Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:05 PM
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

make sure that her $100k is put down as martial assets

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post #17 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:23 PM
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

Ronald Lane,

Does your wife still live in the same state where you live?

How far does she live from you?
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post #18 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

thanks. she is in the same state, about 80 miles away.
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post #19 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

I'm following the 180 plan. Today I went back to the gym, went and bought new guitar strings and found a music store right near my house which also has a cafe where they have live music and open mic nights. The guy who runs it is really cool i wound up talking to him for about an hour. Tonight I am going to a meeting and will go the gym and another meeting tomorrow. I realize I have been isolating pretty much for the last 7 months and I am not healthy.

Other than that, this is very heavy. I alternate between wanting to tell my wife how much a scumbag she is for destroying our family, and then I want to apologize for all the wrongs I have done, not being attentive, not helping out around the house as much, play too much video games etc. I was going through stuff and found some notes and letters my wife had written pointing out things she wanted me to do more of, things she had told me over the past few years that I kind of brushed off, did 1/2 assed or did for a while then stopped. I realize in many ways I took my W for granted and I feel very guilty and sad. I am trying to keep it together and I keep reading the 180 list over and over and so far have not contact W today. I might text tonight just to ask about the kids. I feel like my life is over and I feel so bad for the kids, I have been crying a lot today.

I have been reading a lot of other threads and one guy who was cheated on/lied to said for him there could never be R, because he would always be suspicious and could not live like that and that also it would not be fair to his W. That is where I think I am at. After all that has happened I don't think I will ever be able to fully R. I think my marriage is over no matter what happens w/180 and I'm trying to come to terms with it. Thaks for all your support.
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post #20 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:55 PM
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

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Thank you all for the responses, they are hard truths that I have perhaps been hiding from, well today I am going to call a divorce/mediation lawyer, I have had it and I will explain why.

I had asked my wife to come with the kids for the weekend so we could spend family time together. She said she is not ready for that and needs "another week". Wednesday she told me her sponsor asked her to go on a retreat this weekend. I said what kind of retreat, where, etc? She doesnt have details yet. Thursday she said she has decided to go on retreat, and her sponsor is driving her, she will pick W up tomorrow at 3, can I come get the kids. I says thats great, what kind of retreat, and where is it? W: I didn't ask the details it's a Chopra spiritual retreat, somewhere in North (State).

Now I am suspicious, so I look at the last 90 days of phone bills, something I had promised not to do, and that I actually held to promise for almost 1 year. I find many, many texts btw her and an ex-boyfriend of hers, a guy I know, who was at our wedding, and who she has maintained a friendship with, which I had not problem with when we were together and he was 80 miles away. Nice guy, single, musician, motorcycle, etc, living the dream. Well these texts were many (500+/month) and at late hours, including some 2-3 AM. This is not good, and now I dont believe that she is planning to go on any spiritual retreat.

Your wife has a boyfriend and is in a full out sexual affair. You've buried your head in the sand long enough. She treating you like the doormat you've become.

So last night W txt: will you pick up the kids? Me: Yes, and I would also like to meet your sponsor, if you don't mind.

W: Someday you will

When I'm ready to dump you I'll tell you about my boyfriend who has already met the kids.

I: Tomorrow no good?

W: Idk? I'll see what her plans are. It's not like I have never asked to meet your sponsor. It's called trust!

I have a boyfriend and it's none of your damned business

She's playing you for the fool. Trust me???? Look what that's gotten you.

I: Oh I thought you said her plans were to pick you up at 3? Sry if I misunderstood.

W: (12 minutes later) I don't think you misunderstood but this is what proves you don't trust me. You may never and for that I take sole responsibility. I have never asked to meet with your sponsor because I have always trusted you.
[many lines of blah blah you never trusted me, all I have done is support you etc] Thank you for your support but I'll bow out of the retreat. It was a special opportunity.

Total bull**** guilt trip to keep you in your doormat status. Cheaters lie, hide, deny. You will let her play you for a fool until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Wake up!!!

I: Why?

W: Because I'm not willing to be treated like this anymore.

You gave me my privacy to cheat and I won't accept anything else

I: Why are you cancelling retreat?

W: Not willing to deal with this. Maybe next weekend.

You are interfering with my plans to have sex with my boyfriend

W: This is exactly the problem!

It's all your fault why can't you accept this and continue to be the doormat you were?

This morning W: Happy St. Patric's day! The kids and I have stuff do to this weekend so I'll just stay with them. Have a good weekend.

