Falling apart - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 07:52 AM Thread Starter
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Falling apart

This is my first time posting here. Been reading stuff in other sections for a while. Using some of them to help my marriage. But the wife came home 2 nights ago after a week away and told me she thinks we aren't good for each other anymore and she's looking for a place to stay. We've been going to counseling and I've been doing the steps she asked me to do. Words of affirmation and all those. Not painfully, but willingly. But I was taking it slow because I was unsure. Now it seems I took too long getting it all together. I'm a hard nosed person. My wife is the only one who sees the softer sife. She's the only one I've ever told about my fears and what makes me sad. But I'm also afraid because she is a deep depressive and I've supported her decision the last few years about not taking meds because she doesn't like how they make her feel. And she hasn't gone to therapy because I was her therapy. God I was so wrong. I just wanted to support my wife.
Don't get me wrong. I've done plenty wrong. I've learned from the wrong but by the time I learned she'd already boxed me out. I swear I'm not giving up. I'm gonna show her why she fell in love with me in the first place. Why we got married. Why she trusted me and moved to a completely different state with me. I'll be that guy. The battle hasn't been to stop the crying in myself and to not beg her. I'm just so unsure. Another appointment with the counselor today...wife won't go but I'm going. I need help and I'll get it. Hopefully she'll do the same.

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: Falling apart

I hear this quite a bit. One spouse is unhappy and is talking to the other about it for quite some time however is met with silence. Finally, the spouse has had enough and that's when the other finally starts listening & making changes. Did a light bulb just light up when she talked about leaving?

Is it too late? Maybe, or maybe not. You can keep going to counseling and keep striving for small improvements within yourself. You can't control what she does. Show her through your ACTIONS that you're listening. You can talk about it all you want, but actually seeing the change (and not just short term change) is what's important.

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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 08:43 AM
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Re: Falling apart

Is she having an affair or is she a WAW (walk away wife, google the definition). DIfferent protocols for each type.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: Falling apart

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
I hear this quite a bit. One spouse is unhappy and is talking to the other about it for quite some time however is met with silence. Finally, the spouse has had enough and that's when the other finally starts listening & making changes. Did a light bulb just light up when she talked about leaving?
Is it me or does this only seem to happen with men???
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: Falling apart

Mike:

First, check your phone bill. Look for any phone numbers you do not recognize which are receiving too many calls or texts. You want to rule out that there is another man. You may have asked her about this already. Ignore her answer; they rarely tell the truth when there actually is one.

Now, assuming there is not another rooster in the hen house...

Here is the thing, Mike: I have zero interest in being with someone who does not want to be with me. An interesting question to ask yourself is why you do. So, why do you want someone to be with you who says she wants away from you?

Your want to fight for the marriage is noble, honorable, and straight out of a fairy tale. Grandiose gestures are not only going to have her looking at you with resentment saying "where was this guy two years ago", it is also not sustainable. In other words, stop trying to win her over. A wise person once told me that winning a woman's love is a fools errand, and he was right.

Why?

Because the act of winning a person requires you to be something you are naturally not in order to "win". Then, when things get comfortable, and the effort level drops, she starts looking for the man she fell in love with and realizes it was all just an act.

Do you want to take concrete action that will actually help? You can start by realizing that it is nearly impossible to push a rope. Distance yourself from her. Tell her that you are honoring and respecting her request to end the marriage. Tell her you want her to find true happiness, and the last thing you want to do is stand in her way. Tell her you hope her new life is all she dreamed it is. Tell her you will help her pack her stuff. Tell her it is best that you limit conversation to discussions on how to dissolve the union and divide assets.

Conversely, when she wants a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bounce ideas off of, or to just vent about her day, tell her that is what married people do, and her indication to you was that she did not want to remain married, so there will be no discussing such matters. Tell her you will be more than willing to do so if she is interested in working to repair the marriage with you, and that the ball is in her court, but until her actions indicate she is working with you to repair the marriage, you will proceed towards divorce, and that you love her too much to not let her have what she wants.

This will require tremendous strength on your part. It will hurt. It will make you question yourself. But the bottom line is that she has indicated she wants to end the marriage. The single best thing you can do is to give her exactly what she thinks she wants, because it likely will not be the as great as she believes. And if it is, and she does find happiness in the distance, there was no saving the marriage to begin with.

