Foced to Separation/ Abandonment - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 03:18 AM Thread Starter
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Foced to Separation/ Abandonment

Hi Everyone,
I was married for 9 years and have 2 kids 6 years and 2 years old now.
My husband left home one day when me and my elder daughter were at work and school respectively. Its going to be 9 months now since he left home.
We had a dated for 3 years before getting married. Ours was a normal average relationship. We had 2 kids, did frequent vacations and everything was normal. My husband had this very "bachelor-like" lifestyle right from the beginning of our marriage
When it was just the 2 of us too, he used to go out with friends, drink and come home really late in night without even informing me abt his whereabouts. after we had our first daughter, he used to say, i am going to change , be more of a family guy. But again he went back to his late nights , frequent partying, which was 3- 4 days a week. i used to even wonder whether his work would get affected. He used to do a lot of work from home if he were not able to wake up the next day.
He used to justify that during weekends he is spending his time with family, taking the family for dining out and vacations, paying the bills etc , so, his weekday activities should not be questioned.
I too adjusted a lot but even i was working and with a toddler at home, when the husband upsets the routine and the equilibrium of the household, the entire environment of the house used to get upset. He used to justify everything he used to do. even if comes back after partying the next day morning, he just used to shut down and not answer where he was , with whom. He just used to say, so what i am doing all my duties. If i asked for any help with the toddler, he used to say, why should i help when the mother is around, grandmother is around and a helper is around. My mother used to visit once in a while for a few weeks. We live in singapore and We had a helper as i was working too.
Then my second daughter came along and his lifestyle choices did not change. He went on to another level where he wanted me too to socialize more often with him. go for parties. But i had 2 young kids. One was not even 1 year old at that time. He used to buy me new clothes, shoes and used to compare me with other women he used to meet and criticize me that i do not want to mingle socially and groom myself and i am not letting him have a life. He blamed me for not seeing the effort he was taking to "improve" me personally. Meanwhile he did not see that i was a working mom , juggling work with long travel time, a small baby, a young kid . he did not even change 1 single diaper for the baby. And kept on talking for hours about how it is important to be equal in a relationship. He used to criticize me for the kids not behaving well, without putting any effort to fix whatever was wrong. This continues for almost one year after our second baby was born. then his parents also started interfering saying this is not acceptable and he has to mend his ways for the sake of the young kids. That enraged him even more. He started blaming me for involving his parents, when i was forced to seek help when nothing i said or did would make him change his lifestyle.

