Thank you TAM for exposing my husband - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 116Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:33 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,662
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by KrissyR View Post
Husband and I were together for almost 6 years, married 3 and he wanted a separation a month ago out of nowhere. I have been staying at my parents house 3 hours away since and we have 2 young kids. I definitely own up to the part I played to get here (nagging/not meeting all his needs/jealousy), but i didnt think it was enough for all this to transpire. When he acted the same way a few years back he begged me to work on it and so i loved him enough to stay. We were doing really well till he got a job promotion and we had to move where we knew nobody. I always supported him in his job endeavors. He put all his effort into providing for his family and its a big reason i loved him. What made me so down is he started focusing too much on work. He worked all day then came home and talked to coworkers on the phone instead of me so i started to feel negative towards him.
Since we have been separated i have been working on myself and reading all these marriage books even though he told me he didnt love me anymore and he was emotionally done. I stayed positive even though he was acting cold and distant.
I read the posts on TAM obsessively and saw that the way he was acting, there is probably another girl. I didnt want to believe it bc we had so much love for each other. He WAS such a loving and respectful man. I denied it and tried to stay positive for a few weeks. But after my kids came home from the weekend at his place, they told me they hung out with a female coworker of his that i used to have jealousy issues with before. I looked through our bank statements and **** started adding up. Today I finally confronted him and he admitted he was seeing her and another woman. He put all the blame of our marriage failing on me and said he doesnt feel bad at all. I was so freaking heartbroken. I was trying so hard and being so nice that I was practically being a doormat. But thank you to these forums I finally realized what was going on and had the courage to confront him. None of the separation made complete sense to me but i see why now. I believe he was having an emotional affair before he said he wanted the separation. He denies it but u dont just start feeling feelings within a week after u separate. I would have NEVER believed it. Spouses are so sick. Never will have respect for him again.
If your spouse wants a separation out of nowhere, please BEWARE! Ask questions and confront them! It has been so painful bc i was working toward a R but now its a done deal. I let him control all the boundaries of the separation and listened to everthring he said bc I loved and trusted him. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW before you realize ur just wasting ur time and energy on a piece of ****
Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
Krissy, so sorry for what you are going through
This man is no longer the man you married. He is blaming you because that is what cheaters do, they do not take responsibility for their own actions.

Make sure all family, his included knows what he has done.
You should consider letting his work place know such as the HR department. Surely his OW colleague knows he is married with kids.
Talk to a lawyer, of course he wants mediation, do not let him call the shots on the seperation and divorce, he wants it as easy as possible, don't let him control the situation.
Go 180 on him, go to IC, take care of yourself, move on with your life and kids.

The fact he only wants to see the kids twice a month tells you all you need to know about your WH. He is not husband or father material. He will regret this but it will be too late.

He is in cloud nine with his new OW, the dream will crumble but hopefully you will be long gone by then and have somebody in your life who cares for you.
Hell no! Keep that bastard working a paying for his coldness and cruelty.
Don't dare mess yp his work. Go to school, get a career of your own, and this guy will seem like a distant memory when you meet a good man. Yes bad things happen. None of this is your fault.
Grieve your loss. When you're ready, you will likely meet another man and you will hopefully find a good one.
Don't give up on happiness.

Evinrude58 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:50 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,429
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Don't make any legal decisions until you have bought and thoroughly read through a book on divorce in your state and had a consultation with at least one attorney after you have read the book. Also read some books on custody and divorce in general. You do not want to go into this blindly. Know your rights. It's much better to be prepared with knowledge before you make any decision or even before you speak to an attorney.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is offline  
post #18 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:53 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,429
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

It is very likely that the reason your husband was distant was that he was cheating. Your husband didn't betray you because you were upset about his behavior. When your husband began to betray you, you sensed something was wrong and you got upset. That is the likely scenario.

Don't believe any of his blame shifting and rewriting of history. He's trying to avoid feeling guilty about being an ass.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is offline  
 
post #19 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:07 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,223
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

You can also ask for interim spousal support and child support while the divorce is in progress.

