Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Given those numbers it may make sense to wait, during which time perhaps you can make some changes in your finances so you get a more favorable settlement. Some people make "gifts" to trusted family members.. you know a few thousand here, a few thousand there. Cash in a few investment accounts. If anyone asks, you went on a gambling spree and lost it all. The "lookback" period during a divorce is usually about 3 years, longer than that no one will ask you where the money went, it won't be subject to equitable distribution.

Meanwhile, you just need to disconnect. Go live your own life. She's just a roommate/business partner, nothing more.

One problem is you're still responsible for any of her debts obtained during the marriage. So don't pay it off, hopefully she'll be limited by her available credit.

The other problem is the longer you're married, the more you may have to pay in spousal support in terms of amount and duration. Might want to check your state laws on how that works.

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post #32 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:51 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

What is the custody split? What is the current custody? Your in the home your daughter home, how much time does she get to spend in her (meaning your daughter) home? Or is the apartment now her home.

So separated with a do not tell, do not ask for both of you?

A civil and polite 180 with discussions limited to your daughter and joint finances is needed. Also work on keeping your finances separated.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #33 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Given those numbers it may make sense to wait, during which time perhaps you can make some changes in your finances so you get a more favorable settlement.
Oh yeah, forgot the other piece. She only went back into the work force a year and a half ago. Her salary is still on the climb. Mine has stabilized. Every year she's going to gain on me, making the child support distribution more equitable.

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One problem is you're still responsible for any of her debts obtained during the marriage. So don't pay it off, hopefully she'll be limited by her available credit.
All of those are long paid off. My only debt is my mortgage.

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The other problem is the longer you're married, the more you may have to pay in spousal support in terms of amount and duration. Might want to check your state laws on how that works.
Yes the lawyer went over that with me. My daughter is young enough that child support is the only issue I need to be concerned about for many years to come. She is in 4th grade. If she doesn't go to college, that's 8 years of child support. Community college, 10 years. 4 year school, 12 years, which is the max because you can stop paying when the child reaches 23 anyway. If we divorce in 12 years, I may have to pay 5-10 years of alimony instead. However, like I said her salary may be much higher at that point, plus I can argue to the judge that she's been living apart from me for 12 years and is used to her standard of living from her own salary.

The math to decide to divorce now would be the expectation of huge earnings up ahead that I don't want to split with her. But since my child support would be $24k a year of after-tax dollars ... I doubt it. I'll review the numbers anyway, maybe I don't need to move in with my parents.
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post #34 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:26 AM
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Look like you've made enough excuse to justify staying in this.

Better get s good supply of condoms so do you don't catch anything off your wayward wife. If she'll let you have sex with her.

Last edited by Marc878; 04-05-2017 at 12:52 PM.
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post #35 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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What is the custody split? What is the current custody? Your in the home your daughter home, how much time does she get to spend in her (meaning your daughter) home? Or is the apartment now her home.
Right now it's 50/50. If I can convince my wife to have custody 5 days a week, the child support goes down dramatically.

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So separated with a do not tell, do not ask for both of you?
On her side. She's been quite curious so far about my dates. And my ideal is to have a new woman move into the house.

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A civil and polite 180 with discussions limited to your daughter and joint finances is needed. Also work on keeping your finances separated.
We still have joint credit cards, but we're communicating very well about upcoming purchases. Otherwise the money (& cars) are all in my name.

I think I'm doing the 180 pretty well so far. If she's not lying, she's actually broken off contact with her cadre of men, which is a start. It gave me real chuckles to see her get so jealous when I started dating again. Also, her "inner storyboard" is feeding her all this stuff about how she wasn't happy in the marriage, and tainting all the good memories. Yet I'm being my usual jocular self with her, keeping things tension free, and basically making it harder and harder to tell herself that she didn't enjoy spending time with me. I mean, she called me at 6:53 AM today, ostensibly to ask about our daughter, but she's starting to find excuses to call all the time now. I never ask about our future, I never indicate I'm going to stop going on dates, she sees I'm losing weight. We'll see where this all goes.
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post #36 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Look like you've made enough excuse to justify staying in this.
Right now it's really more about taking every day as it comes, and not planning ahead too far.

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Better get s good supply of confoms do you don't catch anything off your wayward wife. If she'll let you have sex with her.
I will certainly not push for that. I'm curious if at some point she'll try something. I need to be strong. No reconciliation without counseling! And a massive apology. And ... gosh, I don't know how you really repair this. But I do look back on the good times fondly.
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post #37 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:52 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Look like you've made enough excuse to justify staying in this.
Doesn't sound like excuses to me, sounds like he's done his homework.
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post #38 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:57 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

$2K a month in CS? There must be a huge disparity in income if you all are planning 50/50. I would highly recommend checking with another attorney to get a second or even third opinion. Research also suggests that Mass still has at-fault divorce that could be used to ease your financial situation with regards to divorce.

