I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:19 PM Thread Starter
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I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

She separated from me. It's been 6 weeks. She says her hope is reconciliation. We haven't communicated at all beyond logistics. I desperately want to talk. She says she's not healed. She has our child. Initially she was scared to let me keep her by myself. Then she let me have her twice last week, one an overnight visit with my family. Then after that, I have not seen or heard from my child at all for a week now. However, we do have an arrangement for me to have extended time a week from now.

I am so lost. She eases for a few days. Now I'm shut down again but we already have future plans for me with the child. If I contact her to ask about it, I violate her need for space and she will be done with me. And as I said, she doesn't want to talk to me at all until she heals. So I am literally clueless right now.

There are so many options going on in my head:
1. This is a test to see if I will lose my temper (which is one of her issues) or if I am genuinely changing by sitting back and taking it.
2. She hates me and is just doing this because she has the power now and she likes it.
3. It's not a test, but it's what she would consider a taste of my own medicine.
4. She has no intention of trying to change or reconcile and is just screwing with me.
5. She is a genuinely lost soul who has no idea what she's doing and her problem is bigger than me.
6. She knows I am committed to change and reconciliation and will wait for her, and I have already generally changed (and proven it), so why should she be in any hurry?

If anyone has similar experiences, please share with me. Or if you have insight to where we are right now, I'd love to hear it.

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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:28 PM
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Did you cheat on her?

If you have angry outbursts than she is right to separate from you until she knows you are a safe person to be around. Issues in the marriage cannot be resolved until you learn how to manage your anger.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:58 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

What is she healing from? Why has she left?

For now I would just make sure you have regular set times with your child set out so that you can be the best dad you can and dont need to contact her.
Its really unreasonable of her to tell you you cant even contact her about the child. After all the child is yours as well. Maybe you need to get some legal advise about that.

Last edited by Diana7; 04-08-2017 at 05:04 PM.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:09 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

It could be anything but with so little info I doubt anyone will guess.
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:12 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

However, she has no right to keep you from seeing your child. It sounds like you are extremely weak and have given her total control over the entire situation. Why?
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:15 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

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Originally Posted by SuchConfusion View Post
3. It's not a test, but it's what she would consider a taste of my own medicine.
This seems to imply that you've done something similar to her in the past. Could you elaborate on the bolded, please?
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:21 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Please enlighten us on why she has separated from you.

Without that information I'm not sure how anyone can tell you what item(s) on your list may or may not be true. Only your wife ultimately knows the answer, so she really needs to be a grown up and discuss whatever the problem is so you don't have to be guessing.

It's unreasonable for any couple that shares a child to have no contact. Especially early on while getting schedules figured out. If you are unreasonable and/or have angry/violent outbursts, then good luck...you may have blown all your chances of decent communication. Us ladies only take so much, and then we are done.

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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 07:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Here's basically what's going on. The last 10 months have been unusually traumatic for me. Major home and work disruptions. I've been bullied and harassed by a co-worker. I've gotten very angry, bitter, negative, depressed, etc.. I do raise my voice, but it's often because I'm forced to be the disciplinarian with our child, because she treats our child like her best friend. I tried to run the household and make most of the decisions, and I was very self-centered with that. I have become emotionally distant and rarely communicate because I have struggled with the work pressures. I have yelled and gotten angry, but it is not all-consuming. I have never, however, abused or laid a hand on anyone.

She told me when she separated that I needed to seek help. I have done it, and then some, and it is documented and she knows about all of it. I have demonstrated in my interactions with our child that I can manage it. I have not lost my temper one time and I have rebonded with our child. And now she's taken that away for over a week now. And I don't know why.

There are two complications in the matter. I have been told that our child is running a guilt trip on her. My wife is being told that daddy wants to come home and she won't let me come home. And I promise you I have said nothing and did nothing to encourage that. Also, she says I was violating her request for space. I have been admittedly guilty of that, but often it is because I shared things that I thought were essential to family matters, and she didn't think they were. So now I've gone almost two weeks without contacting her except for one important issue.

Everybody notices that I have made the changes that were needed. My family does. My child does. My co-workers do. All the people I associate with at our church do. She says it's all fake and refuses to give me a chance to prove that it isn't. I know that I hurt her and tried to be domineering. But I have literally given up everything to prove that things can change. She has the house. She has the child. She has the money. I am living in a child's bedroom at the home of one of my church associates, and she has her entire family living within 5 miles of her. I have given it all up, and she still won't give me a break. And I refuse to give in and lose my temper over this entire issue because I know that God is telling me to be patient and fight. But now I feel like I've been taken advantage of.
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Another part that I guess needs to be said. I am of the opinion that this is not entirely my fault. My father-in-law even told me that she is not innocent in this. We have intimacy issues. Typical male desire/no female desire stuff. That alienated me and made me retreat more. However, she says she didn't want to be intimate with me because I wasn't there for her. We both think the other one started it, and I started to get very ugly and manipulative about it at the end. But she had also broken some promises and did a couple of things that I would consider cruel.

