Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

thats my assessment of my wife. Once she has made up her mind. its done.

She is not waiting for citizenship, she is waiting for permanent residency.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Just going to be honest. Once they decide they don't love you, it's over. They're done.
I would divorce her if I had good sense.
But I don't, I'd drag it out and she'd get citizenship at my expense, and then divorce me.

You are likely going to do the same.

I wouldn't advise it, though


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post #17 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:31 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

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Originally Posted by need_help_to_recover View Post
I love her a lot. And would jump at a chance for reconciling. But its unto her, I am not willing to beg and plead. It wont help me.
She has to find a way to feel something for me. SO its out of my hands.

I am prone to getting depressed, so I am trying to move on with the assumption its over. btw I spent the last few months trying to get her to try out restoring the bond.

She says she can't. That she is too far gone.
Have you asked her about MC or have been to IC for yourself? I went to IC just because i really needed someone to talk to as bottling it up was eating me alive, we tried MC with one counselor and that lasted one session and then I found a New IC and we just finally went to a new MC last night which went somewhat OK and was actually her idea this time.

My wife told me the same and its been a roller coaster of ups and downs ever since which I am still riding, best advice is get a life and do a 180 which helps somewhat with your sanity even if you are 90% successful. Use your free time to get out make friends, go gym, have fun doing anything at all so you are not dwelling, maybe she will see the old you again and want to try again but your not doing it for that you do it so you are mentally OK and ready to move on.

here is link to 180 - https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #18 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

She is still the mother of my child. And I am very close to him. I will tolerate her being supported partially and have a chance at not forcing a battle for sole-custody , if she is deported.

But yes, I would like to think, that at some point in the future, we are at least not living under the same roof.
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post #19 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:33 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

So she wants to stay with you right now so that you can support her and get her citizenship, or at least stay in the country.


See a lawyer and find out how to make it so that she cannot take your child out of the country. Then tell her that you are willing to stay with her so that she can stay in the country, but only under the condition that she get a job. She has to work.

So what if she wants to be a SAHM. She also wants to not be married to you. Those are two incompatible goals.


When she said that she wants to stay for a couple more years, what does she say about things like having sex with you? Will you two have separate bedroom? How does she see this working?
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post #20 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

Amen my man... I am on that road... been very social and outgoing lately.
Been writing a blog about that journey too.. it gives me some hope and joy. And like you said, I am doing it, because I need it for my self.
I dont have hope that she will change her mind.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
Have you asked her about MC or have been to IC for yourself? I went to IC just because i really needed someone to talk to as bottling it up was eating me alive, we tried MC with one counselor and that lasted one session and then I found a New IC and we just finally went to a new MC last night which went somewhat OK and was actually her idea this time.

My wife told me the same and its been a roller coaster of ups and downs ever since which I am still riding, best advice is get a life and do a 180 which helps somewhat with your sanity even if you are 90% successful. Use your free time to get out make friends, go gym, have fun doing anything at all so you are not dwelling, maybe she will see the old you again and want to try again but your not doing it for that you do it so you are mentally OK and ready to move on.

here is link to 180 - https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
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post #21 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:37 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

Quote:
Originally Posted by need_help_to_recover View Post
Amen my man... I am on that road... been very social and outgoing lately.
Been writing a blog about that journey too.. it gives me some hope and joy. And like you said, I am doing it, because I need it for my self.
I dont have hope that she will change her mind.
Keep on TAM I will follow your progress. Sucks we are all here but hoping we make it though and end up in a better place.

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #22 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

Here is all of it.
If I divorce her now... We then go into a custody battle for our son. And If I lose, then I will rarely see him... I want to avoid that.
She has already found a job, and is planning to move out of the house.

We are separated living under the same roof. no intimacy, otherwise functional. We help each other out. Co-Parent.

Starting in a few weeks, I have asked her to keep her expenses separate. I will still pay for her groceries, as its common...

The way I see it, she is eligible for alimony, so I am not too put off by supporting. I see it a way to prolong the amount of time, my son sees lesser disruption in his life.


Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
So she wants to stay with you right now so that you can support her and get her citizenship, or at least stay in the country.


