Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

I really needed to hear all of this. Honestly I haven't gotten a lawyer yet because it all happened so damn fast. Tomorrow friends I will make the call!

The part I'm really struggling with is all the love and affection she gave me during the good times, does what's happening now taint those memories? Are women sometimes this fickle?

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post #17 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:21 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by kendonim View Post
It's hard to believe that my wife of 14 years just dumped me for these other married guys, but here we are. You're absolutely right; I don't want her continuing to be hitched to my wagon in any form. I just keep thinking I'll wake up and it's all a bad dream.
She's dating married men?

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The part I'm really struggling with is all the love and affection she gave me during the good times, does what's happening now taint those memories? Are women sometimes this fickle?
She was giving you love and affection because she wasn't getting it from other men. Once she did, she slung you to the back burner without a second thought to your well-being. That speaks volumes to her character (and the fact that she is hooking up with other married men). The other men's wives deserve to know!

Kick her to the curb. Refuse to be her Plan B. You are no one's back up plan.
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post #18 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 06:43 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by kendonim View Post
The part I'm really struggling with is all the love and affection she gave me during the good times, does what's happening now taint those memories? Are women sometimes this fickle?
Don't confuse love with getting ones "rocks off."

Yes, women can do this, too.

Can you give some concrete examples of how she made you feel loved, that doesn't have anything to do with sex and intimacy?

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #19 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:00 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

It's called cake eating. You are a babysitter, safety net, Plan B, enabler.

youve done nothing but talk so you are where you are.

You apparently gave her an open marriage to try and pacify and nice her back.

In order for you to have a life you have to fix yourself and end this if you want one.

It's totally up to you. No one else is going to do it for you.
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post #20 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:00 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

You need to implement the 180 and detach. You need to see a lawyer and get advised on how and when to end this sham of a marriage.

You need to go out and date too. Just so that you don't get depressed. She doesn't want her security blanket to belong to someone else. She is like a child that won't play with her old toy, but doesn't want anyone else to play with it either.

You are NOT a security blanket nor her toy!

Entitled, nasty piece of woman, and a sad excuse for a wife too.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #21 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:02 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

IMO id have her served without warning and do a hard 180 or you'll just wallow in limbo for a few more years.
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post #22 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:11 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Of course it is! Classic cake eater mentality. Classic cheater speak and behavior. This does NOT mean she loves you and will eventually love and respect you. It's quite the contrary. So get out of her spiraling down ways, or you are in for more hurt and loss of precious time.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #23 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by kendonim View Post
I really needed to hear all of this. Honestly I haven't gotten a lawyer yet because it all happened so damn fast. Tomorrow friends I will make the call!

The part I'm really struggling with is all the love and affection she gave me during the good times, does what's happening now taint those memories? Are women sometimes this fickle?
No, they are oftentimes this fickle.
And once they see they have a man pining for them, they'll treat a mangy dog better than they will you.get out now. Really. Screw the pain. Yeah it's gonna hurt. DO IT. Once you've I accept she's gone, you can heal and fall in love with another woman. Trade up.
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post #24 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 09:05 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

This situation is like a band-aid, dude......best if ripped off quickly to hasten the healing process. The other part of the equation is to have and develop self respect. The sun shines brightly on the other side.....it is waiting your arrival!
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post #25 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Hi all,

A few updates:
1) I have some closure now about how the good times seemed so good yet here we are. I believe she suffers from depression, and has highs & lows. Her mother's heart transplant triggered her low.
2) She gave me a little more detail about who she is seeing. One married guy and one very unmarried guy. The unmarried guy works on the same street she does. He apparently, "makes her laugh".
3) She claims she is breaking off with both of them and just wants to be alone. Apparently the unmarried guy is very upset.
4) I met with a lawyer. Divorce would be absolute financial ruin for me. It turns out my best option, financially, is just to stay separated. She hasn't indicated that she will push for divorce any time soon.
5) We're getting along civilly.

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post #26 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:19 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

She is lying about 3.

But it doesn't matter; you aren't going anywhere.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #27 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:11 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Ask the lawyer if financial ruin is better or worse in 4 years if you divorce later. Your thinking will only make it worse in the end. Remember, you don't have the best track record for decision making.


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post #28 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

People don't get divorced because it's good for finances.

You might lose a ton of money, you might be broke or in the negative, but you'll make it back over time.

That's the cost of freedom and happiness. If you can't have that, what's the point of life?
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post #29 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by kendonim View Post
Are women sometimes this fickle?
After reading these thread the answer is emphatically yes. Some men too. It's in these people's nature. They "love" they show you seems to be more about the emotions and less about true love which is much deeper then, love songs and poems.

You are making a bad decision. Eventually she will meet a guy she wants to be with and she will ruin you financially and you will have no control over the fallout. Or you will meet someone and have no options, or worse she wouldn't want to be with a guy stuck in limbo.
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post #30 of 89 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Ask the lawyer if financial ruin is better or worse in 4 years if you divorce later. Your thinking will only make it worse in the end. Remember, you don't have the best track record for decision making.


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I did. Right now, assuming she insists on a 50/50 split, I lose the marital home, and with $2000 a month additionally going to her in child support, I might have to move in with my parents. The child support may not end for another 12 years. I discovered why the child support equation sucks so bad. It is calculated with before-tax numbers, not actual take-home pay. Also, I received some stock options the past few years that I cashed in recently, inflating my salary far beyond what it actually is. If I wait a few years, those cash-ins won't be held against me and the child support figure will be much lower.
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