Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?
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Old 01-19-2009, 11:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?

My wife and I have MANY issues which has caused our separation (currently over 10 months). So far, nothing has brought us really close to reconciling and getting back together. We had alot of counseling a year prior to the separation and it's come to this...

I was wondering how many out there, have successfully gotten back together, without working out all their issues and their relationship worked out fine. If not, were you 1)miserable the whole time you were back together and 2) did it all fall apart again in a matter of days, weeks, months or years to the point where you separated again and/or got divorced?

I'm just trying to determine if I should move back home (because my wife misses me and wants me too), even though the issues haven't really been resolved.

Any thoughts on this?
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Old 01-19-2009, 06:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?

I've been separated from my husband since December 17.

We see each other kind of regularly, and I constantly too and fro from yes! lets give it another go, to God! I see whywe have separated and we are just TOO different.

But, I still hold a flame but I still can't figure out whether or not my hope is motivated by fear and dissapointment, or whether it is a legitimate hope because we are meant to be together.

Separation is very very hard. How long have you been separated? If it has been a matter of a few weeks then stay deparated and wait for that immence pain to wear away. You can't make any decisions in that frame of mind.

The thing is. No one wants this to happen, even if you felt you had not choice but to break the relationship at the time and I think that is the main thing that is so confusing.

When you care for someone, even though life with them became intolerable over time, you still care for them nonetheless.

Every time I have met with my husband, we talk, usually argue, sometimes cry, and somtimes kiss passionatlely, but still, the kisses are bound by a lind of saddness. It is like we are tying to kiss ourselves back together.

It is difficult for me because everyone thinks I have made the right decision, and everytime we spend time, I am again convinced, but as soon as we go our separate ways, I miss him again.

I think that if you want it to work you have to be really willing, on bioth sides, to work extra hard at it. I guess I'm not there yet because I was too letdown.

Just ask yourself if you are willing to throw yourself into repairing it completley with all of your mind and soul. If you can't do that, and she can't do that, then it is a waste of time.

I'm, still trying to work that one out for myself.

How long have you been sepatated?
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Old 01-19-2009, 06:58 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?

We have been separated for 10 months now... since March 2008. It's been a roller coaster and very painful AND lonesome. We have been married 21 years and have two great teenage children (ages 16 & 18). We had been to 2 different counselors in the past 4 years. The last counselor told us to really try (her suggestions and the books), for at least 6 months - 1 year and if it didn't work out then we could determine whether or not to separate and/or divorce. At 1 year after she said that, my wife began mentioning that we should separate and I moved out. She was devastated shortly thereafter and wanted me to move back home, but I feared the issues (that hadn't been resolved) would start all over again and I'd end up moving out again and start the pain all over with her, the kids and me...That's why I haven't moved back home, even though she wants me too.

I told her today, that we needed to give it at least a full year of separation (if we can't get back together because of issues), and then determine where we need to go from here. The vicious cycles of issues have got to stop and I won't go back to the way it was before I moved out.

We communicate at least every other day, usually on IM, e-mail, or phone. In fact, we still share the same checking acct. She just calls me when she's bought something to put the receipt amt in the checkbook. She's a stay at home mom that homeschools our kids and I own a successful business, so she's very dependent on me...

I want what's best for each of us and under the circumstances, it may not be to stay married to each other. It's very complicated.

Last edited by Malibu17; 01-19-2009 at 06:59 PM. Reason: misspelled word
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Old 01-19-2009, 09:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?

It is possible that she is just really un happy with her own life.

I'm a writer and don't really like my life/work balance annd I think, if I am honest I blammedmy personal issues with life/direction on him, which is very screwy... but women cant help but intertwine their happiness with the conection of their man, as un heathy as it is.

I'm changing my life a little bit to see if it changes anything. Maybe suggest that she diversify her time a little.

Maybe she decided to home school and be the' perfect mother/wife' and it has done her head in over the years because she didn't do anything for herself, and she is really, maybe, a little jealous of your successful business and life, even if it is sub-conscious.

I could see myself doing something life that... You know, do what is right, but not follow what you really want to do, kind of thing.

So, maybe if she is angry at you, she is angry at herself?

Do you love her?

Explain the dynamics... Did she run the 'family'? You? Was it her choice to homeschool?
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Old 01-20-2009, 02:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?

Let me give you some background on us; I came from a stable, loving christian home with two great parents. My wife came from a volatile, verbally abusive home where she was sexually molested by her mothers boyfriend from the time she was about 7 yrs old, until she was around 17 yrs old. Her real dad was an alcoholic, that committed suicide after we began dating.

