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post #46 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 03:03 AM
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

@KrissyR, he is playing a game of see-saw with your feelings because he is a cake eater. He's using the OW for his fix and you are his emotional tampon. You can stop that by forging ahead with divorce. Remove yourself from the equation. You don't need this noise and petitioning for divorce puts you in a place of action and advantage.


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post #47 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 03:26 AM
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

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Originally Posted by KrissyR View Post
I have yet to hire a lawyer because I am weak as **** right now. He has somehow successfully made me feel like I want to be friendly with him while he sleeps at his girlfriend's house every night. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I am so pathetic. Starting to ICE him out again (3rd try) because he feels no remorse at all since i havent show him there are any consequences to his actions. It has been really hard for me to stick with it but i need to do my best to not let him make me feel bad for him. The other day he talked for 15 minutes explaining how stressed he was from work and it made me feel so sorry him. Then he tried to talk about what I was up to. And he said he was proud of me for how much i was accomplishing. I should not let these convos be happening! He doesn't deserve to talk to me.

He also told me "sometimes i miss the kids so much i feel like trying to get back with you." It felt like a bullet went straight through my heart. Why would i want to get back together with someone who feels that way? Like wtf
Krissy, you are not listening to any advice here at all. Why on earth would you spend 15 minutes of your time with this man who has treated you so terribly. You owe him nothing! You are wasting your breathe. He has you wrapped around his little finger. Stop it for God's sake!
180 him, keep it professional, no contact except via email. You are being a doormat. Why would he treat you any differently when you yourself don't have enough self respect to cut him off and out of your life?
Remember you teach people how to treat you and that is exactly what you are doing. Time to get on your big girl panties and fight tough. Take it one day at a time but stick to the plan. No more niceties, you need to heal and move on. You need to be strong and resolute for your kids.
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post #48 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

So is this the relationship you want your kids to have when they grow up and move out? Do you want them to have a partner that treats them this way? Your kids are watching, and learning by YOUR example. Imagine someone doing this to one of them, and them responding the way that you are. How does that make you feel? What would you tell them?

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #49 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:38 PM
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Krissy, tell him ONCE to only contact you by email about kids and finances before you get a lawyer. No more answering his calls and texts. Block his number. Block him online. Turn off your phone if you have to. Then check your email once a day and only respond to anything he says about kids and finances.

You're giving him far too much power over you. You're opening yourself up for heartbreak every time he feels the slightest bit bad about what he's done when there is no chance of him working on the marriage. No contact means no new hurts. Put yourself first here.
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post #50 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

I absolutely agree with what everyone is saying. I start icing him then become weak when he says he wants to have a good co-parenting relationship. I dont have the right balance of being a good co-parent and being able to respect myself. I've always put him first when it comes to our marriage and he took that for granted so now I need to focus on ME and what I want for myself and the kids. He knows i have a weak spot for him and he constantly uses that against me. Please pray that i keep the strength to stand up for myself and my kids
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post #51 of 67 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:16 PM
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

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Originally Posted by KrissyR View Post
I absolutely agree with what everyone is saying. I start icing him then become weak when he says he wants to have a good co-parenting relationship. I dont have the right balance of being a good co-parent and being able to respect myself. I've always put him first when it comes to our marriage and he took that for granted so now I need to focus on ME and what I want for myself and the kids. He knows i have a weak spot for him and he constantly uses that against me. Please pray that i keep the strength to stand up for myself and my kids
He sounds incredibly manipulative, they are hard to break up with. Since you can't go no contact as you have kids with him, I'd go as limited contact as possible. Literally only discuss the kids, the divorce, etc...when he contacts you. Don't contact him. I'd remove him from facebook and other areas where he can get at you. He will play endless head games if you let him. If he wants to start talking about other things other than the kids, to get you to 'be his friend,' just say ''I have to go, thanks for calling.'' He doesn't want to be your friend, he only wants to use you on his terms, and as others have said ''cake eat.''

You got this. You are stronger than you might know. Sorry you are going through this.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

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post #52 of 67 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 08:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

It's been awhile since I posted. I have done a good job doing limited contact for the past few weeks. I only text back if its about the kids/finances. I do not answer phone calls unless its a scheduled call for the kids. He has tried to get me to call him to talk about kids/finances but i aIways tell him that he can text me whatever it is he wants to talk about. I wanted to avoid phone calls with him because he says really mean things to me and i didnt want to put myself in a position that allowed him to do that. Now he has started the rude/angry texts. I've been good at not responding to them but yesterday we really got into it.

He has the kids this weekend so I asked if he would respect my wishes to keep AP away from our kids (a reasonable request that a lawyer suggested i tell him). He didnt give me an answer that gave me clarity so i told him that if he doesnt agree to it then he will have to drive to me to see the kids (we live 3 hours away). He flipped out and was telling me I can't control what he does and how he is trying to be civil but I am rude when i speak to him and he loves the kids so much and he shouldnt have to be punished just bc he doesn't do what I say or want to stay married to me. He said "i thought you would understand that".

