Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 05:27 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by Betrayedone View Post
This is really flawed thinking.....You are going to screw yourself good if you don't get your head on straight and get away from this crazy woman.
Kendomin, she is keeping you on a hook so you can be her Plan B. Get off that hook and run as fast as your legs can take you.

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post #77 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Your kidding right? She isn't your friend and the more you view her and try to keep her as a friend the more she will take advantage of you right now. The more nice you act the less respect she will have for you. This isn't to say be mean, angry or bitter.

She only agreed to therapy to reel you back in, she doesn't want you to detach. She isn't genuine about the therapy and even if you get her to eventually go she will probably go for a few times, find issues and problems with the therapist, say it isn't working and quit going.

Your excusing her behavior under depression/mental issues yet she isn't seeking any help for those and apparently unwilling to even acknowledge they may be a problem for her. She won't have some magic awakening. Your playing her game and your not going to win.
I'm also re-reading this carefully, this is good insight too. She doesn't want me to detach because otherwise she'd be utterly lonely in this world, but frankly every night she makes a choice to stay separated in her apartment. If she really wanted to patch things up, she'd start apologizing and asking to move back in. Plain and simple. She's definitely NOT interested in therapy and has said many times she hates therapy. And right, while she indeed may suffer from mental issues, there's no point in entertaining reconciliation if she's not seeking help for them.

You guys are toughening me up, which is good! Not in a defiant way, because I can't keep up negative energy for long, but in a sobering, realistic way. Hopefully tonight we can sit down and talk money.
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post #78 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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What state do live in where you have 2/3 custody and the support goes way down?
I'm going to try to convince my wife to simply allow me to take on most of our daughter's expenses (after-care, camp, college, computers) rather than pay formal child support.
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post #79 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:03 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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I'm also re-reading this carefully, this is good insight too. She doesn't want me to detach because otherwise she'd be utterly lonely in this world, but frankly every night she makes a choice to stay separated in her apartment. If she really wanted to patch things up, she'd start apologizing and asking to move back in. Plain and simple. She's definitely NOT interested in therapy and has said many times she hates therapy. And right, while she indeed may suffer from mental issues, there's no point in entertaining reconciliation if she's not seeking help for them.

You guys are toughening me up, which is good! Not in a defiant way, because I can't keep up negative energy for long, but in a sobering, realistic way. Hopefully tonight we can sit down and talk money.
Whew, now you may be getting somewhere where you won't get royally screwed. It`needs to be all business from here on out with her. The marriage contract needs to end because she broke the vows/clauses of that contract. Get the best possible deal you can get from her now. She is not you friend, that is not what YOU signed up for. You will end what she started amicably because you have a child with her, but that is it.

Stay focused when you talk to her and don't deviate. She is very cunning and will try to reel you back in to string you along. Don't believe words. Actions speak louder than words in these type of situations.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #80 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 02:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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She is very cunning and will try to reel you back in to string you along. Don't believe words. Actions speak louder than words in these type of situations.
I will keep repeating to myself, "Actions speak louder than words."
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post #81 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:39 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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I hear ya. The romantic in me thinks I can get it right next time, but the pragmatist sees your point.
I can testify....

The minute you realize the "next one" is going bad, the feeling of helplessness is like no other.

I fought through it and got to the other side.

Talk about a test of wills.

I would wish that on no one.
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post #82 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:41 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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I'm also re-reading this carefully, this is good insight too. She doesn't want me to detach because otherwise she'd be utterly lonely in this world, but frankly every night she makes a choice to stay separated in her apartment. If she really wanted to patch things up, she'd start apologizing and asking to move back in. Plain and simple. She's definitely NOT interested in therapy and has said many times she hates therapy. And right, while she indeed may suffer from mental issues, there's no point in entertaining reconciliation if she's not seeking help for them.

You guys are toughening me up, which is good! Not in a defiant way, because I can't keep up negative energy for long, but in a sobering, realistic way. Hopefully tonight we can sit down and talk money.
You only defeat the dynamic of the drama triangle as the prosecutor.

In other words, you let HER experience the consequences of her choices.

