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Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

17K views 102 replies 34 participants last post by  aine 
#1 ·
My wife and I went through a previous separation in 2014; I moved out to an apartment to give us space to heal. We seemed close to divorce then, but we weren't seeing other people and we missed each other so much I came back. I took some courses, read some books, and over the next year evolved into what I believe to be a great husband. By the second half of 2015 I thought we were doing great. We planned a trip to Italy for summer 2016 as a second honeymoon. But around this time of the year last year, she started talking about splitting again. Her mother calmed her down, and we went on the trip as planned and had a fabulous time. The second half of 2016 was honestly like a dream. So many trips & events, spending time together all the time (we watched all of LOST), talking about what we'd do when the kids moved out, etc. Come December, her mom had a heart transplant and was at the hospital for a month. During this time I was very supportive, and visited her mother often. I felt the model husband, and very much part of the family. But my wife says seeing her mother go through that heart transplant convinced her that life was short and she needed a fresh start. In January of this year she got a promotion, so for the first time she has a viable enough salary to be on her own. So you guessed it - I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. She refused to touch me. Trying to keep the marriage and family together, we agreed upon an open marriage. At first, things were good. She was getting lots of attention from guys but hadn't met any of them yet, and was taking out all that tension on me. Our sex life was never better than it was in February. But you guessed it ... once she started having physical contact, she withdrew from me completely and moved into the guest room. I told her to cut it all out; she wouldn't. She moved out and got an apartment.

So she's still seeing this guy or guys - and now she hosts at her new place - but yet this past weekend, I went on a date while she watched our daughter, and she got extremely jealous. Is that normal? She refuses to go to counseling. She refuses to stop seeing her man/men. But yet when I asked to get the divorce over with, she came up with all sorts of excuses - work is busy, she was still buying furniture for the place, etc. Is it normal for a woman to separate but not actually push for divorce? Maybe she's just worried about actual financial independence - I've always taken care of the bills?

Thoughts? Comments?
 
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#2 ·
The cheek of you to move on with your life,you are supposed to pine for her and when she has enough strange she will probably come back.Seriously buddy you are doing exactly what you should be doing.Have her served,preferably at work and get on with your life.
If you want to try reconciliation then she has to do the heavy lifting,do not be the sap she wants you to be.
You are doing fine,keep it up.
 
#4 ·
Do not fall for the bs OP. Take this from a woman: she'll only respect you less if you respond the way she seems to want you to respond. You've been super nice and accommodating in the past since she first started talking about splitting, which is why she's expecting you to still go along with what she's doing now.

Pretend you do not give a crap about what she's doing, pretend that you deserve a much more respectable/respectful woman (that should be easy because you don't even need to pretend) and start the process of moving on with your life. She needs to realize that you're not one of the idiots she's been getting attention from since she started advertising herself as a married woman who was open to sex with strangers.

You deserve better. You know this.
 
#6 ·
It's hard to believe that my wife of 14 years just dumped me for these other married guys, but here we are. You're absolutely right; I don't want her continuing to be hitched to my wagon in any form. I just keep thinking I'll wake up and it's all a bad dream.
 
#7 · (Edited)
She is a piece of fecal matter. Isn't that funny, she's getting boned by the new guy and you have a date and she goes ballistic? I would send her a sheaf of divorce papers that will make her head swim. Afterward, I'd be the most vindictive SOB on the planet. You blow up the marriage because "Life's too short" and then get pissed because he is moving on?

Best line from an acquaintance, he looked his soon to be ex straight in the face and said, "I do not want to be divorced, I want to be widowed." His ex stopped acting like a shytte right at that moment. He said it as a joke, but it scared her into thinking straight. She dumped the AP. Stopped being vindictive and straightened up. Six months later she was asking for another try.
 
#8 ·
but yet this past weekend, I went on a date while she watched our daughter, and she got extremely jealous. Is that normal? She refuses to go to counseling. She refuses to stop seeing her man/men. But yet when I asked to get the divorce over with, she came up with all sorts of excuses - work is busy, she was still buying furniture for the place, etc. Is it normal for a woman to separate but not actually push for divorce? Maybe she's just worried about actual financial independence - I've always taken care of the bills?

Thoughts? Comments?
Why are you wasting your time with this drama? Through your whole marriage she has no idea. This will be her life, she is not a good candidate to have a long lasting relationship. Don't feel bad she gave you the best she had. It's just that she doesn't have much.
 
