Depressed and wanting to go back - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:32 PM Thread Starter
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Depressed and wanting to go back

I need a support system to keep me from crawling back to my wayward wife.

Long story short, I found out my wife had a physical affair, I tried to reconcile for 2 years and she did try in most ways to work with me. She definitely did not want to divorce but I could not get beyond the anger and I did not trust her at all. I was constantly checking up on her, calling her at work, having her send me pictures - it was a nightmare. The constant suspicion was worse than the constant anger. So 5 months ago, I left and filed for divorce.

I have girlfriend now that really likes me. I actually have more disposable income now than I've had since I married since I'm kind of old school and turned my paycheck over to my wife. I should be happy but I'm always depressed and I can't get over it. I want to call her and try again but I know it won't. The depression will be replaced by anger and suspicion.

Life sucks but it should be better now; it's not.

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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:28 PM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

Invest in some IC. Money will be better spent.
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:40 PM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

Think of it like this if OM's wife hadn't clued you in you'd still be getting his leftovers.

It's not as if she was honest and confessed. Then she only told you about what time period you knew. Which is probably the "tip of the iceberg".

You really want to go back to that? Seriously?
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:46 PM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

The other thing is once she found out about your girlfriend she dropped you like a hot potato.

Wasn't as much fun for her when the shoe was on the other foot was it?

You're probably dealing with some codependency issues and may not know it.

Like most your thoughts of who she was and who she actually is a wide margin.
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

@Marc878

Everything you are saying is true, especially the "tip of the iceberg" comment but I'm dealing more with the way I feel. I haven't bothered at all studying up on divorce, even though I'm an expert now on infidelity. I do know men have a harder time with divorce than women so I'm guessing she has moved on quickly. I haven't heard a single word from her for 3 months, including no contact with my daughters. My lawyer said it probably isn't a good idea to just go over there and knock on her door.

I don't know. Honestly, if I knew for a fact that she would still want to reconcile, I would contact her. If she were to contact me today and ask if we could try and work things out, I would agree.

IC is probably the next logical step.
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:35 AM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

You can only reconcile with the full truth. If not you'll end up where you've been for the last two years. In misery of wandering about the party you weren't invited to. Unless you want to try and rugsweep it and live in resentment for the rest of your life.

However, don't expect her to get over your girlfriend and give it another try. I'd bet she's not as forgiving and willing like you were. Funny how that works isn't it?

If she were I'd bet her boundaries would be for you to forget about her affair and just "get over it".

It takes awhile for your heart to sync up to what your minds been telling you.
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:39 AM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

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Originally Posted by Secondguessing View Post
@Marc878

Everything you are saying is true, especially the "tip of the iceberg" comment but I'm dealing more with the way I feel. I haven't bothered at all studying up on divorce, even though I'm an expert now on infidelity. I do know men have a harder time with divorce than women so I'm guessing she has moved on quickly. I haven't heard a single word from her for 3 months, including no contact with my daughters. My lawyer said it probably isn't a good idea to just go over there and knock on her door.

I don't know. Honestly, if I knew for a fact that she would still want to reconcile, I would contact her. If she were to contact me today and ask if we could try and work things out, I would agree.

IC is probably the next logical step.
She can't keep you from seeing your kids. That's your fault for letting that go.

Get some visitation set up yesterday!!!! I hope you don't get knocked for abandoning your kids. But it sounds like she may have a case against you on that. Your attorney should know this.
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:45 AM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

The other thing is rebounds can get you right back into a bad situation. You don't just jump into another relationship in a couple months.

You can't go back and undo what you've done now but you need to fix yourself for the future or you'll just ruin any other relationship. No woman is going to stand for an X or the memory of an X in her relationship with you long term.
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:46 AM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

At this time if you go crawling back to your X it will be life on her terms not yours.

You'd better wake up and understand where you are at this time.
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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 01:07 AM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

Who was her OM? Co worker, friend? It's not clear in your other post.

Sounds like she didn't want to deal with the aftermath of her affair. Shedding some tears and not wanting a divorce doesn't count for much. It takes two to R with her doing the heavy lifting.

I think you need to give this more time. You've only been out 5 months. You tried for two years.

Your wife apparently moved on quick and maybe back with her OM. I would inform the OMW I'd filed.

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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 02:13 AM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

Quote:
Originally Posted by Secondguessing View Post
@Marc878

Everything you are saying is true, especially the "tip of the iceberg" comment but I'm dealing more with the way I feel. I haven't bothered at all studying up on divorce, even though I'm an expert now on infidelity. I do know men have a harder time with divorce than women so I'm guessing she has moved on quickly. I haven't heard a single word from her for 3 months, including no contact with my daughters. My lawyer said it probably isn't a good idea to just go over there and knock on her door.

I don't know. Honestly, if I knew for a fact that she would still want to reconcile, I would contact her. If she were to contact me today and ask if we could try and work things out, I would agree.

IC is probably the next logical step.
How old are your daughters?
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 04:29 AM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

Why don' t you see your daughters?
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

Get a lawyer. Get to work on a parenting plan and file it with the court.

Don't waste any more time feeling sorry for yourself.
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:56 PM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

You KNOW you cant go back to that, it will not work any more than it did the first time. Its just a matter of digging deep inside yourself and finding strength.

Oh, and I would also suggest you break up with your poor girlfriend, you are not ready for a relationship and she doesnt deserve you being only half there.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:46 PM
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Re: Depressed and wanting to go back

OK, I will take a stab at it. I left my ex fiancee for cheating. I knew that I might forgive her but I would never forget her. I could not live knowing that I would be suspicious of her all the time and feel almost the same as if she was still cheating. Sooner or later she would resent my constant suspicions and accusations and cheat again. I decided to cut her loose and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It enabled me to meet my loyal and wonderful wife of 44 years. Plus my ex fiancee went on to cheat on her husband and is now married to a woman.

Love cannot be willed into or out of existence so it is very possible that you still love her. I got over that with a new girlfriend. Your depression can be due to other reasons like feeling you were not man enough for her, which is a common feeling. No matter what the cause you need to speak to your doctor. That is what I did and after putting me on medication my life has been much improved. I feel happy and unstressed most days. My wife loves me when I am being treated for my depression. Have no idea of why I feel depressed since I have a good job, was successful in my profession and a long and loving marriage. Nonetheless I would wake up not finding a reason to get out of bed. I was fatigued all the time and I obsessively though of negative things which kept me from sleeping. Now I have none of that so speak to your doctor. There is no shame in it as a large percentage of the population suffers from some sort of depression and whether you take pills or talk therapy, it will make a significant difference in your life. A Psychologist will do talk therapy while a Physciatrist will mostly just prescribe pills as your family doctor will do also at a much cheaper price.

Do something for your depression and the rest of your life will be better for it.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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