ALL I TOLD HIM WAS TO KEEP AFFAIR PARTNER AWAY FROM KIDS.

He successfully reeled me into the angry conversation 😕 We were texting back and forth. He was blaming the separation on me bc "i changed completely on him" and he never went behind my back to cheat bc he waited till we separated to start a relationship with his AP (his coworker and also my "friend"). i was telling him to stop lying and he wanted separation bc of what started out as an emotional affair. He says he has a "clear conscience". In the end it was a pointless convo that just let him know he can still get under my skin.

Also he feels like he has the right to video chat them almost every night. I do let him when it works with my schedule. Should I continue to let him do this every day? The only day he doesnt try is sunday bc he doesnt work thay day and is with AP. He only calls when he is at work (before he leaves to AP's house).

It is so hard to coparent with a selfish a-hole! Ughhhh! How do i become INDIFFERENT faster??!
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post #53 of 67 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 09:29 AM
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by KrissyR View Post
It's been awhile since I posted. I have done a good job doing limited contact for the past few weeks. I only text back if its about the kids/finances. I do not answer phone calls unless its a scheduled call for the kids. He has tried to get me to call him to talk about kids/finances but i aIways tell him that he can text me whatever it is he wants to talk about. I wanted to avoid phone calls with him because he says really mean things to me and i didnt want to put myself in a position that allowed him to do that. Now he has started the rude/angry texts. I've been good at not responding to them but yesterday we really got into it.

He has the kids this weekend so I asked if he would respect my wishes to keep AP away from our kids (a reasonable request that a lawyer suggested i tell him). He didnt give me an answer that gave me clarity so i told him that if he doesnt agree to it then he will have to drive to me to see the kids (we live 3 hours away). He flipped out and was telling me I can't control what he does and how he is trying to be civil but I am rude when i speak to him and he loves the kids so much and he shouldnt have to be punished just bc he doesn't do what I say or want to stay married to me. He said "i thought you would understand that".

ALL I TOLD HIM WAS TO KEEP AFFAIR PARTNER AWAY FROM KIDS.

He successfully reeled me into the angry conversation 😕 We were texting back and forth. He was blaming the separation on me bc "i changed completely on him" and he never went behind my back to cheat bc he waited till we separated to start a relationship with his AP (his coworker and also my "friend"). i was telling him to stop lying and he wanted separation bc of what started out as an emotional affair. He says he has a "clear conscience". In the end it was a pointless convo that just let him know he can still get under my skin.

Also he feels like he has the right to video chat them almost every night. I do let him when it works with my schedule. Should I continue to let him do this every day? The only day he doesnt try is sunday bc he doesnt work thay day and is with AP. He only calls when he is at work (before he leaves to AP's house).

It is so hard to coparent with a selfish a-hole! Ughhhh! How do i become INDIFFERENT faster??!
He's playing mind games with himself because his miniscule conscience is tearing him up. He doesn't want to be known as the filthy, lying, low character cheater that he knows he is. THis is why it's best to never talk to trash like this. All they know how to do is spin, spin, spin their rotten lives so that it sounds to an onlooker that they aren't the scum they really are.
My ex's mother actually told me that lots of women cheat on their husbands to get the courage up to leave them. I actually showed her the damning twitter posts she was making that showed what a lying, despicable cheat she really was. Full of foul language and things like "I should go to the front of the line at buffets with ***** this good" and "can't wait until 12 turns 18 and brings his friends over, always wanted to be a MILF"......

My point: Low-lifes like your husband can spin anything to make it sound like they aren't what they are---- a cheater.

I could tell you a way to reach indifference faster, but I won't because it's not the right way. It will make you feel like ****.
So I will tell you this: Endure the pain. Learn to love the pain. Find a new hobby, take some classes to further your career or job opportunities, and meet some new friends. Dedicate your entire existence to your children and making your life better. Your mind won't have time to dwell on your ****ty ex husband.

I see the video chat thing with my gf's ex and how he manipulates her schedule and makes her feel guilty and then uses the video chats to manipulate her children and ruin their day.
DO NOT feel guilty about not letting them video chat on HIS SCHEDULE. He is with another woman. He's chosen to abandon his kids and his wife, which he swore to honor and cherish. He is following the script in getting angry as hell when you show some backbone and not tolerate his despicable behavior.

Spend your days worrying about YOU and your KIDS. Never spend one minute worrying about his feelings. He damn sure isn't worried about yours.

