Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!
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Old 01-01-2012, 12:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

Been together for 7 years tomorrow. Our 3rd Wedding Anniversary was in August.

My wife & I have been talking about kids recently and I've finally got to the stage where I'm mentally ready for them.

She went away to visit her parents mid December & came home December 14th. As soon as she returned we had our usual amazing sex, hugs, kisses etc and continued what I perceived to be a happy normal relationship.

If anything recently our relationship has been better than ever. The sex has increased and our communication has increased.

Obviously we've had arguments in the past, I've done some things which were wrong but so has she. All in all I've loved our relationship to date.

She went away to visit family again December 23rd. We had a falling out over the phone because I wanted to be with her at Christmas but becasue both our families are in different places we each have an obligation to attend seperate events. She came back December 27th to inform me she no longer wants to be with me.

She says this disagreement was the straw that has broken the camels back. She has every argument or disagreement we have ever had almost stored away in a filing system in her head. There aren't many of them but she knows every one off by heart.

She said that she does not think I can offer our future children the same environment her sister and her husband offer theirs. She says her sister's husband protects and shields her from everything and takes all the flak off her.

Naturally I'm devastated because after this with the financial implications of either losing or buying her out of the house we own I can never offer someone Marriage again and therefore it would be unlikely I would consider children with them.

My wife was my best and only chance of ever having children & I feel that has now gone.

She stayed home with me from the 27th-29th and during that time period we actually had sex on the 28th. Though she says she doesn't want to be with me we do take comfort from each other though she has admitted the sex was a mistake & has now banned hugging or touching.

She's been away for New Year's and gets back tomorrow. I've tried texting her and calling her but she's been very unresponsive. I know this is the wrong thing to do because at this stage texting her telling her how important to me just pushes her futher away. I need to force myself not to do this.

During everyday life we'd text and call each other every lunch time and all through the day. We'd rarely spend a few hours out of touch with each other. This has now stopped abruptly when she is away from the house.

She speaks to me like she resents me when we talk on the phone & any texts I get back just reissue her point. We are over etc etc etc.

She has even suggested I look at other women now and said I should do so over new year as I was 'free to do what I want now'.

She insists she hasn't met anyone & she actually works incredibly hard, sometimes from 9am-11pm. (she really is at work so please don't suggest she has someone).

I'm at a loss as to what to do. She says she doesn't see a future with me as she doesn't see me being able to care for our children to an acceptable standard.

She's 26 and says she only has a limited time for children and needs to see what else is out there.

She wants to move on and says the only chance of us ever getting back together is in 6 months to a year but she wants a divorce & wants her name off the house which she's happy for me to buy her out of.

She says she doesn't want the commitment of the bills & the mortgage and the weight of Marriage but in another breath says she wants a family and husband.

Naturally I am very confused. She has a great job and even her own Mum & Dad think she is making a mistake.

I think we are great together and have always imagined us growing old together. Now I'm about to lose everything that's more important to me than anything.
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Old 01-01-2012, 12:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

You don't really talk about being in love. In fact, you say the reason you're devastated is because of financial reasons and not bing able to have kids with someone else.

First of all, I can't understand why this is your only shot at a family. She's 26. How old are you? You should have plenty of time to recover from a setback. And staying together for those reasons isn't really valid, IMHO.

Just my $0.02. A more cynical person might suggest she met up with an old boyfriend while she was back home, but you said not to suggest that.

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Old 01-01-2012, 12:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

Sorry I was trying to remember every reason etc. she gave for splitting up. I love her very much and genuinely believed she loved me.

I am 34. To cut it short I would be happy to live in a one bedroom rented bedsit with her, unmarried with no kids.

She is the single most important thing to me & always has been.
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Old 01-01-2012, 12:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

No offense, but why did you spend Christmas apart then? What has she told her parents about this? How is her sister's situation any different than yours?

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Old 01-01-2012, 12:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

This doesn't add up at all.