Then one day after we had a fallout again for reasons like, he staying out partying overnight, he took me out for having a talk and he told me that he wanted to prove that i was the devil in the relationship. He wanted to live a life with another person and prove that he can do so because he is so caring and loving and he wanted me too to find someone and live with that person and he said he was so sure that i will not be able to sustain that relationship too. He said very mean and rude things and after that talk, he completely shut down. He continued staying out of house, drinking etc etc and whenever i tried to talk, he just said that he is not interested in fixing anything anymore and walk out. I was so devastated with this behavior. I was confused as on why is t that he is not even trying to give it a try. He started browsing dating sites right in front of me. One day my baby fell down while playing right in front of him and when i saw what he was busy on phone with, he was busy swiping on tinder. It made me really furious and i screamed and shouted, but he made it all as if it is nothing wrong. He is not interested in making things work with me and he was openly challenging me that he will live happier with someone else. He started saying that soon he will move out. Then he started abusing me physically now and then. That was very unusual of him . I let him be after he beat me for a few times. Then one day he came home in the middle of night and seeing me awake waiting for him enraged him . my baby was not well and she woke up too hearing some sound. i was carrying her while trying to have a conversation with him. He jumped out of the bed raging towards me and hit me very badly hurting my 18 month old baby too. that was the time when i put a break on everything i had gone through in the previous few months. i called the cops to report domestic abuse. He took that as the last straw on the camel's back and within 2-3 days , found a rental place and moved out. Since then no contact for almost 4 months. he did not try to meet the kids, talk to the kids. My elder daughter who was 5 years at that time was confused on where daddy went one fine day even without saying bye to her.
He cut off his contacts with his parents, friends , relatives and anyone who wanted to have a conversation about this. He made his own friends circle and started enjoying his newly acquired bachelor life. After 4 months of almost no contacts, sparing a few emails where he would again verbally abuse me, he agreed to meet me one day to have a conversation. i had by then calmed down and wanted it all to give a second try. we met and had a very normal conversation. He started saying that this whole issue is not because of me it is him . he needs to figure out a few things. Set his priorities. he said he behaved that way because he had a traumatized childhood and his father had set a wrong example on how to treat a woman. I again fell for his emotional drama and talked in lengths with his mother and close relatives to find whether he really had any trauma in his childhood and everyone came back saying not only did he not have any trauma, he had a too lavish and relaxed life. He was the only child and the parents gave him all freedom and facilities even before he asked for anything. I was shocked to see how he wanted to find someone to blame . After me, now he was targeting his parents. He was very rude to his parents too after he moved out. His parents too were devastated. He would have this mood swing s where one day he would send me an email saying the kids are lucky they have a mother like me who can manage and look after them even if he is not around. The next day he would send an email saying i am a horrible person and its very unfortunate that the kids are stuck with me. I had not restricted him from meeting the kids or even calling them. But he did not take any initiative to check on them. One day he would say that my kids are super smart and sensitive and they would look after themselves. He is making such a statement about a 6 year and a 2 year old girls. Its going to be 9 months now since he moved out. I found out that a few weeks after he moved out he had started meeting girls and was in a dating mode, When he met me in person after the 4 months gap, he said he wanted to fall in love again and start his life afresh, so he wants divorce. I had asked him to have a conversation about it, make some arrangements, both financial and emotional for the kids to be stable and normal. He said he was turning 35 in a couple of weeks and he started to start his life part 2 from that milestone. He was not bothered about how i , the kids or his parents were going through a tough emotional time. All he was bothered was how he wanted to start life afresh. He even said statements like i want to disown the kids and disappear to another part of world and start afresh. It all made me feel he was loosing his mental balance and was getting very irrational. This made me very sympathetic towards him and i kept telling him that i wanted to give us a second chance , do everything in a different manner. He started verbally abusing me for even suggesting that. I thought being in touch with the kids on a regular basis would get him to a warmer side of the situation. He kept slipping off and making any commitment. Meanwhile he lost his job and was at his rental home, all alone, no family, not many friends, no job and no clarity of what he wants. I was in a very sympathetic mode and wanted to help him in every possible way. He had not given any child support or any maintenance money, he just kept paying for the rental of where me and the kids were staying. I too could not maintain the whole family expense with just my salary. He sold off the family car.
Recently i found out from his other friends that he told them that within a couple of months of moving out, he fell in "Love" with a much younger girl and was very much emotionally attached. And since he had to break up with the new girlfriend he was very much in emotional distress and that was the reason he could not focus and find a job after he lost his previous one. When i came to know about that too, i was broken all over again. Here i was sympathizing with him thinking even though he said mean things to me , deep down he is effected by this separation that is why his life was falling apart. But he claimed it was the break up with his girlfriend which effected him so much. I did not know what to think now. I still wanted him to come back and give all this a second chance at least for the sake of the kids. he recently told me that he is going foe a boys only trip to find himself and will contact me after that. This is a couple of days after he said that he had no money to pay for the family insurance premiums. Where did he get the money for a boys trip. And how would you find yourself on a boys only trip. I ended up sending him some money for the insurance premiums and a few other unpaid bills. I am confused. Am i being taken for a ride. Is he making use of my soft corner for him Or is he really going through some confusions about life/Lifestyle.

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:38 AM
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Cool Re: Foced to Separation/ Abandonment

IMHO, you are being taken to the cleaners by him in the support of his obvious sordid lifestyle!

You are, in effect, his Plan B, with his chosen lifestyle being his "Plan A!"

Time for you to woman up, and to visit a good "piranha" family law attorney and have them assess both your legal custodial and property rights!

Also see your MD so that you can be quickly checked out for the presence of any latent STD's!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you have come to the foremost place in the world for solid help and advice!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:44 AM
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Re: Foced to Separation/ Abandonment

I quoted the OP and broke it into paragraphs so I could read it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by samantha1 View Post
Hi Everyone,

I was married for 9 years and have 2 kids 6 years and 2 years old now.
My husband left home one day when me and my elder daughter were at work and school respectively. Its going to be 9 months now since he left home.

We had a dated for 3 years before getting married. Ours was a normal average relationship. We had 2 kids, did frequent vacations and everything was normal. My husband had this very "bachelor-like" lifestyle right from the beginning of our marriage
When it was just the 2 of us too, he used to go out with friends, drink and come home really late in night without even informing me abt his whereabouts. after we had our first daughter, he used to say, i am going to change , be more of a family guy. But again he went back to his late nights , frequent partying, which was 3- 4 days a week. i used to even wonder whether his work would get affected. He used to do a lot of work from home if he were not able to wake up the next day.

He used to justify that during weekends he is spending his time with family, taking the family for dining out and vacations, paying the bills etc , so, his weekday activities should not be questioned.