I: k

W: [cute pics of kids with their green outfits] have a good day

I: ty for pics

Thank you for the breadcrumbs

So, clearly, she had some kind of plans for the weekend other than spirituality. If it was just drinking I don't think there would be reason to cook up a story about going away on retreat. There has been too much lying and deception, and at this point I don't even care if she cheated, or at least I don't care to try to find out because I can't take any more. I was going to try 180 but I think it has moved beyond that. I am calling the mediation/div attorney right now. She had already told me I could buy out her share of the house , we'll see if she sticks to that. I want to try the mediation route to save $ and to keep it friendly as possible. I still love her. I will let you know what happens. Thanks so much for your thoughts. This is killing me.

You're still clinging to the belief she really didn't cheat or have a boyfriend behind your back for a long time. A blind man could see this but you would rather live in denial rather than face the truth. You still love the woman you project her to be but she's shown you who she is. You just want to bury your head in the sand and not see it. You'll just keep yourself in your self imposed limbo. Better wake up!!!
You really need to wake up to where you are because if you don't you're going to get more of the same. Your life is what you are going to make it. No one is going to fix this except you. Get yourself out of the infidelity. You have nothing left here except some false memories you've conjured up in your own mind that hold you where you are.
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post #21 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:57 PM
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronald Lane View Post
I'm following the 180 plan. Today I went back to the gym, went and bought new guitar strings and found a music store right near my house which also has a cafe where they have live music and open mic nights. The guy who runs it is really cool i wound up talking to him for about an hour. Tonight I am going to a meeting and will go the gym and another meeting tomorrow. I realize I have been isolating pretty much for the last 7 months and I am not healthy.

Other than that, this is very heavy. I alternate between wanting to tell my wife how much a scumbag she is for destroying our family, and then I want to apologize for all the wrongs I have done, not being attentive, not helping out around the house as much, play too much video games etc. I was going through stuff and found some notes and letters my wife had written pointing out things she wanted me to do more of, things she had told me over the past few years that I kind of brushed off, did 1/2 assed or did for a while then stopped. I realize in many ways I took my W for granted and I feel very guilty and sad. I am trying to keep it together and I keep reading the 180 list over and over and so far have not contact W today. I might text tonight just to ask about the kids. I feel like my life is over and I feel so bad for the kids, I have been crying a lot today.

I have been reading a lot of other threads and one guy who was cheated on/lied to said for him there could never be R, because he would always be suspicious and could not live like that and that also it would not be fair to his W. That is where I think I am at. After all that has happened I don't think I will ever be able to fully R. I think my marriage is over no matter what happens w/180 and I'm trying to come to terms with it. Thaks for all your support.
No one is perfect. Your wife isn't perfect is she? Did you become a drunk or go out and get a girlfriend because of it?

Better wake up
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post #22 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 06:02 PM
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronald Lane View Post
I'm following the 180 plan. Today I went back to the gym, went and bought new guitar strings and found a music store right near my house which also has a cafe where they have live music and open mic nights. The guy who runs it is really cool i wound up talking to him for about an hour. Tonight I am going to a meeting and will go the gym and another meeting tomorrow. I realize I have been isolating pretty much for the last 7 months and I am not healthy.

Other than that, this is very heavy. I alternate between wanting to tell my wife how much a scumbag she is for destroying our family, and then I want to apologize for all the wrongs I have done, not being attentive, not helping out around the house as much, play too much video games etc. I was going through stuff and found some notes and letters my wife had written pointing out things she wanted me to do more of, things she had told me over the past few years that I kind of brushed off, did 1/2 assed or did for a while then stopped. I realize in many ways I took my W for granted and I feel very guilty and sad. I am trying to keep it together and I keep reading the 180 list over and over and so far have not contact W today. I might text tonight just to ask about the kids. I feel like my life is over and I feel so bad for the kids, I have been crying a lot today.

I have been reading a lot of other threads and one guy who was cheated on/lied to said for him there could never be R, because he would always be suspicious and could not live like that and that also it would not be fair to his W. That is where I think I am at. After all that has happened I don't think I will ever be able to fully R. I think my marriage is over no matter what happens w/180 and I'm trying to come to terms with it. Thaks for all your support.
I'm not sure what you think the goal of the 180 is. It's not to get anything to happen. The purpose of the 180 is to protect yourself emotionally so that you can pull away from your wife and heal. You will fall out of love with her and this will get a lot easier.

There are extenuating issues in your situation. Her alcohol and drug use are a huge problem. Sadly your children are stuck with her as their mother.

What are you going to do to protect your children?

