Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

I am 34. Been married 9 years. Have a 5 year old boy. I am the sole bread winner.

A couple of months ago, she told me she is done with the marriage. I was shell shocked. She told me that there is nothing left in her heart for me.
Our last couple of years were somewhat conflict free, but now that I look back at it, it was because she had decided she was done. And would just go along, or not want to stir anything.


Wife was the love of my life. We were incompatible in many ways. Largely with money.

So what happened to us?
I believe I was too stressed going about providing for my family. My wife was unwilling to accept and help with the stress, because she saw my stress as a sign of "her being a burden".
Essentially, I could not handle the challenges, and it bled through to her. She felt un appreciated, and so did I.
She wanted more respect, and I needed her to do more to help me. This was the less palatable part of our dynamic for years.

Communication was always a challenge. My wife expected me to read the silent/ unsaid stuff. Body language , tacit expectations. I needed explicit conversations. All our "talks through issues" were stressful and tiresome for her. But I kept thinking we were working towards compromise and common -grounds.

I tried to provide well for her, but found myself, losing interest in everything in life. Withdrawing from friends... basically I became only one thing, a provider, and a father. I became boring and serious.

Now, I am shell shocked that she was working on leaving for years. And that there is nothing I can do to save my marriage.

I am trying to rebuild confidence, and self-esteem.

To further complicate things, My wife will stay married to me for a while ( year or two), because she needs a legal way to stay in the US. So I am supporting her still. And will do so for some time to come...

I need help with being able to move on. Learn to hope and be happy. I still love her, and thats going to make it really difficult...

Hoping some of you can help me.

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post #2 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:37 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

Why doesn't she get a job?
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post #3 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

It was her intention that she would be a SAHM. And this was very important to her. And this caused some conflict, for when things got tough for me, I wished that she would either spend less, or want to work to help.

It was my intention to support her wish to be a SAHM, it was more than I could mange.

Neither of those things happened, or happened with great friction, essentially that friction had destroyed our bond years ago. I just realized it now.

She is now started working 2 weeks ago, but with the intention of moving out and being independent, since she felt dis-respected in the marriage.

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Why doesn't she get a job?
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post #4 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:53 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

It will be difficult to move on if you choose to continue supporting her. It's easiest if there is minimal contact with her moving forward. You'll need your solitude to learn to enjoy your own company and figure out what little things/hobbies make you happy.

Eventually you can start dating but I can't imagine the complexities that may introduce since you are still legally married and things change (ex. she becomes a nutcase and uses it against you) before the future divorce. Never dealt with divorce but this just sounds messy.
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post #5 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:55 PM
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Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

So she used you for a paycheck and now is using you for citizenship.

Let's face it. In tough financial times a family pulls together. But she wanted stuff more than she cared about you?

If she wants out she can figure out another route to citizenship. She wants a divorce? Give it to her.
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post #6 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

I had this same issue, I didn't want her to because I worked a Commission Job which was already stressful enough.

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Originally Posted by need_help_to_recover View Post
It was her intention that she would be a SAHM. And this was very important to her. And this caused some conflict, for when things got tough for me, I wished that she would either spend less, or want to work to help.
I did 2 years supporting her and we managed fine financially but she felt like I didn't appreciate her, even though I was mostly fine providing I could work in from work and not instantly be nagged, even though she works full time she pays Zero bills still since 'we are not allowed to change anything during divorce'

[/QUOTE]It was my intention to support her wish to be a SAHM, it was more than I could mange. [/QUOTE]

I provided fine but at the cost of losing my identity, not having a social life and feeling like a uptight boring person, finally starting to get out of this though and was not all to do with Job more my own ability to allow myself time to relax and be me, I always felt guilt that i did not spend enough time with children or give my W enough free time which was a bad move overall I should have made more time for US both to have free time together.

