Malibu17

My wife and I have MANY issues which has caused our separation (currently over 10 months). So far, nothing has brought us really close to reconciling and getting back together. We had alot of counseling a year prior to the separation and it's come to this...

I was wondering how many out there, have successfully gotten back together, without working out all their issues and their relationship worked out fine. If not, were you 1)miserable the whole time you were back together and 2) did it all fall apart again in a matter of days, weeks, months or years to the point where you separated again and/or got divorced?

I'm just trying to determine if I should move back home (because my wife misses me and wants me too), even though the issues haven't really been resolved.

Any thoughts on this?

overitnolove

I've been separated from my husband since December 17.

We see each other kind of regularly, and I constantly too and fro from yes! lets give it another go, to God! I see whywe have separated and we are just TOO different.

But, I still hold a flame but I still can't figure out whether or not my hope is motivated by fear and dissapointment, or whether it is a legitimate hope because we are meant to be together.

Separation is very very hard. How long have you been separated? If it has been a matter of a few weeks then stay deparated and wait for that immence pain to wear away. You can't make any decisions in that frame of mind.

The thing is. No one wants this to happen, even if you felt you had not choice but to break the relationship at the time and I think that is the main thing that is so confusing.

When you care for someone, even though life with them became intolerable over time, you still care for them nonetheless.

Every time I have met with my husband, we talk, usually argue, sometimes cry, and somtimes kiss passionatlely, but still, the kisses are bound by a lind of saddness. It is like we are tying to kiss ourselves back together.

It is difficult for me because everyone thinks I have made the right decision, and everytime we spend time, I am again convinced, but as soon as we go our separate ways, I miss him again.

I think that if you want it to work you have to be really willing, on bioth sides, to work extra hard at it. I guess I'm not there yet because I was too letdown.

Just ask yourself if you are willing to throw yourself into repairing it completley with all of your mind and soul. If you can't do that, and she can't do that, then it is a waste of time.

I'm, still trying to work that one out for myself.

How long have you been sepatated?

Malibu17

We have been separated for 10 months now... since March 2008. It's been a roller coaster and very painful AND lonesome. We have been married 21 years and have two great teenage children (ages 16 & 18). We had been to 2 different counselors in the past 4 years. The last counselor told us to really try (her suggestions and the books), for at least 6 months - 1 year and if it didn't work out then we could determine whether or not to separate and/or divorce. At 1 year after she said that, my wife began mentioning that we should separate and I moved out. She was devastated shortly thereafter and wanted me to move back home, but I feared the issues (that hadn't been resolved) would start all over again and I'd end up moving out again and start the pain all over with her, the kids and me...That's why I haven't moved back home, even though she wants me too.

I told her today, that we needed to give it at least a full year of separation (if we can't get back together because of issues), and then determine where we need to go from here. The vicious cycles of issues have got to stop and I won't go back to the way it was before I moved out.

We communicate at least every other day, usually on IM, e-mail, or phone. In fact, we still share the same checking acct. She just calls me when she's bought something to put the receipt amt in the checkbook. She's a stay at home mom that homeschools our kids and I own a successful business, so she's very dependent on me...

I want what's best for each of us and under the circumstances, it may not be to stay married to each other. It's very complicated.

overitnolove

It is possible that she is just really un happy with her own life.

I'm a writer and don't really like my life/work balance annd I think, if I am honest I blammedmy personal issues with life/direction on him, which is very screwy... but women cant help but intertwine their happiness with the conection of their man, as un heathy as it is.

I'm changing my life a little bit to see if it changes anything. Maybe suggest that she diversify her time a little.

Maybe she decided to home school and be the' perfect mother/wife' and it has done her head in over the years because she didn't do anything for herself, and she is really, maybe, a little jealous of your successful business and life, even if it is sub-conscious.

I could see myself doing something life that... You know, do what is right, but not follow what you really want to do, kind of thing.

So, maybe if she is angry at you, she is angry at herself?

Do you love her?

Explain the dynamics... Did she run the 'family'? You? Was it her choice to homeschool?

Malibu17

Let me give you some background on us; I came from a stable, loving christian home with two great parents. My wife came from a volatile, verbally abusive home where she was sexually molested by her mothers boyfriend from the time she was about 7 yrs old, until she was around 17 yrs old. Her real dad was an alcoholic, that committed suicide after we began dating.

