She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:54 AM Thread Starter
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She why?

I've been separated for 3 months and just received a temporary custody order and awaiting a final trial and my ex got sole physical custody of our 2 young girls, 5 and 18 months. Since the day we split up and I moved out she has been keeping the girls from me whenever she gets angry or wants to upset me. In the beginning she would give me mixed signals about wanting to get back together only to shut me down when I tried.

Recently things have gotten worse. The weeks leading up to our conciliation hearing I made several attempts to discuss custody with her as we both wanted to avoid the courts and all the lawyer fees but she would sabotage the conversation by arguing. We would argue almost every time we spoke during the transition with dropping off and picking up the children.

Now that the temporary order is in place, and its in her favor, she refuses to talk with me at all about how to avoid trial and come to a better agreement. I have a feeling that she is trying to keep my involvement as little as possible. She wants me to see them every other weekend only. She has been holding the children away from me and extremely disrespectful and rude and at times manipulating.

Everyone I talk to clearly sees that she has issues and think she has developed a mental problem, including out therapist. Everyone tells me to move on, stop talking to her, don't let her get to me, etc.
I just can't. She broke up with me, has used my girls as weapons against me. Acted in such a horrible way towards me and even tried everything she could to make sure the courts granted me as little time with my girls as possible.

I still want to find a way to get back with her. For many reasons and I realize this is part of my problem. The thought of having to have my children part time forever scares me. Paying child support while trying to maintain my own household. The thought of her getting into another relationship and eventually living with another man who will be with my girls more than me because she gets more time is also more than I can bare at this time

I started seeing another woman but I am not interested. I cant stop wanting to get back with my ex and she doesn't want to and treats me horrible. Why I want her back and cant get over her I just cant figure out.

I definitely love her more than anyone I have ever been with but I cant understand how I can take this abuse and still want to be with her.

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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 01:48 AM
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Re: She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why?

Dad- I'm dealing with a very similar situation regarding a hostile wife using my kids as a weapon against me (see my post if you wish). I would first like to say that I completely understand the horrible pain you are going through. For me it has been the most traumatic event in my life. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

I also think I am dealing with a mental health issue in my ex. All I can say is don't worry about her future. If you are right about her, she probably won't find that fairy-tale replacement for you. My ex is completely falling apart and her problems are being exposed now that she doesn't have me to help cover for her anymore. For me it has happened quickly because my children are older and having difficulties themselves because of their crazy mother. The same will happen for you with time. Don't let yourself stay wrapped up in all the crazy thinking with her. Don't try to stay with her at all costs to your own sanity. It will harm your children much more than living separately from them. The last 8 of our 20 years were like this for me. Trust me, you don't want that.

My advice is to stay involved as you are now, and get as much custodial time as you can. Be the best dad you can during it. Happily pay any legal fees that help you stand up to her. You really don't want to be negotiating with her now. The courts generally want to give dads time with their kids. It will probably go better than you fear. Also, don't be afraid to start a new relationship and move on if it is what is best. If you and a new partner could provide a stable home, that will help your attempts to gain custody tremendously.

In short, play the long game here. The chances of reconciling with her are probably slim, but even if that were to occur, you would want it to be on your terms, after you've shown her some strength.
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 01:54 AM
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Re: She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why?

Document and get a good lawyer. The time for pining away for her is over. It's beyond time for you to get strong and fight for the well being of your children. You don't have time to miss her or feel sorry you got your kids to worry about. Fight!
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:03 AM
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Re: She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why?

Clearly, mediation isn't going to work. You need to secure a lawyer and take her to divorce court.

You'll be kicking yourself years from now for not defending your daughters more.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:10 AM
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Re: She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why?

Ask your lawyer to get a court ordered custody evaluation. And impress on your lawyer and the custody evaluators that the current arrangement is not ok with you. You want 50/50, or as close to that as possible. If need be, you can set up exchanges so that your daughters are dropped off and picked up at a 3rd party. That way the arguing stops.

On the topic of you wanting to get back with your wife, that can only happen if she wants to get back with you. And it sounds like she does not want that. So you need to face reality and move on with your life.

One of the best ways to start moving on is to interact with her from here on about per the 180 (see the link to the 180 in my signature block below. Communicate only via text and email. Never reply to anyone emotional. Only communicate about the business of sharing your children and caring for them.

Let your lawyer deal with her lawyer about custody and the divorce. Do not discuss these things with your stbx (soon to be ex).


And from here on out do things to take care of yourself.
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:10 AM Thread Starter
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Made every mistake possible when trying to reconsile

I separated from my ex three months ago and are in the process of literally fighting over custody of our two young daughters, 5 and 18 months. A temporary custody order has given her sole physical custody of them giving me on every other weekend and a few evening visits for a couple hours. Before this order we had been in total disagreement on how much time I should have. Being very much involved with our children since birth and not wanting to separate. I wanted equal parenting time, she wanted it all.

In the beginning she told me she still loved me and gave me mixed signals about getting back together. But things kept getting worse between us to the point where we argue almost every time we communicate. Since the day I moved out, she has been holding the girls from me, in the beginning she denied all access to them until I filed for custody, then I was given very little time, no sleepovers. The order is in, and I still got very little time, 4 overnights a month. This is just what she wants and I want to get more time with my girls but she wont discuss this with me.

I want to reconcile for many reasons. Fear of the future being a separated dad. Seeing my children a lot less than her. Surviving financially when paying her support. The thought of her bringing another man into the house and that man living with my girls more than I do, because she has more time. All these thoughts fill my mind almost all the time.

I have made every mistake you can in trying to reconcile. I wont list them, just know I have made them all. She doesn't talk to me about anything. She is very mean to me and disrespectful. All the signs are there that she hates me and has no interest in reconciling but yet I still want to.

