unfortunately, when WH became verbally and emotionally abusive while we were living with my family temporarily, they felt they had to intervene. Things got far worse when his behavior actually involved offending people in my family directly and violating my family's trust and privacy. I tried to take the blame in order to keep it between us, but, when WH was really making it seem like I was crazy and had imagined his cheating (I had proof), overreacted to his language and behavior when he was angry (4 therapists and family members on both sides called it abusive), and then tried to make my entire family seem like they were crazy for objecting to what he had done and trying to talk to him about it, then....there wasn't really a way to keep it from emerging. I tried to take the blame and things got out of hand. He blames me for the breakdown of our relationship because I failed to conceal his transgressions and behaviors, even as he tried to throw me under the bus when I hadn't been the disloyal one. When family became involved....it became way worse. It seems like there is no way we can repair the damage anymore. Even if I'd be willing to forgive what he had done (which I would be, if he would express remorse and agree to change, rather than tell me I'm imagining things), it seems like both his family and my family now have some say in how things play out. Our actions and behaviors have become limited because of their involvement.
I'm not trying to hijack your thread, just saying that people have different ways of involving their families and drawing support from each other. if you really love each other, then you will find a way to make things work so that all the naysayers and doubters and dislikers of you and your own behavior will come to change their minds. It's not about your wife's family, but about whether or not you love your wife enough to show her that she matters, that you can respect the things that do matter to her. So you did some bad things....big deal. We're all human. We all make mistakes. It's how we deal with them that makes us who we are.
I guess what I'm saying is that even if you're a private person and this feels like a big deal to you, maybe you can be open to learning something from the experience. Sometimes, it's the people in our lives that keep us in check when we tune out the voice of our conscience. It doesn't matter if they know what you've done or that you've screwed up. It only means that they will understand you better. If you work things out with your wife and you both are happy again, I'm sure her family will also eventually come around. Don't let pride be the thing that stands in the way of making your marriage work if you want it to. Hang in there and set your embarrassment to the side. Their opinion doesn't actually matter anyway and if you can look at yourself in the mirror, that is what counts.