I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:36 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

You need a lawyer, like, yesterday. Assert your parental rights. She's acting like she holds all the cards and you're letting her do it. That's on you.

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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:23 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

You might want yo go online and check your phone bill just as a check. Only takes about 15 minutes.

How long has the separation been.

One thing. If you do the needy clingy it always pushes then farther away.

Move back in the home and let her go live with her parents.
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:58 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Sorry, a few more questions-

How old are you, your wife, and your child?
How long have you been married?
Is your wife a member at the church you are attending?

Ciao,

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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:18 AM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Is your wife a christian?
Can your pastor or someone else you both know in the church go and talk to her about this?

In my opinion there is no way you should have left the home. Most marriages cant be worked out by not seeing each other. She is being very cruel by not letting you see the child. How old is your child? Do they have their own phone? Cant you ring them anyway? She is free to stop contact for herself, but she is not free to hurt you and the child in this way. Can you father in law intervene about child access?

If her own dad admits that there are faults on both sides that is telling.Maybe he needs to say that to her? Being deprived of sex when you were so stressed and unhappy would have made things far worse. Sex bonds and brings you together emotionally, and also relieves stress.

Sounds like you need some good marriage counseling, but until she can admit to her part in all this its hard to see how that would help.

Last edited by Diana7; 04-09-2017 at 05:55 AM.
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:33 AM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

To me it looks like she has decided to no longer be in a relationship with you. But she won't file for divorce because you have made it far too easy for her to continue with what she is doing. As you said, she has the house, the money and the child. Why would she seek a divorce right now because she would lose some of all of that.

She might need her space. You might have been angry and hard to live with. But your marriage cannot be fixed if the two of you do not see each other. Like you said, how can she see that you have made improvements in yourself and taken her seriously if she does not see you.

It's been 6 weeks. I think it's time for you to act. What I would do is to write her (email maybe) saying that while you understand that she needs some space, what is going on is unacceptable to you. I would request what is called a structured separation. It's meant to help couples fix their problem while living apart. I'll post a structured separation document so you see what they are like. You would need to have a counselor/therapist help you with this.


If your wife will not go along with a structured separation, it's time that you see a lawyer to at least set up agreements on things like custody, you should have your daughter 50% of the time. If your wife says she thinks this is wrong, then ask for a custody evaluation. The evaluators will figure out if it's true that you are a danger to your child. And they will also evaluate your wife to see if she is working on parental alienation. Right now she is keeping your child from you. She has no right whatsoever to do that.

Also you moved out of the family home. That was a bad move. So now you need to get a lawyer to help deal with that.

Why does she have all the money?

Does she have a job?

How much access do you have to money?

I'm sorry to say this, but you also need to do some snooping. There is a very good chance that she is cheating. Do you have access to her cell phone bill? If so look at it and see if there is any number that she is communicating with all the time.

She claims that you were controlling. But right now she is acting like the one who is controlling, kicking you out of the house, keeping control of money to include your income and not allowing you to see your child. Was she controlling like this before? For example did she control the money in your relationship?

Is your paycheck going to an account right now that she has access to? Do you have access to that account? I ask because you said that she has all the money. Please explain why she has it all and you don't have any money?

To me, it sounds like you need an attorney. But if you want to try something to get her working with you, try suggesting the structured separation.

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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:36 AM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Structured Separation – A temporary, time-limited separation conducted with clear and appropriate guidelines for the purpose of rebuilding the marriage. It is understood that at the end of the separation, one or both spouses might choose to end the marriage if the separation is not successful. It should be done under the leadership of someone like your MC with weekly MC Sessions.

1. Length of separation: Set a time limit, preferably 3-6 months.

2. No attorneys: It is agreed that neither spouse will file for divorce during the specified time frame. Both parties have to feel safe and that they will not be blind sided with a divorce filing.

3. Terminating the contract: Decide whether one spouse can terminate the contract or they both have to come to agreement. But neither party will unilaterally terminate the contract and not inform the other.

4. Living separately: Spouses decide which one will move out of the home. If at all possible the spouse with the larger income.


5. Financial Decisions: All monies should be split in a fair and just manner. Pay all bills first. Then split what is left 50/50. If one parent has the child more, then figure out child support according to state guidelines and agree to pay this on an informal basis.

