New year, new deal - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-01-2012, 07:51 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 187
New year, new deal

Every day I tell myself what everyone says here. If he wants to go, let him. You can't change what the other person feels. Do the 180, no contact. I get it, I just can't always do it. After 29 years together and 28 married, the thought of going on without him causes me chest pain, tears and sadness everyday, even after a year. The first part of the year, I thought I could change his mind, we did MC, I did IC.

I am learning that there are things we each carried with us, that the other couldn't live with and we did nothing to change it. I am sorry about that, but realize it did take two people to make a marriage. I need to find a way to move on, still struggling with that everyday. I have a great job, two great kids, lots of friends and family, but I miss him everyday.

I also find things about our relationship everyday that were not right. I just got so used to them, I didn't think about them anymore. My sister said the other day "are there things you don't miss?". Good question, of course there are. I sit her by myself, trying to make sense of the year ahead and my life alone. Just want to go to bed til its over.

Anyway, I am trying to bring in the New Year with hope, will wake up tomorrow and start again. I promised the STBXH that I would not text or email anymore sad stories, made it through today. (Well, if you don't count midnight last night). One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Best wishes to all for 2012

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-01-2012, 10:42 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Re: New year, new deal

I totally understand your feeling, its been three years (I try not to count). When he left, he move about a mile away from us with another women. I have been in hell still loving this man. I believe now I love more of what we had now instead of him (at least I hope). We were together for 20 yrs and holidays and new years are very hard. To top it off, our child's birthday is new year's day. So its hard on both of us. I could go on but that wouldn't make either one of us feel better. So I will say, it will get better ( at least it feels good to say that right)
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-02-2012, 02:36 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 187
Re: New year, new deal

Thanks Still. I am gaining some perspective on all of this. I recognize that I need to make some changes in me if I am going to have others treat me better. It is a shame that it can't be with him, considering all our history, but I say, his loss. I am a pretty special person, I let some things idle which needed attention, not wanting to rock the boat or trusting that I could ask for more and expect to get it. Life will be good. Two great kids who love and respect me, good family and friends. Two days have gone by with no contact, so pretty good for me. Bring it on 2012.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-02-2012, 07:11 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Wales
Posts: 23
Re: New year, new deal

Just read your thread and can fully understand your feelings and how low you feel and can get...
I was with my 'now' ex wife for 30 years...before it all got blown to smithereens by her PA with a co worker...What helped me was doing a 180 even after the divorce was finalized 13 months ago. I have not seen her or made any attempt too. She has sent text messages 4 times during this period and after answering/replying to them I have consciously deleted her mobile number as its presence would be simply a temptation to text back....
I have also written to her when the answers she has needed required more detail....again this method gives you a 'firewall' as protection and prevents 'opening up' old wounds...
On the last letter I sent (3 months ago) I emphasized that I would not be her 'friend'....I further explained that she had once been my friend, lover, soul mate and wife. They came as a package ALL or NOTHING....
I also told her that she had made the right choice and wished her true happiness...
I still live a lone...but having no means to contact her when I'm in the 'dark' zone' has helped...It does get better...TRUST ME...

Take care wishes for 2012...x
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-02-2012, 07:48 PM
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 312
Re: New year, new deal

Wow. It's been only 2 months for me and I keep hoping the relief will come SOON. I'm a little discouraged hearing it takes that long to really recover.

I really want to get off this emotional rollercoaster...

I am also relying heavily on the 'new year, new deal' idea. Here's to all of us...
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-02-2012, 08:51 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 187
Re: New year, new deal

Good advice, I no longer have his number saved in my phone, so it is easy to see if he comes up with a message, etc. It is mostly me who sends the texts, although he occassionally sends me one when he does something with our kids, something that I don't really need to know. I have told him multiple times don't send me that kind of info, if I don't need to know it, don't tell me it. Got through another day with no contact!
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-03-2012, 02:17 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 187
Re: New year, new deal

I had to text him today to let him know I packed some more of his things. He is going to stop by to get them, I am on my way out. Still waiting for him to tell me the new court date. The one the court set is on the week I am taking a cruise with friends. I am slowly clearing out our home of any signs that he lived here. I am ok about storing some things for a while,but I want the closet space back. Plus I don't want his mail or any deliveries coming here anymore. He won't stop coming on his own, so I need to give him no excuse. Still dyinge to take a deep breath for the first time in over a year, maybe on the sruise ship or in the arms of some handsome stranger?!!
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-03-2012, 11:15 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 187
Re: New year, new deal

He came today to pick up his stuff. The good news is that I was home when he came and had to ring the doorbell. He was surprised by how much stuff I packed up for him, he thought it was just going to be the things he needed for his trip, sorry honey, its all going soon. But of course, I lost it. Kept thinking about how I should be going with him, not our son. When he was leaving I said "I hate you", then I texted him all the things I hate, I hate that our marriage wasn't worth a fight, I hate that I take it all so personally, etc. The last thing I said was most of all I hate that I always let him drive. Then I laughed. I mean, really, what is up with someone who needs to be in charge all the time that they can't even be a passenger once in a while. Ahh, one bad moment in a year that is going pretty well so far. Even if it is only 3 days old!
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