husband says doesn't love me but he "cares", is that enough? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
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husband says doesn't love me but he "cares", is that enough?

Hello

we re a 33y/0.couple, no children, been married 7, toghether 8, about 6 months ago husband had breakdown and said he wasn't sure what he felt about me, that he wasn't sure if he loved me enough, all that was said in surprise , I didn't feel or seen that something was wrong, same week we went to two appt with a therapyst, he tried to conect us physically, at the time I felt it had work but a month later, husband started being distant, not saying love you or any romantic gesture. He went to his country a week on December because his dad died and he tough that's where everything came from, I expected after the trip he will come back better but he didn't
January these year my mom came to visit for a week and he was more distant you could see he wasn't happy coming home, and when saying hi to me , he would give me a kiss on the cheek but I felt it not honest at all. At that time sex was like once a week but a quickly, no kisses no passion, of course he hasn't been romantic , not even hand touching
After my mom left he said wanted to try another therapist, we each had a appt alone and then one together , I liked her , the conclusioN back then was we were going to try being friends again and reconnect again, he wanted to sleep on the couch, and also the agreement was to continue therapy
February everythIng continue the same, he bough pain for alcohol the exterior of the house which gave me hope ,but the situation continues same, we behave like roommates, no real emotional connection , no real important talk, 0 %,physical contact,
I started on January doing things for myself , exercise, trying to meet new people because truly I have been doing everything with him and I hadn't a strong personality bymyself which I is true and he said did t like about me.
I noticed he didn't go back to therapy
About two weeks ago I started realizing I m young, and deserve better, someone who cares about me, find me attractive, wants to kiss me, hug me, not everything is sex I know buts that's part of us human and to me that's marriage, I went back to the therapist last week, told her pretty much I would wait until July and if I see no change I would tell him to divorce
But this week I'm confused, don't know if to try a real separation (living In another place) before making the decision , don't know if Is a rush decision...
like how much to wait, Are about him but now I feel sad and upset that a son per my opinion he is not trying,,, he is a good guy in the sense no drugs or addictions, no partying, no abuse, he is good so I'm afraid to take the next step... what do you think
FYI he hasn't and is not cheated , thanks

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:33 PM
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Re: husband says doesn't love me but he "cares", is that enough?

There are some books that I think might help you.

"Divorce Busting"... pay special attention to the chapter on changing the environment... it talks about doing what the author calls a 180, basically changing your behavior. It is NOT the 180 linked to in my signature block below.

If he is willing to work on the marriage with you, get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" and get him to read them with you and do the work that they say to do.

Are you sure that he is not cheating?

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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:41 PM
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Re: husband says doesn't love me but he "cares", is that enough?

Unless you can change the dynamic, then no, it's not enough that he 'cares.' First, decide if he does change (and you change too), will it be enough? If so, then try - there is no guarantee of success. If not, then leave ASAP.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:12 PM
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Re: husband says doesn't love me but he "cares", is that enough?

Sounds like ILBINILWY, classic cheater's line. I'd investigate if there's someone else. All signs point to an affair.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: husband says doesn't love me but he "cares", is that enough?

Thank you for answer, I will look into those books now, no he is very Honest person, kind of speak his mind , besides he is always home or work, never goes out. I have asked him several times and according to him he says has something to do when his father died that changed him... but he doesn't know what is it/was
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:01 PM
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Re: husband says doesn't love me but he "cares", is that enough?

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Originally Posted by Peach121 View Post
Thank you for answer, I will look into those books now, no he is very Honest person, kind of speak his mind , besides he is always home or work, never goes out. I have asked him several times and according to him he says has something to do when his father died that changed him... but he doesn't know what is it/was
I'd sit down with him and talk about it. If he knows what event orchestrated the change, then with enough brain-storming, you may be able to find the cause.

I would second the book recommendations. If you have any trouble with conflict in your marriage, then I would add "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" to the list as well.

"The problem with unproductive people, is that they tend to be the most reproductive people." - Unknown

"If you can't kill then you will always be subject to those who can." - Ender Wiggin
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