Re: Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?
Ok, so I am gonna bite on this one because when I went through this, for I always felt like no one had any real advice.
1) Can it work, well I am in the process of finding that out. I was separated from my wife for 14 months. About a week before the holiday I invited her to a movie, during the movie there was a scene that made her realize that I had changed, and it was not just me telling her what she wanted to hear.
2) 1st off I have changed, I am not as angry as I was, as apposed to when we were married. 2nd, being alone made me just miss my family and my wife all the more. But, here is how you need to get through this period. You have to want to change, she still loves you, she does, but the neg things you did throughout the marriage have forced her to give up on you.
3) Dont blame her, do not say the phrase you did this to me, or your hurtiing our children by doing this, so your wife cant be thinking of the children. From my experience, for the easier choice is to come back to you.... the harder one is to go at it alone. Lastly, dont ever say, she cant do it without you, because she can.
4) Bye now your wife is hitting the gym every other day, and wearing clothes you never thought she would wear again. Well, she is trying to control that piece of her life, meaning with everything in dealing with a divorce, she can control what she eats, and improve how she looks and feels.
5) You need to be supportive of her, but not a cruch. Fix yourself, from a guys perspective, you will be depressed for a long time, maybe bury yourself at work, or just start dating anyone you can just to have someone talk to you.
6) If you do date, do not tell anyone. Also, don't compare everyone that is not your wife. Meaning, just enjoy the person in front of you. This is big, force yourself to have a good time, let go, dont worry about what your wife is doing that will just drive yourself nuts...
7) Go to the gym, work out, get a tan, start feeling better about yourself, buy some new sexyier clothes. Trust me, when you do see your wife, you want her to wonder what you are doing and, why you always look so.... get it, even if youre doing nothing, on the days you see her, look your best. Then be nice, not mean, ask her how she is doing, etc, if she talks to you great, if not, say maybe we can talk (for 5 mins) another day, if she seems busy that is..... Overall, do not loom, leave. If you have the kids, drop off quickly, let the kids go to the door without you sometimes, doing be predictable.
8) Do not discuss your separation with every friend or family member you can, do not ask them what you should do, for they will not know, so dont bother asking, and if you have community friends, do not ask them about how she is doing, let your wife be the one that asks them how you are doing.
9) Let her go, for real.... Close the chapter, and plan to move on with out her forever. And, no matter what, do NOT BE A JERK, she is going through a hard time as well, regardless if she shows it to you or not.
As of current: My situtation:
1) Well, after the movie, she called me a few days later and said that she wants to try again. She and I both were in other releationships. For me, even in the other relationship, for I found myself thinking about my wife, so when she called I figured to cut the relationship, no matter how painful and re-do with my wife.
2) The troubles that I have seen in getting back together, the big one is that the wife has flipped the switch, so longer does she seem cold or mean( as in before when we were separated) instead she is realy trying, but I have noticed that I am different. If it doesnot work between us, for I believe that I will be the one that leaves, and really I will be fine with it, I will only feel bad for the kids we have, because they know we are trying again.
3) THe wife is extremely jealous of the girl I was dating... The guy that she was dating, I really could care less about, yes she slept with him. But here is how I let it go.... Have you ever broken up from a longterm girlfriend, then fast forward a few years, and the two of you try again..... Well, what is the difference from that...
4) She called me, she chose me, that for me, is good enough, as long as she treats me, as I deserve to be treated, I will keep trying.
5) Do I miss the ex girl friend... Really, I am not sure, the ex girlfriend and I seems to have a more relaxing time together, why wouldnt we, for we have no kids together, no bills together, and no real hardships together.... but with the wife there is a lot of history there, and at times it feels great, then other times it feels strange.
6) Will my wife and I stay together... I do not know, for I wish I did. Would I be happier with the ex girlfriend in the long run? Well, Im not 100% sure... but I can say this, even on the best day being with the ex girlfriend, I was recalling that my wife and I had even better days together, and that in the end was the choice that holds me to contining to try with my wife.
7) I hope this helps another guy out there... When I was looking for answers I really didnt find any, truly I had to go through the pain. I would say for the most part I have re-located myself, I have no problem being alone now.... and enjoy letting my wife show her feelings towards me...
8) Last take away, we are all nuts, women and men both, and the real key is finding someone perfect for you... not just perfect, there is no such thing. Oh this was an eye opener, women think about sex just as much as men. And, when women get together with their girlfriends, 90% of the time they talk about sex, and their relationships, and about what guy they need to upgrade to or from. See what I found baffling is that a women will tell her girlfriend in step by step details what is wrong with their guy, but then to the actual guy they will hint and expect us to read thier minds.... and no women, telling us 10 times over ten years something bothers you, for our answer will be, "What, you never told me!" Tell us like you would tell a girlfriend, then tell us for 10 days straight, ten times a day, because then we will start to get it.
I went out with a group of girls one time, and what amazed me was they all said the same thing, just in a different way, meaning the topic of what bothered them was different, and that they didnt want to tell their boyfriends/husbands was the issue... One girl said to me, that she wanted to have more sex with her husband, and when they did it was amazing.... So I told her go tell him..... She said she hsa in the past, I asked what happened every time she complained to him.... She says they had amazing sex..... My advice was tell him every other day.... and that I would be surprised if the guy didnt man up each time...
I guess the morale of the tale is to communicate, if your not happy say it, tell each other what makes you happy, and do exactly what they say...... Dont lead in with.... I want you, to want to do the dishes..... And for guys, if your gonna do something she wants you to do, that you hate..... dont pout... be there.... be charming, take part get excited doing something that she knows you dont want to do..... for it will go miles to make her happy... verses complaining and not letting her enjoy what she wanted to do, and/or then she starts thinking I should not even have brought him.... and that is how the road to divorce and separation begins....
Communicate, nicely, dont try to win the fight..... No one wins in the end.... She's the mother of your children, do you really ever want to make her cry, if the answer to that is yes, then you should not try to get back together...