I believe I married her more out of obligation (and to rescue her), then out of love.

Flash forward 20 years later; My wife and us, have been to several counselors. She has more so, to deal with her past, suicide attempts and depression. She'll be on medicine the rest of her life because of it. We have been on the verge of divorce several times thru the years, hence one of the reasons for all the counseling...

We both wanted what's best for our kids and agreed homeschooling would be best for them. My wife has been a stay at home mom and has homeshooled them for the past 7 years. She has also began some college night classes for herself.

She has a very strong, outspoken personality that clashes with mine. Even though I'm (supposed), to be the head of the household, her harsh voice tones and personality can cause us conflicts. This is just one of the MANY issues we have...Toxic relationship

She blames me for her low self-esteem and claims I mentally abuse her, of which I apologized if I have, but we have each abused one another mentally over the years...and the cycle has got to stop...one reason we're separated.

I don't desire her sexually (haven't for a long time), because of her demeanor and appearance, among other issues...

She has told me more than once that she can understand why I would divorce her and wouldn't blame me... I told her the same, since I had an affair years ago, that she knows about.

There's a lot of complicated issues that I don't think counseling, books and seminars can resolve, because we tried...

Bottom line; Even though she says she doesn't want a divorce, she can understand why I would file. I told her we'd give it a full year of separation (which will be this March 8th), and then make a decision. This is where we're at.

It would take MANY more pages to cover all the issues we have with one another, that's killing our love/relationship.
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Old 01-20-2009, 02:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?

I was separted from my ex for a year (a year after we married...we dated 7 years prior)...we got back together, had 3 kids together and divorced after 12 years of marriage. I do think that if the issues aren't resolved, at some point you will be unhappy within the marriage and want out again. It's certainly worth trying to rebuild your marriage, but both of you need to be serious about changing and resolving the underlying issues.

Now that she's saying she wants you back, is she making efforts to change things or does she still have the 'you should accept me as I am' mentality?

Do you think she healed from your past affair? Is this something you have shown true remorse for?
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Old 01-20-2009, 05:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?

For the most part, she believes I should love and accept her as she is, unconditionally. She does admit that she has faults and isn't perfect, but doesn't appreciate me telling her her faults (considered mental or verbal abuse I guess). She says she wants the marriage to work, but hasn't really done anything to make it happen. She's reactive and not proactive...this (among other reasons), is why I'm about ready to call it quits.

She says she forgives me for the affair, but I believe it will eat at her for a long time and regardless of what I do to rebuild the trust; I don't think she'll ever trust me again.

She hasn't shown me much affection in the past 20 years, because she says; of what I've said to her in the past that killed the affection. Once again, counseling & books (more than one), hasn't resolved this situation, whereby, once again I'm considering divorce.

These are a few of the reasons I haven't moved back home yet...I just fear the unresolved issues will rear their ugly head and I'll end up moving out again and start the pain over. I hate to do this to us and the kids.

I do appreciate any feedback on the best way to proceed in my situation.
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Old 01-20-2009, 05:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Malibu17 View Post
Let me give you some background on us; I came from a stable, loving christian home with two great parents. My wife came from a volatile, verbally abusive home
The only thing i wanted to point out is the dichotomy you set up between you and your wifes upbringings. the christian, loving home vs the abusive home.

If your childhood was as you described, you would not have attracted, and fell in love, with such an emotionally unstable individual. I think your parents relationship must have been less then healthy, and you have some delusions you need to deal with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Malibu17 View Post
She has a very strong, outspoken personality that clashes with mine. Even though I'm (supposed), to be the head of the household, her harsh voice tones and personality can cause us conflicts.
This statement is one thing that tells me your parents modeled a less then healthy parenting style. You have a suppressive air about you. It makes me question what kind of man your father must have been, but especially your mom. i bet she was pretty submissive.

Im just saying this as my opinion. if im completely wrong, please disregard anything i have said. i dont mean to offend, or anything like that, its just my opinion.
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Old 01-20-2009, 08:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?

Malibu,

Hi. I went out to dinner with my husband last night where he wis working as it is our 2 year anniversary today and he is working. We fought badly beforehand and almost didn't go, mostly because I was getting annoyed at him and poking him. He yelled, I laughed, and then apologised.

At the dinner we talked and I said we should give it another go. He stayed over and when I woke up with him next to me, I had a sad, sinking feeling within me. Now, that is not right or normal.

I just want everything to be wonderful and it never is going to be. If I am mistaken, then is where you, and most separated people sit.

Your relationship sounds very unhappy, and the hardest thing to do is actually say. IT IS OVER. Period.

