Obsessed with running away....
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Old 12-31-2011, 02:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Obsessed with running away....

I put up with a lot of stbxh's abusive B.S. for years knowing if I left him I would end up at my mother's house...after the ultimate split I waited in that house til the last possible day hoping that I would win the lottery and wouldn't have to move in with my mother. I have been here since mid October and I am seriously considering giving up custody to my ex and embracing homelessness, killing myself or crawling back to the ex and living in the OW's house and becoming the 'sister slave' those two perverts are looking for...

My mother is verbally/mentally abusive and is still holding huge bitter grudges over things that happened 55 years ago...and somehow manages to turn the abuse she suffered from her parents when she was 5.. against me....as though I had anything to do with anything 16 years before my birth. It is absolute insanity and it's 100 times worse when she drinks which is often...when I try to explain that her parents were abusive...she gets offended, tells me that's just how it was and she 'handled it' because she had a 'backbone' unlike me ...I have gone from running defense between the ex and the kids to running defense between my children and their grandmother..cause she isn't so mindful of the 'loving grandma' facade..now that we are here for more than just visits. At least now I understand why both my brother and I in the middle of divorces from abusive individuals....it's what we know...what we grew up with.

I am applying for every job posting that I am qualified for....after every interview she picks apart the opportunity...if I ever so get a job offer I am screwed because my mother currently controls my transportation options until I can get the ex on front of a judge to pay support or give me back a vehicle(he totaled mine after taking it away)....as it is now one job will force me to sign physical custody over to the ex if I get it due to the hours and my limited child care options and I am seriously considering it to get them and myself out of this house.

My mother's husband confessed that he hides from her on a daily basis..

I just don't know what else to do anymore...she goes back to work Monday night so she'll be back to sleeping days for a week before her next week off..maybe my head will clear by then....from almost 40 y/o back to 14 y/o overnight...
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Old 12-31-2011, 02:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with running away....

You need to learn to ignore any mental abuse any of your relatives give you, real or imagined, and instead concentrate on your real problems and their solutions.

Even without transport there should still be alternatives (buses, share-a- ride, etc) for getting to employment or a school where you may improve your education and qualifications. Don’t let anyone disparage your efforts or criticize your ability. Before I worry about what someone “thinks” (of me) I always ask myself the question, “Can this person actually think in the first place?“ If the answer is no, then I am certainly not going to worry about what they “think” of me or my efforts!

As you “get on your feet” and start to save a little money, you will become able to afford a divorce attorney and, at this point, will be taken more seriously by your husband and everyone else involved. While I would try to avoid divorce if at all possible, being financially independent should allow you this option if there is no other. You may be able to get custody and some assets from your husband, if you can prove that they are properly yours and that he has misbehaved, and thereby necessitated the divorce. None of this will have to be proven if he will grant you an “agreed“ divorce. You should be able to then live happily with your children.


Good Luck

Galt

Last edited by Galt; 12-31-2011 at 03:00 PM.
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Old 12-31-2011, 03:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with running away....

There are online forums that deal specifically with abuse and I encourage you to seek them out. If you PM me I'll direct you toward one that has helped me a great deal with my struggles regarding emotional abuse. Divorce/separation/dissolution of your family is very difficult; when you throw abuse into the mix it's nearly unbearable. I know. I understand.

Don't give up just yet; stay strong. There is help out there, and resources, although ultimately it's a journey you have to take on your own.
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Old 12-31-2011, 03:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with running away....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Galt View Post
You need to learn to ignore any mental abuse any of your relatives give you, real or imagined, and instead concentrate on your real problems and their solutions.

Even without transport there should still be alternatives (buses, share-a- ride, etc) for getting to employment or a school where you may improve your education and qualifications. Don’t let anyone disparage your efforts or criticize your ability. Before I worry about what someone “thinks” (of me) I always ask myself the question, “Can this person actually think in the first place?“ If the answer is no, then I am certainly not going to worry about what they “think” of me or my efforts!