Sorry, but it very much sounds like she hooked up with someone while at her parents the first time, then came home felt guilty, tried to cover it up with a bunch of sex, then went back hooked up again and is now trying to divorce you and hook with him permanently.

Have you called her parents to ask them if she went out drinking/dancing etc while there?
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Old 01-01-2012, 01:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

Basically my family & her family live too far apart so I visit mine every Xmas & she visits hers.

All they do is drinks round the family home with most family members in attendance and the kids so the opportunity to meet someone is small. (not that I'm discounting anything).

Also for New Year's she's gone to a completely different town with friends but she's doing that because after New Year she's moving back with her family so didn't want to spend New Year there too.

The day she went there 23rd Dec she didn't arrive until midnite & went straight to bed. By the evening of the 24th she'd made up her mind. It was all over by Xmas Day.
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Old 01-01-2012, 01:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

Let her go. If she wants out, tell her that while you don't want a divorce, you aren't going to clig to her if she wants out of ur marriage. Wish her luck and don't cry, beg or plead for her.
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Old 01-01-2012, 01:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

Yeah begging and pleading are not good. Have done a bit of that but understand it's an absolute no no.

I would give anything to get her back, She's still here currently, back tomorrow. I'm going to spend the week at my parents and take the dog there too so hopefully the empty house might give her a taste of life without me. She may well enjoy the peace but I can only try.
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Old 01-01-2012, 05:36 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

I think thats a great idea. Why not start out the new year by giving her a taste of the reality she is asking for...you not around.

I'm thinking poeple want what they cant have so no matter how tough it is, IMO the best way to get her back is to not be around.

My thinking here is folks have a nack for "cake eating" and by doing the 180 plan and not being around you will get her to think twice about her choices. Does that make sense?

So as bad as it hurts my advise is to act like it doesn't and show her the confident man she fell in love with so many years ago.

I think indifference will serve you well in this case.

On a side note I highly recommend you quitely investigate the possiblity of someone else having an influence in the dynamic of your marriage. Keep this on the down low, it will make it easier to do the research and confirm the other influences that are effecting the marriage. Again this may not be another guy , but a toxic friend that continues to deteriorate the marriage and your wifes view of it. Alot of times it just the freedom she seeks and the chance to be with several other people. The bottom line is find out who the enemy is and understanding what you need to do to fight this by having the knowledge of what you are fighting.
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Old 01-01-2012, 06:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

I'm so sorry this has happened, especially at xmas.

She works 9 am - 11 pm sometimes? She may very truly be at work, but does she work with people, at all? Maybe seeing someone at work, or around people who are single and carefree, it could be anything. It might not be a physcial affair, but someone who is "whispering in her ear" so to speak. An emotional affair. That's a lot of hours to be at work. More time than she spends with you. So maybe where her biggest influence is coming from.

Oops just read the guy kinda posted the same thing.

I agree with the guy.

Best wishes
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Old 01-01-2012, 06:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

The company she works for has two departments. Her day job & then she has a second job with them too. Hence the late hours.

She was out of work for a while so is doing these hours to catch up on the moneys she feels she's lost.

She more than pays for the house. At times, more often than not, she contributes more than me. She's very intelligent & I simply could not get a job as well paid as hers.

I'm wondering if anyone shares my opinion that the amount of hours has stressed her out & going away to different cities to party & relax has made her do this.

She hasn't answered any of my calls but late tonight I've received calls & texts from her saying she doesn't feel well, am I ok etc.

I haven't responded & don't intend to tomorrow either.
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Old 01-01-2012, 06:49 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

Jono,

I would just let this social climber go her own way. Think how much worse it would be for you if you already had kids with her!

If she can try this once she could try it again, perhaps after you do have kids or, perhaps worse, put the squeeze on you to work two or three jobs to try to take care of her and the kids to the same standard as she imagines her other relatives do. She would not even have to say anything; the implied threat---of getting that certified letter from her lawyer---would always be there. It just isn’t worth it.

