Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:37 AM Thread Starter
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Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

Hi -

I have been married for over 11 years, and we have been together for about 17 years. We do not have any children. We work together out of our house.

A couple of months ago my husband told me that he cares about me, but is not in love with me. That he views me as a business partner more than anything. During a heated argument in days following, he said he was done. He later apologized for that. But I think it might really be the case.

I can see how he feels this way for how things have been, but it still is breaking my heart. He doesn't know if it can change at this point, and he said he doesn't want to force feelings/actions that aren't naturally occurring.

Since then it has been awful and things feel even worse. I just moved out for a trial separation for a couple of months to give him time/space to figure out what he wants. I feel so alone, and hopeless. I don't see how his feelings will change about me without taking any kind of action. He did see a counsellor, and she advised that he needs to work on himself and see what makes him happy. But there doesn't seem to be anything specific he will be doing, and he doesn't believe in self help books, etc.

I haven't told any of my family (they live in another state), because I don't want them to worry for now, or judge should we end up working it out. I have a couple of friends who know, but they have families and busy lives, and I don't want to impose. I am terrible company at this time because my emotions get the best of me at times unexpectedly.

I just don't know what to do with myself...and I feel like I am just waiting for the final shoe to drop. Any advice on how to cope during this?

Thank you

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post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

He wants space to explore other women.

File for divorce, make the decision for him. He thinks he is going to run off and act single, while you sit and wait for him to come home. NOPE.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

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Originally Posted by JennyNYC View Post
I can see how he feels this way for how things have been
Please elaborate. How have things been. What are the underlying problems.
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post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:06 PM
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

I think he's not considering your feelings and neither are you. It's all wait and see how he feels. I think you file and force him to up the ante. This isn't just his decision, you have a say in this to.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

Wait for the response. Giving him space was a good thought. keep in touch with him but not so often. By this time you should also enjoy this space. Cheers!
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post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:38 AM
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

I am sorry but most of the time when a spouse says they care about you or love you, but are not IN love with you, it means they have met someone else. They are comparing their feelings for their husband or wife with the unrealistic and heady but finite feelings they are getting from an illicit affair.
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post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:55 AM
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post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

You need to get on for you, keep yourself busy, throw yourself into a hobby or a new activity, get out and about and take yourself away from the memory triggers. When possible switch your thoughts to yourself, your life, your wants, your wishes. Only when you feel strong within yourself should you take up time to address any conversation with him, don't await by the phone for his call, his message this will only make you jumpy every time it goes off and you will end up dreading the sound of it, trust me I know I have been there and done it.

You need to concentrate on you, I completely understand how it hurts and feels hopeless, have been there and felt that, but take it day by day and it will get better, that I can promise, and at some point, however it may turn out, you will be able to look back and think on yourself as a better person. When it is too much just vent, put it all out on here or with a friend or however it feels easier.

Take care.
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post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

Thank you for your replies.

I see some advice to file for divorce...I don't want a divorce. I want my marriage, and my husband to love me. Perhaps this will not be the case, but I agreed to this separation/time-out period and I will honor it. Part of what is so painful is that I know what I want, but I am powerless to do anything in this situation other than wait and see what he decides. Which makes me feel pretty pathetic as well.

I read through a lot of posts on the forum, and I see the trend of there being someone else. He does have a newer friend who is female, he swears it is just friendship. She lives with her boyfriend and has children, so I don't think that is something he would be pursuing, though I guess he could have a crush/be attracted to her. I know as I type this, I am going to get replies that I should wake up and that it is more than that...and yes it could be, I don't think so though. If anything, I think he is going through a mid life crisis (45), and is questioning his life. He has a cousin same age who recently divorced and is having fun, dating new people, etc.

I am definitely trying to stay busy. I workout regularly, and have been continuing that, and am trying to make plans with friends, join new social groups, try new things. Its tough because this is on my mind constantly and I am sleeping very little, which makes me even more zombie like. And I find myself wanting to avoid long time friends who know us both, as I don't want to tell them, and it is difficult to pretend all is fine.

I wish there was a switch I could flip to turn off certain feelings and thoughts! I guess I never gave it much thought before, but I cannot believe how incredibly painful this is.

Thanks for listening.
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post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

Jenny, I feel so sorry for you and hope you are doing alright. How is he behaving toward you now? Do you still have a lot of contact. If you do, you may want to shut it down completely, or at least to a bare minimum to only discuss finances and other necessities. He needs to know what life truly feels like without you. No contact would also help you prepare for the possibility of life without him. Its possible to get tied up in endless cycles of emotional manipulation and negotiations otherwise. So I say no contact for at least a couple of months and then ask him if he's made up his mind. If the answer is anything less than yes he wants to be married and work hard to improve things, file immediately.

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post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

Thanks mjsquatch. That is exactly what I have done, is to move out and have no contact. I just moved out this weekend, and it is supposed to be for 2 months. We do work for the same employer, so there is occasionally a need to discuss a mutual project via email. But that is being kept to a minimum, and only business.

He hasn't tried contacting me (other than those work emails). As I was preparing to move out, it was of course pretty tense. I was heartbroken and couldn't help crying a lot (can't control these tears lately!), and I just think he feels bad/guilty for the pain he sees me in. We don't have any animosity really because it isn't like there was a big horrible event (affair, abuse, etc.), except at times I get so angry because I feel he just doesn't want to try to make it work. I believe loving feelings can come back if the right effort is made. But you can't really argue with someone saying they are not in love with you...
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post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

What agreement do the two of you have regarding seeing others during this separation? If you have not set forth your expectations for that, he may see it as the chance to live the single life for a couple months and he will say it is not cheating. You might want to be sure it is stated that the separation does not include dating others if that is what you expect from him - that you are still married which means your vows still apply.
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post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

We talked before I left and both agreed no dating and no physical touch of any kind with others. He also told me he wouldn't have anyone (friends) over to our house.

I do think he wants to feel single though. I could see him going out with a friend or friends that include other women, that wouldn't be a date necessarily... I don't like it, but I can't prevent him from having any socialization. I just made myself laugh a little typing this, I think this is cheering me up!

Basically, I tried to get across the point that in case we want to make this work, please don't do anything that will cause more problems. If we don't stay together, you have your whole life to do whatever you want.
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post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

What is the plan of action for fixing the marriage if he does decide he wants to get back together?

What is your plan of action if he decides that he really is done?
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post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:59 PM
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Re: Just Separated and Feeling Hopeless

Quote:
Originally Posted by JennyNYC View Post
Basically, I tried to get across the point that in case we want to make this work, please don't do anything that will cause more problems. If we don't stay together, you have your whole life to do whatever you want.
OP keep in mind that neediness or weakness is not attractive. You do not want him to come back because he pities you or feels bad. You'll be right back to square one. Think carefully about your interaction with him during this separation. You said there were issues before he admitted that he views you as a business partner. What are you doing now to improve yourself and figure out how you contributed to these problems? You need to get across that you don't 'need' him, that you can be happy without him, that you're strong, you're valuable...
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