Need To Get Over Feeling Guilty
I'll try to keep this brief (that's not gonna happen - sorry) I've been married to my husband for 21 years. We have 3 teenagers. From the beginning, I had a hard time communicating - we are very different in so many ways. I hate conflict and do whatever I can to avoid it. Unfortunately that involves avoiding communicating as well. Finances was always the big issue. I handled the finances, although he was the breadwinner. I've worked part time for years and he full time. But I was able to be home with the kids through the school years. We were fortunate to purchase our first home with the help of my parents. They sold it to us at a very low price, leaving enough equity for when we sold. There were many issues for years that caused arguments, but I know that's normal in a marriage.
I'll fast forward to the past 5 years, which is really when I started feeling the way I feel about our marriage. We sold the house and moved out of town, which was a great move in my opinion. Better school, great neighborhood, great town (we had lived in my home town, which was stressful as he never really felt like he fit in) in 2012, I was hospitalized for a week and needed surgery a few months later, being hospitalized again for a week. Both hospital visits, he hardly came in to visit, other than to drop off, pick up and bring the kids in to see me once (they were 9, 13 & 14 at that time) He was more concerned with the house being kept up (not for me, but for him - he is very uptight with the house etc) After the surgery, I had a few more health issues that came about. It was hard to talk to him, as he always tried to come up with reasons for these ailments (if you take better care of yourself, blah blah blah - mind you, the issues were tumors and other hereditary issues that could not be prevented) From that point on, I started avoiding talking to him about my health as I didn't feel supported. In 2013, my Mom had minor day surgery (doc messed up), which led to 18 months of hospitalization and eventual death. My family is very close and myself, my Dad and my siblings spent alot of time with my Mom at the hospital. Dad spent every day for 18 months. I tried to get in 3 times a week. He wasn't supportive and gave me grief whenever I went in. Just always with a negative attitude. After 18 months, she made the very difficult decision to go home (to my brother's house) under hospice care to spend her last days with family. It was very emotional and beautiful. She had family & friends with her at all times. In the week that she was home, he came to see her once. My siblings all had their spouses there with them as much as they could possibly be there. He is a teacher, so he wasn't even working, yet only made it there once. Constantly getting the "where's *****?" from my siblings, dad and other friends/family.
This past October, I was feeling sick for a few days.. got to a point where my chest hurt and trouble breathing. I'm pretty in tuned with my body and knew it was either pneumonia or pleurisy (which I had in the past and pain was similar) so I decided to go to a local health express place, knowing it would take too long to get to my primary and didn't want to wait in the ER. So I went and they immediately sent me to the ER. She saw pneumonia on xray and thought blood clot as well. I got there and honestly didn't even want to text/call him. My first call was to my Dad, who I wanted to be with me. But I did text my husband at work and told him where I was and what they thought. His reply was "Okay. So why did you go to health express? Now you're gonna have two co-payments and a bigger one for the hospital) I was fuming. And he didn't even come to the hospital on his ride home. So I kept him updated via text with updates and responses were simple like "ok" "so you don't need dinner then?" etc. It turned out I had pneumonia and pleurisy.
Fast forward to December when the bill for the hospital comes ($100) and he asks what it was.. I said that's from my visit to the hospital in October. He says "what hospital visit? for what" To be clear though, alot of our tension came from me not be honest about our finances. I wasn't spending it on things for myself, but when he asked how the CC balances were, I'd just say fine, even if they weren't. That got out of hand as I got laid off last year, so the payments were smaller (I was paying from my pay checks) So this Summer I was up front with the CC balances which were higher than he expected. It caused alot of tension. We took out a home equity to pay them. We still have alot of equity in the house. So after the hospital issue, it hit me that life is too short to be this unhappy and I said I was going to give it through the end of 2016 to make a decision about what I want. Many times, he would say things like "I'm not living like this" etc. That kind of wears on you. And the constant bickering and negativitiy was endless. And our kids have seen how miserable we are.. sometimes even asking me "mom, how are you even with him" yet I know a divorce would be devastating to them. I also felt hypocritical as I always gave the advice to my friends who were staying in a loveless marriage for the kids.. I always told them not to, as that would be showing your kids what marriage should not be etc.