I have started to date someone as in went on 2 dates and kissed once but I am not interested. At this point I don't know what to do, I am stuck. Everyone tells me to move on. She treats me poorly. I just cant seem to move on or make my heart move on.

I'd ask for advice but I have heard it all before and its all correct advice. How can I make myself move on when something inside of me is refusing to let me? Honestly, how can I fix this relationship and be a family again?
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:19 AM
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Re: She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why?

@mjsquatch

You have 3 threads, all on essentially the same topics. So I merged them all into this thread. You well get more input and better input with this one thread.

Only one thread per topic.

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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:23 AM
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Re: She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why?

Now to address why you still want to get back with her. You still love her. Thatís not unusual, even with your wife being abusive and treating you badly. It will take you time to heal from this. As you experienced, itís too early for you to date. You are not emotionally ready for that.

One of the best ways to start healing is to start interacting with her per the 180. It helps you get control over yourself emotionally.

Also do things that are good for you. Do you work out? If not, this is a good time to start. Get out with people.
What hobbies do you have? Get active in the things you like to do.

Do you have many friends? If so, what sort of things do you with them.

Do you have family nearby?
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why?

Thanks for the feedback. I am taking the steps needed with keeping a journal, documenting everything and asking my lawyer to seek the evaluation and am prepared to pay the legal fees. I already have a new house completely furnished with separate bedrooms for each child. I recently took a better paying job also.

I realize that this relationship is over and know what I need to do to move on. The problem I am having is that I just can't seem to do it. I was at a point where I felt good, was accepting of the situation and ready to move on, I thought. After losing the preliminary custody order, the temporary order, I have reverted back to wanting to find ways to develop a better relationship and co parent. I want to be friends and have her want to share our children's time more evenly. Although she has never wanted things to be equal, she wants to keep the girls all the time and even lied to the courts to get custody order in her favor. It is crazy, its so obvious but I refuse to believe it and I am making it worse every chance I get by continuing to try to talk to her, email and text her. I realize I am doing it, try to stop, and make the same mistake again.

Honestly, I think the fear of losing my children to every other weekend is my biggest concern. She has been able to keep the girls from me since we separated and I have not been able to stop her. Even filing for custody first, she was able to manipulate the courts and still got what she wants. So far, I have been powerless to stop her controlling how I see my children and that kills me.
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why?

sorry about the multiple threads, one was done in error.

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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why?

Friends and family I have and I have started spending time with them. I have been into fitness my whole life and I work out 4 or 5 times a week until recently. I was doing much better until three weeks ago when this first custody hearing was getting close. And since the hearing 3 days ago and how I lost anything close to 50/50 and she won exactly what she wanted and has my girls most of the time with no intension of giving it up. I have begun to feel helpless, angry and defeated. The mere fact that she doesn't support an equal parenting relationship kills me.

I see all the things that she has done to me, especially her trying to hard to limit my time with the girls to only every other weekend and not considering that my role as a parent is important. This view is also hurting my girls who need both parents in their lives and she is fighting me to stop me from equal time. I see all this and somehow I refuse to accept it and try to get back in her good graces like a whipped dog who is beaten by his owner but still comes cowering back looking for affection.

I have always been a confident man who has never had a problem with getting woman to respond to me. I just don't know what happened and why I can't accept the reality and do the right thing.
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 02:58 AM
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Re: She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why?

You need some professional help with your codependency.

You are wallowing in the victim mode.

Your wife isn't your biggest problem. You are.
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 05:21 AM
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Re: She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why?

Women always prevail early in the custody battles. The court will give them what they want by default until things can be sorted out later. That problem should get better over time if you fight. The courts want both parents involved with their children. Don't sit in fear of all her pronouncements about what she wants to see happen. Take all of the advice you've been given by others here and be confident. If you feel she has a mental health issue ask for a psychological evaluation as part of the case. Ask for full custody for yourself, even if it is more than you want. Play hardball. She is.

With the getting over the relationship part, you need to go no contact with her. Do everything through lawyers, and don't say anything more than a polite hello when you exchange the kids. You will stop the constant trauma of the toxic behavior and give yourself space to heal. You'll still miss her and the girls like crazy, but you're already at that point anyway. Eventually no contact will give you more power that you could ever imagine. She is used to easily manipulating your emotions. With no contact, that will stop, and it will frustrate her like nothing else you could imagine. This is another way you need to play the long game.
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:38 PM
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re: She why?

Why is it that the spouse who is being dumped usually says the other spouse has mental problems and paints such a picture that everyone starts to chime in with tentative diagnoses as to what particular personality disorder they might have?

She was perfectly fine all the years you were together and now she's suddenly all messed up.

She's probably not-although you can bet she's telling everyone she knows the same thing your're telling everyone you know. I mean I get it, we all want everyone on our side and we want our position validated but it won't do you any good.

The only course of action you have at this time is to accept that she's gone, she probably already has a new guy in mind who she's sure she likes a lot better (even if she's got herself fooled) and you need to put up the fight of your life because she's got all the ammo and you're already losing. You can expect the courts to keep the custody exactly where it is, and whatever you're already paying her as "temporary" support will become permanent so don't waste a lot of money because "you can't beat City Hall".

Get your mind off reconciliation, it's off the table because it's not what she wants so you're just spinning your wheels on that one.

Your time and effort is better spent elsewhere like being the best dad for your kids because in situations like this, they oftentimes get pulled completely out of your life, despite your best efforts.
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: She treats me horribly but i still want her back, why?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mjsquatch View Post
Women almost always prevail in the custody battles.
There, fixed that for you.
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