“Interim spousal support or interim alimony is what you get during the divorce process.

Then you can ask that he pay you rehabilitative alimony (or spousal support – diff states use diff terms) while you go back and finish your degree. In some states you can get this for half the term of your marriage.
EleGirl is online now  
post #20 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:13 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,223
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by KrissyR View Post
Thank you for the feedback. I def want to do 180 and just take care of myself and kids for now.

I am so dissapointed in myself for trusting him. I always had a weird feeling about her and he always promised me there was nothing between them. He is her boss so he even assured me he wasnt stupid enough to be with someone from work and risk his job. Look at him now. I have thought about telling HR but we have way to many bills to pay. Especially all those dates he is going on to expensive places. He even gave the OW his bank card so i see all the purchases being made on my bank statement.

Feel like I am in a freaking dream right now. I cant believe this is my real life
Keep track of that he (and she) are spending on his new single life.

That’s called wasting marital assets. You can ask the court to award you at least 50% of what he’s spending. In some states the judge will give you 100% plus a penalty that is charged to him for abusing/wasting marital assets.

Also, so you have any text, emails, etc. that will prove that he said that he wanted a temporary separation to work on the marriage? This could be important because he will most likely say that you two became separated for divorce purposes when you went to stay with your mother. You will want to push for the separation for divorce to have started until now, or even until the day one of you files for divorce.
EleGirl is online now  
post #21 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:37 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,144
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by KrissyR View Post
Thank you for the feedback. I def want to do 180 and just take care of myself and kids for now.

I am so dissapointed in myself for trusting him. I always had a weird feeling about her and he always promised me there was nothing between them. He is her boss so he even assured me he wasnt stupid enough to be with someone from work and risk his job. Look at him now. I have thought about telling HR but we have way to many bills to pay. Especially all those dates he is going on to expensive places. He even gave the OW his bank card so i see all the purchases being made on my bank statement.

Feel like I am in a freaking dream right now. I cant believe this is my real life
Keep track of those $'s. You should be able to get reimbursed for half of what he's spent on her. That was your money!!!!!!
Marc878 is online now  
post #22 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:38 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Va
Posts: 13
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Thank you guys for all your support and feedback. After being a doormat for the past month to try to win him back, I finally told him I want a Divorce too and ready to move on with my life. HE STARTED TO FINALLY FEEL GUILTY. He started asking my about my feelings and I told him i will not talk to him about anything but the kids and the divorce. He started to freak out!!

All this separation I tried to talk him about my feelings and working on our marriage. He was so indifferent. He didnt care at all. Now he is showing feelings bc he always thought I would be there no matter what. **** that.

Already setting up a consultation with a lawyer. Wish me luck.
KrissyR is offline  
post #23 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:48 AM
Member
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,383
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

He's just pooping his pants because divorce is going to hurt him financially and create stress with his new woman toy. You found your lady balls. Hold on to them.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #24 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:01 AM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,638
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Wishing you LOTS AND LOTS of luck!!!

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
post #25 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:02 AM
Member
 
Thor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8,770
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post
Time to get him to foot part of the bill to get you back into college as well... part of your mediation.

5 years worth at least...
Exactly. This is one of the legitimate moral purposes of alimony. You gave up your college education for the family. For him. So he owes it to you to finish your own education.

Most atty's will give you a free 15 to 30 minute consultation where you can get your basic questions answered. You can find out from a real atty how things generally go where you live. They give this free consult as a sales pitch to get you as a client, so don't feel bad about going.

You can do research online about your state laws. Your state website should have some do-it-yourself divorce resources, which is a good place to get some information. You can even use the state's standard divorce and custody paperwork.

Because you have children, you really should have a lawyer involved. You can use a lawyer as an advisor and to review paperwork before you sign it. You don't have to use a lawyer to argue with your stbxh's lawyer. You can file the paperwork yourself even if you use a lawyer to advise/review. You would pay per hour for your lawyer's time. The details and specific words used in the custody agreement are critical. That, to me, is where you need an atty to advise and review.

