Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by stixx View Post
There fixed that for you.

All good points in @honcho's post above that need to be weighed against postponing divorce that you may not have considered.
Thanks. Wow, where were you all to give me advice before I got married, eh?

I'm seriously wondering if I'll ever legally tie the knot again.

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post #47 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:13 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

You are in limbo when you are waiting or pondering the next move. You will be in limbo if you wait a couple of years and something changes. I'm not saying you want her back, I'm talking about wondering and stressing over the next few years of happiness or financial ruin.

Pretty much Honcho's post sums up anything else I would have clarified.
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post #48 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:49 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Thanks. Wow, where were you all to give me advice before I got married, eh? :wink2.
You wouldn't have listened, no one does.
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post #49 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:44 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Consult another attorney, ASAP. She works full time? She should not be entitled to ANY alimony. Why do YOU have to lose the house? You should be able to sell it then split the equity. CS should be based on your current, verifiable salary. You have no other debt besides your mortgage? Then this should not ruin you! This attorney you consulted SUCKS. Try another one!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #50 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:21 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Don't leave your divorce in the hands of this woman! Don't leave your future with a great, loyal partner in the hands of this woman!

You can recover financially, you can't recover lost time and an opportunity of a much better partner on this woman!

You can't afford that mistake, so don't pay for it with tons of regret for not cutting the cord sooner!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #51 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Consult another attorney, ASAP. She works full time? She should not be entitled to ANY alimony.
It's child support, not alimony, but the calculation is the same.

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Why do YOU have to lose the house? You should be able to sell it then split the equity.
That's what I meant by losing the house. I will approach her about a deal to keep the house as long as the kids need it though.

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CS should be based on your current, verifiable salary.
If it is done upon my BASE salary it won't be as bad. My cashing in options the past few years should not have to hurt me, I totally agree, and my receiving a bonus is not a given.

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You have no other debt besides your mortgage? Then this should not ruin you!
Depends on your definition of ruin I guess. I was on track to retiring in my mid 50s. Sigh.
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post #52 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Ok so legal status aside, she still calls and talks on the phone with me a lot. She's really hoping she gets along with my next wife too. This is a weird, weird breakup because at this point we are very friendly with one another. She still calls and tells me about her day, stuff like that.
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post #53 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Why do you answer?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #54 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Why do you answer?
Fair question. It's not in my nature to stay angry with anyone. I can't keep up a wall artificially. I'm a loving person and I don't want to change into a bitter one. Also, my mantra is "You are where you are, you can't go back," so I make the best of the situation I'm in, which in this case still involves a lot of child hand-offs and occasional dinners for the 4 of us.
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post #55 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:43 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

I disagree with the premise of your statement that continuing to listen to her means that you're not angry, or that conversely refusing to listen to her means that you are angry.

"This is the type of conversation that is for intimate partners. I'm not okay with talking this way."

You say this in a calm but firm tone of voice. No anger; all business like.

You are allowing her to use you to meet your emotional needs. Think for just a moment about the type of signal this sends.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #56 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:59 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Fair question. It's not in my nature to stay angry with anyone. I can't keep up a wall artificially. I'm a loving person and I don't want to change into a bitter one. Also, my mantra is "You are where you are, you can't go back," so I make the best of the situation I'm in, which in this case still involves a lot of child hand-offs and occasional dinners for the 4 of us.
This is not in your best interest. You need to detach. Only talk with her regarding the children, and STOP spending time with her. You doing this is not going to allow you to move on, and will eventually blow up in your face.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #57 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Fair question. It's not in my nature to stay angry with anyone. I can't keep up a wall artificially. I'm a loving person and I don't want to change into a bitter one. Also, my mantra is "You are where you are, you can't go back," so I make the best of the situation I'm in, which in this case still involves a lot of child hand-offs and occasional dinners for the 4 of us.
It's not about being angry or bitter. It's about you moving on from her. Right now she is using you as an emotional crutch and eventually she will eventually do less and less of but it keeps you attached to her and only delays your healing.

Being civil and cordial and a good co-parent doesn't mean your going to be or have to be buddies with her.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #58 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:38 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

You are definitely causing yourself pain by conversing with your wife.
I'm just giving my ditto for what others have wisely told you.
Nothing but kids and then nothing.
Talk to her only if you are required to for parenting. Nothing.
Zero would be best.

The best place to put your wife is behind you. Only then will you accept she is gone and heal properly.
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post #59 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Ok so legal status aside, she still calls and talks on the phone with me a lot. She's really hoping she gets along with my next wife too. This is a weird, weird breakup because at this point we are very friendly with one another. She still calls and tells me about her day, stuff like that.
She does this for a couple of reasons.

1) She still feels some guilt. She knows she and infertile dirt became one.

2) Many waywards want you to like them. They do not want you to remind others of their cheating. Their ranking in Marital 101. They flunked the course.

3) She wants to meet, greet the new women? Like "NO WAY" Jose. She will poison this new women with lies. She wants to open the womens chest and remove the fuse that connects to the bomb that this new women will likely launch at her.

4) She is a manipulator, Par Excellence. Like a Puppet Master, she wants you and everyone around her to be march to her tune. She pulls the string....you salute.

Tonight, in your bathroom......rearrange the strings.
When she pulls the strings that are connected to your heart strings and your saluting hand. She will get the BIRD and THE BOOT! The size-12 Boot.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #60 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

I recommend that you not enable your wayward wife. She is cake-eating and trying to set up a fantasy with an "amicable" separation. Even if you are a loving person, does that mean you should suffer the slings and arrows of her infidelity? No one should have to endure that kind of abuse. Your inaction allows your wayward wife to coast unscathed in her bad decisions and extremely harmful behavior. If I were you I would be seeking full custody of the child in light of the lifestyle she is choosing. Moreover, you have a responsibility to your personal dignity and well being to stop this abuse by ending the marriage. Stalling the divorce only hurts you as you risk losing months or even years of your life to quiet desperation. So sad is it to see betrayed spouses waffle and wallow in the filthy pit of their wayward spouse's adultery. Your mental well being is on life support. Why not seek to thrive? Life is too short.

While she is still in the fog and not concerned with property matters as much as getting her thrills, I would set up a meeting and negotiate a divorce on your own without attorneys. Your court house will probably have a do it yourself divorce process you can take part in. You can always have an attorney review your documents and if she lawyers up, you can too. But if she agrees to do this without lawyers and without a trial, you might be able to get out of this with minimal financial damage. I took this route and it worked out very well. But my wayward wife was cooperative and we split everything 50/50. No alimony, and we use a spreadsheet to divide the child expenses so no child support either.

Now that the divorce is final, I NEVER speak with her. I have gone dark, and it has saved me a world of hurt and anger. I've cut the cord clean and I am on my way to a much better place. It's a process, but the only way you can get through hell is to keep going.

Finally, though I recommend divorce, I don't like it. Marriage is for life, and couples should work out their differences and take the actions required to have a happy marriage. But when one bails out and isn't willing to take steps for the recovery of the marriage, then the other spouse must take action and not become a victim of abuse.
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