YOU WILL GET PAST THIS. I promise. But you've got to move on and keep moving on. Then you will reach indifference and you will 99.9% likely meet another man that you will fall in love with and be in awe of the fact that it is possible to love a new, better man MORE than you are currently in love with your husband.
You'll make it! Good luck.
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post #54 of 67 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

My ex-W has said and done a few things which remind me of why we're not together. Each new incident hardens me further. Indifference comes from seeing the other person for who they really are, not who we thought they were for so long.
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post #55 of 67 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 10:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Yeah i agree.. i will definitely get past this but until we go to Juvenile Domestic court (in 3 months) it will be hard to deal with him. He tried to be nice to me earlier today and then started to ask me for unreasonable requests. He wants his sister to have them 2 fridays a month, she would keep them all day saturday then at night drive an hour away to drop the kids off to my WH's coworker who would pick them up and drive the kids 2 hours to my WH's job. Then the kids would wait there till WH got off work. Then they would be returned the next day by his coworker. My kids are 4 and 5. Thats way too much bouncing around. I told him that I was not comfortable with any of that and he needs to be responsible for picking his own kids up. He FREAKED out on me. He got so hateful and angry bc I declined and said that if it doesn't go his way, then he wont drive to pick up the kids at all. He also continued to say how much he hates me and how he cant believe he spent the last 6 years with me. How he is going to get everything he wants when we go to court and he is going to pay me less money in the meantime.

My response??? "Sorry you feel that way". That pissed him off even more and he sent more angry texts.

He was suppose to have the kids this weekend but he is refusing to drive out of town to pick them up bc he doesnt want to give me the satisfaction of me having "all the control". Yet in the meantime he claims he would do "anything" to have the kids every weekend. EVERYTHING but drive to pick them up?! What a joke.

Someone please tell that he will become sane one day!!! I would love to co-parent with him one day but I cant with someone so delusional.

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post #56 of 67 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 04:05 AM
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Stop.
Don't engage his childish texts.
Answer with less than 1/3 of the words he uses.
Facts only. Logistics only. NO emotions over text.
Do not get drawn in. What a waste of your precious energy.
Rinse, repeat. If he realizes you won't be bullied, he will back off.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #57 of 67 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 12:30 PM
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Krissy, did HE move away from you and the kids? If so, it is HIS responsibility to make travel arrangements, and Im sorry but his coworker should not be the one shuttling his kids! Im glad you didnt agree to this. If he ends up not getting them, then that is HIS problem. If Im reading that plan correctly, he would only see them a few hours on Sunday?? Thats ridiculous. Dont give in to this.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #58 of 67 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

For what it's worth, a friend is in a LTR with a divorced man who has a wonky work schedule. When he requested my friend be allowed to pick up the kids for him and keep them until he was off work,his ex said no and the courts agreed with her. No judge is going to allow kids to be shuffled around frequently between relatives and their fathers short term partner while he's working or otherwise occupied.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #59 of 67 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by KrissyR View Post
Yeah i agree.. i will definitely get past this but until we go to Juvenile Domestic court (in 3 months) it will be hard to deal with him. He tried to be nice to me earlier today and then started to ask me for unreasonable requests. He wants his sister to have them 2 fridays a month, she would keep them all day saturday then at night drive an hour away to drop the kids off to my WH's coworker who would pick them up and drive the kids 2 hours to my WH's job. Then the kids would wait there till WH got off work. Then they would be returned the next day by his coworker. My kids are 4 and 5. Thats way too much bouncing around. I told him that I was not comfortable with any of that and he needs to be responsible for picking his own kids up. He FREAKED out on me. He got so hateful and angry bc I declined and said that if it doesn't go his way, then he wont drive to pick up the kids at all. He also continued to say how much he hates me and how he cant believe he spent the last 6 years with me. How he is going to get everything he wants when we go to court and he is going to pay me less money in the meantime.

My response??? "Sorry you feel that way". That pissed him off even more and he sent more angry texts.

He was suppose to have the kids this weekend but he is refusing to drive out of town to pick them up bc he doesnt want to give me the satisfaction of me having "all the control". Yet in the meantime he claims he would do "anything" to have the kids every weekend. EVERYTHING but drive to pick them up?! What a joke.

Someone please tell that he will become sane one day!!! I would love to co-parent with him one day but I cant with someone so delusional.
If you have seen a lawyer, talk to them and see what you have to do, nothing more. If as someone has suggested here, you are not responsible for dropping them off at colleagues, etc then do not do it. Tell him and throw the law at him, show him that you will not be manipulated or bullied. He will soon see the consequences of his actions, he cannot have it all his way.
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post #60 of 67 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 10:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Thank you TAM for exposing my husband

I moved 3 hours away to be with my family bc in the beginning he asked if i could stay there while he took time to "think". A few days after i gave him the space he needed, he told me he wanted 6 months to a year of separation then maybe divorce. He told me that I could stay in our home but i decided to stay at my parents. A month later i found out he had been dating one of his employees who was suppose to be a friend of mine.

I havent looked stable today bc i suggested mediation to calm things down but i realized he would do things behind my back even if we agreed to it so i would rather have it court ordered so he can get in trouble for it. He told me he had off this sunday, which is why he wanted the kids, but i found out he actually had to work and his girlfriend would be watching the kids. I told him no and i was going to find a babysitter for them but i realized how crazy this all is and decided to change my mind on mediation. I cant mediate with someone so selfish.

Wish me luck.
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