New baby and husband wants divorce - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:16 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy New baby and husband wants divorce

My husband and I have been married two years. Weíve been together for almost 18 years. We recently had our first daughter.

My husband told me when I was 6 week post-partum that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. I asked him how long he felt like this and he said since May. Which I was 5 months pregnant with our daughter when he decides heís no longer happy. Weíve had sex once since me giving birth, our daughter just turned 5 months old. Thereís no hugging, kissing, touching, NOTHING. I noticed that he was stand-offish during my pregnancy, he didnít seem too excited about feeling her kick or didnít really care to go to the doctor with me. Didnít really seem too excited when she was born. Then when we came home from the hospital, I pretty much did everything and he did nothing.

He decided at the first of the year he no longer wants to sleep in the same bed as me and started sleeping on the couch. He runs a bar so his nights can be late. Before I got pregnant we partied all the time and I was always around him. I feel like he lost his best friend because I was willing to do anything with him. After I got pregnant I didnít hang out at the bar all the time, one I didnít think it was appropriate me being pregnant sitting at a bar and two I was tiredÖ.

More and more he was staying out late or not even coming home until the next day. I first I suspected cheating but I couldnít find anything on him and he told me he wasnít. Yes I know he can lie, but I donít see him cheatingÖ.. One day last month I decided I had enough of him and told him he needed to go, that I didnít want him there anymore. He left that day. But then comes to the house almost every day to shower, get clothes or something. Then on the weekends he sleeps on the couch. 2 weeks ago he came over Thursday night and slept and didnít leave again until Wednesday. Of course this weekend he was there Friday and Saturday and left late Sunday. We spent most of Sunday together and even had a huge family dinner.

Heís nice to me and we donít argue or fight. He now helps out with things like unloading the dishwasher and doing laundry, which he never did before. I almost feel like heís being nice out of guilt, but at the same time I feel confused because why are you being nice to me when you want a divorce?! Any advice

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post #2 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

You need to stop allowing him in the house! He wanted out, so let him GET OUT. File for divorce, and let him pay child support to you for the next 20 years. What a worthless ass! BUT... his behavior currently is ON YOU...YOU are allowing him to cake eat, doing as he pleases. I have no doubt there is at LEAST one other woman in his life.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #3 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

Do you have a job?

Is he helping you financially?


Yea, he probably did/does feel like he lost your party friend when you took your pregnancy seriously. You were sort of forced to since you were carrying the baby. He however had on restrictions and apparently was too self-centered to start changing his life for his child.

Was this baby planned?

It sounds like he might be having a change of heart and is slowly coming around. Iím not sure but him hanging around and helping you might mean that. You could give it a deadline, like maybe 3 months. If he does not come around in that time, then you know heís not going to.

An alternative way to handle this is for you to sit down with him and have a good talk, tell him that if heís going to be hanging around your home, he needs to be 100% into the marriage and family.

A lot of men feel like a 3rd wheel in pregnancy and after a baby is born because their wifeís attention turns to her condition and then to her baby. Iíve heard it described as she falls in love with the baby and so has no time for him. Did this happen with you? I think from what you said, it felt like that to him since you stopped being his party buddy. But did it go even further than that? Did you push him to the side?

If the two of you are going to stay married, your marriage needs to be completely re-negotiated. You cannot be his party buddy all the time. Nor can he be yours. You BOTH have a baby to raise. Iím sure that right now he sees the baby as your job to raise and heís the outsider.

There are some good books that might help you.

ďThe Proper Care and Feeding of HusbandsĒ


It is extremely important that your marriage be the center, and most important, relationship in your little family. Without the foundation of your marriage, it leaves you child in an unstable family. You baby will grow up and one day leave. If you are still married, you will be left with your husband. So, nurture your marriage first. Then the two of you nurture/care-for you baby.

Two other good books are ďLove BustersĒ and ďHis Needs, Her NeedsĒ. There are links below in my signature block. You can read both books. Then if he agrees to work on your marriage, as him to read them with you and do the work they say to do.
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post #4 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:35 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
You need to stop allowing him in the house! He wanted out, so let him GET OUT. File for divorce, and let him pay child support to you for the next 20 years. What a worthless ass! BUT... his behavior currently is ON YOU...YOU are allowing him to cake eat, doing as he pleases. I have no doubt there is at LEAST one other woman in his life.
While it might not seem like it, I also agree with the above. The difference is that I think that there is a small window of time where he might be ready to return to your marriage.

If you sense that he is not... then by all means do the above. Do not allow him to have you when he wants you and his own life as a single man the rest of the time. It is on you to set your boundaries and hold him to them.
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post #5 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

A married man is out at the bar, sometimes doesn't come home, doesn't want to be married and you don't think he's cheating?

