Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:37 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by kendonim View Post
Thanks. Wow, where were you all to give me advice before I got married, eh?

I'm seriously wondering if I'll ever legally tie the knot again.
I would never do it again.

Never

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post #62 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:40 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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I recommend that you not enable your wayward wife. She is cake-eating and trying to set up a fantasy with an "amicable" separation. Even if you are a loving person, does that mean you should suffer the slings and arrows of her infidelity? No one should have to endure that kind of abuse. Your inaction allows your wayward wife to coast unscathed in her bad decisions and extremely harmful behavior. If I were you I would be seeking full custody of the child in light of the lifestyle she is choosing. Moreover, you have a responsibility to your personal dignity and well being to stop this abuse by ending the marriage. Stalling the divorce only hurts you as you risk losing months or even years of your life to quiet desperation. So sad is it to see betrayed spouses waffle and wallow in the filthy pit of their wayward spouse's adultery. Your mental well being is on life support. Why not seek to thrive? Life is too short.

While she is still in the fog and not concerned with property matters as much as getting her thrills, I would set up a meeting and negotiate a divorce on your own without attorneys. Your court house will probably have a do it yourself divorce process you can take part in. You can always have an attorney review your documents and if she lawyers up, you can too. But if she agrees to do this without lawyers and without a trial, you might be able to get out of this with minimal financial damage. I took this route and it worked out very well. But my wayward wife was cooperative and we split everything 50/50. No alimony, and we use a spreadsheet to divide the child expenses so no child support either.

Now that the divorce is final, I NEVER speak with her. I have gone dark, and it has saved me a world of hurt and anger. I've cut the cord clean and I am on my way to a much better place. It's a process, but the only way you can get through hell is to keep going.

Finally, though I recommend divorce, I don't like it. Marriage is for life, and couples should work out their differences and take the actions required to have a happy marriage. But when one bails out and isn't willing to take steps for the recovery of the marriage, then the other spouse must take action and not become a victim of abuse.
In a word, this is brilliant advice.

And, it wouldn't hurt for you to pretend to be buddies if this is your plan.

The day she signs, you turn on the ice machine.

"Hey, let's go celebrate the divorce! I'm so glad we're such great friends through this!"

"Me too..., but no thanks, I have plans"
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post #63 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Update: After I went on a date on Tuesday, she completely freaked out, and started talking reconciliation. I told her if she sets up a couples therapy appointment for us, I will attend and in good faith, suspend dating others during the duration. My therapist also told me it would be good to be completely over this relationship before I start another, and I admit a big part of the thrill of starting to date again was to not feel the pain of my marriage ending. Come Thursday morning, I asked about the therapy appointment, and she was in one of her dark moods and said, "Oh, we're talking about that now? I suppose we should go, just to get closure." So yeah, she's either manic depressive or bipolar, but either way she's in a dark place. It's a holiday week, so next week is the big week. We either go into therapy or we hammer out the Separation Agreement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick Blaine View Post

While she is still in the fog and not concerned with property matters as much as getting her thrills, I would set up a meeting and negotiate a divorce on your own without attorneys. Your court house will probably have a do it yourself divorce process you can take part in. You can always have an attorney review your documents and if she lawyers up, you can too. But if she agrees to do this without lawyers and without a trial, you might be able to get out of this with minimal financial damage. I took this route and it worked out very well. But my wayward wife was cooperative and we split everything 50/50. No alimony, and we use a spreadsheet to divide the child expenses so no child support either.
That's exactly what I'll do next week with her if she doesn't make the therapy appointment. It probably makes sense to discuss asset division and child support anyway, even with the therapy. I drew up a list of all of our assets, so I'm ready.

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Originally Posted by Rick Blaine View Post
Now that the divorce is final, I NEVER speak with her. I have gone dark, and it has saved me a world of hurt and anger. I've cut the cord clean and I am on my way to a much better place. It's a process, but the only way you can get through hell is to keep going.
I don't think I need to do that. I'm not in a world of hurt and anger. Disappointed, for sure, but the way I see it, she just couldn't fight her depression and mood swings forever. The infidelity was her way of admitting defeat. She really did break up with all the men she'd been seeing, and intends to be alone for a while. She just has to get over seeing me move on.
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post #64 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

I think the other thing is that I have a lot of happy memories from this 14 year marriage, and if I cut her off completely, I'll have no one to share those memories with except the ones the kids remember. By keeping her as a friend, I can still cherish the good times. I think
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post #65 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 06:15 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by kendonim View Post
I think the other thing is that I have a lot of happy memories from this 14 year marriage, and if I cut her off completely, I'll have no one to share those memories with except the ones the kids remember. By keeping her as a friend, I can still cherish the good times. I think
Your kidding right? She isn't your friend and the more you view her and try to keep her as a friend the more she will take advantage of you right now. The more nice you act the less respect she will have for you. This isn't to say be mean, angry or bitter.

She only agreed to therapy to reel you back in, she doesn't want you to detach. She isn't genuine about the therapy and even if you get her to eventually go she will probably go for a few times, find issues and problems with the therapist, say it isn't working and quit going.

