New baby and husband wants divorce - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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Sounds a little bit like my XH, who was a chef/bar manager (was a chef when we met, and while we were dating... six months before we married, he took a job as a bar manager, which was supposed to be temporary, but he was still doing that when we divorced 6 yrs later). When we met, I was waiting tables, and so we went out a lot, drank a lot, though he was always more social about it than I was. I wanted to have a drink or two, and then go home... he wanted to stay until the bar closed, and if he knew the bartender (and it seemed like he always knew the bartender) stay after hours and continue to drink.

I couldn't keep doing that when I got a regular (non-restaurant) 9-5 job and started going back to school... just like you couldn't keep doing that after you became pregnant and had a kid.

Relationships with people that work in that industry are HARD. Someone working in this industry has to work twice as hard to maintain a relationship. The hours aren't good for maintaining a relationship/marriage, and neither is the ready access to alcohol and drugs--not to mention the women who are always flirting to try to score free drinks. You say he wasn't cheating, or you didn't find anything... I think it's still a likely possibility, especially if he was staying out late or not coming home at all. (That's a huge freaking red flag right there! It wasn't unusual for my XH to pass out on the couch and not come to bed, and I would find him there in the morning... but he never NOT came home.) If it was someone who was a regular at his bar, they wouldn't need to text or call one another, because they just see one another at the bar.

I think there's a couple things going on here.

1) He wasn't prepared for how having a kid would change your relationship. Did he even want to have a child? Because he doesn't sound very invested in your daughter. He may even resent her a little bit because the dynamics have changed, because you can't hang out at the bar all the time anymore.

2) I think he's having an affair with someone from the bar. Either she doesn't know he's married, or she doesn't care. He's been spending nights there; when he came home for a week, it was probably because they had a fight. He's keeping you on the hook in case this other woman doesn't work out, so he has a place to sleep and keep his stuff.

3) I would be a little suspicious of substance abuse, given his line of work and his recent change in behavior towards you. It might explain such a big shift in behavior after you've been together for so long. Does he have any history of drug use or substance abuse?

You need to put a stop to this. Either he is in or he is out. Your home is not a way station or a storage locker for him to keep his stuff while he plays house elsewhere.
I don't think he has a substance abuse problem. He only drinks 2-3 a week. But when he does drink, it's all or nothing, especially if I'm anywhere need him.

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post #17 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:26 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

Some professions that put you in contact with a lot of women can lead to cheating, especially if they are drunk women. He is nice to you because he does not hate you, he just does not love you. If I had a dime for every couple that had a baby to fix a marriage, even if only one of them viewed it that way, I would almost be able to afford a cup of Starbucks' coffee. It is very common.

I have not slept in the same bedroom with my wife for most of our marriage. PSTD after Vietnam which had me attacking her in my sleep, loud snoring due to sleep apnea, then the noise of a CPAP machine running all night, running a business in Italy and Hong Kong which required phone calls and faxing when it was sleepy time in NYC, plus waking up my wife when I left for work at 6am, did not work well for sharing a bedroom. Plus I spent about 3-4 months of the year living in hotels so I was used to sleeping alone and so was my wife. People think that is horrible but we had regular sex. We just did not sleep together. It was kind of nice to lure her into my bedroom each night. Been doing that for 44 years with great success.

The problem with love is that it is a chemical reaction in your brain which is controlled genetically. Look at someone and try to will yourself to love them and you cannot. Try to stop loving someone who all of a sudden leaves you for whatever reason, and you cannot. We cannot will love into and out of existence so once lost, it is gone and no amount of counselling will change that. It can only teach you to live like good friends.

We also tend to project our feelings of love on others. We expect them to feel the same way as we do. That is not how it works most times. Love once lost, is usually lost for good. Nothing you can say or do to change that. I feel for you, but it is time to think about what is best for you and your baby. Sometimes it is having a baby which changes how a husband views his wife. Instead of seeing her as a lover, he sees her as a mother who devotes most of her attention to the child instead of him. Hope you find a happy life because we all deserve that.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #18 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:50 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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We have separate accounts.
The house is his, it was given to him as a gift from his father. It was given to him before we were married.
Did he or you make any payment on it or pay for major repairs while you were married?

It sounds like the 2 of you will not have much to split in a divorce. Child custody and support will most likely be the big topics.
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post #19 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:53 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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I don't think he has a substance abuse problem. He only drinks 2-3 a week. But when he does drink, it's all or nothing, especially if I'm anywhere need him.
Good. I only mention it because a) it is so prevalent in his industry, b) it's easier to hide this behavior in this industry, and c) if tips are part of his income, it's easy to hide the extra expense.

You've known him for 18 years; you know his behavior better than I do!

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post #20 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:05 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

It sounds like you grew up and grew responsible and he did not. It must be very disheartening to have a husband that doesn't show much care during your pregnancy.

At face value, without having his side I'd say he appears to not be husband or father material. He's not grown up yet.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #21 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:02 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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Yes I do have a job. Working 40+ a week.
He does help me financially by paying the daycare ($150/week) and formula and any other items our daughter needs.
This baby was planned and discussed, it took us over 7 months to get pregnant.
It may help you if you change your viewpoint.

