Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 11:56 AM Thread Starter
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Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

My wife and I went through a previous separation in 2014; I moved out to an apartment to give us space to heal. We seemed close to divorce then, but we weren't seeing other people and we missed each other so much I came back. I took some courses, read some books, and over the next year evolved into what I believe to be a great husband. By the second half of 2015 I thought we were doing great. We planned a trip to Italy for summer 2016 as a second honeymoon. But around this time of the year last year, she started talking about splitting again. Her mother calmed her down, and we went on the trip as planned and had a fabulous time. The second half of 2016 was honestly like a dream. So many trips & events, spending time together all the time (we watched all of LOST), talking about what we'd do when the kids moved out, etc. Come December, her mom had a heart transplant and was at the hospital for a month. During this time I was very supportive, and visited her mother often. I felt the model husband, and very much part of the family. But my wife says seeing her mother go through that heart transplant convinced her that life was short and she needed a fresh start. In January of this year she got a promotion, so for the first time she has a viable enough salary to be on her own. So you guessed it - I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. She refused to touch me. Trying to keep the marriage and family together, we agreed upon an open marriage. At first, things were good. She was getting lots of attention from guys but hadn't met any of them yet, and was taking out all that tension on me. Our sex life was never better than it was in February. But you guessed it ... once she started having physical contact, she withdrew from me completely and moved into the guest room. I told her to cut it all out; she wouldn't. She moved out and got an apartment.

So she's still seeing this guy or guys - and now she hosts at her new place - but yet this past weekend, I went on a date while she watched our daughter, and she got extremely jealous. Is that normal? She refuses to go to counseling. She refuses to stop seeing her man/men. But yet when I asked to get the divorce over with, she came up with all sorts of excuses - work is busy, she was still buying furniture for the place, etc. Is it normal for a woman to separate but not actually push for divorce? Maybe she's just worried about actual financial independence - I've always taken care of the bills?

Thoughts? Comments?

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post #2 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:11 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

The cheek of you to move on with your life,you are supposed to pine for her and when she has enough strange she will probably come back.Seriously buddy you are doing exactly what you should be doing.Have her served,preferably at work and get on with your life.
If you want to try reconciliation then she has to do the heavy lifting,do not be the sap she wants you to be.
You are doing fine,keep it up.
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post #3 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
The cheek of you to move on with your life,you are supposed to pine for her and when she has enough strange she will probably come back.Seriously buddy you are doing exactly what you should be doing.Have her served,preferably at work and get on with your life.
If you want to try reconciliation then she has to do the heavy lifting,do not be the sap she wants you to be.
You are doing fine,keep it up.
Thanks Andy!
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post #4 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Do not fall for the bs OP. Take this from a woman: she'll only respect you less if you respond the way she seems to want you to respond. You've been super nice and accommodating in the past since she first started talking about splitting, which is why she's expecting you to still go along with what she's doing now.

Pretend you do not give a crap about what she's doing, pretend that you deserve a much more respectable/respectful woman (that should be easy because you don't even need to pretend) and start the process of moving on with your life. She needs to realize that you're not one of the idiots she's been getting attention from since she started advertising herself as a married woman who was open to sex with strangers.

You deserve better. You know this.
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post #5 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

OP,
Plan B. Some do not like performing without a net.
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post #6 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
Do not fall for the bs OP. Take this from a woman: she'll only respect you less if you respond the way she seems to want you to respond. You've been super nice and accommodating in the past since she first started talking about splitting, which is why she's expecting you to still go along with what she's doing now.

Pretend you do not give a crap about what she's doing, pretend that you deserve a much more respectable/respectful woman (that should be easy because you don't even need to pretend) and start the process of moving on with your life. She needs to realize that you're not one of the idiots she's been getting attention from since she started advertising herself as a married woman who was open to sex with strangers.

You deserve better. You know this.
It's hard to believe that my wife of 14 years just dumped me for these other married guys, but here we are. You're absolutely right; I don't want her continuing to be hitched to my wagon in any form. I just keep thinking I'll wake up and it's all a bad dream.
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post #7 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:26 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

She is a piece of fecal matter. Isn't that funny, she's getting boned by the new guy and you have a date and she goes ballistic? I would send her a sheaf of divorce papers that will make her head swim. Afterward, I'd be the most vindictive SOB on the planet. You blow up the marriage because "Life's too short" and then get pissed because he is moving on?

