Wife now wants divorce
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Old 01-02-2012, 04:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife now wants divorce

As you know past 4 weeks my wife seperated from me. Due to me being verbally and emotionally abusive towards her due to stress of working long hours etc.

When she seperated i went to see a marriage counsellor on my own and had so far about 7-8 sessions i feel that im making progress and doing well. My wife asked me not to contact her and give her space for the time she seperated.

Her parents call my parents and come down to my place and she takes the remainder of her things and says, it isnt gonna work, her parents when she first seperated said for us to work things out and all of a sudden its like eveyone has turned on me.

Even though i have been going to see MC it didnt matter. My wife had told her parents all the little detailed arguments we used to have and she also said that she didnt miss me at all. She was not letting me get a word in edgeways. She took all of her belongings and said she will give me what i always wanted which was a divorce (i never wanted it to end this way)

i feel so ****, life is crap at the moment the MC said to me the problems we have are not major problems and are solvable. but my wife just seemed blinded with rage and anger. She stayed with her sister while she was seperated and she had family down from canada etc and i feel that she didnt get any alone time at all to reflect or feel anything and her parents just didnt wanna know that i am making changes in my life or anything. So thats 4 years or marriage and 8 year of being together down the toilet.

I emailed the MC (counsellor) and im gonna try and get an appointment tomorrow. i have one booked on wednesday anyway.

Any advice or thoughts, i even tried make up of magic TW jackson stuff and it all seems to have backfired.

My wife didnt wanna come counselling with me and she says that she dont need counselling at all. She doesnt want me to contact her again. Her brother seemed to just answer any questions for her and it was horrible. It feels like they just came down for a fight but they didnt get any arguments or retaliation from me or my parents as we remained calm and i said to them its all my fault and im trying to change and seeking help. it was horrible

any advice on moving on or anything helpful

Last edited by insomnia255; 01-02-2012 at 04:47 PM. Reason: missed out details
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Old 01-02-2012, 05:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife now wants divorce

If she does not want contact from you then you have to go to no contact. Otherwise it's legally could be considered harassment. Only communicate if needed via email as you can have copies to prove what you said.

You need to see an attorney ASAP to find out your rights and want to do now.

One thing you can do with a divorce if you do not want one is to string it out for as long as possible. This would give her time to change her mind.
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Old 01-02-2012, 05:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife now wants divorce

In my opinion 4 weeks ins't enough. 4 weeks was about the time when I started to miss my H and actually would give him the time of day to talk to me about it. I wish that there was some way that you could get her to wait. but I agree with Elegirl that you prolbably need to leave her alone right now. What you can do is not sign the papers for a while and that will give her some time to think. She may come around. I would get a lawyer though just so you are prepared. I'm sorry- I admire the fact that you are really taking every step to better yourself for you and for your marriage. Hopefully she will see that, but it seems like she has blinders on right now. Maybe time alone, without family will help her reflect more.
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Old 01-04-2012, 04:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife now wants divorce

Thanks guys, i am in the UK so i will see what the law here is on seperationg and divorce etc. your right it seems like as she hasnt had time alone or anything and stayed with family. She maybe on an emotional high but maybe when the holidays are over etc then maybe she may get some alone time and reflect. But her and her family just burnt their bridges on the monday. Thats all they came to do, it was all negative energy and not trying to help or reconcile, it was like their decision was already made.
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Old 01-05-2012, 02:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife now wants divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by insomnia255 View Post
As you know past 4 weeks my wife seperated from me. Due to me being verbally and emotionally abusive towards her due to stress of working long hours etc.

When she seperated i went to see a marriage counsellor on my own and had so far about 7-8 sessions i feel that im making progress and doing well. My wife asked me not to contact her and give her space for the time she seperated.

Her parents call my parents and come down to my place and she takes the remainder of her things and says, it isnt gonna work, her parents when she first seperated said for us to work things out and all of a sudden its like eveyone has turned on me.