Let her manage her life.

You may be surprised at her reaction. If you try to put a smile on her face, no enlightenment is possible.
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post #83 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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I've really taken this to heart. I keep reciting the phrase 'demoted' in my mind. She's definitely trying to remain close, but as long as she's living in a separate apartment and can't say the L-word ... it's a demotion.
Dont kid yourself, this is not a demotion, you have been FIRED. Time to start treating it as such.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #84 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Hi all, an update.

My wife and I met to discuss splitting the finances. I'd say it went well; she agrees to let me keep assets I came into the marriage with. This means the entire downpayment for the house I keep She also is being very reasonable about what she needs for the child support payments.

Is it possible to split the 401k in such a way that her share can go directly into her own 403b account?
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post #85 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

IF you can successfully negotiate this, you are beyond lucky.
GET OUT>

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post #86 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Definition of friend = loyal, honest, trustworthy.

She fired you for two other guys. It wasn't just a demotion.

If you were fired from your job would you go back and help out just because?????

I doubt she's cut off the others. Cheaters in case you haven't noticed are notorious liars.

Your best bet is once you get this over cut off the unnecessary contact. Other women and there are better ones out there will not stay in a relationship where an X is actively involved. How would you like it?

You're figuring it out. Keep going until you are fully awakened and then your path forward will be much easier.
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post #87 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 10:03 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by kendonim View Post
Update: After I went on a date on Tuesday, she completely freaked out, and started talking reconciliation. I told her if she sets up a couples therapy appointment for us, I will attend and in good faith, suspend dating others during the duration. My therapist also told me it would be good to be completely over this relationship before I start another, and I admit a big part of the thrill of starting to date again was to not feel the pain of my marriage ending. Come Thursday morning, I asked about the therapy appointment, and she was in one of her dark moods and said, "Oh, we're talking about that now? I suppose we should go, just to get closure." So yeah, she's either manic depressive or bipolar, but either way she's in a dark place. It's a holiday week, so next week is the big week. We either go into therapy or we hammer out the Separation Agreement.



That's exactly what I'll do next week with her if she doesn't make the therapy appointment. It probably makes sense to discuss asset division and child support anyway, even with the therapy. I drew up a list of all of our assets, so I'm ready.



I don't think I need to do that. I'm not in a world of hurt and anger. Disappointed, for sure, but the way I see it, she just couldn't fight her depression and mood swings forever. The infidelity was her way of admitting defeat. She really did break up with all the men she'd been seeing, and intends to be alone for a while. She just has to get over seeing me move on.

Dude... you are not listening.

She's a cheater. A lowdown, good for nothing, selfish, lying cheater who has blown up her life and is scrambling to maintain control of you while juggling her boyfriends.

You are dealing with an self-obsessed, disturbed person. She doesn't have bi-polar disorder. She's not crazy. She s a cheater trying to keep you on the hook while waiting for her married boyfriend to dump his wife and move in with her. That's a hard juggling act for anyone to perform. Those periods when she is nice to you are when she is fighting with her OM.

She is playing you. Playing you like a cheap fiddle. Get your head out of your butt.

Lose the house. I'd rather live in a cardboard box under a bridge than live one more day with a woman who has no respect for me.
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post #88 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 10:05 AM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Hi all, an update.

My wife and I met to discuss splitting the finances. I'd say it went well; she agrees to let me keep assets I came into the marriage with. This means the entire downpayment for the house I keep She also is being very reasonable about what she needs for the child support payments.

Is it possible to split the 401k in such a way that her share can go directly into her own 403b account?
Quit meeting with her. Why do you do that? Communicate by text only.
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post #89 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 11:18 AM
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Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Last edited by 225985; 05-01-2017 at 06:36 PM.
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post #90 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 09:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Quit meeting with her. Why do you do that? Communicate by text only.
We have 2 kids, one of which is autistic. We are going to continue to be good parents.

I have resumed dating, the biggest obstacle is not my separated spouse but my daughter, who still wants to be able to see me every night, even on the nights she's supposed to be at mom's place. It's hard on her.
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