No large purchases (over $200) or debt will be incurred without the express knowledge and agreement of the other spouse. No joint assets will be sold during the separation without the express knowledge and agreement of the other spouse.

Some couples will decide to continue joint checking accounts, savings accounts, and payment of bills. Other couples will completely separate financial aspects of the relationship.... If there is any chance for [significant] disagreement, each person could take out half of the assets and open separate accounts.
6. Confidentiality: An agreement as to who is told and who isn’t. What are you both going to tell other people? Make sure your message is agreed upon by both of you.

7. MC Sessions: Agree to only talk about all the hard stuff and the bad stuff at weekly MC Sessions. Here is where you sort out problems that have occurred during the week as well as going back over the old stuff that got you to this point.”


8. Quality Time to Be Spent Together

1-2 weekly dates, just the two of you. Start with no more than 1 hour each. Expand the time as you both feel safe.
1 weekly family date that includes your son. Again start with the 1 hour each and expand as time goes on.
Separate the irritation of your issues and daily life from your selves as former loves. You need a list of taboo subjects.. no talking about marital problems/issues, the affair, money, etc. Only positive fund things. The point is to do something that is fun and enjoyable, and to end before the good time gets ruined.
9. Chat time: If you want schedule chat time to spend together during the week. The time and length of each call would be decided in advance. Again, the point is to eliminate opportunities for arguing.

10. Administrative Time: Weekly schedule to talk: administrative calls, where you only talk about business or kids-stuff. The time and length of each call would be decided in advance. Again, the point is to eliminate opportunities for arguing


11. Intimate relations. Whether or not to continue with the sexual relationship.

12. Personal Growth Experiences: You each can include as many personal growth experiences as feasible, practical, and helpful.

13. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship: No social involvement, romantic, and sexual relationships outside of this relationship.

14. Child Custody/Time-Sharing. Establish a joint agreement who your son will be with on which days with as close to a 50/50 split as possible. How/where/when exchanges will take place.

15. Motor Vehicles: Ownership and titles not be changed until a decision has been made about the future of the marriage.

16. Privacy and Issues of Trust:
• Both must agree about what the children will be told about this separation and the marriage relationship.
• Access to the others’ mail, email, voicemail, accounts, other’s places of residence, etc.
• What is the level of transparency needed to help rebuild trust. This must be the same for both parties.
• Are unannounced spontaneous visits allowed?
• Is monitoring/tracking the other part allowed?

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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

To answer a few more questions:

1. We are in our mid 40's. This is both our first marriage. We have been married for 12 years.

2. Our child is 8

3. We are regular church members at the same church. We often attend the same service. She is a very giving and religious person. I had issues with the church until I had my "come to Jesus" moment. We have the same friends. Our pastor has been giving me advice. She is getting her counseling from someone else within the church. I am also seeing an outside counselor.

4. I asked our pastor point blank last week if I should start pushing for joint custody or moving back into the house. He strongly advised against it. He said to give her complete space and see what happens. If she still doesn't make progress, we'll see. He says he'll know when it's time for me to give up. I'm assuming he has SOME type of access or inside information.

5. The first week of the separation, we were cordial and friendly. We even hugged and said "I love you." I even saw her and our child at her parents' house (I was still making arrangements to leave). After week one, she became cold as ice, and it hasn't stopped to this day.

6. I am certain of one thing--she is not cheating.

7. She told me she now sees signs and patterns that lead her to believe that I am no different than the other two men she had long-term relationships with before me.
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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Your kid. Your house. Your friends. She's kicked you out and denied you access. Be prepared for you being blamed for everything...hell, you are being blamed for everything.

See a lawyer. Separate finances. Are you the primary breadwinner? If so, cut off her money.

I don't believe there isn't someone else in her life. Someone's told her how to handle this, how to run this--"Operation Such Confusion."

See the standard evidence gathering post. Decide if you even want to be back with her. I wouldn't.