I too adjusted a lot but even i was working and with a toddler at home, when the husband upsets the routine and the equilibrium of the household, the entire environment of the house used to get upset. He used to justify everything he used to do. even if comes back after partying the next day morning, he just used to shut down and not answer where he was , with whom. He just used to say, so what i am doing all my duties. If i asked for any help with the toddler, he used to say, why should i help when the mother is around, grandmother is around and a helper is around. My mother used to visit once in a while for a few weeks. We live in singapore and We had a helper as i was working too.

Then my second daughter came along and his lifestyle choices did not change. He went on to another level where he wanted me too to socialize more often with him. go for parties. But i had 2 young kids. One was not even 1 year old at that time. He used to buy me new clothes, shoes and used to compare me with other women he used to meet and criticize me that i do not want to mingle socially and groom myself and i am not letting him have a life.

He blamed me for not seeing the effort he was taking to "improve" me personally. Meanwhile he did not see that i was a working mom , juggling work with long travel time, a small baby, a young kid . he did not even change 1 single diaper for the baby. And kept on talking for hours about how it is important to be equal in a relationship. He used to criticize me for the kids not behaving well, without putting any effort to fix whatever was wrong. This continues for almost one year after our second baby was born. then his parents also started interfering saying this is not acceptable and he has to mend his ways for the sake of the young kids. That enraged him even more. He started blaming me for involving his parents, when i was forced to seek help when nothing i said or did would make him change his lifestyle.

Then one day after we had a fallout again for reasons like, he staying out partying overnight, he took me out for having a talk and he told me that he wanted to prove that i was the devil in the relationship. He wanted to live a life with another person and prove that he can do so because he is so caring and loving and he wanted me too to find someone and live with that person and he said he was so sure that i will not be able to sustain that relationship too.

He said very mean and rude things and after that talk, he completely shut down. He continued staying out of house, drinking etc etc and whenever i tried to talk, he just said that he is not interested in fixing anything anymore and walk out. I was so devastated with this behavior. I was confused as on why is t that he is not even trying to give it a try. He started browsing dating sites right in front of me. One day my baby fell down while playing right in front of him and when i saw what he was busy on phone with, he was busy swiping on tinder.

It made me really furious and i screamed and shouted, but he made it all as if it is nothing wrong. He is not interested in making things work with me and he was openly challenging me that he will live happier with someone else. He started saying that soon he will move out. Then he started abusing me physically now and then. That was very unusual of him . I let him be after he beat me for a few times. Then one day he came home in the middle of night and seeing me awake waiting for him enraged him . my baby was not well and she woke up too hearing some sound. i was carrying her while trying to have a conversation with him. He jumped out of the bed raging towards me and hit me very badly hurting my 18 month old baby too. that was the time when i put a break on everything i had gone through in the previous few months.

i called the cops to report domestic abuse. He took that as the last straw on the camel's back and within 2-3 days , found a rental place and moved out. Since then no contact for almost 4 months. he did not try to meet the kids, talk to the kids. My elder daughter who was 5 years at that time was confused on where daddy went one fine day even without saying bye to her.

He cut off his contacts with his parents, friends , relatives and anyone who wanted to have a conversation about this. He made his own friends circle and started enjoying his newly acquired bachelor life. After 4 months of almost no contacts, sparing a few emails where he would again verbally abuse me, he agreed to meet me one day to have a conversation.

i had by then calmed down and wanted it all to give a second try. we met and had a very normal conversation. He started saying that this whole issue is not because of me it is him . he needs to figure out a few things. Set his priorities. he said he behaved that way because he had a traumatized childhood and his father had set a wrong example on how to treat a woman. I again fell for his emotional drama and talked in lengths with his mother and close relatives to find whether he really had any trauma in his childhood and everyone came back saying not only did he not have any trauma, he had a too lavish and relaxed life. He was the only child and the parents gave him all freedom and facilities even before he asked for anything. I was shocked to see how he wanted to find someone to blame .

After me, now he was targeting his parents. He was very rude to his parents too after he moved out. His parents too were devastated. He would have this mood swing s where one day he would send me an email saying the kids are lucky they have a mother like me who can manage and look after them even if he is not around. The next day he would send an email saying i am a horrible person and its very unfortunate that the kids are stuck with me. I had not restricted him from meeting the kids or even calling them. But he did not take any initiative to check on them. One day he would say that my kids are super smart and sensitive and they would look after themselves. He is making such a statement about a 6 year and a 2 year old girls. Its going to be 9 months now since he moved out.