Cut ties, file, change keys, move on, date. It is a nightmare.

But, if it is really septic, and has been or ever and a day, then it is what it is.

You have to just make the decision and stand firm.

Perhaps I am just having a conversation with myself right here, but I think it is the decision, the finality of it all that makes it so scary and difficult.

Easy. Make a decison to work on it and stay, or cut ties and move on.

I made the decision last night to stay and work on it and woke up sick to my stomach. My body made the decision for me. I'm just a scaredy cat is all. Maybe you are too????

Just a suggestion.
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Old 01-20-2009, 10:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?

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Originally Posted by ljtseng View Post
If your childhood was as you described, you would not have attracted, and fell in love, with such an emotionally unstable individual. I think your parents relationship must have been less then healthy, and you have some delusions you need to deal with.





This statement is one thing that tells me your parents modeled a less then healthy parenting style. You have a suppressive air about you. It makes me question what kind of man your father must have been, but especially your mom. i bet she was pretty submissive.

Im just saying this as my opinion. if im completely wrong, please disregard anything i have said. i dont mean to offend, or anything like that, its just my opinion.
I understand what you're saying, but my parents were loving and great to me and my brothers growing up. They rarely, if ever fought in front of us and seemed to have a good relationship. They celebrated their 50th wedding anniv. a couple of yrs ago.

Actually I met and fell in love with her approximately 1-2 months, before she told me the devastating news of her abuse. I had low self esteem myself and felt when we did get married that 1) Maybe I did love her? 2) I felt an obligation to her and 3) I wanted to rescue her from her home life.4) I didn't think I could get anyone else.

Unfortunately, I found out too late, that #1, 2 & 3 are not good reasons to marry someone.


Actually my mother is very opinionated and therefore, even though they rarely argued in front of me, they had their moments. My father spent quality time with me and we got along great.
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Old 01-20-2009, 10:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?

overitnolove: You hit the nail on the head. For the most part I'm over my wife and ready to move on. The hardest part is cutting the ties. We've tried everything to make us work and to no avail. I refuse to go back to how it was, before I moved out. It is what it is and nothing is really going to change for the better.

Life's too short to continue in a negative, unaffectionate, unlovable and sexless relationship. I take full responsibility for my stupidity, but this is one reason I ended up having an affair.
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Old 01-26-2009, 06:05 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separated, but should we get back together, or Not?

Hi, I had to reread your post to make sure it wasnt my ex posting this....the story is so similar, and I guess I can give you some insite from the other side....my ex and I have very similar backgrounds to you and your wife....I have been in counselling, been on the meds, in fact taken the same path as your wife. My ex and I had a very similar relationship to yours. We were together for 16 years, some good and some down right terrible. After 7 years we divorced, I was never happy and always blamed him. We reconciled a year later and lived together for another 8 years trying to make things work. Sadly it has not worked and last year I decided to take a 4 months sabatical and I went overseas. The time alone made me realise many things about our relationship. In some way we fed off of each others unhappiness (everyone has some or other underlaying personal issue whether we have a good upbringing or not). Whether you like to admit it or not, having someone needy is sometimes a very powerful thing. We both were co-dependant on each other in some way. After I left I realised that I was never going to be happy in any relationship because I essentially hated who I was and what had happened to me and this had poisoned any possibility of me being happy in any relationship. Even though i had been in counselling for many years, it was not until the penny dropped and i realised that I never loved myself.

Another interesting point, and I am not sure if this is relevant to you, but we married when we were both fairly young, and most of our marriage revolved around our children. But as soon as the kids started becoming independant, we no longer seemed to have any common goals.... I do not want you to think that things may never work in your situation, I am just saying that your relationship might have entered into a different phase. I felt lost as soon as my role as mother started to change and I was no longer needed. I also felt like my identity had been taken, this made me restless and even more lost. Its not until I realised that life is not over until you are in that box being covered in dust, that I decided to live!

I regretted not travelling, so I did that, and I have decided to do all those things which I felt I could not do as a mother and wife. My ex is still very much in love with me and wants us to try again. But as I fall further in love with the person I am, I realise that sometimes things are just meant to end. We tried, it never worked and that just sometimes happens.

Our story obviously has many other facets so it cannot be compared but at the end of the day, you know what makes you happy, and you have to do whatever you can you achieve that. You are right, life is way too short to be misrable. Good luck!
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Old 01-26-2009, 10:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
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sweetpea:

Thank you for your comments. It's refreshing to hear from someone, that understands where I'm coming from. I told my wife yesterday, when she asked if I was happier without her (since we've been separated over 10 months), and I told her I wanted what was best for both of us and 1) I hated the pain this has caused us and the kids and 2) I wanted her to have happiness and fulfillment in her life as well.