As you “get on your feet” and start to save a little money, you will become able to afford a divorce attorney and, at this point, will be taken more seriously by your husband and everyone else involved. While I would try to avoid divorce if at all possible, being financially independent should allow you this option if there is no other. You may be able to get custody and some assets from your husband, if you can prove that they are properly yours and that he has misbehaved, and thereby necessitated the divorce. None of this will have to be proven if he will grant you an “agreed“ divorce. You should be able to then live happily with your children.


Good Luck

Galt
Oh I have legal aid...they are just slow and the courts are backed up for months. I am literally in the middle of nowhere... orange groves and cow fields...no buses, no nothing, I apply for any and all jobs and hope that I will transportation will pan itself out if I am offered the position...even if I have to borrow money to buy a used bicycle to get back and forth to work. I enrolled for classes but got road blocked on financial aid since he refuses to complete his 2010 tax return because he is afraid of what child support on 150k+ will look like and has been sitting on his ass since we split hoping to look 'poor' in court...FAFSA won't let me continue w/o the ex's tax return have to wait until the Fall.




Just in a corner feeling frustrated...
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Old 12-31-2011, 06:23 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with running away....

Wow, telling someone living in an abusive situation to "ignore the abuse" and to "concentrate on the real problems" instead - nice.

Do you tell that to victims of sexual abuse too, Galt?
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Old 12-31-2011, 10:13 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with running away....

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Originally Posted by mommy22 View Post
Do you have any friends you could move in with temporarily?

No I have been pretty much isolated from friends and family(with the exception of my mother-but he was constantly trying to cut off contact with her citing her abuse) for 9 years..any friends I thought I had were through him and approved by him and are currently standing behind him(and OW) or staying out of it.I have out of state cross country options(relatives and another of his victims that reached out to me after the split)..but I won't leave my kids behind or risk losing custody by taking them with me.

I am calmed down now...I dropped the kids off today and they didn't get out of the car fast enough, giving the ex a chance to run across the yard and talk to me(thanked me for dropping off the kids-15 times- putting on a big show for all the people he had sitting in the front yard...which is his new thing..making sure he has a BIG audience for drop offs and showing how happy and friendly he is toward me...Dad of the year vs. b!tch, ice queen wife) I was still reeling from the anxiety from that when my mother laid into me as soon as I walked in through the door...blaming me because my brother can't afford child support AND pay his rent...along with a 45 minute lecture about how passive, soft and sensitive my brother and I are compared to her.. who had good sense beat into her daily by her parents and is better off for it.


Right now I am just going to fantasize about living in an RV full time...where I can just pick up and go whenever I want...
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Old 01-09-2012, 09:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with running away....

Keep on reaching for support via TAM, phone calls to supportive friends and relatives, etc. Know that this is temporary...just as you life was different last year it will be different a year from now.

Don't give up. Keep applying for those jobs and do the best that you can.
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Old 01-09-2012, 09:49 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Obsessed with running away....

Wherever you are, there should be a housing authority within your area. Housing authorities offer subsidized housing for low to no income families. Find the one in your area online or in a phone book. Call them and ask them to send you an application packet which you will need to fill up and send back. Housing authority dwellings are inspected to live up to HQS standards, so they are clean, and they also prevent people with serious criminal background to apply due to the safety of the children. They charge 30% of your income. If your income is 0, then 30% of 0 is 0. you will not have to pay rent for as long as you have no income, but you will have to report it whenever your income changes so they can adjust it. Housing authorities vary from state to state, but more often than not, all utilities are included. If not, there are utility assistance programs for Gas such as Liheap etc. You can apply for food stamps and cash assistance if you have minor children at the welfare office. I normally do not encourage this way of life, but it looks like you need all the assistance you can get in your situation. This assistance is just meant to tide you over until you are able to sustain yourself in the future.
Get out of abusive relationships, whether relatives or spouse. There are a lot of programs out there which can help you, go to a local community action agency, caseworkers are trained to refer you to the proper resources.
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