I believe I married her more out of obligation (and to rescue her), then out of love.

Flash forward 20 years later; My wife and us, have been to several counselors. She has more so, to deal with her past, suicide attempts and depression. She'll be on medicine the rest of her life because of it. We have been on the verge of divorce several times thru the years, hence one of the reasons for all the counseling...

We both wanted what's best for our kids and agreed homeschooling would be best for them. My wife has been a stay at home mom and has homeshooled them for the past 7 years. She has also began some college night classes for herself.

She has a very strong, outspoken personality that clashes with mine. Even though I'm (supposed), to be the head of the household, her harsh voice tones and personality can cause us conflicts. This is just one of the MANY issues we have...Toxic relationship

She blames me for her low self-esteem and claims I mentally abuse her, of which I apologized if I have, but we have each abused one another mentally over the years...and the cycle has got to stop...one reason we're separated.

I don't desire her sexually (haven't for a long time), because of her demeanor and appearance, among other issues...

She has told me more than once that she can understand why I would divorce her and wouldn't blame me... I told her the same, since I had an affair years ago, that she knows about.

There's a lot of complicated issues that I don't think counseling, books and seminars can resolve, because we tried...

Bottom line; Even though she says she doesn't want a divorce, she can understand why I would file. I told her we'd give it a full year of separation (which will be this March 8th), and then make a decision. This is where we're at.

It would take MANY more pages to cover all the issues we have with one another, that's killing our love/relationship.

swedish

I was separted from my ex for a year (a year after we married...we dated 7 years prior)...we got back together, had 3 kids together and divorced after 12 years of marriage. I do think that if the issues aren't resolved, at some point you will be unhappy within the marriage and want out again. It's certainly worth trying to rebuild your marriage, but both of you need to be serious about changing and resolving the underlying issues.

Now that she's saying she wants you back, is she making efforts to change things or does she still have the 'you should accept me as I am' mentality?

Do you think she healed from your past affair? Is this something you have shown true remorse for?

Malibu17

For the most part, she believes I should love and accept her as she is, unconditionally. She does admit that she has faults and isn't perfect, but doesn't appreciate me telling her her faults (considered mental or verbal abuse I guess). She says she wants the marriage to work, but hasn't really done anything to make it happen. She's reactive and not proactive...this (among other reasons), is why I'm about ready to call it quits.

She says she forgives me for the affair, but I believe it will eat at her for a long time and regardless of what I do to rebuild the trust; I don't think she'll ever trust me again.

She hasn't shown me much affection in the past 20 years, because she says; of what I've said to her in the past that killed the affection. Once again, counseling & books (more than one), hasn't resolved this situation, whereby, once again I'm considering divorce.

These are a few of the reasons I haven't moved back home yet...I just fear the unresolved issues will rear their ugly head and I'll end up moving out again and start the pain over. I hate to do this to us and the kids.

I do appreciate any feedback on the best way to proceed in my situation.

Blanca

The only thing i wanted to point out is the dichotomy you set up between you and your wifes upbringings. the christian, loving home vs the abusive home.

If your childhood was as you described, you would not have attracted, and fell in love, with such an emotionally unstable individual. I think your parents relationship must have been less then healthy, and you have some delusions you need to deal with.

This statement is one thing that tells me your parents modeled a less then healthy parenting style. You have a suppressive air about you. It makes me question what kind of man your father must have been, but especially your mom. i bet she was pretty submissive.

Im just saying this as my opinion. if im completely wrong, please disregard anything i have said. i dont mean to offend, or anything like that, its just my opinion.

__________________

overitnolove

Malibu,

Hi. I went out to dinner with my husband last night where he wis working as it is our 2 year anniversary today and he is working. We fought badly beforehand and almost didn't go, mostly because I was getting annoyed at him and poking him. He yelled, I laughed, and then apologised.

At the dinner we talked and I said we should give it another go. He stayed over and when I woke up with him next to me, I had a sad, sinking feeling within me. Now, that is not right or normal.

I just want everything to be wonderful and it never is going to be. If I am mistaken, then is where you, and most separated people sit.

Your relationship sounds very unhappy, and the hardest thing to do is actually say. IT IS OVER. Period.

Cut ties, file, change keys, move on, date. It is a nightmare.