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Originally Posted by need_help_to_recover View Post
I tried to provide well for her, but found myself, losing interest in everything in life. Withdrawing from friends... basically I became only one thing, a provider, and a father. I became boring and serious.
This takes a little while but really you just have to do it, easier said than done and I am not fully there yet myself but you just have to get out and do stuff, anything at all that interests you or gets you out the house and talking to people.

[/QUOTE]I am trying to rebuild confidence, and self-esteem.[/QUOTE]

Not really sure what to tell you on this, I am also from another country but became a citizen so do not have this issue, if she is likely to get deported and you have a child together I would strongly advice doing nothing until you have spoke with a Lawyer

[/QUOTE]To further complicate things, My wife will stay married to me for a while ( year or two), because she needs a legal way to stay in the US. So I am supporting her still. And will do so for some time to come...[/QUOTE]

This here is something I may have to do myself but not figured out best way, one coping mechanism I have used is think of a future without them and focus only on good things. I still love my W and we are in currently in a Divorce so not sure what the future holds on that part

[/QUOTE]I need help with being able to move on. Learn to hope and be happy. I still love her, and thats going to make it really difficult...[/QUOTE]

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #7 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

So she's using you for a paycheck and to stay in the country, and you're afraid that if you leave now she'll have to leave the country taking your child with her. That's a tough one. The question is, do you want a divorce or do you want to try and work things out? You said how you gave everything you had and in turn it turned you into basically an empty shell. The same thing happened to me. I spent so much time and effort worrying about my wife, family and our life together that I forgot about myself. I lost a lot of confidence from trying everything I could to "fix" things and getting depressed when I didn't see the results I wanted from the effort. Read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", a lot of it hit me pretty hard and hearing your story I think it will to you as well. Stop worrying about her and your marriage, focus on yourself and making yourself happy. That's what I have been doing and it has started to cause a positive change in our relationship.
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post #8 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

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Read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", a lot of it hit me pretty hard and hearing your story I .
I keep glancing through this and noticed a lot of it sounded like me also, crazy how accurate things are sometimes.

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post #9 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

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Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
I keep glancing through this and noticed a lot of it sounded like me also, crazy how accurate things are sometimes.
That's what I said too. And the funny thing was that as I read it and thought back, my wife had been telling me all this the whole time, and I thought she was just trying to argue. We're men, we're idiots, we can't help it, lol
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post #10 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

I'm not really following you on the "life got serious" as a source for your unhappiness. I mean, I went from having tons of friends and free time to devoting myself fully to my husband and children with very little time and energy leftover for over a decade. It's what we do as parents and spouses. Not to say you shouldn't have some interests, but there is research showing that to maintain a happy, healthy marriage (which apparently only 20% of us have), you need to spend at least 15 hours a week of quality time with your spouse. And, another 15 hours of quality time with the family. That's 30 hours/week on top of running a household, raising kids, holding a job....not a lot leftover for other things.

As for her help with finances, yes, I agree with you- if being a SAHM is important to her, she should find a way to work with you on a budget and stick to it. But I have to ask- do you stick to a budget? Have you tried sitting down with her and creating one? There are many resources for creating a budget on any income, it seems. I like Mr. Money Mustache- he talks about the ways his family manages to live on very little without feeling deprived. But you need to lead to get her on board- and coming at her with a "life is too serious, I'm only a father and provider" is not a great way to do that.

If you needed her help in contributing to the finances, did you factor in childcare when your child was younger? As an immigrant, she may only be able to work in low-paying jobs like domestic care, and they barely pay a living wage, let alone cover childcare costs.

I think you need to be more realistic in what you're asking of your wife and your expectations of fatherhood/marriage.

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post #11 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:32 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

Just going to be honest. Once they decide they don't love you, it's over. They're done.
I would divorce her if I had good sense.
But I don't, I'd drag it out and she'd get citizenship at my expense, and then divorce me.

You are likely going to do the same.