I'm sorry, I not sure how you find it okay that your wife is banging other men. If she is that unhappy in your marriage, let her go find her happiness...without you.

It sounds as though you have made up your mind to stay in this weird relationship, so I'm not going to waste a bunch of words. I can only imagine what you tell your daughter about what is going on. Just remember, kids learn by watching what their parents do. What are you teaching your daughter about a healthy relationship?
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post #39 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Yes, I'd take another consult. You lived in Limbo once, why do it again?
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post #40 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Yes, I'd take another consult. You lived in Limbo once, why do it again?
She's gone, she's not coming back. I get that. So from that sense, it isn't limbo. I'm moving on with my life and actively dating to find the new love of my life. I just need to plan this just right to not get financially crushed. I admit one thing occurring to me is that if I push for divorce, she is more likely to push for every last penny than if she starts the proceedings. Especially when it comes to not wanting her kids to lose the family home.

It's only been a month. When dealing with an issue of this magnitude, I need to take my time and get it right. An unknown factor, of course, is losing out on the new love of my life because she won't date a separated guy. I'm keenly aware of that problem.

Mass has at-fault divorce but it doesn't affect the financial split. Yes I make 4x as much as her right now on years with stock grants.

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post #41 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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I admit one thing occurring to me is that if I push for divorce, she is more likely to push for every last penny than if she starts the proceedings.
Even if she starts the divorce it will be the same. Once she gets in front of an attorney and hears about how much money she can get from you, and the attorney plays to her fears about how she won't have enough money for her and the kids to live on unless she goes after you for every dime, she certainly will.

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An unknown factor, of course, is losing out on the new love of my life because she won't date a separated guy. I'm keenly aware of that problem.
It's not an unknown factor. A quality woman won't get involved with a guy who is living with his wife. You aren't separated if you're living together no matter how you try to rationalize it. You're married, living together, with no plans to divorce, if "only for financial reasons".
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post #42 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Even if she starts the divorce it will be the same. Once she gets in front of an attorney and hears about how much money she can get from you, and the attorney plays to her fears about how she won't have enough money for her and the kids to live on unless she goes after you for every dime, she certainly will.
gulp.

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It's not an unknown factor. A quality woman won't get involved with a guy who is living with his wife. You aren't separated if you're living together no matter how you try to rationalize it. You're married, living together, with no plans to divorce, if "only for financial reasons".
She has her own apartment. But I see your point. Honestly what I need to do is:
(1) Figure out how to get custody of our daughter Sunday evening through Friday evening - all school nights. If I have custody 2/3 of the time, the child support goes way down.
(2) Figure out a way to deal with her share of the equity in the house. Perhaps she would be amenable to avoiding selling/refinancing it until such a time as the children no longer need it.
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post #43 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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She has her own apartment.
Oh, well that certainly helps, but still you're going to need to find a quality woman that is ok with you staying married for the indefinite future even if you're physically separated.

Difficult but not impossible.

Especially if you've got something to offer, starting with a great personality and a reasonable amount of discretionary income.
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post #44 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

WS are notorious for not filing or working to get divorce final. They want to keep all options open.

Have the two of you actually sat down and discussed the nuts and bolts of a divorce at all? In general terms your best off divorcing while she is having fun in affairland. They are more concerned about having fun and being "happy" than the real world. After a few months and she blows thru a few guys and she starts feeling broke financially your going to be in for a much tougher situation.

Divorce sucks financially speaking, the longer it looms the worse the financial doom becomes. She can lose her job, you could lose yours. She may never advance in her current career, yours could take off.

A buddy of mine did the let's just stay separated game, 3 years later the spouse drunk has a car accident and kills someone. The spouse having too much fun being "happy" and independent didn't pay insurance. Guess who got financially ruined because they are still married.

You also now have the luxury of time to rebuild what you may lose in a divorce. It's much harder to rebuild retirement accounts etc when your older. The wait game rarely works and for all the planning and scheming she can just file one day and screw it all up. It could be next month, 6 months or 2 years from now.

Have the hard conversation with her and see what she wants instead of the guessing game. It's a new world for her right now, in a few months when she realizes it's not nearly as great as she thought she's gonna want more.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #45 of 100 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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After a few months and she blows a few guys and she starts feeling broke financially your going to be in for a much tougher situation.
There fixed that for you.

All good points in @honcho's post above that need to be weighed against postponing divorce that you may not have considered.
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