Cheating and Separation - need to know if I'm doing the right thing
Sorry for the long post.
My husband and I have been married for 12 years this past February. This has been my only real relationship, as we got married the day I turned 21. I used to have lots of jealousy and anger issues, but with his help and support, have gotten pretty much over them.
I cheated on him once, around the 7th year. I didn't want to give up my affair, but he persisted, and two weeks after moving out, we got back together. He also hooked up with two girls during that time.
Last year in March, he went on what was supposed to be a work trip to New York, combined with a bit of space in the marriage (his grandfather had just died after a protracted illness, and he was having lots of trouble processing that grief. He also has anxiety issues). During the first two days, he wouldn't answer any of my calls, and the third day he called me in the middle of a full-blown panic attack to tell me he had been cheating on me with the friend of a friend, and the NY trip was to visit her, although he was staying at another apartment. He begged me to take him back, so I paid for a same-day ticket (I'm the breadwinner of the house, as he does freelance work). We worked through things, I thought, and were doing ok.
Last summer, a girl musician got in contact with him for some production work. She's from another country, pretty in a basic, emo way and quite young (24, whereas we're both 33), and I was naturally a bit jealous. I talked to him about it, and he assured me nothing was going on, and kept working with her, which could prove beneficial for his career, as she is somewhat famous in the indie circuit, due to having been in some popular bands. They planned that she should come and record her first solo album. In order to cut down her costs and get more work done, she was going to stay with us for the two weeks she had off from work, in February (right before me my birthday/our 12th wedding anniversary).
My husband had been increasingly distant for the past few months, saying that he had been repressing all the emotions from my cheating way back when, and from not being able to express his anger or resentment ever (since he was always dealing with my turbulent emotions). He said he felt like he was suddenly feeling angry at all those years, even though that's not the person I am today and he recognized my changes and the effort I've put into the marriage. Though he was acting similarly to when he had been cheating with the NY girl before (being secretive with his phone, coming to bed much later than me, texting all the time), I didn't snoop, because due to my previous jealous tendencies, I had promised never to do that again.
February came, the girl stayed with us, and we were in the middle of this crisis. About a week into her stay, we went out and I was hostile and angry, due to my jealousy and the tensions we were having as a couple. The next day there was a dance show I'd wanted to go to, but in the morning I told my husband to just take the girl, so as not to embarrass him the way I'd done the previous night. He took me up on the offer, which I had only made so that he'd ask me to go (I know, my bad), and left me crying hysterically in the house because he was going without me.
The next day, he opened Facebook on my computer and left it open. At this point, I was beyond not snooping, and I found a message he'd sent her about having made out the night before. I confronted him, we had a screaming/crying match in the car, and he promised nothing more happened and nothing more would. I confronted the girl, to keep everything out in the open, and told her I knew. She started to book a flight back, but I told her not to, as I thought it had been a sacrifice to even do this trip, and despite everything, I wanted my husband to do the record, for his career.
She stayed. Turns out they kept on at it. Predictably. We've had a rough couple of weeks after that, where (I found out last week via google photos) he was still texting with her on and off, although he says he's stopped that now.
I also found some emails he'd sent his best friend's sister (completely harmless, just links to articles and stuff), who he'd met in December, when they came for a visit. However, the emails had been deleted, and she won't accept my Facebook or Instagram requests. When I asked him if anything was going on with her, he said they were only friends. Why delete the emails, then? There weren't any pics of her or screenshots, though. Just of the musician girl.
Right now, he's in Texas (staying with said best friend, and where the sister lives), for 17 days, as a separation. I've been trying to work on things, but he doesn't even want to text me or call me during this time, saying: "I will not open myself up further. I want to close up and not deal with romance, relationship, etc. I want to be me. By myself. Not going up and down depending whether we're ok or whatever. I'll say hi every day, I can do that. I also care that you're okay. But I will block everything if I can't have my alone time". That was on Thursday. I haven't heard from him since or sent him anything, but I know he's active on social media.
I know I should just be strong and break up with him for good. That's what conventional wisdom and common sense would say to do. We've been very codependent in the past. I know I'm terrified of being alone, especially as I don't have many friends and was mostly integrated into his social group. I know that the long time we've been together and since we were so young, is also influencing my thinking. I think I still love him, though. Should I respect not talking at all? I don't want to push him away any further, although I don't really think that's even possible. I haven't told anybody this, as it's very embarrassing, to start with, and also because I still hold out the hope that he might come to his senses.
I also haven't been eating right, having relapsed into an ED I had pretty much under control, and working out twice a day, in the secret hope that when he comes back he'll be floored by how great I look.
Reading this all out makes me sound so pathetic. I'm just so sad and lonely.
What should I do? It's over, isn't it?
Last edited by miserymars; 03-20-2017 at 09:35 AM.