But I'd be willing to let all of that go if she would just freaking talk to me instead of shunning me. I'm ready to reprioritize things.
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:03 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

@SuchConfusion,

It sounds to me like in the past you may have "made promises" of being different, being nicer, changing, etc. and finally after hearing empty promise after empty promise, she doesn't believe you. NOW you are saying you've given up everything and you've changed...but actions speak louder than words, and she's heard your words before! So she doesn't believe you. As of yet, you have not given her reason to believe you: you've got MAYBE two weeks of "leaving her alone" vs. how many YEARS of promising and breaking your promise.

So I make a recommendation. Right now she will not hear a word you have to say, and honestly I would not tell her to listen to you either. Right now you need to have your ACTIONS match your words. Keep up with the counseling. Keep up with learning about her emotional needs and her love language but DO NOT BUG HER. Keep up with being open, honest, and sensitive.

Regarding your child, it is not reasonable for her to keep the child from you. From a legal point of view, you have just as much "right" to the child as she does, and if nothing else it's reasonable to have 50/50 time with the child. However, my guess is that she views your "parenting" as abuse, and if she can prove in a court of law that you were emotionally or verbally abusive to the child, or if she can claim that she or the child are afraid of you because you "threaten" them...then she can go for a restraining order and you would be ordered to stay 500 feet away from them both!!

Thus I suggest that you let her know that you deeply miss your child and want to spend time, but that you are sensitive to her concerns. Then make arrangements to have some third party present during time with your child--so that you could say something like "I know you are worried about the way I've acted toward <child> but I do miss <child> very much and as his/her parent I do legally have a right to parenting time. So what I did, to help allay your worries, is I've arranged for BOB or SUE to be in the house while <child> spends time so <child> will be perfectly safe."



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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Your points are well-taken. I believe you have a spiritual background, so maybe you'll understand. I did try to change, but I feel that I couldn't do it because I tried to do it myself by myself. I have held a grudge against God for some past wrongdoings in my life. Now I have accepted him into my life and I am letting him be in control. I know I've got this now because I have God, my friends, and my church community by my side and guiding me in my actions.

I suppose you are saying that by giving her total space, I am demonstrating through action and not words. I had thought through demonstrating humility by giving her everything, I was demonstrating through action, and I was getting frustrated with my lack of feedback. Does that not count for anything? And as for the rest, how can I prove to her that this is more than words if I can't meet with her to demonstrate it? Is space ALL I can do right now?

Right now I am committed to understanding her concerns, and I want to express that to her. I have even written a letter stating how I believe I understand how she feels, how I violated her expectations from our marriage, and specific instances that demonstrated how I violated her trust. I want to tell her that I know we can't go forward toward eventual reconciliation until I give up my selfishness, and that I am committed to seeing things from her perspective in the future. Do you think that would make a difference?
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Also, I don't understand how not getting to talk to my child on the telephone violates anything. Weeks ago we agreed that I would get a call every night. Now it's been 7 days with no calls. There's no chance of abuse there. Besides, I already know that she puts me on speaker so that she can hear everything I've said. And I've gotten no feedback that what I've been doing was abusive or manipulative. I don't see how I'm actually regressing when I'm doing everything to the best of my ability, except for the violations of space which ended well before the current freeze-out.
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:33 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

For your own sake, you should seek some legal advice, at least as it relates to your child. It's not her call if you see your child or not. It's your kid, too.

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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:50 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

I read your first post and nothing else.

ASAP SEE AN ATTORNEY! as in see one yesterday.

It's ok not to retain an attorney just yet but get your rights and options laid out by a professional. Heck go see three or four for varying opinions.

Prepare for this to be a divorce, do not wait! If it ends up working out great, but if you wait and screw this up you'll **** yourself. Unless you don't want your kid around then by all means continue to allow her to tell you how it's going to be.


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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:30 PM
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Re: I don't have a clue what my wife is thinking

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuchConfusion View Post
She separated from me. It's been 6 weeks. She says her hope is reconciliation. We haven't communicated at all beyond logistics. I desperately want to talk. She says she's not healed. She has our child. Initially she was scared to let me keep her by myself. Then she let me have her twice last week, one an overnight visit with my family. Then after that, I have not seen or heard from my child at all for a week now. However, we do have an arrangement for me to have extended time a week from now.

I am so lost. She eases for a few days. Now I'm shut down again but we already have future plans for me with the child. If I contact her to ask about it, I violate her need for space and she will be done with me. And as I said, she doesn't want to talk to me at all until she heals. So I am literally clueless right now.

There are so many options going on in my head:
1. This is a test to see if I will lose my temper (which is one of her issues) or if I am genuinely changing by sitting back and taking it.
2. She hates me and is just doing this because she has the power now and she likes it.
3. It's not a test, but it's what she would consider a taste of my own medicine.
4. She has no intention of trying to change or reconcile and is just screwing with me.
5. She is a genuinely lost soul who has no idea what she's doing and her problem is bigger than me.
6. She knows I am committed to change and reconciliation and will wait for her, and I have already generally changed (and proven it), so why should she be in any hurry?

If anyone has similar experiences, please share with me. Or if you have insight to where we are right now, I'd love to hear it.
7. She's not interested in contacting you unless she needs you to watch the kid so she can spend time with her boyfriend.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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