There were too many vicious cycles going on (and as you said fed on each others unhappiness), or what I refer to as a toxic relationship. I was also tired of her blaming me for all her feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem. I told her she needed to find herself and what she really wants in life as well.

Will we get back together...probably not, but only God know the future...

If we do, it won't be as it had been for 21 years...I won't stand for it and neither should she.
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Old 12-07-2011, 12:35 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Ok, so I am gonna bite on this one because when I went through this, for I always felt like no one had any real advice.

1) Can it work, well I am in the process of finding that out. I was separated from my wife for 14 months. About a week before the holiday I invited her to a movie, during the movie there was a scene that made her realize that I had changed, and it was not just me telling her what she wanted to hear.

2) 1st off I have changed, I am not as angry as I was, as apposed to when we were married. 2nd, being alone made me just miss my family and my wife all the more. But, here is how you need to get through this period. You have to want to change, she still loves you, she does, but the neg things you did throughout the marriage have forced her to give up on you.

3) Dont blame her, do not say the phrase you did this to me, or your hurtiing our children by doing this, so your wife cant be thinking of the children. From my experience, for the easier choice is to come back to you.... the harder one is to go at it alone. Lastly, dont ever say, she cant do it without you, because she can.

4) Bye now your wife is hitting the gym every other day, and wearing clothes you never thought she would wear again. Well, she is trying to control that piece of her life, meaning with everything in dealing with a divorce, she can control what she eats, and improve how she looks and feels.

5) You need to be supportive of her, but not a cruch. Fix yourself, from a guys perspective, you will be depressed for a long time, maybe bury yourself at work, or just start dating anyone you can just to have someone talk to you.

6) If you do date, do not tell anyone. Also, don't compare everyone that is not your wife. Meaning, just enjoy the person in front of you. This is big, force yourself to have a good time, let go, dont worry about what your wife is doing that will just drive yourself nuts...

7) Go to the gym, work out, get a tan, start feeling better about yourself, buy some new sexyier clothes. Trust me, when you do see your wife, you want her to wonder what you are doing and, why you always look so.... get it, even if youre doing nothing, on the days you see her, look your best. Then be nice, not mean, ask her how she is doing, etc, if she talks to you great, if not, say maybe we can talk (for 5 mins) another day, if she seems busy that is..... Overall, do not loom, leave. If you have the kids, drop off quickly, let the kids go to the door without you sometimes, doing be predictable.

8) Do not discuss your separation with every friend or family member you can, do not ask them what you should do, for they will not know, so dont bother asking, and if you have community friends, do not ask them about how she is doing, let your wife be the one that asks them how you are doing.

9) Let her go, for real.... Close the chapter, and plan to move on with out her forever. And, no matter what, do NOT BE A JERK, she is going through a hard time as well, regardless if she shows it to you or not.

As of current: My situtation:

1) Well, after the movie, she called me a few days later and said that she wants to try again. She and I both were in other releationships. For me, even in the other relationship, for I found myself thinking about my wife, so when she called I figured to cut the relationship, no matter how painful and re-do with my wife.

2) The troubles that I have seen in getting back together, the big one is that the wife has flipped the switch, so longer does she seem cold or mean( as in before when we were separated) instead she is realy trying, but I have noticed that I am different. If it doesnot work between us, for I believe that I will be the one that leaves, and really I will be fine with it, I will only feel bad for the kids we have, because they know we are trying again.

3) THe wife is extremely jealous of the girl I was dating... The guy that she was dating, I really could care less about, yes she slept with him. But here is how I let it go.... Have you ever broken up from a longterm girlfriend, then fast forward a few years, and the two of you try again..... Well, what is the difference from that...

4) She called me, she chose me, that for me, is good enough, as long as she treats me, as I deserve to be treated, I will keep trying.

5) Do I miss the ex girl friend... Really, I am not sure, the ex girlfriend and I seems to have a more relaxing time together, why wouldnt we, for we have no kids together, no bills together, and no real hardships together.... but with the wife there is a lot of history there, and at times it feels great, then other times it feels strange.

6) Will my wife and I stay together... I do not know, for I wish I did. Would I be happier with the ex girlfriend in the long run? Well, Im not 100% sure... but I can say this, even on the best day being with the ex girlfriend, I was recalling that my wife and I had even better days together, and that in the end was the choice that holds me to contining to try with my wife.