I only hope that she contributed substantially to the cost of buying the house, otherwise you will get a screwing on your investment there. Even if this is the case, the cost of the education you are getting will be much less than this same education costs many men!
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Old 01-01-2012, 07:05 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

The long hours are a huge stress if she has been doing them for more than a few days. The long hours can also create a breakdown in a marriage. A couple should spend about 15 hours a week together doing things that are date-like. Without that the passion in the marriage fails. I would guess that her long hours are a big contributor to your marital problems.

As for you buying her out of the house, why would you do that if it causes you a strain. If she wants to leave the marriage, then let her buy you out. Or the both of you contribute to the home payments until the home is sold. Why would you agree to put yourself into a hard financial situation? Because she wants it? What are you thinking? You accepting her idea of you buying her part of the house sounds exactly like the kind of thing she does not like about you.. you being a push over.

If she wants a divorce, let her pay the high cost of divorce... like having the burden of the home that she no longer wants.

The more pressure of reality you put on her, the more likely she is to see that divorce is not such a fantasy solution.

And if you do get back with her... this idea of seperate holidays, her with her family, you with your family stinks. It's another thing that just about predicts the failure of a marriage. The two of your are not building your own family traditions... you could take turnes... one holiday at your family, the next holiday at her family. And maybe some where just the two of you are together. IMHO, this sort of arrangement should be a condition of you taking her back if and when this current issue is over.
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Old 01-01-2012, 07:44 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

EleGirl Absolutely wonderful thoughts & advice re: family. Couldn't agree more. What a great forum this is turning out to be.

Everything I seem to write is in defense of her but it must be noted I bought the house on my own 10 years ago. She moved in when we first got together 7 years ago & went on the mortgage approx 5 years ago.

Having owned the house solely previously I'd like to keep it as I regard it as an achievement during my life.

She's more than paid her way so I have no problem with her taking 50% equity if worst comes to the worst.
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Old 01-02-2012, 12:14 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants divorce. Informed me at Christmas!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jono View Post
EleGirl Absolutely wonderful thoughts & advice re: family. Couldn't agree more. What a great forum this is turning out to be.
I agree that is a wonderful forum. It’s definitely one of the better ones out there.
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Originally Posted by jono View Post
Everything I seem to write is in defense of her but it must be noted I bought the house on my own 10 years ago. She moved in when we first got together 7 years ago & went on the mortgage approx 5 years ago.
Having owned the house solely previously I'd like to keep it as I regard it as an achievement during my life.

She's more than paid her way so I have no problem with her taking 50% equity if worst comes to the worst.
Your point of view makes sense. However there are issues to consider.

1) At this point in time you should not be negotiating divorce terms with her. Give it time. Make no promises. You do not want a divorce so do not even discuss it with her right now. Though I do suggest that you see an attorney as soon as possible to find out where you stand legally. Also be careful what you do say about what you would or would not do in the divorce as you are not there yet. I’ve seen things turn south very quickly… you have no idea where this is going.


2) My main point was about a way you could put pressure on her. One thing people do, whether due to an affair or just disillusionment with a marriage is to get into a mindset that the grass is greener on the other side (the other side is divorce). So putting pressure on her at least for a while about her buying you out, not agreeing to what she thinks would make it easiest for her could help bring some reality into her mindset. You can always later switch to a more reasonable position.


3) What does family law in your state say about who gets what? Is your wife on the mortgage? If she is not on the mortgage but on the title… technically YOU owe 100% of the debt for the house and she owns 50% of the equity in the house. By you putting her on the title, you might have gifted to her whatever your down payment was. This is one thing you should definitely discuss with your attorney… is the down payment considered your sole property even though she is now on the title? Another issue is how has the value of homes in your area held up over the last 7 years since you bought it. Is there even any equity in the house? There might not be. The house might actually be upside down, meaning that you owe more than it’s worth. If this is the case, then you have nothing to buy her out of… there is no equity.
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