#12 ·
Your wife has no love for you whatsoever, and is so entitled and self-centered that she thinks somehow YOU should remain loyal to HER in spite of the way she treats you.
There's no way you should delay divorcing this pathetic excuse for a wife.
Stop worrying about what she thinks, who and what she does; put her in your rear-view like you should have done a long time ago. Stop letting her call all the shots.
Open Marriage?
That's not a marriage at all.
JMO,
Good luck
 
#13 ·
You my friend, have become her safety net in case it does not work out with her boyfriend. You will remain so until she is certain that her boyfriend will support her and is the right man to marry. Separation is just another way of saying that I want to be able to see my boyfriend without having to lie to you each time. One of the main components of love is to want to stay with your lover as much as possible. Once that is not desirable, the love is gone and love cannot be willed into or out of existence. She is playing you. She wants a boyfriend but does not want you to have one. Some may even call this cuckolding since cuckolding is when the wife has sex with others but the husband does not. Her jealousy is not out of love. Jealousy is made of insecurity and fear of loss. She fears that her safety net will be removed if he falls in love with another girl. Don't be one of those men who grasp as straws to avoid what he knows is the truth.
 
#14 ·
What's stopping you from having her served with divorce papers?

It's not like you have a marriage to salvage. You're living like roommates.... Less than since she has her own place. Agreeing to open the marriage was like giving a giant middle finger to the relationship as a whole. You may as well drop the other shoe.
 
#15 ·
The reason she isn't pushing for divorce has nothing to do with you, it's time to wake up and realize this cold hard fact. She's not coming back, well not to you.

She comes home to her comfortable home, her established lifestyle, she doesn't want the inconvenience, the stigma, the sharing of children (if you have any) that happens with divorce. If she's making more than you are, perhaps she's worried about having to pay you support.

It's understandable, she gets to do whatever she wants with whomever she wants, without giving up the creature comforts established during the marriage; but this is probably not how you want to be living your life.

She's living a fantasy just like you are. Yours is that this is all a bad dream and she'll suddenly drop all of her external affairs and come running into your arms and you'll live happily ever after, she sounds like the type that won't leave until her affair partner agrees to share their lives together- but that usually doesn't happen even if that's her particular fantasy.

If a decision is going to be made any time soon it needs to come from you.
 
#16 ·
I really needed to hear all of this. Honestly I haven't gotten a lawyer yet because it all happened so damn fast. Tomorrow friends I will make the call!

The part I'm really struggling with is all the love and affection she gave me during the good times, does what's happening now taint those memories? Are women sometimes this fickle?
 
#18 ·
The part I'm really struggling with is all the love and affection she gave me during the good times, does what's happening now taint those memories? Are women sometimes this fickle?
Don't confuse love with getting ones "rocks off."

Yes, women can do this, too.

Can you give some concrete examples of how she made you feel loved, that doesn't have anything to do with sex and intimacy?
 
#19 ·
It's called cake eating. You are a babysitter, safety net, Plan B, enabler.

youve done nothing but talk so you are where you are.

You apparently gave her an open marriage to try and pacify and nice her back.

In order for you to have a life you have to fix yourself and end this if you want one.

It's totally up to you. No one else is going to do it for you.
 
#20 ·
You need to implement the 180 and detach. You need to see a lawyer and get advised on how and when to end this sham of a marriage.

You need to go out and date too. Just so that you don't get depressed. She doesn't want her security blanket to belong to someone else. She is like a child that won't play with her old toy, but doesn't want anyone else to play with it either.

You are NOT a security blanket nor her toy!

Entitled, nasty piece of woman, and a sad excuse for a wife too.:(
 
#22 ·
Re: Is it common for her to not push for divorce yet?

Of course it is! Classic cake eater mentality. Classic cheater speak and behavior. This does NOT mean she loves you and will eventually love and respect you. It's quite the contrary. So get out of her spiraling down ways, or you are in for more hurt and loss of precious time.
 
#25 ·
Hi all,

A few updates:
1) I have some closure now about how the good times seemed so good yet here we are. I believe she suffers from depression, and has highs & lows. Her mother's heart transplant triggered her low.
2) She gave me a little more detail about who she is seeing. One married guy and one very unmarried guy. The unmarried guy works on the same street she does. He apparently, "makes her laugh".
3) She claims she is breaking off with both of them and just wants to be alone. Apparently the unmarried guy is very upset.
4) I met with a lawyer. Divorce would be absolute financial ruin for me. It turns out my best option, financially, is just to stay separated. She hasn't indicated that she will push for divorce any time soon.
5) We're getting along civilly.
 
#30 ·
I did. Right now, assuming she insists on a 50/50 split, I lose the marital home, and with $2000 a month additionally going to her in child support, I might have to move in with my parents. The child support may not end for another 12 years. I discovered why the child support equation sucks so bad. It is calculated with before-tax numbers, not actual take-home pay. Also, I received some stock options the past few years that I cashed in recently, inflating my salary far beyond what it actually is. If I wait a few years, those cash-ins won't be held against me and the child support figure will be much lower.
 