7) I hope this helps another guy out there... When I was looking for answers I really didnt find any, truly I had to go through the pain. I would say for the most part I have re-located myself, I have no problem being alone now.... and enjoy letting my wife show her feelings towards me...

8) Last take away, we are all nuts, women and men both, and the real key is finding someone perfect for you... not just perfect, there is no such thing. Oh this was an eye opener, women think about sex just as much as men. And, when women get together with their girlfriends, 90% of the time they talk about sex, and their relationships, and about what guy they need to upgrade to or from. See what I found baffling is that a women will tell her girlfriend in step by step details what is wrong with their guy, but then to the actual guy they will hint and expect us to read thier minds.... and no women, telling us 10 times over ten years something bothers you, for our answer will be, "What, you never told me!" Tell us like you would tell a girlfriend, then tell us for 10 days straight, ten times a day, because then we will start to get it.

I went out with a group of girls one time, and what amazed me was they all said the same thing, just in a different way, meaning the topic of what bothered them was different, and that they didnt want to tell their boyfriends/husbands was the issue... One girl said to me, that she wanted to have more sex with her husband, and when they did it was amazing.... So I told her go tell him..... She said she hsa in the past, I asked what happened every time she complained to him.... She says they had amazing sex..... My advice was tell him every other day.... and that I would be surprised if the guy didnt man up each time...

I guess the morale of the tale is to communicate, if your not happy say it, tell each other what makes you happy, and do exactly what they say...... Dont lead in with.... I want you, to want to do the dishes..... And for guys, if your gonna do something she wants you to do, that you hate..... dont pout... be there.... be charming, take part get excited doing something that she knows you dont want to do..... for it will go miles to make her happy... verses complaining and not letting her enjoy what she wanted to do, and/or then she starts thinking I should not even have brought him.... and that is how the road to divorce and separation begins....

Communicate, nicely, dont try to win the fight..... No one wins in the end.... She's the mother of your children, do you really ever want to make her cry, if the answer to that is yes, then you should not try to get back together...

Good luck
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I have been seperated for almost 10 months, It took me quite a long time to think about before I did it, the wife wasn't paying too much attention to me, would push me away when I went to hug her, always had an excuse - not to mention saying things to hurt me deep inside like no wonder my father left me when I was 3 years old- I never met my real father and he passed away that was because my parents had split up, I never wanted that for myself.

We sat down and she even agreed we were different, went to get an uncontested divorce, she wanted 1500 for the dog in case he needed something, wanted 1600 to pay off her loan to free up money to afford to continue making mortgage payments and wanted to give me 30% of the sale of the house when it's sold, even though I did everything in that house, gardening, she never helped with a thing. I also gave her 15,000 alot of it was cash and never got a receipt for because I trusted her and we got along, I went over and cut the grass and took care of things in the house, I just felt I should because she never took care of things, wanted to make sure it was safe, etc.

So I met someone and that relationship is still questionable, seems being the nice guy that I am those are the women i attract, needy women. So now 10 months later the wife sends me an email saying she wants the agreement fixed to say she wants 400 dollars a month now to help with the mortgage and the money I had already gave her seems to be gone.

My counselor says I am being taken for a ride, she has expressed wanting me back but I too like many of you were just afraid that things would go back to the way they were, let's face it, after I kept up my end of the bargain and paid things for her she acted wreckless so is that the type of women I really want to go back to ? I do miss my house alot, it's hard living with another women, it's not mine, I am not used to having to depend on someone else for anything, I have always been one that enjoyed doing things around the house, working in the yard, having my campfires in the summer.. I really miss that so much.

So I don't know what to do, the wife on one hand says she wants me back then now threatens to get a lawyer, that I am making her wait and she can't wait any longer, she needs someone in her life - I seriously thought about going back as much as it would hurt to leave my current girlfriend but with her acting like that, taking all when I have no more to give, I offered her the house , everything in it, helped her fix her car and pay for a new engine, have been supportive the entire 10 months to her and because she asked me to spend the night one night, that i could stay over if I wanted and I didn't, the next day she got nasty with threats of a lawyer.

I even put things on my walmart card she promised to pay back, I have the emails so I sent her the email she sent me promising to pay me back for 200 dollars worth of things I bought for her that she needed on top of everything else, and she wrote me back and said 'Guess I lied, just like you do'.

At least from what i have read from some of you, your wife is acting decent - is this really a woman I want to go back to? I thought about moving back since I think I have every right if i am expected to pay half the mortgage to go back there but the way she is, it's going to be worse than war of the roses with her, I don't think I would be able to and that's what she wants -what was once a house I was welcome in is now locked when I did nothing wrong but help support her for the past 10 months.
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