Can responsible separation work? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:06 AM Thread Starter
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Can responsible separation work?

I guess I'm looking for success stories, a glimpse of hope.

I have been with my husband for 15 years (middle school sweethearts) lived together for 7 years and have been married for 2. He has decided that he wants a trial separation. He threw out the whole line, "I love you, you're my best friend, I just don't know if I am in love with you" . We tried living together and working through it but he got depressed and eventually said that he really needs space to figure it all out. I am very understanding. I'm sad, of course but he is an adult and when he says he needs space, I understand and respect that. He said that we are still very much married, the point is to try and make this work. He said we are dating each other. The same rules that we had when we lived together still apply when he moves out. He says we will talk, see each other, do things together, he's still inviting me to work functions, he'll still wear his ring. We have good communication. I love him with all of my heart and I have for a long time.
Side note: I have suffered with low self esteem, anxiety, jealousy issues for a while and they started to run him down, he said he started to lose respect for me because I couldn't see my self worth anymore. I've been actively working on my own issues.

*I am confident that he has not cheated, emotionally or physically.

Just wanting to know if anyone has had success in separations. Any kind of insight would be nice actually. Thanks.


Last edited by Lavendergirl; 03-31-2017 at 08:22 AM.
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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:16 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

I've known a few people where separation worked to restore their marriage to a better place. Once one of the spouses though starts ''dating'' others while separated, those cases typically don't work out. As long as you both stay focused on the purpose of separation, which is to see if you want to stay married, and work on the things you need to, then it might make your marriage a stronger one. It's good that you see what you need to work on, wishing you the best for your marriage.

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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:31 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

At one point my wife said the same thing to me, and I did leave for about 2 weeks and kept our communication only to thing regarding our son or emergencies. As much as I didn't think me leaving for a little while would help anything, I did understand that she just wanted some time to herself. The rules were basically minimal interaction between us unless necessary, I would still be at all of our sons sports and school functions and I would Skype with him every night or whenever he wanted, other than that there would be no contact. I know 2 weeks isn't really a long time but it was her idea because I had family that was away for that time so I could stay at their house.

When I came back, yes things seemed to be a little better between us but there was still tension. It was a different tension though, it was more like "ok we're back together, now what?" That tension did subside over time and she had brought up about me possibly leaving again. I told her I didn't feel that was a good idea, one because I felt it was going to confuse our young son and possibly hurt him, and two, I felt that if we were not seeing each other on a daily basis and interacting, how could we really work on our problems effectively if we're not with each other.

Personally I feel it's better to try and do a "separation" while still living together, sleeping in separate rooms, doing things individually, and limiting interaction with each other. As Deidre had kind of mentioned, if one person does end up meeting someone else during the separation, the chances of working on your relationship are all but gone. Even having rules about not "dating" during the separation, things still happen sometimes.
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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

Thanks for your insight. You're totally right about the no dating thing. I understand that things happen but I have thought that for years and it ate me up. I am working on being trusting right now, even when I'm feeling pretty low. I have my eyes wide open but I'm trying not to let it consume me. If he hurts me then I have my answer.

We live in a studio apartment, we literally need more space haha we tried to give each other space in the house but it was difficult, so he has moved 10 mins down the road instead. Again, thank you. I appreciate the feedback!
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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:39 AM
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Cool Re: Can responsible separation work?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lavendergirl View Post
I guess I'm looking for success stories, a glimpse of hope.

I have been with my husband for 15 years (middle school sweethearts) lived together for 7 years and have been married for 2. He has decided that he wants a trial separation. He threw out the whole line, "I love you, you're my best friend, I just don't know if I am in love with you" . We tried living together and working through it but he got depressed and eventually said that he really needs space to figure it all out. I am very understanding. I'm sad, of course but he is an adult and when he says he needs space, I understand and respect that. He said that we are still very much married, the point is to try and make this work. He said we are dating each other. The same rules that we had when we lived together still apply when he moves out. He says we will talk, see each other, so things together, he's still inviting me to work functions, outtings. We have good communication. I love him with all of my heart and I have for a long time.
Side note: I have suffered with low self esteem, anxiety, jealousy issues for a while and they started to run him down, he said he started to lose respect for me because I couldn't see my self worth anymore. I've been actively working on my own issues.