#31 ·
Given those numbers it may make sense to wait, during which time perhaps you can make some changes in your finances so you get a more favorable settlement. Some people make "gifts" to trusted family members.. you know a few thousand here, a few thousand there. Cash in a few investment accounts. If anyone asks, you went on a gambling spree and lost it all. The "lookback" period during a divorce is usually about 3 years, longer than that no one will ask you where the money went, it won't be subject to equitable distribution.

Meanwhile, you just need to disconnect. Go live your own life. She's just a roommate/business partner, nothing more.

One problem is you're still responsible for any of her debts obtained during the marriage. So don't pay it off, hopefully she'll be limited by her available credit.

The other problem is the longer you're married, the more you may have to pay in spousal support in terms of amount and duration. Might want to check your state laws on how that works.
 
#33 ·
Given those numbers it may make sense to wait, during which time perhaps you can make some changes in your finances so you get a more favorable settlement.
Oh yeah, forgot the other piece. She only went back into the work force a year and a half ago. Her salary is still on the climb. Mine has stabilized. Every year she's going to gain on me, making the child support distribution more equitable.

One problem is you're still responsible for any of her debts obtained during the marriage. So don't pay it off, hopefully she'll be limited by her available credit.
All of those are long paid off. My only debt is my mortgage.

The other problem is the longer you're married, the more you may have to pay in spousal support in terms of amount and duration. Might want to check your state laws on how that works.
Yes the lawyer went over that with me. My daughter is young enough that child support is the only issue I need to be concerned about for many years to come. She is in 4th grade. If she doesn't go to college, that's 8 years of child support. Community college, 10 years. 4 year school, 12 years, which is the max because you can stop paying when the child reaches 23 anyway. If we divorce in 12 years, I may have to pay 5-10 years of alimony instead. However, like I said her salary may be much higher at that point, plus I can argue to the judge that she's been living apart from me for 12 years and is used to her standard of living from her own salary.

The math to decide to divorce now would be the expectation of huge earnings up ahead that I don't want to split with her. But since my child support would be $24k a year of after-tax dollars ... I doubt it. I'll review the numbers anyway, maybe I don't need to move in with my parents.
 
#32 ·
What is the custody split? What is the current custody? Your in the home your daughter home, how much time does she get to spend in her (meaning your daughter) home? Or is the apartment now her home.

So separated with a do not tell, do not ask for both of you?

A civil and polite 180 with discussions limited to your daughter and joint finances is needed. Also work on keeping your finances separated.
 
#35 ·
What is the custody split? What is the current custody? Your in the home your daughter home, how much time does she get to spend in her (meaning your daughter) home? Or is the apartment now her home.
Right now it's 50/50. If I can convince my wife to have custody 5 days a week, the child support goes down dramatically.

So separated with a do not tell, do not ask for both of you?
On her side. She's been quite curious so far about my dates. And my ideal is to have a new woman move into the house.

A civil and polite 180 with discussions limited to your daughter and joint finances is needed. Also work on keeping your finances separated.
We still have joint credit cards, but we're communicating very well about upcoming purchases. Otherwise the money (& cars) are all in my name.

I think I'm doing the 180 pretty well so far. If she's not lying, she's actually broken off contact with her cadre of men, which is a start. It gave me real chuckles to see her get so jealous when I started dating again. Also, her "inner storyboard" is feeding her all this stuff about how she wasn't happy in the marriage, and tainting all the good memories. Yet I'm being my usual jocular self with her, keeping things tension free, and basically making it harder and harder to tell herself that she didn't enjoy spending time with me. I mean, she called me at 6:53 AM today, ostensibly to ask about our daughter, but she's starting to find excuses to call all the time now. I never ask about our future, I never indicate I'm going to stop going on dates, she sees I'm losing weight. We'll see where this all goes.
 
#36 ·
Look like you've made enough excuse to justify staying in this.
Right now it's really more about taking every day as it comes, and not planning ahead too far.

Better get s good supply of confoms do you don't catch anything off your wayward wife. If she'll let you have sex with her.
I will certainly not push for that. I'm curious if at some point she'll try something. I need to be strong. No reconciliation without counseling! And a massive apology. And ... gosh, I don't know how you really repair this. But I do look back on the good times fondly.
 
#38 ·
$2K a month in CS? There must be a huge disparity in income if you all are planning 50/50. I would highly recommend checking with another attorney to get a second or even third opinion. Research also suggests that Mass still has at-fault divorce that could be used to ease your financial situation with regards to divorce.

I'm sorry, I not sure how you find it okay that your wife is banging other men. If she is that unhappy in your marriage, let her go find her happiness...without you.

It sounds as though you have made up your mind to stay in this weird relationship, so I'm not going to waste a bunch of words. I can only imagine what you tell your daughter about what is going on. Just remember, kids learn by watching what their parents do. What are you teaching your daughter about a healthy relationship?
 
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