Best line from an acquaintance, he looked his soon to be ex straight in the face and said, "I do not want to be divorced, I want to be widowed." His ex stopped acting like a shytte right at that moment. He said it as a joke, but it scared her into thinking straight. She dumped the AP. Stopped being vindictive and straightened up. Six months later she was asking for another try.

Last edited by Taxman; 04-03-2017 at 03:30 PM.
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post #8 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

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Originally Posted by kendonim View Post
but yet this past weekend, I went on a date while she watched our daughter, and she got extremely jealous. Is that normal? She refuses to go to counseling. She refuses to stop seeing her man/men. But yet when I asked to get the divorce over with, she came up with all sorts of excuses - work is busy, she was still buying furniture for the place, etc. Is it normal for a woman to separate but not actually push for divorce? Maybe she's just worried about actual financial independence - I've always taken care of the bills?

Thoughts? Comments?
Why are you wasting your time with this drama? Through your whole marriage she has no idea. This will be her life, she is not a good candidate to have a long lasting relationship. Don't feel bad she gave you the best she had. It's just that she doesn't have much.
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post #9 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:34 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Thoughts and prayers for you, your children, and for your new divorce lawyer. May his sword swing true.

Just making reasonable assumptions here.

Last edited by will0810; 04-03-2017 at 03:39 PM.
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post #10 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Why aren't you filing for divorce? You are holding on to she picks you in the end? Why would you settle for that? You need to get some confidence. Time to focus on YOU. Gym, eating/drinking healthy 99% of the time. Go see a therapist. It's time to thrive and have fun again.

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post #11 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:58 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
The cheek of you to move on with your life,you are supposed to pine for her and when she has enough strange she will probably come back.Seriously buddy you are doing exactly what you should be doing.Have her served,preferably at work and get on with your life.
If you want to try reconciliation then she has to do the heavy lifting,do not be the sap she wants you to be.
You are doing fine,keep it up.
This!

Definitely have her served, she expects you to be fine with seeing other guys but when you want to see others see has a problem...double standard!! Another example of an open marriage not working.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #12 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:06 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Your wife has no love for you whatsoever, and is so entitled and self-centered that she thinks somehow YOU should remain loyal to HER in spite of the way she treats you.
There's no way you should delay divorcing this pathetic excuse for a wife.
Stop worrying about what she thinks, who and what she does; put her in your rear-view like you should have done a long time ago. Stop letting her call all the shots.
Open Marriage?
That's not a marriage at all.
JMO,
Good luck
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post #13 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:19 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

You my friend, have become her safety net in case it does not work out with her boyfriend. You will remain so until she is certain that her boyfriend will support her and is the right man to marry. Separation is just another way of saying that I want to be able to see my boyfriend without having to lie to you each time. One of the main components of love is to want to stay with your lover as much as possible. Once that is not desirable, the love is gone and love cannot be willed into or out of existence. She is playing you. She wants a boyfriend but does not want you to have one. Some may even call this cuckolding since cuckolding is when the wife has sex with others but the husband does not. Her jealousy is not out of love. Jealousy is made of insecurity and fear of loss. She fears that her safety net will be removed if he falls in love with another girl. Don't be one of those men who grasp as straws to avoid what he knows is the truth.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #14 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

What's stopping you from having her served with divorce papers?

It's not like you have a marriage to salvage. You're living like roommates.... Less than since she has her own place. Agreeing to open the marriage was like giving a giant middle finger to the relationship as a whole. You may as well drop the other shoe.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #15 of 103 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 05:42 PM
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Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

The reason she isn't pushing for divorce has nothing to do with you, it's time to wake up and realize this cold hard fact. She's not coming back, well not to you.

She comes home to her comfortable home, her established lifestyle, she doesn't want the inconvenience, the stigma, the sharing of children (if you have any) that happens with divorce. If she's making more than you are, perhaps she's worried about having to pay you support.

It's understandable, she gets to do whatever she wants with whomever she wants, without giving up the creature comforts established during the marriage; but this is probably not how you want to be living your life.

She's living a fantasy just like you are. Yours is that this is all a bad dream and she'll suddenly drop all of her external affairs and come running into your arms and you'll live happily ever after, she sounds like the type that won't leave until her affair partner agrees to share their lives together- but that usually doesn't happen even if that's her particular fantasy.

If a decision is going to be made any time soon it needs to come from you.
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