I'd give his a$$ a swift kick out the door and tell him you're in the market for real man, not a 18 year old frat boy.
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post #6 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

Yes I do have a job. Working 40+ a week.
He does help me financially by paying the daycare ($150/week) and formula and any other items our daughter needs.
This baby was planned and discussed, it took us over 7 months to get pregnant.
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post #7 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

Do you know anything about divorce laws in your state? If you will share your state, I'll look up some things.

My bet is that he is not paying anything near what he should be paying in child support. You might also be entitled to some spousal support and/or alimony.

Now that it's clear that he is not paying his fair share of child support, you need to consider that he might be hanging around to keep you placated so that you do not file for divorce and he does not get stuck having to pay child support.

What percentage of your joint income do you earn?
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post #8 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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Do you know anything about divorce laws in your state? If you will share your state, I'll look up some things.

My bet is that he is not paying anything near what he should be paying in child support. You might also be entitled to some spousal support and/or alimony.

Now that it's clear that he is not paying his fair share of child support, you need to consider that he might be hanging around to keep you placated so that you do not file for divorce and he does not get stuck having to pay child support.

What percentage of your joint income do you earn?
I don't know anything about divorce laws. We live in Georgia.
Out income is close to 50/50 or maybe 60/40, with me being 60%
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post #9 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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I don't know anything about divorce laws. We live in Georgia.
Out income is close to 50/50 or maybe 60/40, with me being 60%
Here is a child support calculator for Georgia. It is a pretty simple one. Plug in your numbers and see what he should be giving you in child support.

For example, if a non-custodial parent were ordered to pay child support for one child, the support would range between 17% and 23% of the non-custodial parentís income. As a matter of practice, judges typically awarded 20% of the non-custodial parentís gross income for support.

Georgia Child Support Calculator - AllLaw.com
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post #10 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:28 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

Better yet, here is the state court's child support calculator page.

https://csconlinecalc.georgiacourts..../web/index.php

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post #11 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

some on divorce in Georgia.

Do the two of you have separate or joint bank accounts?

Do you own a home together? If so was it bought before or after you married?
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post #12 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

He's being nice because he feels guilty and he doesn't want you to get so mad at him that you hire a big ass attorney and take him to the cleaners.
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post #13 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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Originally Posted by broger5 View Post
Yes I do have a job. Working 40+ a week.
He does help me financially by paying the daycare ($150/week) and formula and any other items our daughter needs.
This baby was planned and discussed, it took us over 7 months to get pregnant.
Is this seriously ALL he contributes?? Pathetic.

I think he discovered he didnt want this parent stuff once it became reality. I also think he is out cheating. You dont need him... the child support you will get will cover what he is already. He probably wont even fight over custody.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #14 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

Sounds a little bit like my XH, who was a chef/bar manager (was a chef when we met, and while we were dating... six months before we married, he took a job as a bar manager, which was supposed to be temporary, but he was still doing that when we divorced 6 yrs later). When we met, I was waiting tables, and so we went out a lot, drank a lot, though he was always more social about it than I was. I wanted to have a drink or two, and then go home... he wanted to stay until the bar closed, and if he knew the bartender (and it seemed like he always knew the bartender) stay after hours and continue to drink.

I couldn't keep doing that when I got a regular (non-restaurant) 9-5 job and started going back to school... just like you couldn't keep doing that after you became pregnant and had a kid.

Relationships with people that work in that industry are HARD. Someone working in this industry has to work twice as hard to maintain a relationship. The hours aren't good for maintaining a relationship/marriage, and neither is the ready access to alcohol and drugs--not to mention the women who are always flirting to try to score free drinks. You say he wasn't cheating, or you didn't find anything... I think it's still a likely possibility, especially if he was staying out late or not coming home at all. (That's a huge freaking red flag right there! It wasn't unusual for my XH to pass out on the couch and not come to bed, and I would find him there in the morning... but he never NOT came home.) If it was someone who was a regular at his bar, they wouldn't need to text or call one another, because they just see one another at the bar.

I think there's a couple things going on here.

1) He wasn't prepared for how having a kid would change your relationship. Did he even want to have a child? Because he doesn't sound very invested in your daughter. He may even resent her a little bit because the dynamics have changed, because you can't hang out at the bar all the time anymore.

2) I think he's having an affair with someone from the bar. Either she doesn't know he's married, or she doesn't care. He's been spending nights there; when he came home for a week, it was probably because they had a fight. He's keeping you on the hook in case this other woman doesn't work out, so he has a place to sleep and keep his stuff.

3) I would be a little suspicious of substance abuse, given his line of work and his recent change in behavior towards you. It might explain such a big shift in behavior after you've been together for so long. Does he have any history of drug use or substance abuse?

You need to put a stop to this. Either he is in or he is out. Your home is not a way station or a storage locker for him to keep his stuff while he plays house elsewhere.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #15 of 31 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: New baby and husband wants divorce

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
some on divorce in Georgia.

Do the two of you have separate or joint bank accounts?

Do you own a home together? If so was it bought before or after you married?
We have separate accounts.
The house is his, it was given to him as a gift from his father. It was given to him before we were married.
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