Your excusing her behavior under depression/mental issues yet she isn't seeking any help for those and apparently unwilling to even acknowledge they may be a problem for her. She won't have some magic awakening. Your playing her game and your not going to win.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #66 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 09:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Your kidding right? She isn't your friend and the more you view her and try to keep her as a friend the more she will take advantage of you right now. The more nice you act the less respect she will have for you. This isn't to say be mean, angry or bitter.

She only agreed to therapy to reel you back in, she doesn't want you to detach. She isn't genuine about the therapy and even if you get her to eventually go she will probably go for a few times, find issues and problems with the therapist, say it isn't working and quit going.

Your excusing her behavior under depression/mental issues yet she isn't seeking any help for those and apparently unwilling to even acknowledge they may be a problem for her. She won't have some magic awakening. Your playing her game and your not going to win.
Hey you're totally right; what I really meant was 'keep things friendly', not have her as an actual friend. I'm not going to schedule outings with her, but we see each other a lot due to kid handoffs and spending time with our autistic son is easiest done together. But as for her going to therapy, you are 100% right, if she does go at all, it will only be for a few sessions. I'm really looking forward to getting divorced now. I told her tomorrow we are going to start preliminary work on the separation agreement.
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post #67 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 09:28 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

What bothers me is:
You've decided to stop dating--- you shouldn't.

You think your memories won't be poisoned--- they will be. You'll see.

You are actually considering going to therapy--- you don't need it, and she doesn't want it.

If she straightens up for a few weeks, you'd take her back.

I've been through this. No contact other than kids is best. The fact that you haves an autistic child is going to make getting over her far more difficult.

My suggestion: keep dating.
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post #68 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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What bothers me is:
You've decided to stop dating--- you shouldn't.

You think your memories won't be poisoned--- they will be. You'll see.

You are actually considering going to therapy--- you don't need it, and she doesn't want it.

If she straightens up for a few weeks, you'd take her back.

I've been through this. No contact other than kids is best. The fact that you haves an autistic child is going to make getting over her far more difficult.

My suggestion: keep dating.
Yeah that's bothering me too. It's also true though that a lot of the women on dating sites that I'd hoped would write back didn't, and I think it is because my status is Separated and not Divorced. So I'm going to push hard to resolve my situation, rather than content myself with just the women who accept my current status. But you're right, I will resume dating again, since she made it clear that therapy isn't really going to happen or if it does, change anything. I still have a date lined up for Tuesday night
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post #69 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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I would never do it again.

Never
I hear ya. The romantic in me thinks I can get it right next time, but the pragmatist sees your point.
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post #70 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by kendonim View Post
I think the other thing is that I have a lot of happy memories from this 14 year marriage, and if I cut her off completely, I'll have no one to share those memories with except the ones the kids remember. By keeping her as a friend, I can still cherish the good times. I think
Oh wow, so do you accept demotions at work and say OK because I don't want to lose the good memories of when I earned so much more and was respected in this company?

That probably wouldn't be an option for you. You would start setting up interviews and sending off resumes.

Why do you accept the crumbs she Offers? Who owns your backbone?


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #71 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 05:09 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by kendonim View Post
I think the other thing is that I have a lot of happy memories from this 14 year marriage, and if I cut her off completely, I'll have no one to share those memories with except the ones the kids remember. By keeping her as a friend, I can still cherish the good times. I think
This is really flawed thinking.....You are going to screw yourself good if you don't get your head on straight and get away from this crazy woman.
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post #72 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 05:36 AM
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Cool Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kendonim View Post
I think the other thing is that I have a lot of happy memories from this 14 year marriage, and if I cut her off completely, I'll have no one to share those memories with except the ones the kids remember. By keeping her as a friend, I can still cherish the good times. I think
OK, let's do the math!

Lots of happy memories minus the memories of her deception when she unconscionably cheated on you by sharing with other strange, lacivious men what she had solemnly vowed before God, clergy, you and community to honor only you with!

The emotional sum ought to have greatly surpassed "negative numbers" by this point in time!

If you have just a single drop of red oxygenated blood left within the hollow confines of your body, you ought to be totally disgusted by just the sheer sight of her by now!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #73 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 06:28 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Pull you head out of your ass wipe the **** out of your eyes and realise its over! This woman is bat **** crazy! Keep pushing for divorce. Or be stuck wrapped in in her bull **** wasting days weeks months years stuck in limbo!

Thats all i got for you!

Good luck
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post #74 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 03:21 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

What state do live in where you have 2/3 custody and the support goes way down?

Quote:
Figure out how to get custody of our daughter Sunday evening through Friday evening - all school nights. If I have custody 2/3 of the time, the child support goes way down.
That's primary custody, in my state she'd be paying you. Yes, I had my daughter 2.5 days and my ex had her 4.5, she didn't pay anything.

If she EVER agrees to this, RUN to the court house and get the papers submitted before she changes her mind.
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post #75 of 101 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 05:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Oh wow, so do you accept demotions at work and say OK because I don't want to lose the good memories of when I earned so much more and was respected in this company?

That probably wouldn't be an option for you. You would start setting up interviews and sending off resumes.

Why do you accept the crumbs she Offers? Who owns your backbone?
I've really taken this to heart. I keep reciting the phrase 'demoted' in my mind. She's definitely trying to remain close, but as long as she's living in a separate apartment and can't say the L-word ... it's a demotion.
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