So fast forward to NYE 2016 We were going to a friends for a party and he says he doesn't really feel like going. I was like "fine. I'm going either way" He does end up going. It was a great party. As the ball dropped and everyone was ringing in the NY, we didn't even look at eachother.. a minute or so later, we were like "oh hey.. happy new year" and gave a kiss. It was very telling in my opinion. We had drunken sex that night (which for many months, I was not wanting it or enjoying it) it became more of an obligation. So I woke up on New Years Day and decided that I can't be this unhappy anymore. I decided I was going to make a change. A few days later I got up the courage to tell him things need to change and I want a "break". It was a tense conversation and he didn't really get what I was saying. I suggested therapy and he said he didn't have time for it. So a few weeks go by and nothing changed. I brought up the conversation again and again he listened to me, but didn't hear me. Two weeks after that, I finally used the word separation and he seemed very taken aback. So apparently he didn't even comprehend what I had been telling him for the month prior. I had taken up going to the gym every night as it got me out of the house. So now it's all hitting him and he gets very defensive. Says it's his domain.. he's not leaving the house or the kids etc. Then says he will do therapy. I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore.. which was very hard for me. I am overly sensitive and hate hurting people.. I've always put others feelings ahead of mine (which is why I stayed for so long) I had to be truthful.
So we started therapy and he decided he wants to make it work and keeps apologizing and confessing his undying love to me. I've gotten to a point when I don't feel it for him anymore. I started sleeping on the couch, although get up in the morning and go back to the bed as the kids don't know yet. I have told him that we are not having sex (there was also an awful situation a few years back involving sex that pretty much had a lasting effect on me) He is pissed because he has needs etc. Sex is not important to me right now and I don't want to just fulfill a need. Plus it will lead to confusion. Our therapist suggest individual therapy for both of us. He went to his for the first time on Monday (he fears therapy as I believe there are things from his childhood that he never dealt with or admitted) But after his therapy, he came home and started telling me what they talked about.. and he got angry and resentful. He is placing the blame all on me. I know he's angry so I listen. Told him he doesn't need to share what he discusses in his therapy. Yesterday was very stressful as he discussed his needs again .. he says he wants to either make this work or rip off the bandaid as he sees me moving on without him. I have nowhere to go and we don't have the finances for this. I can't leave my kids. I figure an in-house separation for a bit. We have couples therapy tonight and she knows where we both stand. He knows I'm not in love with him. I don't see myself growing old with him. He thinks because of our age, we should just deal with it and live out the rest of years together (I'm 48 and he's 49) I say we move on, knowing that we still have good years left and we can both possibly find happiness and show our kids that happiness and self-worth is very important. If anyone has done inhouse separation for a period of time, can you give me any advice. If I had the funds, I would get an apartment in the area. I am on the deed, but not the mortgage.. so the house is mine as well. Man this is hard! Thanks for reading.. i'm sure it's very confusing.
**wanted to add a few things: in May of 2013, my doc found a rare tumor (non-cancerous at this time, but can change at any time) on my pancreas, which threw me into a whole new attitude toward life and being happy. The following Summer I had some "bucket list" thoughts. There was something I always wanted to do - a whale watch. A simple boat ride out on the harbor. He has no fear of boats or the water or anything. He just didn't feel like going (after I bought two tickets) wanted to work in the yard (something he does every day in the Summer) I went by myself - had an amazing time. He never thought twice about coming with me. I honestly would have dropped everything to do this for him, knowing it was a bucket list item.
He has no compassion or empathy and those are two things are very important to me. He gets mad if our kids get emotional when someone dies etc We had a teenager die in town this year and my daughter wanted to go the funeral. I took her. He doesn't know why I took her.. then says we're raising "weenies" when it comes to our kids having compassion etc.
He also started tracking my phone by GPS (I literally go the gym or the supermarket and back these days) and got upset when I changed my password to my phone. He got up in the middle of the night one night and tried to get into my phone. I would never grab his phone. He doesn't think I'm cheating, he just thinks people are feeding me thoughts about all this. Which bother me too, that he thinks I wouldn't have my own thoughts & ideas. I changed my password because me daughter always grabbed my phone and would look at my texts. Some of our text have gotten heated and I don't want her to see them.
Last edited by happymom2017; 03-15-2017 at 12:36 PM.