If you want to know how the children are doing, why not call the children and not her? Or if you have to call her, just tell her that you want to talk to the children. Is there a computer in that home? Have your kids set up so you can skype them every day or so.
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post #23 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 07:13 PM
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

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I think you seems to be missing the big picture in all of this. It's not about when your wife will come home, or if she cheated with an ex boyfriend or a random man she met at AA or about the texts she has been sending to an exboyfriend all hours of the night.

What this is all about is that your children are in the primary custody of an alcoholic, who has admitted to doing cocaine and has or is on xanax.

When are you going to start worrying about the damage being done to your children, and stop worrying about a cheating, alcoholic, drug using woman who has left you and moved out. Take custody of your kids again, and write this woman off. I fear she may need a large wake up call to bring her back on the path she should be on. Maybe the wake up call of losing her husband and her children will work but until she cleans her act up, you need to put your children's safety first.

I hope this all works out for you, I grew up with an alcoholic and let me tell you the damage it has inflicted on me has created problems for me in my teenage years and adult years. I'm sure you have had similar problem given your upbringing with alcoholic parents. Don't repeat this cycle, break it for your kids sake.
I so agree with this. Write down everything that has happened with the drink and drugs and the drunk driving etc. The children will be far far better off with you as their main carer and from what you have said I cant see who would disagree.
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post #24 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 08:59 PM
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

You should have put in an emergency custody order in your state, you still can. The 180 is not important right now, your kids are, go file an emergency custody order. Oh and the longer you wait, the easier it is for her to file something wherever she is at. Trust me, courts do not like stepping on each others toes, regardless of a marriage or not. You do NOT want to be fighting her in two different courts.
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post #25 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

Believe me I have awoken. Clarity has been attained. Marriage is over. I am going to ask for full custody at the mediation. Lawyer/mediator said call him Monday which I will do and get an appointment ASAP. W has agreed to go. This is a no-fault divorce state so even if I was to prove adultery it would not matter to the proceedings. I will do no further spying, as directed by the 180 and for my own sanity.

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post #26 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:13 AM
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

Good luck man. I hope you get full custody of the kids. They deserve better and do do you.

Stay strong it's the only way you'll get through this. A HARD 180 is your best friend at this time. Get family, friends for support. They've probably already seen what you have woken up to.

A better life awaits you on the other side.
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post #27 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:36 AM
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

As a fellow AA member the alcohol and drugs is a huge issue...If she drives drunk or pills drugs etc....call the cops...for the sake of the kids...remember the steps...

Wish you the best...alcohol is evil...its ruined a lot of relationships...I crawled into the bottle but I was able to get out...not going back...make sure you stay strong...its tough...
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post #28 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 01:59 AM
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronald Lane View Post
Believe me I have awoken. Clarity has been attained. Marriage is over. I am going to ask for full custody at the mediation. Lawyer/mediator said call him Monday which I will do and get an appointment ASAP. W has agreed to go. This is a no-fault divorce state so even if I was to prove adultery it would not matter to the proceedings. I will do no further spying, as directed by the 180 and for my own sanity.
You can do the 180 and look out for your children. It’s a bit tricky because you will have to talk to your stbx about your children. But keep the talking to topic of business related to the children.

What I did was to say that I would only communicate about our son via email. (It was before we all used text all the time). So you could say via email and text. That way you can read it and decide what part of the text/email you want to reply to, if you want to reply at all, or if you want to take hours or days to reply. This prevents getting into pissy discussions. And it gives you a record that you can take to court if you need to.

Asking for 100% custody in mediation is not going to work unless your stbx agrees with that. In mediation you both of the agree with the outcome. You might be able to agree on a lot of things. But might need to go to out over child custody.
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post #29 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

Spoke to lawyer/mediator and made appointment for wednesday 1400 EST. He said if W doesn't agree to mediation I can retain him as lawyer. W agreed to go. Then she text me a few minutes ago says she doesn't think Wednesday is going to work. Wants to talk on Wednesday about making a mutual agreeing day and time. "in the future please consult with me before making appointments that require me there"

My response text: "I told you that I do not want to waste thousands of dollars that we and our kids will need, but if you are not there Wednesday at 1400 then I will file immediately"

W: That's a threat

I: See you Wednesday

That was about 10 minutes ago and no response. I must admit I was hoping for some different response from her like trying to reason, ask why, etc.... I guess this makes it easier though. This hurts but I am proceeding with plan. Does anybody have any feedback? Am I being too inflexible/harsh?

Also, should I tell her that the kids told me they would rather live with me than with her?

Last edited by Ronald Lane; 03-20-2017 at 02:05 PM. Reason: add something
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post #30 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:23 PM
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Re: Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv

no do not tell her what they kids have said, you do not want her trying to guilt them or try to bribe them for now.
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