Separation...Need advice
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Separation...Need advice

Hi guys, I'm new and this is my first post, though I have lurked for awhile.

Weeks ago my husband sat down with me and said that he wanted to separate. We have been married 2 years, and we both really had no idea that marriage was work. When we dated everything came fairly easy for us. Being married we have both made a lot of mistakes (communication, not having a real partnership, etc.). My husband told me he was unhappy, he felt lost, and he had been trying to save our relationship for a long time by himself. He felt like we were headed for a divorce and he did not want that.

I was heartbroken, both that it had come to this, and because I had not seen that he was trying to work to save our marriage. It's been a few weeks now, and I'm working on trying to get my own place. It's becoming clear that he is unsure if we will get back together and that he wants to focus on himself. I had spent the past few weeks focusing on how to make our marriage stronger, how to communicate better and solve our marital problems. I want very badly to save our marriage, but I worry it may not work out.

How do you guys handle this? I keep trying so hard to keep myself together but I usually end up crying for hours. The hard part is that it really is hard to find hope. I try so hard, but I feel kind of abandoned. Looking at apartments and furniture, stuff that I so badly believed I would always do with my husband. I fear we are headed towards separate lives, and nothing will keep us together. I mean we love each other very much, but you need more than that. I mean we text and talk on the phone a lot, and we see each other once and awhile. It is just really so hard and painful. I'm trying to be understanding of him needing time and some space, I just always believed that married people were stronger together, and I had wanted to help him find himself, who he used to be. I want to fight for our marriage, but he says that he can't work on himself and work on our marriage at the same time.

Any advice is greatly appreciated, I feel so lost at times.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation...Need advice

Have you talked about marriage counseling? If you both love each other you should look for one you both agree on working with and agree to giving it time.

Best wishes to you both.
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Old 12-31-2011, 03:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation...Need advice

I have talked to him about marriage counseling. I think he hasn't ruled it out. I think he's just trying to focus on himself right now. I think that's the hard part, is it unrealistic of me to wish that he could work on himself and our marriage? It seems impossible for me to think of just putting our marriage on hold.
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Old 12-31-2011, 04:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation...Need advice

i know exactly how you feel, i am recently seperated as i treated my wife badly due to work stress and other things. she wants time apart so she can get her self together. In the mean time i am seeing a counsellor on my own so i can improve myself. As hard as it is your going to have to give him a little bit of space.

read some of the articles on this link i found them quiet helpful

Divorce Busting® - Relationship Advice - Marriage Problems Solutions

Also maybe you should try and see a marriage counsellor together. if money is an issue i know the church and some people do it for free.
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Old 12-31-2011, 06:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation...Need advice

thank you, I have been looking at that site. I feel like all I have been doing lately is reading and researching on marriage and separation. I try so hard to give him space. I feel so selfish at times, because I feel kind of abandoned. It is so hard to try to start a life without your spouse. I have looked at apts, and I found one I will probably get. I just feel like it's really giving up. I know I should work on improving myself, I'm just still at the point where it hurts too much.
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Old 12-31-2011, 10:13 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation...Need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by HB2428 View Post
Hi guys, I'm new and this is my first post, though I have lurked for awhile.

Weeks ago my husband sat down with me and said that he wanted to separate. We have been married 2 years, and we both really had no idea that marriage was work. When we dated everything came fairly easy for us. Being married we have both made a lot of mistakes (communication, not having a real partnership, etc.). My husband told me he was unhappy, he felt lost, and he had been trying to save our relationship for a long time by himself. He felt like we were headed for a divorce and he did not want that.

I was heartbroken, both that it had come to this, and because I had not seen that he was trying to work to save our marriage. It's been a few weeks now, and I'm working on trying to get my own place. It's becoming clear that he is unsure if we will get back together and that he wants to focus on himself. I had spent the past few weeks focusing on how to make our marriage stronger, how to communicate better and solve our marital problems. I want very badly to save our marriage, but I worry it may not work out.

How do you guys handle this? I keep trying so hard to keep myself together but I usually end up crying for hours. The hard part is that it really is hard to find hope. I try so hard, but I feel kind of abandoned. Looking at apartments and furniture, stuff that I so badly believed I would always do with my husband. I fear we are headed towards separate lives, and nothing will keep us together. I mean we love each other very much, but you need more than that. I mean we text and talk on the phone a lot, and we see each other once and awhile. It is just really so hard and painful. I'm trying to be understanding of him needing time and some space, I just always believed that married people were stronger together, and I had wanted to help him find himself, who he used to be. I want to fight for our marriage, but he says that he can't work on himself and work on our marriage at the same time.

Any advice is greatly appreciated, I feel so lost at times.
Only two years? You guys should still be in the honeymoon phase of things. Anytime I hear of "unhappy" there is either some unresolved issue that's been going on long term or there is an OW/OM in the background somewhere. I check for an OW before I'd bother with anything else, counseling won't work if a OM/OW is involved.
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Old 12-31-2011, 10:24 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation...Need advice

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Originally Posted by allthegoodnamesaregone View Post
Only two years? You guys should still be in the honeymoon phase of things. Anytime I hear of "unhappy" there is either some unresolved issue that's been going on long term or there is an OW/OM in the background somewhere. I check for an OW before I'd bother with anything else, counseling won't work if a OM/OW is involved.
I'm fairly certain there is no other woman, I still talk to him all the time and see him a few times a week. I am also guilty of driving my our apartment a few times to see what was going on. We had problems in our marriage for a long time, we just didn't know how to solve them. We never were able to get to the point of solving them because we kept getting so involved in them. It was like not being able to get yourself out of a hole and the more you talk the more you dig deeper.
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Old 01-01-2012, 02:28 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation...Need advice

its been 4 weeks since my seperation and its still hurts for me. if you guys do have a problem and dont know how to solve them you need to see a marriage counsellor, if you would like to improve yourself in the mean time you still need to see a counsellor on your own.

i have been seeing a counsellor on my own while my wife has asked me to give her space for a few weeks. my counsellor told me to look at this as an opportunity for self growth and improvement, yea you have your good days and bad days of feeling down but this is an opportunity to help yourself
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Old 01-01-2012, 03:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Separation...Need advice

thank you insomnia for your post, I have looked up IC for myself. I'm trying to think of this as a way to improve myself, even though it still hurts. I know I have some issue that it would help to discuss with someone. I have talked to my husband about marriage counseling, I believe he is still 'thinking about it."

Tomorrow since they are closed today I'm gonna get an apartment, even though I hate it. It's hard for me to see how a relationship can improve when two people don't live together and see each other. I just keep feeling like during our marriage we let so much time pass without working to resolve things and this might turn out the same way. This could be where time passes and then we stop and look and we live separate lives and a divorce makes sense. My husband told me he doesn't want a divorce.

I'm still trying to find some kind of peace in this. I'm trying so hard to not get angry, emotional, and hurt. I feel abandoned and now I have to kind of start a new life by myself. It's so hard to be married and not know what kind of relationship you have with the person you married. He isn't my husband now, we aren't really dating, we are just sort of on pause. I just wait and when he wants to get together I do it, and I don't ever initiate it, because he wanted space. When we are together, it's good though. He just keeps telling me things didn't get bad overnight, so they will take awhile to get better. I know this, I have been the one trying to improve things, without pushing too hard.
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