I wouldn't advise it, though
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post #12 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

@MovingForward Are we the same people ? HAHA! Very similar situations.
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post #13 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:19 PM
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

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Originally Posted by need_help_to_recover View Post
@MovingForward Are we the same people ? HAHA! Very similar situations.
yes it sucks I am still in the learning phase of all this but so many people hear offered so much support to help that i at least want to reach out and let you know I understand somewhat of you are going through and feeling. Honestly my head is a bag of rocks most of the time but keep reading here and responding to people and putting down your thoughts.

I don't know all the in's and out's with you and your wife but are you 100% sure it is over? I have a couple of thread going so have a read and see if any advice I was given will work for you.

Take care and feel free to reach out and if i can offer help I will.

M - 12
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post #14 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

She was happy with me. to spend time with me for many years.. We loved one another. I suppose what happened is that the financial control crushed the love out of her. Her ego was crushed, and she could not continue feeling the same way.. In my mind, I was not being harsh, just practical.

I lived a simple life and didn't really spend on myself, and I am black belt at budgeting. Unfortunately, teaching my wife how to budget and asking for accountability caused even more friction. She was just not into it. Couldn't care enough or maybe dyslexic with numbers... and always sheltered from it by parent.

I would keep insisting that we need to keep our expenses in line with what we made. But she saw that as controlling behavior.

"life is too serious, I'm only a father and provider" is not a great way to do that. "

This is all I did, And that is all on me.. .Thats a stupid way to go about it... and keep at it for many years.

Even when she was SAHM, she wanted our boy to go to day care part time, so she could have her sanity... So with her working the additional cost would not have been that much...

Anyways, we actually are financially doing a lot better, but it just cost me my marriage. What a tragic choice of priorities on my part.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I'm not really following you on the "life got serious" as a source for your unhappiness. I mean, I went from having tons of friends and free time to devoting myself fully to my husband and children with very little time and energy leftover for over a decade. It's what we do as parents and spouses. Not to say you shouldn't have some interests, but there is research showing that to maintain a happy, healthy marriage (which apparently only 20% of us have), you need to spend at least 15 hours a week of quality time with your spouse. And, another 15 hours of quality time with the family. That's 30 hours/week on top of running a household, raising kids, holding a job....not a lot leftover for other things.

As for her help with finances, yes, I agree with you- if being a SAHM is important to her, she should find a way to work with you on a budget and stick to it. But I have to ask- do you stick to a budget? Have you tried sitting down with her and creating one? There are many resources for creating a budget on any income, it seems. I like Mr. Money Mustache- he talks about the ways his family manages to live on very little without feeling deprived. But you need to lead to get her on board- and coming at her with a "life is too serious, I'm only a father and provider" is not a great way to do that.

If you needed her help in contributing to the finances, did you factor in childcare when your child was younger? As an immigrant, she may only be able to work in low-paying jobs like domestic care, and they barely pay a living wage, let alone cover childcare costs.

I think you need to be more realistic in what you're asking of your wife and your expectations of fatherhood/marriage.
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post #15 of 50 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is on the way out. Need all the help I can get.

I love her a lot. And would jump at a chance for reconciling. But its unto her, I am not willing to beg and plead. It wont help me.
She has to find a way to feel something for me. SO its out of my hands.

I am prone to getting depressed, so I am trying to move on with the assumption its over. btw I spent the last few months trying to get her to try out restoring the bond.

She says she can't. That she is too far gone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MovingForward View Post
yes it sucks I am still in the learning phase of all this but so many people hear offered so much support to help that i at least want to reach out and let you know I understand somewhat of you are going through and feeling. Honestly my head is a bag of rocks most of the time but keep reading here and responding to people and putting down your thoughts.

I don't know all the in's and out's with you and your wife but are you 100% sure it is over? I have a couple of thread going so have a read and see if any advice I was given will work for you.

Take care and feel free to reach out and if i can offer help I will.
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