But, if it is really septic, and has been or ever and a day, then it is what it is.

You have to just make the decision and stand firm.

Perhaps I am just having a conversation with myself right here, but I think it is the decision, the finality of it all that makes it so scary and difficult.

Easy. Make a decison to work on it and stay, or cut ties and move on.

I made the decision last night to stay and work on it and woke up sick to my stomach. My body made the decision for me. I'm just a scaredy cat is all. Maybe you are too????

Just a suggestion.

Malibu17

I understand what you're saying, but my parents were loving and great to me and my brothers growing up. They rarely, if ever fought in front of us and seemed to have a good relationship. They celebrated their 50th wedding anniv. a couple of yrs ago.

Actually I met and fell in love with her approximately 1-2 months, before she told me the devastating news of her abuse. I had low self esteem myself and felt when we did get married that 1) Maybe I did love her? 2) I felt an obligation to her and 3) I wanted to rescue her from her home life.4) I didn't think I could get anyone else.

Unfortunately, I found out too late, that #1, 2 & 3 are not good reasons to marry someone.


Actually my mother is very opinionated and therefore, even though they rarely argued in front of me, they had their moments. My father spent quality time with me and we got along great.

Malibu17

overitnolove: You hit the nail on the head. For the most part I'm over my wife and ready to move on. The hardest part is cutting the ties. We've tried everything to make us work and to no avail. I refuse to go back to how it was, before I moved out. It is what it is and nothing is really going to change for the better.

Life's too short to continue in a negative, unaffectionate, unlovable and sexless relationship. I take full responsibility for my stupidity, but this is one reason I ended up having an affair.

sweetpea101

Hi, I had to reread your post to make sure it wasnt my ex posting this....the story is so similar, and I guess I can give you some insite from the other side....my ex and I have very similar backgrounds to you and your wife....I have been in counselling, been on the meds, in fact taken the same path as your wife. My ex and I had a very similar relationship to yours. We were together for 16 years, some good and some down right terrible. After 7 years we divorced, I was never happy and always blamed him. We reconciled a year later and lived together for another 8 years trying to make things work. Sadly it has not worked and last year I decided to take a 4 months sabatical and I went overseas. The time alone made me realise many things about our relationship. In some way we fed off of each others unhappiness (everyone has some or other underlaying personal issue whether we have a good upbringing or not). Whether you like to admit it or not, having someone needy is sometimes a very powerful thing. We both were co-dependant on each other in some way. After I left I realised that I was never going to be happy in any relationship because I essentially hated who I was and what had happened to me and this had poisoned any possibility of me being happy in any relationship. Even though i had been in counselling for many years, it was not until the penny dropped and i realised that I never loved myself.

Another interesting point, and I am not sure if this is relevant to you, but we married when we were both fairly young, and most of our marriage revolved around our children. But as soon as the kids started becoming independant, we no longer seemed to have any common goals.... I do not want you to think that things may never work in your situation, I am just saying that your relationship might have entered into a different phase. I felt lost as soon as my role as mother started to change and I was no longer needed. I also felt like my identity had been taken, this made me restless and even more lost. Its not until I realised that life is not over until you are in that box being covered in dust, that I decided to live!

I regretted not travelling, so I did that, and I have decided to do all those things which I felt I could not do as a mother and wife. My ex is still very much in love with me and wants us to try again. But as I fall further in love with the person I am, I realise that sometimes things are just meant to end. We tried, it never worked and that just sometimes happens.

Our story obviously has many other facets so it cannot be compared but at the end of the day, you know what makes you happy, and you have to do whatever you can you achieve that. You are right, life is way too short to be misrable. Good luck!

Malibu17

sweetpea:

Thank you for your comments. It's refreshing to hear from someone, that understands where I'm coming from. I told my wife yesterday, when she asked if I was happier without her (since we've been separated over 10 months), and I told her I wanted what was best for both of us and 1) I hated the pain this has caused us and the kids and 2) I wanted her to have happiness and fulfillment in her life as well.

There were too many vicious cycles going on (and as you said fed on each others unhappiness), or what I refer to as a toxic relationship. I was also tired of her blaming me for all her feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem. I told her she needed to find herself and what she really wants in life as well.

Will we get back together...probably not, but only God know the future...

If we do, it won't be as it had been for 21 years...I won't stand for it and neither should she.