I found out that a few weeks after he moved out he had started meeting girls and was in a dating mode, When he met me in person after the 4 months gap, he said he wanted to fall in love again and start his life afresh, so he wants divorce. I had asked him to have a conversation about it, make some arrangements, both financial and emotional for the kids to be stable and normal. He said he was turning 35 in a couple of weeks and he started to start his life part 2 from that milestone. He was not bothered about how i , the kids or his parents were going through a tough emotional time.

All he was bothered was how he wanted to start life afresh. He even said statements like i want to disown the kids and disappear to another part of world and start afresh. It all made me feel he was loosing his mental balance and was getting very irrational. This made me very sympathetic towards him and i kept telling him that i wanted to give us a second chance , do everything in a different manner. He started verbally abusing me for even suggesting that. I thought being in touch with the kids on a regular basis would get him to a warmer side of the situation. He kept slipping off and making any commitment. Meanwhile he lost his job and was at his rental home, all alone, no family, not many friends, no job and no clarity of what he wants. I was in a very sympathetic mode and wanted to help him in every possible way. He had not given any child support or any maintenance money, he just kept paying for the rental of where me and the kids were staying. I too could not maintain the whole family expense with just my salary. He sold off the family car.

Recently i found out from his other friends that he told them that within a couple of months of moving out, he fell in "Love" with a much younger girl and was very much emotionally attached. And since he had to break up with the new girlfriend he was very much in emotional distress and that was the reason he could not focus and find a job after he lost his previous one. When i came to know about that too, i was broken all over again. Here i was sympathizing with him thinking even though he said mean things to me , deep down he is effected by this separation that is why his life was falling apart.

But he claimed it was the break up with his girlfriend which effected him so much. I did not know what to think now. I still wanted him to come back and give all this a second chance at least for the sake of the kids. he recently told me that he is going foe a boys only trip to find himself and will contact me after that. This is a couple of days after he said that he had no money to pay for the family insurance premiums. Where did he get the money for a boys trip. And how would you find yourself on a boys only trip. I ended up sending him some money for the insurance premiums and a few other unpaid bills. I am confused. Am i being taken for a ride. Is he making use of my soft corner for him Or is he really going through some confusions about life/Lifestyle.
Yea, you are being taken for a ride. Usually when a man walks out on his wife like that, it's because he has another women he's involved with. He was probably cheating long before he left you. It's probably why he was gone so much of the time.

I'm not sure why you want someone back you has no respect for love for you.

What you need to do is to file for divorce. He's playing you so that you don't file for divorce so that he does not have to pay child support.

Please see a lawyer and file for divorce. Do this to protect your children. You are basically a single mother now. You need to child support to help you raise them.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Foced to Separation/ Abandonment

Thanks for the advice.
I too have been hearing this a lot from all my well-wishers and friends.
But maybe I am in denial or do not want to wake up from this illusion.

When he talks to others, he is very loud about how he want to start a family life all over again, fall in love all over again.
To me, he tells he doesn't know what he want to do with his life. He tells me that once he moves on from a relationship, he cannot come back ever. So, he will never come back to me and the kids.

He tells me he does not have a road map as on what to do next and whenever he has that he will share it with me too. Basically he has put me in this uncertainty and limbo.
I go through a lot of anxiety attacks and recently on financial stress too. He keeps declining to pay major bills saying he is jobless.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Foced to Separation/ Abandonment

Should I wait till he gets a job?
What if he has some psychological problem?
Am confused. Please help.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Foced to Separation/ Abandonment

Should I wait till he gets a job? Am confused. Please advise.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:33 AM
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Re: Foced to Separation/ Abandonment

How long has he been unemployed?

Do you know if he is actually looking for a job? If he has no job, and therefore no income, what is he living on?

What percentage of your joint income did you earn when he was working?

Whether you file right now while he is not working could have a lot to of with which state you live in. So, would you mind sharing which state?
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Foced to Separation/ Abandonment

He has been unemployed for 3 months now.
He got some severance package from his previous employer, Also I assume he has some money from selling the car.
I am only earning about 25% of our joint income.
Currently , he only pays the rental of the house where me and the kids reside. He has said he will not be able to pay some major bills and I had to dig into some savings I had built up over years.
Now I am in a financially stressed state where I think twice before buying anything the kids want . Just meeting the ends. By end of the month, I do not have anything left in my bank.

He keeps saying that he is not in a good mental state and is not enthusiastically looking for job
A few of his colleagues mentioned he refused some offers given to him from his previous employer siting one or the other reason.

He also once mentioned to me that few of his friends have advised that it is better to be unemployed, if he intends to file for divorce. That way he does not have to commit to too much of maintainence.

I am very much worried and stressed because the kids are too young(6 and 2).

I can't even share my worries with them and they keep expressing some wishes which I cannot fulfill. It makes me very sad and depressed.
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