Oh, one other thing...get a voice activated recorder and carry it with you whenever you have an interaction with her. Can't rule out a false charge of domestic violence since she's laid the ground work with others about your "temper."
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
For your own sake, you should seek some legal advice, at least as it relates to your child. It's not her call if you see your child or not. It's your kid, too.
Absolutely this

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Give up on yourself and others will follow
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuchConfusion View Post
To answer a few more questions:

1. We are in our mid 40's. This is both our first marriage. We have been married for 12 years.

2. Our child is 8

3. We are regular church members at the same church. We often attend the same service. She is a very giving and religious person. I had issues with the church until I had my "come to Jesus" moment. We have the same friends. Our pastor has been giving me advice. She is getting her counseling from someone else within the church. I am also seeing an outside counselor.

4. I asked our pastor point blank last week if I should start pushing for joint custody or moving back into the house. He strongly advised against it. He said to give her complete space and see what happens. If she still doesn't make progress, we'll see. He says he'll know when it's time for me to give up. I'm assuming he has SOME type of access or inside information.

5. The first week of the separation, we were cordial and friendly. We even hugged and said "I love you." I even saw her and our child at her parents' house (I was still making arrangements to leave). After week one, she became cold as ice, and it hasn't stopped to this day.

6. I am certain of one thing--she is not cheating.

7. She told me she now sees signs and patterns that lead her to believe that I am no different than the other two men she had long-term relationships with before me.
So your pastor doesn't think that you should be able to see your own child???
It seems that her counselor in the church has advised she separate. This is completely against The bible which says wives should not separate.

My husbands ex was apparently advised the same thing by a 'Christian' counsellor, to have a time apart, they never recovered and she eventually found another man and ended the marriage. Its terrible advise. Their pastor told her that she had no reason to end the marriage but she did it anyway.

You says she is a very giving person, she isn't acting like one. To prevent your child from seeing his own dad is appalling behaviour.iF there is one thing that makes me mad, its parents who use their own children as pawns to hurt their spouse.

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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuchConfusion View Post
To answer a few more questions:

1. We are in our mid 40's. This is both our first marriage. We have been married for 12 years.

2. Our child is 8

3. We are regular church members at the same church. We often attend the same service. She is a very giving and religious person. I had issues with the church until I had my "come to Jesus" moment. We have the same friends. Our pastor has been giving me advice. She is getting her counseling from someone else within the church. I am also seeing an outside counselor.

4. I asked our pastor point blank last week if I should start pushing for joint custody or moving back into the house. He strongly advised against it. He said to give her complete space and see what happens. If she still doesn't make progress, we'll see. He says he'll know when it's time for me to give up. I'm assuming he has SOME type of access or inside information.

5. The first week of the separation, we were cordial and friendly. We even hugged and said "I love you." I even saw her and our child at her parents' house (I was still making arrangements to leave). After week one, she became cold as ice, and it hasn't stopped to this day.

6. I am certain of one thing--she is not cheating.

7. She told me she now sees signs and patterns that lead her to believe that I am no different than the other two men she had long-term relationships with before me.
Sounds like she is blaming you for why she isn't happy and why she doesn't want to be married to you. Going to your pastor is good for advice, but I wouldn't put your life on hold based on what your pastor thinks?

It seems like from the little you have shared, that you don't like making decisions, or leading. You want others to lead you, including your wife and pastor. You have to start leading your own life, and not waiting on others to give you the next step to take. I don't know if your wife is cheating, but don't rule that out.

Start to look after your own life, and you will find peace. As long as you sit by and wait for others to dictate the next move you should be making, you'll never ever be happy. Or at peace.

Sending you prayers that you find peace and the right path forward.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

If she isn't getting counseling from the pastor yet receiving counseling from someone within the church who exactly is that?

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:02 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Well, you can lead a horse to water. Good effort TAM.


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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:44 AM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

You seem to think that because you have made some changes, that she is supposed to come running back with open arms, ever so grateful for the amazing man you believe you have become. Its only been SIX WEEKS. If you have been short tempered (and therefore likely verbally abusive) for a long time, you created a home life that does not feel safe to her, and she isnt going to be able to get over it just like THAT. Six weeks is nothing, you cannot claim to be a changed person in that amount of time. Also, she likely shut down sexually for the same reasons. Women need to feel connection and trust with their partner. Did you ever show her any affection outside of the bedroom?

That said, she isnt within rights to keep your child from you. You said you didnt hear from him for a week, did you reach out during that time? You do need to seek legal advise about this.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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