*I am confident that he has not cheated, emotionally or physically.

Just wanting to know if anyone has had success in separations. Any kind of insight would be nice actually. Thanks.
In theory, I believe that it can be successful!

However from a practical point of view, unless you have two strong-minded people who at least have a high, most ethical viewpoint against being involved in infidelity or cheating, it just ain't going to happen!

Regarding yours truly, whenever I was asked for a trial separation by my RSXW, I honestly thought that it was because she was having a "meltdown" because of her "fin-stats" going south; six months into the TS, I sadly found out that the only "meltdown" that had been habitually occurring was from her pelvic region onto some of her BF's from her distant past, both with me out of the house, but also even with me in the house during the last year and a half of what I honestly believed to be a loving marriage!

And what was as equally appalling was that I later found out that she had done her first hubby the very same way!

So when the subject of separation and/or trial separation ever comes up, please don't take the fidelity factor to be a "given!" After all, it's a well-known fact that "when the cat's away, the rats will play!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:40 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

Maybe he is just overwhelmed with life in general and wants some time to think about everything or he feels you take each other for granted and just wants to build back the spark and some sexual tension again.

My marriage has failed and we made mistake of getting trapped in a routine that did not involve quality time 'dating' each other.

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Kids - 2
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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:42 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

Separation is one of the worst things you can do to try to save a marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lavendergirl View Post
*I am confident that he has not cheated, emotionally or physically.
Please tell me how you have arrived at this conclusion.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Separation is one of the worst things you can do to try to save a marriage.



Please tell me how you have arrived at this conclusion.
I asked him if he's cheated. He said absolutely not. I checked his phone records, personal social media accounts. I have passwords to everything. Given all of this information I am choosing to trust him from here forward because I think being untrustworthy will cause a lot of stress on myself and won't be conductive to fixing what we have. So am I positive that he hasn't? No, no one can be positive but am I confident? Yes.
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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:55 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

I think that it's great that the OP wants to save the marriage, loves her husband with all her heart and is willing to go ahead with the separation but it just seems to me this is too motivated by her H. He wanted the separation, set up all the parameters and set all the ground rules. Where are the OP's feelings and needs taken into consideration? It seems that he's set himself up to be able to see others on the side if he wants and not be discovered. I'm not sure about the way this is set up, whether it's built for bringing the two back together.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"

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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:57 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

Suffered from low self esteem, anxiety.... is this code for crappy sex life?


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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:57 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

He laid it all on you.

YOU need to change for him. He is OK, in HIS mind.

Is he.....OK?

If YOU truly believe that you are the one with the "most" problems and that those problems are destructive to your relationship then the onus, is indeed, on you. Can you change? Do you want to? Is he worth it?

His opinion may be overstated/exaggerated. It also may be a problem that both of you are "not" compatible in key areas. Compatibility is not [necessarily] either party's fault. Maybe you can both compromise and meet in the middle on things that both of you like to do.

Regardless, it sounds like he is done with you unless you make the changes that he wants. Make sure he spells out those changes that he wants. Are they reasonable?

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:10 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

Often, when a person wants a separation, it's because they want to see someone else. This is especially true when they say things like your husband has to you. So be careful of that.

It's harder to fix a marriage if the two of you are not living together. Living apart does not make the love grow either. The vast majority of couples who try a separation end up divorced. It's a mid step to divorce.

If he truly wants to work on the marriage, try a structured separation with a counselor involved. You can see what a structured separation looks like at this link. There are more sites out there that talk about this.

The Separation Agreement - Separation AdviceSeparation Advice

There are also two books that I think would help the two of you work through your issues and get back 'that loving feeling".

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"
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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

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Suffered from low self esteem, anxiety.... is this code for crappy sex life?


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Nah, our sex like is fantastic! We have no problems there.
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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

Is he attracted to you? Seems like he's checking out the grass on the other side. If he doesn't already have his eyes on someone else, he will soon.

If you separate, chances are you two will go down your own paths. That's not always a bad thing. A lot of marriages deserve to die. Does yours?
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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:35 AM
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Re: Can responsible separation work?

@Lavendergirl You may find some useful information/understanding on this thread by @DayOne I may be wrong,but I think that there are similarities. It's from a male perspective where the wife decided to leave.

Day One...

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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