Can responsible separation work? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

Separation will always be the catalyst for change.

It is a drastic move. And it will start the clock on an outcome.

Some of the outcomes:
a. One person will enjoy the new freedom [lessened life-pressures] and move on to new activities and then a new partner. This will not happen suddenly, unless that was the original intent of the separation.
b. One person will see the light and make whatever changes that are needed to get the relationship back in shape. Are the "changes" made going to be permanent...unlikely.
c. Both party's will lose interest in their marriage. And the separation slides into divorce.
d. People who are co-dependent will find the separation tortuous. It is these people who will strive to get "someone" in their life. Either the marriage partner, or someone new.
e. Absence does make the heart fonder. But if the love sought is not reciprocated by the other partner....or a feeling of "hope" is not felt by one or the other partner, than that lonely and desirous heart will look for love.....elsewhere. And love predators will take advantage of a love-starved spouse.

Your husband? By living separate he will notice other women a lot more. He will be free to eyeball them. And he will be free to engage them in a "more friendly" manner.

He says he will continue to wear his ring. That is good. That shows promise.

It shows promise if he does wear his ring. How will you know if he follows through with his promise? The longer you are separated the smaller his ring finger gets from lack of nookie. Soon the finger will wither to a point where the ring "just falls off". Geeze, how did this happen!

Time is your enemy on this separation.

Maybe he is telling you this because he wants you to wear yours. He wants you to remain loyal.....while he dithers. He may tell himself that he will continue to wear his ring, until he doesn't.......when he sees a women that he wants to get to know, wants to get close to, wants to lay on top of.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:47 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

I love you but I'm not in love with you????
Yeah, you've got a problem.
A "trial separation" is just a way to do two things:
Learn to live without you and see how they like you being GONE, and to see other people with less scrutiny.

No, this trial separation is not going to go well. He's testing the waters.
He is not going to magically decide he's in love with you again.
When a spouse leaves after giving the other the ILYBINILWY speech, there's a reason---- and it's NOT to get back together.

Quite simply, you'd be better off telling him if he doesn't return home, then you are filing for divorce. After all, that's clearly what he wants.

He is not the only man in the world. He's just the only man in your world. You can find another man that loves you.
That's what I suggest.
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

To me (for me), to be asked for separation is just another way to place or agree that the relationship into or is Plan B.

I will either give my all into a relationship, or I will let it go if I am not wanted to be with because that part is not in my control.

I agree that if ILYBINILWY is shared and the couple remains together, then growing together can happen but change is not for the impatient. If ILYBINILWY is shared and the one who says it leaves, @Evinrude58 is right... there is a reason and you have now effectively become Plan B.

Love yourself enough to never be Plan B...

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:18 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

Separation usually means either I have a girlfriend and want to see her more without having to lie and hide, or that I want to date others but keep you as my safety net. I do not think he wants to live apart so he can watch TV, buy a few cats and live all alone. I know 6 people who separated, including my sister and sister-in-law. All got divorced. Separation is easy to ask for than divorce. It gives the other spouse some hope so there is no big fight like there is if he were just to ask for a divorce. He is letting you down easy. Once the love is gone and someone does not want to be with you, it is almost impossible to get your brain chemistry to produce the chemicals needed to make you love someone again. One of the major effects of love is wanting to be with your lover all the time. Just thinking of your lover will release feel good chemicals. Love will blind you to your lover's faults. Once love is gone, so are all the side effects I just listed.

Can you look at someone you know but do not love and will yourself to love them? No, but that is what you are hoping that your husband will do. I hate being a sour puss with all these posts about not loving and separation, but 50% of marriages end in divorce and MC and separation are usually an easier route to divorce than to just to ask for the divorce upfront. This reminds me of the joke about the cat. Not funny per say but true about all of us:

A man on vacation calls his brother to inquire about his cat. His brother tells him that the cat is dead. The man is shocked and tells his brother that he could have let him down easy. Said you could have told him that the cat was on the fire escape the first time he called. Then the next time you could have said that the cat jumped to catch a pigeon and fell. The third call you could have said that the cat was in an animal hospital and being treated and there is a good chance he would live. Then on the next call, tell me that the cat did not make it and died peacefully. The brother agreed that he handled it wrong.

The man then asked about their mother and his brother replied; mom went on the fire escape......... That is a good example of how we put off telling the truth and let a person down a little at a time.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 04-01-2017 at 09:35 PM.
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:17 AM
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Can responsible separation work?

Originally Posted by Lavendergirl View Post
I asked him if he's cheated. He said absolutely not.

Do you know how many times we have read that exact statement here, to later find out the spouse was cheating? Unfortunately way too many times.

But he might be telling you the truth. He might not have cheated, yet. He might though be interested in another person and this separation will allow him to test the waters.

The separation makes it a lot easier for him to rationalize cheating. A lot. It would be "just coffee, not a date", then "just lunch, not a date".