See a lawyer and find out how to make it so that she cannot take your child out of the country. Then tell her that you are willing to stay with her so that she can stay in the country, but only under the condition that she get a job. She has to work.

So what if she wants to be a SAHM. She also wants to not be married to you. Those are two incompatible goals.


When she said that she wants to stay for a couple more years, what does she say about things like having sex with you? Will you two have separate bedroom? How does she see this working?
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post #23 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

Check your phone bill
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post #24 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:08 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
That's what I said too. And the funny thing was that as I read it and thought back, my wife had been telling me all this the whole time, and I thought she was just trying to argue. We're men, we're idiots, we can't help it, lol
If we simply replace our mothers with our wives and simply try to put smiles on their faces, we're doomed.
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post #25 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:10 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

Quote:
Originally Posted by need_help_to_recover View Post
Amen my man... I am on that road... been very social and outgoing lately.
Been writing a blog about that journey too.. it gives me some hope and joy. And like you said, I am doing it, because I need it for my self.
I dont have hope that she will change her mind.
Good.

You've spent far too much time worrying about her reaction. You cannot control it. Nor should you want to.

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post #26 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:11 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

Quote:
Originally Posted by need_help_to_recover View Post
thats my assessment of my wife. Once she has made up her mind. its done.

She is not waiting for citizenship, she is waiting for permanent residency.
A word of caution my friend.

Feelings come and feelings go.

Work on you.

Who gives a rip about her?
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post #27 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:26 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

You ha e the right attitude toward her. I suggest you get a lawyer and start proceedings. Any debt she runs up--- half yours. If she's deported, all yours.
You shouldn't delay taking care of this. Delaying is a problem, in my opinion. You need to fight her if you have to now, otherwise she will just take your son with her, if she gets deported, I assume no alimony at that point?
Either way, you can start rebuilding your life.
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post #28 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:18 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

You've been married 9 years and she wants to delay the divorce until after your 10th anniversary. Do you live in California?

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Your marriage reminds me of a guy dragging a dead whale across the beach.
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post #29 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:12 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

Quote:
Originally Posted by need_help_to_recover View Post
I love her a lot. And would jump at a chance for reconciling. But its unto her, I am not willing to beg and plead. It wont help me.
She has to find a way to feel something for me. SO its out of my hands.

I am prone to getting depressed, so I am trying to move on with the assumption its over. btw I spent the last few months trying to get her to try out restoring the bond.

She says she can't. That she is too far gone.
The best way to leave the door open is to do the opposite of what you would do intuitively

1. Do the 180 on her, show that you have taken her at her word and you are moving on with life
2. See a lawyer to see your options
3. Tell everyone your wife wants to leave you because you tried to be the provider and she thinks you are too controlling - see how that looks
4. give your kid lots of love
5. do things for yourself, go to gym, get a new outfit, go out, look like you are enjoying life without her
6. see a doctor or therapist incase you head towards depression. You are young you can do this
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post #30 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 11:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

my son is a short term winner here... getting a lot of quality attention from me. In the long run, I don't know how it will turn out.
I don't think my wife has malicious intent. But I am naive about stuff like this. She has agreed to sign away rights to alimony past the first two years. I don't think she is angling for the 10th year. But yes, I could be wrong, I am in the process of putting together an agreement, so we can go through all of this, but I can have some peace of mind.

I have agreed to give her a big chunk of my assets... about 40%. But her giving up her rights for the alimony will balance it out. I do want to be reasonable with her...

Most people who hear about the situation don't find it easy to support her.

I am doing many things, but not yet "really digging" it... but at least I am committed to doing things that I know will make me happy one day.

And I am talking to a lot of people. friends, and a therapist, and you guys... and it all has helped SO MUCH!!



Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
The best way to leave the door open is to do the opposite of what you would do intuitively

1. Do the 180 on her, show that you have taken her at her word and you are moving on with life
2. See a lawyer to see your options
3. Tell everyone your wife wants to leave you because you tried to be the provider and she thinks you are too controlling - see how that looks
4. give your kid lots of love
5. do things for yourself, go to gym, get a new outfit, go out, look like you are enjoying life without her
6. see a doctor or therapist incase you head towards depression. You are young you can do this
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