Even though i have been going to see MC it didnt matter. My wife had told her parents all the little detailed arguments we used to have and she also said that she didnt miss me at all. She was not letting me get a word in edgeways. She took all of her belongings and said she will give me what i always wanted which was a divorce (i never wanted it to end this way)

i feel so ****, life is crap at the moment the MC said to me the problems we have are not major problems and are solvable. but my wife just seemed blinded with rage and anger. She stayed with her sister while she was seperated and she had family down from canada etc and i feel that she didnt get any alone time at all to reflect or feel anything and her parents just didnt wanna know that i am making changes in my life or anything. So thats 4 years or marriage and 8 year of being together down the toilet.

I emailed the MC (counsellor) and im gonna try and get an appointment tomorrow. i have one booked on wednesday anyway.

Any advice or thoughts, i even tried make up of magic TW jackson stuff and it all seems to have backfired.

My wife didnt wanna come counselling with me and she says that she dont need counselling at all. She doesnt want me to contact her again. Her brother seemed to just answer any questions for her and it was horrible. It feels like they just came down for a fight but they didnt get any arguments or retaliation from me or my parents as we remained calm and i said to them its all my fault and im trying to change and seeking help. it was horrible

any advice on moving on or anything helpful
I'm glad you're talking to someone about this and that you're thinking about the problems. This sounds really awful.

Can I ask what is happening when you do contact her? Are you guys fighting? Do you try to explain your POV? Is she feeling like she is being harassed?

If you really and truly want a relationship with her and really and truly believe that you haven't been able to explain your side of things to her because she hasn't been listening or whatever, then write her a very long letter in which you explain everything from your POV and let her have some time to think about it. This is the least pestering kind of way to express something and she is not likely to be offended by a letter -- unless it is filled with verbal abuse.

Of course, if you've mistreated her, then the first thing you do should be write an apology. I don't know your story, but I'll read up on it.
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Old 01-05-2012, 09:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife now wants divorce

being on the other side of things, i didn't want my ex to call me or contact me, we've been seperated 6 months, and i still don't want him to call or talk to me, i think it's hard, but sometimes, you have to understand when someone decided to call it a day, it's over, i'm not sayin thats definately the case, and i wouldn't say walk away, but i think you might need to give her more time, but also understand that there is a possibility that she doesn't want to come back, time will help her to ease the anger, and then maybe you can discuss things, but i think you need to back off completely so that those feelings of anger aren't revoked for her, it's a difficult time and i'm sure you're thinking, if i give her time she'll want to leave, but you have to understand either way, thats her decision to make and you can't force her to stay with you, and yes it's not fair wanting to be with her and it feels like she's got your heart and stomped on it ( words my ex-husband used to me) but i'm sure she's also feeling sadness but is masking it with anger. I hope you carry on the therapy, and it helps you.
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Old 01-05-2012, 06:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife now wants divorce

Since my wife has seperated from me i have written a letter of apology and said that im going counselling etc. I have not had any response to any letters, emails etc.

When she came here on monday with her parents they were here looking for a fight. She just came to take her things and then left and burnt her bridges on her way out of the door.

It didnt matter what i said i am doing to improve myself or anything. It just fell on deaf ears. As she left i said can i call you or contact you she said i dont wanna hear from anyone (me, and my folks)

I found this to be so unlike her. she has had 4-5 weeks and she has made a decision to call it a day already, with out going to see a counsellor.

I am still having 2 sessions a week anyway for myself as i feel that i need to improve, maybe if she contacts me in the future i will see. But the way she left on monday and her folks just added fuel to the fire. I dont think she will return.
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Old 01-06-2012, 05:46 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife now wants divorce

i think what you need to do is focus on yourself first, the main person in all of this who you need to think about is you, yes i can understand it's hard, however she probably made up her mind before she left, i know for me i had to have a certain focus and everyone said the same about me that i'd changed and it wasn't me, but the truth was, i had to be hard just to get a point across, now i'm not sure if she's doing the same but it seems likely, like i said, the main focus should be you, think about creating an individual life for yourself, get some hobbies and confidence, time is a great healer and i think in time, she may be able to begin to talk to you again amicably, but you need to be focussed on you.
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