She likely has a ton of resentment built up, and much of it may be justified. But these simple (yet difficult) actions will tell you all you need to know about whether the marriage is viable or not. Or, you can continue to pursue her, while she pushes you away, as she tries to extract her pound of flesh from you for retribution for all the bad things you have done to her.

Lastly, you need to read the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.'s by Wayne Levine. It will show you have to be a better man, partner, and lover, so that you can look yourself in the mirror and be proud of the person staring back at you. Also, either the current or future Mrs. Mike will benefit from you being a better man.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Chris2583 View Post
This is my first time posting here. Been reading stuff in other sections for a while. Using some of them to help my marriage. But the wife came home 2 nights ago after a week away and told me she thinks we aren't good for each other anymore and she's looking for a place to stay. We've been going to counseling and I've been doing the steps she asked me to do. Words of affirmation and all those. Not painfully, but willingly. But I was taking it slow because I was unsure. Now it seems I took too long getting it all together. I'm a hard nosed person. My wife is the only one who sees the softer sife. She's the only one I've ever told about my fears and what makes me sad. But I'm also afraid because she is a deep depressive and I've supported her decision the last few years about not taking meds because she doesn't like how they make her feel. And she hasn't gone to therapy because I was her therapy. God I was so wrong. I just wanted to support my wife.
Don't get me wrong. I've done plenty wrong. I've learned from the wrong but by the time I learned she'd already boxed me out. I swear I'm not giving up. I'm gonna show her why she fell in love with me in the first place. Why we got married. Why she trusted me and moved to a completely different state with me. I'll be that guy. The battle hasn't been to stop the crying in myself and to not beg her. I'm just so unsure. Another appointment with the counselor today...wife won't go but I'm going. I need help and I'll get it. Hopefully she'll do the same.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Last edited by farsidejunky; 03-15-2017 at 09:33 AM.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:12 AM
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Yep, check your phone bill.

First step. Go online and look for a lot of calls texts to a specific number
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Falling apart

Quote:
Originally Posted by naiveonedave View Post
Is she having an affair or is she a WAW (walk away wife, google the definition). DIfferent protocols for each type.
Yes!

@Mike Chris2583 We need more information to determine course of action.

If you wife is a WAW, and there is no other man she is chasing, nicing her may help.

If she is chasing another man, being nice, care and understand is the ABSOLUTE WRONG thing to do.

Please tell more about the marriage and recent events.

You came to the right place.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:33 AM
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Re: Falling apart

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
Is it me or does this only seem to happen with men???
An unhappy wife will walk or cheat. An unhappy man is more likely to cheat, then walk, IMO.

Maybe men as just bad listeners and don't get the clues that the women do.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: Falling apart

Not enough info to go on here....OP says he made a lotta mistakes. What were they? An affair that she can't move past? Neglect? Anger? Could be that she's interested in someone else, or it could be that she's unhappy. As for treating her depression naturally, has she been diagnosed with depression? Most women who are unhappy in their marriages become depressed. Women whose emotional needs are unmet become depressed. And antidepressants have known complicated side-effects, so I wouldn't automatically blame her for being depressed and unwilling to take meds, especially if she's seeking natural treatment. Natural therapies can be more effective in treating depression for some people.

What are her complaints of the marriage?
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Falling apart

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Chris2583 View Post
I'm gonna show her why she fell in love with me in the first place. Why we got married. Why she trusted me and moved to a completely different state with me. I'll be that guy. The battle hasn't been to stop the crying in myself and to not beg her. I'm just so unsure. Another appointment with the counselor today...wife won't go but I'm going. I need help and I'll get it. Hopefully she'll do the same.
If you really have been reading here for a bit, you should know that THIS is NOT the way to go about this. When someone wants to leave you, bending over backwards and kissing their ass never works, all it does is make you look weak and pathetic. If anything, it shoves them out the door even faster. (I know it did me for sure..!) Put on a straight face, let her go, and do the 180 on her. She may notice and be intrigued by your strength, or she may not...doesnt matter. This is for YOU, not for her. Dont help her with anything, dont be her friend, this now becomes a business transaction.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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