Since he is your husband and the father he doesn't "help you out" by paying the daycare, formula and other items for your daughter.

All your money is joint money and everything to do with your daughter is just as much his responsibility as yours. You do not need to be grateful to him for any family expenses they are his obligation.
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post #22 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:59 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

The same goes for him doing things that are helping with the baby. She's his baby too. He has as much responsibility for the baby as you do.

If he is living with you, he is as responsible for things like housekeeping, cooking, shopping, etc as you are.

He is not helping you. He is doing what is he responsible for.
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post #23 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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Did he or you make any payment on it or pay for major repairs while you were married?

It sounds like the 2 of you will not have much to split in a divorce. Child custody and support will most likely be the big topics.
Neither one of us make payments on the house, it's paid for. Any major repairs, property tax or insurance was split 50/50.

We don't have much to split. I guess that's a good thing.
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post #24 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 08:06 AM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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It may help you if you change your viewpoint.

Since he is your husband and the father he doesn't "help you out" by paying the daycare, formula and other items for your daughter.

All your money is joint money and everything to do with your daughter is just as much his responsibility as yours. You do not need to be grateful to him for any family expenses they are his obligation.
Yes, but - they also seem to be splitting living expenses. If they split child support would be substantial - that doesn't mean while they are together and sharing all the other expenses he should be creating a 20% of gross income additional contribution all of a sudden. Good grief .

When a couple is not getting divorced they have expenses, then they have a child and there are additional expenses which one or both need to pay and that tends to be hard.
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post #25 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 08:31 AM
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Cool Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

He wants a divorce, does he?

Well oblige him and give it to him! Let him find out the excruciatingly hard way about paying both spousal and child support!



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post #26 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:27 AM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

Frankly he sounds quite immature. In my experience, immature men make lousy husbands and worse fathers.
Problematically, many of them do grow up, but generally far too late to have any relationship with their children. The ones I do know are essentially bit players in their childrens' lives. They were too freaked by real "adult" concerns during the pregnancy and/or slightly afterward, and bolted. Their kids were/are being raised by women who are forced to become stronger and second partners who take responsibility to heart.

I have one gentleman who undertook a horrible situation and made a family whole. He met and married a woman with two boys. One child is profoundly autistic, yet this gentleman (in the truest sense of the word) IS THE DAD. The "sperm-donor-dad" departed the scene years ago and has not been heard from since.
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post #27 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:57 AM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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Yes, but - they also seem to be splitting living expenses. If they split child support would be substantial - that doesn't mean while they are together and sharing all the other expenses he should be creating a 20% of gross income additional contribution all of a sudden. Good grief .

When a couple is not getting divorced they have expenses, then they have a child and there are additional expenses which one or both need to pay and that tends to be hard.
You missed the point. By saying that he is ‘helping her’ she is saying that the child care costs are her responsibly, and only her responsibly, so he’s being nice by “helping her”. He is not “helping her”. He’s filling his responsibility to take care of his own child.
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post #28 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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You missed the point. By saying that he is ‘helping her’ she is saying that the child care costs are her responsibly, and only her responsibly, so he’s being nice by “helping her”. He is not “helping her”. He’s filling his responsibility to take care of his own child.
YOU asked "Is he helping you financially?"

She answered "He does help me financially by paying the daycare ($150/week) and formula and any other items our daughter needs."

So who is missing what point?

Only the OP can answer whether or not he is a reluctant skin flint as she extracts all the daycare care cost and any other items needed out of him or maybe it is cheerfully provided.
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post #29 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 09:41 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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YOU asked "Is he helping you financially?"

She answered "He does help me financially by paying the daycare ($150/week) and formula and any other items our daughter needs."

So who is missing what point?

Only the OP can answer whether or not he is a reluctant skin flint as she extracts all the daycare care cost and any other items needed out of him or maybe it is cheerfully provided.
Yes, I did not word that well. But you objected to a post by someone who clarified that it was not him 'helping her'.
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post #30 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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My husband and I have been married two years. We’ve been together for almost 18 years. We recently had our first daughter.

My husband told me when I was 6 week post-partum that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. I asked him how long he felt like this and he said since May. Which I was 5 months pregnant with our daughter when he decides he’s no longer happy. We’ve had sex once since me giving birth, our daughter just turned 5 months old. There’s no hugging, kissing, touching, NOTHING. I noticed that he was stand-offish during my pregnancy, he didn’t seem too excited about feeling her kick or didn’t really care to go to the doctor with me. Didn’t really seem too excited when she was born. Then when we came home from the hospital, I pretty much did everything and he did nothing.
For clarity, was he on board for becoming a family of 3 or was he reluctant to change the status quo?

Had you been trying for a long time or was this an accident?

Had he expressed his feelings about having children to you in the 18 years?

Is he from a family that seems stable or has he had a troubled upbringing?

These are considerations that you should think about before choosing a direction.
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