Don't underestimate this possibility.
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Separation is one of the worst things you can do to try to save a marriage.

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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:51 PM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

"There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule."

-Charles Osgood

Originally Posted by DayOne View Post

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

He's probably cheating.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:39 PM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

Originally Posted by Lavendergirl View Post
I asked him if he's cheated. He said absolutely not. I checked his phone records, personal social media accounts. I have passwords to everything. Given all of this information I am choosing to trust him from here forward because I think being untrustworthy will cause a lot of stress on myself and won't be conductive to fixing what we have. So am I positive that he hasn't? No, no one can be positive but am I confident? Yes.
Sadly whenever I have heard that speech said before, 'I love you but am not in love with you', Its always been because of an affair. Initially the cheated on spouse always denies there can be an affair, but eventually it comes to light.
Its because they compare the exciting lust of a new relationship with the more normal down to earth love of a committed marriage.
Cheaters always lie sadly.

Its possible but not probable that he hasn't got anyone else. You could put a tracker in his car.
Separations rarely work. Its usually because the one who suggests it wants out and cant bring themselves to say so.
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:47 PM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

He's not only cheating on you or planning on doing so, he's got you convinced that all of this is YOUR fault!! Wow.

I have NEVER been able to figure out how being separated is supposed to 'fix' a marriage. By definition, a marriage is two people who want to be TOGETHER. Living apart isn't being TOGETHER, and not only that but it makes it impossible to actually WORK on the issues that have led to this point.

I would never put up with this drivel from my husband. If he said he wanted this I'd say SEE YA!! And file for D. It's a big load of hooey.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:33 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

Originally Posted by Lavendergirl View Post
I guess I'm looking for success stories, a glimpse of hope.

I have been with my husband for 15 years (middle school sweethearts) lived together for 7 years and have been married for 2. He has decided that he wants a trial separation. He threw out the whole line, "I love you, you're my best friend, I just don't know if I am in love with you" . We tried living together and working through it but he got depressed and eventually said that he really needs space to figure it all out. I am very understanding. I'm sad, of course but he is an adult and when he says he needs space, I understand and respect that. He said that we are still very much married, the point is to try and make this work. He said we are dating each other. The same rules that we had when we lived together still apply when he moves out. He says we will talk, see each other, do things together, he's still inviting me to work functions, he'll still wear his ring. We have good communication. I love him with all of my heart and I have for a long time.
Side note: I have suffered with low self esteem, anxiety, jealousy issues for a while and they started to run him down, he said he started to lose respect for me because I couldn't see my self worth anymore. I've been actively working on my own issues.

Just wanting to know if anyone has had success in separations. Any kind of insight would be nice actually. Thanks.
Saw @TBT 'outed me' and read your post.

All I can suggest to you is to work on you. Put your relationship aside, at least for now, and focus on Lavendergirl. You say you're "working on your issues". How exactly? If you can, get into counselling. Shop around, find a counsellor that you click with. And be brave enough to face those demons. M'Lady was (is) in the same boat as you, because she'd never truly dealt with her past. Finding the right counsellor, and facing that past has helped her immensely.

We separated, for a year. And going against the naysayers here, it was the best thing that happened to us. Saved our marriage. If we had continued to stay in the rut we were in, we wouldn't be together now.

Having said that, I think we are about the only couple i've read about here in TAM that have gone as far as separation and made it back. It did help that neither of us were looking for pastures greener, but that we just both needed to sort our expletive out. Individually.

Marriage counselling (MC) hadn't worked previously, but individual counselling (IC) was what we needed. And we both went through it.

But, during that time we agreed to stay apart. And that's perhaps what you need to do. Neither of you seem to hold lavendergirl in much regard. And that's a big problem. Ideally he should be strong enough to support you, help you grow. But seems to have instead grown 'angry' that, in his mind, you're not what he mentally expected.

BUT, that's HIS problem. Not your's.

You need to find your own strength. From within. At the end of the day, that's the only place your strength can be found. Go find you. And if he happens to NOT be on that road, so be it.

And listen to Katy Perry's 'Roar'.

I mean really LISTEN to it. HEAR it.

Good luck, LavenderTiger.
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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

Glad to see your input here @DayOne and sorry if I somewhat put you on the spot. It's just that your thread is so very different and one very much needed here at TAM in my opinion. This forum is to talk about marriage,but too often I find the default is 'let's assume infidelity' and often that drives away those like yourself who just want to find and understand the truth. Thanks for sticking around.

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

My husband and his first wife had a one year separation and then got back together. It didn't help and not long after that she met another man and divorced him. He was trying so hard to make it work, but she wasn't.
It does depend on why he wants that separation, but I don't think it helps to be honest.

Last edited by Diana7; 04-03-2017 at 11:47 AM.
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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

It's fine, @TBT. Just hope the OP is still around to read it.
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