Cheating and Separation - need to know if I'm doing the right thing - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 28Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 01:16 PM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,472
Re: Cheating and Separation - need to know if I'm doing the right thing

Tit for tat, she did this he did that...

They are both screw-ups. They need to end it and do some growing up before they take those same bad coping behaviors into new relationships.

bandit.45 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 02:00 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,396
Re: Cheating and Separation - need to know if I'm doing the right thing

Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
YOu are not sad and pathetic, your husband has treated you very badly using your history (affair) against you but his activities are all very current.
He has shown you who he is, he is not to be trusted. He is a serial cheat and has probably got many other instances which you don't know of.

In response to him demanding space, I would quietly just go to a lawyer, and say you can have all the space you need, I will not be treated like this, nor will I be someones Plan B and send him the papers. Move on with your life. He wants to have his cake and eat it and obviously doesn't care that he hurts you. To mess around with someone who is staying in your house , leaving love aside it displays absolutely no respect for you. The marriage is over, I am sorry.
This. Given that the two of you were separated for only two weeks after your initial affair, and in that time period he slept with not one but two women in that time span, my spidey sense is tingling. I think it is very, VERY likely that he had already cheated on you before your affair. And it sounds like he took your affair and decided that it was a license for him to cheat, and to cheat flagrantly.

He doesn't want to be married to you. He's not going to come back. He's trying to be a "good guy" by saying that he still cares about you and that he'll say hi, but he doesn't love you and he doesn't care about you--it's just more lies. He obviously isn't staying in touch, if you haven't heard from him in a week. He's done with the marriage and he's done with you. I know that's hard to hear, but you need to accept the reality of your situation. You can't push him away any further, because he's already gone.

Sometimes the person we want the most in our life is the person we are best off without. Don't chase him or waste time wishing that you could get him back. The two of you are clearly bad for one another; it's a toxic relationship that feeds off of dysfunction. Whatever the two of you once had, it's broken beyond repair. You need to let it go.

There are 4 things that you need to do IMMEDIATELY:

1) Cease any and all contact with him.

2) Consult a lawyer immediately. You need to get ahead of him on this and protect yourself. The person who files first usually has the upper hand.

3) Based on your lawyer's recommendations, do whatever you need to so secure/protect your share of marital assets. If you don't already have one, open a bank account that's only in your name (AT A DIFFERENT BANK) and start putting your paycheck into it; take your name off or close any joint credit accounts, so he can't run up any additional debt in your name; if you have any joint checking/savings, you may want to take out your half before he has the chance to drain the accounts (check with a lawyer on this). You have no idea what he will do when you serve him with divorce papers.

4) Get yourself into individual counseling. You need help working through the emotional aftermath from a toxic relationship, and just as important, you clearly brought a lot of issues into the marriage. You say you mostly have gotten over them, but from reading your post, I'm not sure that you have. You need to focus on making yourself better and taking care of you.

Good luck. *Hugs*

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #18 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:38 PM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: Cheating and Separation - need to know if I'm doing the right thing

You said you cheated on him, and you didn't want to give it up but he persisted.

Why would you write that other than to be inflammatory?

It doesn't add anything to the story.
stixx is offline  
 
post #19 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:18 PM
Member
 
Bibi1031's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: texas
Posts: 1,807
Re: Cheating and Separation - need to know if I'm doing the right thing

Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
You said you cheated on him, and you didn't want to give it up but he persisted.

Why would you write that other than to be inflammatory?

It doesn't add anything to the story.
It helps us understand their co-dependent behaviors. They were two messed up people who married and created a very dysfunctional version of a marriage (great example of what a marriage shouldn't be though). It was doomed from the beginning.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Bibi1031 is offline  
post #20 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:21 PM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: Cheating and Separation - need to know if I'm doing the right thing

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
It helps us understand their co-dependent behaviors.
I think she wrote it so that we'd know she'd still be with the guy she cheated on him with if he hadn't persisted in getting her to break up the affair.

Now, why would she want us to know that she has no qualms about cheating on her husband and would still be cheating on him if it was up to her?
stixx is offline  
post #21 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:42 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,309
Re: Cheating and Separation - need to know if I'm doing the right thing

Best thing to do it end it and reassess. Neither one of you was ready to be married I think, it may be possible if you hadn't cheated he would have felt loyal enough not to but once you opened up Pandora's box I think he decided to act on his lesser tendencies.

All you can do is work on you.

One thing I find interesting from your post is this line

Quote:
I didn't want to give up my affair, but he persisted, and two weeks after moving out, we got back together.
That doesn't make you sound very remorseful. Makes it sound like you decided to sacrifice your affair to be with him. I wonder if he knows this and is resentful. Or even more so he vindictively is getting you back. This is one reason why I could never R, I am way to vindictive. What he is doing is abuse though and you should leave him.

As far as your feeling about your affair this is something you need to deal with because it's doesn't show clear remorse. You must understand that much of the sorrow you have felt all began with your cheating. You must fix what it is in you that started you down this path so you can have a better faithful relationship with someone else in the future.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-22-2017 at 07:49 PM.
sokillme is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
advice, cheating, depression, eating disorder, separation

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Separation Problems Haruhi130 Going Through Divorce or Separation 2 11-02-2016 01:53 PM
dazed ,confused, separation, love and divorce? Tyrant77 Going Through Divorce or Separation 3 09-12-2016 02:50 PM
Can Cheating lead to a better marriage? MAJDEATH Coping with Infidelity 189 09-05-2016 01:14 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome