Unwillngly separated wife took kids need adv
I apologize for the length of this post but I want to put as many details here because I really need help.
Have been married 9 yrs. W and I are both alcoholics, I am many years sober. We met 12y ago at a sober camping trip, dated, moved in and married. We agreed that it would be a sober relationship. I come from an abusive alcoholic home and I do not like drunk/drugged people in fact I have a visceral aversion to it. All was groovy for the first 3-4 years...
We moved to a different area due to my job and have 2 kids who are 5 and 8. Around 2010 my wife started drinking, and lying about it. I asked her to go back to AA which she did. She would put 5 or 6 months together and then I would catch her drunk again and she would deny. This happened several times. I also began going back to meetings @ her behest as she felt it could help me understand her better. She got heavily involved in AA, but still continued the sporadic drinking, and lying until confronted with hard evidence. I came to find out from a guy in her group that she had taken a 2-year coin, when she didn't even have 6 months to rub together. In addition, she had developed what i considered an inappropriate friendship ( I call it an EA, she denies) with another cat from her group. All of this took place around the same time, 3 years ago or so. I had threatened to leave a few times, once when I caught her driving drunk w/kids.
I told her I would not leave her b/c of drinking, but I cannot put up with the lying. I had a dark night of the soul about 2 years ago and I went into what I can only describe a jealous insanity, searched the entire house for evidence of infidelity as well as her computer and would try to see her phone often. I even read her AA 4th step inventory a big no-no but I was out of my mind. I did not find evidence of cheating but found many pills squirreled away in an old purse. I confronted her with all of this and of course she turned it around on me, how I violated her trust and safe space, I was controlling etc. I demanded NC with the AA guy which she said was unreasonable, so I backed off and let her talk to him which she immediately did (I monitored the cell phone bills) to the point that I said enough, no more contact with him. I also confronted him, and he said that he thought of her as a sister and had not romantic feelings for her. I talked to many other people who know both of them and they all said no way he would not do that and they never suspected anything btw them. I agreed to stop spying which I kept my word on for almost 1 year.
We were going to our (3rd) MC and I thought things were getting better. In July I congratulated her on a year of sobriety. I recently looked back at our texts from the summer and there was a lot of positivity, she saying she thinks we are in a good place, etc. We were set to go on vacation in August and I noticed her acting squirrely so I looked at her texts and there was one to this guy from the program "B" and she was asking him for Xanax (she had stopped taking it at my rq.) I didn't say anything so as to not ruin the vacation. The night before vacation I came upstairs 1230AM and she was gone, not outside smoking just simply gone. I text where u @ and she says down the street at "B"'s house he had a fight with his old lady and needs somebody to talk to. I says come home right now which she did. I told her that I saw the text about the Xanax and she denied it. She did admit to using cocaine for about a week in April, which was widely known among her AA friends but not to me. I asked why did you never tell me, I came and gave you flower and big congrats last month on a year clean/sober and you were lying AGAIN. We had a big fight and I was up until 3AM couldnt sleep.
Wake up 9:30 and she and the kids, and a lot of their stuff, is gone. call her, WTF? Says we are going on vacation. I says didn't you forget something? She said you told me the marriage was over so I go w/o you. I don't remember saying that but it is possible. Told her I didn't mean it. She says she needs a break from me, wants me to move out for 30d. I say no way. She said ok then I am moving to my parents. She never returned home from the vacation.
Here it is 7 months later and I cannot get straight answers from her. I have asked her to come home many times. She is not ready. We have done family events/Christmas together which is nice but I sense a kind of distance/coldness in her. She keeps saying how much she loves me but can't live together right now. Says things like she has spent so much time being a wife/mom that she lost herself; she has done so much for others that she has to take care of herself and find herself, find who she really is (isn't this what your 20s were for??)
Last month she invited me to come spend the weekend (in-laws in FL for winter). I go up there after work Friday and she is passed out, loaded to the gills, kids say oh mommy taking a nap. She got up for dinner, wound up having sex which I actually feel guilty about, and the next day I confronted her. She lied about it again until I told her I had found the booze. (it was hard liquor this time, she was normally a wino). She admitted it and I said you have to decide what you want. She basically said that she drank due to the stress of me coming and that she thinks that if she can't stay sober with me around then the relationship is not healthy, and we should call it quits. I agreed. I left that night with a heavy heart. I went home and packed up some of her stuff, mostly her family pictures etc and bagged it up as we were to meet at my mother's the next day for her birthday party.
She shows up at the party and I hand her the bag of stuff, and she asks why you giving me this? I says I cant look at this stuff anymore and you should have it. She says what are you talking about I need time. Me: we just agreed yesterday the marriage is over... She: I didn't mean it, I need time to think about things. I said ok (I don't want divorce).
She has been going to IC and we are scheduled to go together to the same therapist on the 28th where she is apparently planning to give me a list of conditions/requirements in order to get back together. She told me one of these is that I must accept that she is an alcoholic and will have relapses. I'm not sure if I can accept this, and I think she is setting herself (and me) up for the next drink.
I fluctuate between giving in on my positiion re: the drinking in order to save the family, or just calling it quits. My daughter told me last weekend she would rather live with me than mommy. I want my kids to have mommy and daddy together but I don't know if it is possible.