I would suggest you immediately start documenting everything. Write down a timeline of your marriage and of his infidelity. Document what he has done and said regarding parenting. This documentation can be extremely helpful if it comes to a court fight.

Mediation is a good thing. Just be sure you know what you want before you get there. Know what you are entitled to as a minimum by the law. Ask for more than you want, and give away things you don't care about in order to get things you do want. I suggest you don't sign any binding agreements without thinking about it overnight and/or having your atty review it. Don't get pressured into signing anything until you are certain you are ok with it.

Thor is offline  
post #26 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:41 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,275
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Reality is setting in for him. He expected you to wait around until he was ready to come back. Don't be surprised if he starts pushing to R.
Openminded is offline  
post #27 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:17 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 5,908
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by KrissyR View Post
Thank you guys for all your support and feedback. After being a doormat for the past month to try to win him back, I finally told him I want a Divorce too and ready to move on with my life. HE STARTED TO FINALLY FEEL GUILTY. He started asking my about my feelings and I told him i will not talk to him about anything but the kids and the divorce. He started to freak out!!

All this separation I tried to talk him about my feelings and working on our marriage. He was so indifferent. He didnt care at all. Now he is showing feelings bc he always thought I would be there no matter what. **** that.

Already setting up a consultation with a lawyer. Wish me luck.
Good for you! Stay the course, you dont want to let him back in. He isnt sorry, he just suddenly realized his life is being turned upside down!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is offline  
post #28 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Va
Posts: 13
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Been on a roller coaster of emotions but trying as hard as I can to stay positive. Sucks that he has put me and our kids through hell, yet I still love him. How are you suppose to get over someone so fast when you were madly in love with them for years? I can't 180 right not bc we are trying to figure out the money situation

On top of that, I have to be separated a year before I can even file for divorce bc of the laws in my state so I feel like I can move forward, but not completely foward with my life.

Of course I still want a divorce but just feeling so emotional!!
KrissyR is offline  
post #29 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 01:34 PM
Member
 
Bibi1031's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: texas
Posts: 1,664
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
He's just pooping his pants because divorce is going to hurt him financially and create stress with his new woman toy. You found your lady balls. Hold on to them.
Yup, don't under estimate the power of our ovaries!

They hold a ton of "eggs" (serious pun intended).

*eggs is what in my country Americans refer as balls...lol

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
Bibi1031 is offline  
post #30 of 51 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:31 PM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,730
Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by KrissyR View Post
Been on a roller coaster of emotions but trying as hard as I can to stay positive. Sucks that he has put me and our kids through hell, yet I still love him. How are you suppose to get over someone so fast when you were madly in love with them for years? I can't 180 right not bc we are trying to figure out the money situation

On top of that, I have to be separated a year before I can even file for divorce bc of the laws in my state so I feel like I can move forward, but not completely foward with my life.

Of course I still want a divorce but just feeling so emotional!!
You can still do the 180, keep your conversations strictly professional, the way you would with a working colleague or when paying a visit to the bank, no emotions etc. If he tries to start speaking about things other than the finances or the kids, tell him, I do not wish to go there, there is nothing to talk about, just cut him off immediately, do NOT engage, that is how he will try and pull you back in again. As far as possible make him write to you via email, even if you are in the same house. Say you want everything in black and white from here on out. If he starts writing you long song stories, do not read them, delete them. Stay strong.
Keep a record of all exchanges, if possible VAR (not sure about legality where you live). He is not your friend, he is the enemy, remember he is willing to dump you AND the kids so he can have a single life, let him, but show no mercy.
aine is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
husband, infidelity, separation

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Husband lending money etc without telling me whiskybravo General Relationship Discussion 5 06-28-2016 01:51 PM
War between ex and husband and I'm feeling lost lewislane848 General Relationship Discussion 10 04-07-2016 08:28 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome