After 23 years..now what? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:15 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy After 23 years..now what?

My husband is a “functioning alcoholic” and just wants to party, have fun, drink like he use to when he was 35 years old (his exact words).
Why after 23 years of unhappiness (as he told me on Christmas Eve) he couldn’t be honest and just tell me he wanted someone else?
Being with this man for 23 years married for 19 he couldn’t get the courage to tell me he wanted a divorce, he waited for me to take the first step.
After 15 yrs of marriage he started an affair on FB of which I did not know about until 2 ½ yrs later by just happening to pull the phone records which showed me the countless minutes and hours that they spent sharing their personal lives with each other all behind my back. When I finally confronted him, of course he told me that it wasn’t an affair, etc. it was like a “fantasy” for him and that it wasn’t meant to be sneaky, however he did admit that they had talked about getting together to spend the rest of their lives together. He said that he really wanted our marriage to work and that he would put in 150% and do whatever it would take to stay together including counseling and getting tested for STD’s (of which I was diagnosed with 2). With me knowing all of this, it turned out that he had put his name on several dating websites, had correspondence with the “ladies” on craigslist. Well it only took 1 year and he was back at it, this time it was with a women at work, the daughter of his boss, 20 yrs younger than him who has 3 kids and a husband (whom also works there), with the owners being her father and grandfather whom my husband works for both. She had the nerve and audacity to sit next to me at a party for 3 hours and had the nerve and audacity to come at sit at our table during his company Christmas party without her husband. I know the whole family. My husband is a mechanic/crew chief on a race vehicle that runs in the desert, which would take him out of town for long weekends and would party till the sun came up, be at the bars in town until 4 a.m in the morning as the story goes. He did not want me at these races because I did not fit in, and when everyone asked where I was he would tell them that “this is not her kind of thing” “she doesn’t like all the dust and dirt”. He was like the leader of the pack for all the younger (20 to 30 yrs younger) sons, pit crew guys/gals that went with. What married man acts like this, please tell me?
He was served with divorce papers on a Monday, that day he went out and got a new phone and would not give me the phone number for over 2 weeks I was told to email him if I needed to contact him. That Friday they met up and partied till all hours of the nite at which her husband tried texting my husband, probably looking for his wife. (I wondered how long it would take for him to catch on as to who it was that she was texting all night) It is my understanding that she is unhappy at home and wants out but is having a hard time because of the kids. This being said, I believe her dad talks to my husband about it like he is trying to help her through her difficult time, but her father hasn’t caught on that it is in fact an affair and my husband is not her “friend”, its more than that.
The people at work do not know that this is going on to this day (to the best of my knowledge) except for maybe her husband. It is very hush, hush. They talk and text all day at work and into the late nite hours. We own 2 homes and this all goes on when I am out of town or we are apart. When we were together, it stops monentarily but not for long. He or I could pull out of the driveway and they are back communicating. I guess this isn’t sneaky either.
What kind of 53 yr old man does this, I ask you men out there, puts his wife and mistress at the same table at a Christmas Party. Why not be the “standup guy” he says he is and say you are not happy?? There were years that he did not work and I paid all the bills, including the payments on his toys.
Now almost 2 months into the divorce proceedings, he brings her to a Nascar event (thankyou National TV) This was a safe haven for him & her they thought. Just how do you explain the suntans?
I ask myself, where are those kids and her husband? How does a mother of 3 sneak back into the house at 5 A.M.??
On Christmas Eve he was very intoxicated and said things to me about our life. His eyes were evil and the words coming out of his mouth were beyond hatred for me. I knew at this point it was over. On New Years Eve, very intoxicated again, he told me how f’d up his life was at work (and I am thinking, ya, you got yourself in a real bind down at work I bet) and proceeded to tell me that he might get fired but did not say why. I just put 2 & 2 together.
So within 2 weeks I took it upon myself and filed. It broke my heart to do this, in fact I was so scared I was shaking, but if I didn’t, I would just be made more of a fool, I would be more ashamed of myself and the humiliation because I know this whole family I just needed to end this. Just 6 months ago (and many other times) he stood in front of a group of people and said “I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for my wife.
As of today, he does not know what I know. I just figure why tell him, it doesn’t matter anymore and he could care less.
Please tell me out there, what do I do with myself?? I have no money…I feel scared, I hurt so bad and I just cry.
This is all just so sad because it did not have to end this way. I am not looking for sympathy, I am just trying to understand in my own mind. After 23 years together, he has just dis-owned me like over- night. Tell me, how can people just move on that fast??
Your input would be greatly appreciated.

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:36 PM
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Re: After 23 years..now what?

I'm sorry you're going through this pain and confusion. It sounds like your husband changed somewhere along the way, and he is just interested in pleasing himself and chasing after his own desires, now. It hurts right now, but you'll get past this. Filing was a good idea, I would possibly join a support group in your area, of people going through something similar, so you don't feel so alone in all of this. ((hugs)) Praying for you.

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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:40 PM
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Re: After 23 years..now what?

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

I know it took a lot of courage to file for divorce and move one, you will get a lot of helpful advice from folks on here.

He is in his affair fog, and when that happens nothing else matters not even his wife of 23 years. You need to start focussing on you now and get some counseling if you are not already.



You do matter!
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:11 PM
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Re: After 23 years..now what?

It's about time that you moved away from this,don't you think? As reading your last post over a year ago,coupled with this one,I can only assume you've been sitting in limbo for a long time. I can understand your fear of the future and whether or not you can be happy again. However,what you're living now obviously brings you no peace and joy. None of us can predict what our futures will hold,but if you stay in this situation then you can pretty much guarantee more of the same... your husband has been showing you,what you should consider as his true character,over quite a long time now.

One of my favorite quotes,because it can be so true of so many of us and for a multitude of reasons... "People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." -Thich Nat Hanh- Obviously,you have to make your own choice,but I hope it's to face your fear and make a stand for your own happiness.

I say,good for you for filing. Please,in no way make it about shame and you. This is about a man that promised and didn't deliver because of who he is at his core and his insecurities.

Peace

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:08 AM
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Re: After 23 years..now what?

Looks like you made a choice to put up with his drinking and cheating. There are so many wives who are naïve and do not see the signs of a cheating husband. I know a few who swear that their husband would never cheat on them while I know that they do cheat, and cheat often. Our girlfriend married a guy who I knew to be an alcoholic but love tends to blind you to your lover's faults. In their second year they had a baby and in their third year she came home early and did not find her husband with the baby. She had a hunch and sure enough he was sitting in a bar drinking with the baby in his arms. She kicked him out that day and they divorced. Some wives give their husbands too much slack until the husband realizes that his wife is not getting the obvious clues and he has to end it.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:54 AM
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Re: After 23 years..now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemons1 View Post
My husband is a “functioning alcoholic” and just wants to party, have fun, drink like he use to when he was 35 years old (his exact words).
Why after 23 years of unhappiness (as he told me on Christmas Eve) he couldn’t be honest and just tell me he wanted someone else?
Being with this man for 23 years married for 19 he couldn’t get the courage to tell me he wanted a divorce, he waited for me to take the first step.
After 15 yrs of marriage he started an affair on FB of which I did not know about until 2 ½ yrs later by just happening to pull the phone records which showed me the countless minutes and hours that they spent sharing their personal lives with each other all behind my back. When I finally confronted him, of course he told me that it wasn’t an affair, etc. it was like a “fantasy” for him and that it wasn’t meant to be sneaky, however he did admit that they had talked about getting together to spend the rest of their lives together. He said that he really wanted our marriage to work and that he would put in 150% and do whatever it would take to stay together including counseling and getting tested for STD’s (of which I was diagnosed with 2). With me knowing all of this, it turned out that he had put his name on several dating websites, had correspondence with the “ladies” on craigslist. Well it only took 1 year and he was back at it, this time it was with a women at work, the daughter of his boss, 20 yrs younger than him who has 3 kids and a husband (whom also works there), with the owners being her father and grandfather whom my husband works for both. She had the nerve and audacity to sit next to me at a party for 3 hours and had the nerve and audacity to come at sit at our table during his company Christmas party without her husband. I know the whole family. My husband is a mechanic/crew chief on a race vehicle that runs in the desert, which would take him out of town for long weekends and would party till the sun came up, be at the bars in town until 4 a.m in the morning as the story goes. He did not want me at these races because I did not fit in, and when everyone asked where I was he would tell them that “this is not her kind of thing” “she doesn’t like all the dust and dirt”. He was like the leader of the pack for all the younger (20 to 30 yrs younger) sons, pit crew guys/gals that went with. What married man acts like this, please tell me?
He was served with divorce papers on a Monday, that day he went out and got a new phone and would not give me the phone number for over 2 weeks I was told to email him if I needed to contact him. That Friday they met up and partied till all hours of the nite at which her husband tried texting my husband, probably looking for his wife. (I wondered how long it would take for him to catch on as to who it was that she was texting all night) It is my understanding that she is unhappy at home and wants out but is having a hard time because of the kids. This being said, I believe her dad talks to my husband about it like he is trying to help her through her difficult time, but her father hasn’t caught on that it is in fact an affair and my husband is not her “friend”, its more than that.
The people at work do not know that this is going on to this day (to the best of my knowledge) except for maybe her husband. It is very hush, hush. They talk and text all day at work and into the late nite hours. We own 2 homes and this all goes on when I am out of town or we are apart. When we were together, it stops monentarily but not for long. He or I could pull out of the driveway and they are back communicating. I guess this isn’t sneaky either.
What kind of 53 yr old man does this, I ask you men out there, puts his wife and mistress at the same table at a Christmas Party. Why not be the “standup guy” he says he is and say you are not happy?? There were years that he did not work and I paid all the bills, including the payments on his toys.
Now almost 2 months into the divorce proceedings, he brings her to a Nascar event (thankyou National TV) This was a safe haven for him & her they thought. Just how do you explain the suntans?
I ask myself, where are those kids and her husband? How does a mother of 3 sneak back into the house at 5 A.M.??
On Christmas Eve he was very intoxicated and said things to me about our life. His eyes were evil and the words coming out of his mouth were beyond hatred for me. I knew at this point it was over. On New Years Eve, very intoxicated again, he told me how f’d up his life was at work (and I am thinking, ya, you got yourself in a real bind down at work I bet) and proceeded to tell me that he might get fired but did not say why. I just put 2 & 2 together.
So within 2 weeks I took it upon myself and filed. It broke my heart to do this, in fact I was so scared I was shaking, but if I didn’t, I would just be made more of a fool, I would be more ashamed of myself and the humiliation because I know this whole family I just needed to end this. Just 6 months ago (and many other times) he stood in front of a group of people and said “I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for my wife.
As of today, he does not know what I know. I just figure why tell him, it doesn’t matter anymore and he could care less.
Please tell me out there, what do I do with myself?? I have no money…I feel scared, I hurt so bad and I just cry.
This is all just so sad because it did not have to end this way. I am not looking for sympathy, I am just trying to understand in my own mind. After 23 years together, he has just dis-owned me like over- night. Tell me, how can people just move on that fast??
Your input would be greatly appreciated.

Hi @Lemons1

Can I just say how sorry I am for what you are going through. This is absolutely terrible but I also honour you for your strength throughout the course of your marriage. To say that it's been hard would be an understatement i'm sure.

Now I can sit here and rattle off a whole bunch of reasons why he did what he did. I can say that he was extremely insecure and hence loved the attention. I can say that maybe some of his needs weren't being met. I can say that his life maybe didn't quite pan out in the way that he had envisioned and then he followed through on his fantasies - and whilst all those reasons are true, I can also say that his behaviour is absolutely terrible and you've made the correct decision in leaving him.

Your question about how to move on - you absolutely can but it requires you take this process one day at a time.
It requires you to go on the emotional journey that it takes you, allowing yourself to feel what you feel and then moving forward from there. This is absolutely critical because I see so many people mess this process up because they want to mask their emotions This only creates more pain. So feel it in its entirety but don't act on it.

In addition, you may not want to hear this but forgiveness is also paramount. As long we prevent ourselves from forgiving, we simply hold onto the pain which never allows us to truly overcome it.

This is not a simple process but you absolutely can move through it. It may not seem like it now but there is a huge opportunity here for growth. Trust in it and it will occur at the right time for you on the proviso that you go on the journey with the right intentions.

Hope that makes sense.

Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:51 PM
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Re: After 23 years..now what?

Good for you for filing!! I went to an attorney last week and literally shaking as I sat there.. It is scary and I thought what the heck am I going to do.. I haven't filed yet but as soon as I figure it out (place to stay, $$$$) I will.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:03 PM
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Re: After 23 years..now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemons1 View Post
My husband is a “functioning alcoholic” and just wants to party, have fun, drink like he use to when he was 35 years old (his exact words).
Why after 23 years of unhappiness (as he told me on Christmas Eve) he couldn’t be honest and just tell me he wanted someone else?
Being with this man for 23 years married for 19 he couldn’t get the courage to tell me he wanted a divorce, he waited for me to take the first step.
After 15 yrs of marriage he started an affair on FB of which I did not know about until 2 ½ yrs later by just happening to pull the phone records which showed me the countless minutes and hours that they spent sharing their personal lives with each other all behind my back. When I finally confronted him, of course he told me that it wasn’t an affair, etc. it was like a “fantasy” for him and that it wasn’t meant to be sneaky, however he did admit that they had talked about getting together to spend the rest of their lives together. He said that he really wanted our marriage to work and that he would put in 150% and do whatever it would take to stay together including counseling and getting tested for STD’s (of which I was diagnosed with 2). With me knowing all of this, it turned out that he had put his name on several dating websites, had correspondence with the “ladies” on craigslist. Well it only took 1 year and he was back at it, this time it was with a women at work, the daughter of his boss, 20 yrs younger than him who has 3 kids and a husband (whom also works there), with the owners being her father and grandfather whom my husband works for both. She had the nerve and audacity to sit next to me at a party for 3 hours and had the nerve and audacity to come at sit at our table during his company Christmas party without her husband. I know the whole family. My husband is a mechanic/crew chief on a race vehicle that runs in the desert, which would take him out of town for long weekends and would party till the sun came up, be at the bars in town until 4 a.m in the morning as the story goes. He did not want me at these races because I did not fit in, and when everyone asked where I was he would tell them that “this is not her kind of thing” “she doesn’t like all the dust and dirt”. He was like the leader of the pack for all the younger (20 to 30 yrs younger) sons, pit crew guys/gals that went with. What married man acts like this, please tell me?
He was served with divorce papers on a Monday, that day he went out and got a new phone and would not give me the phone number for over 2 weeks I was told to email him if I needed to contact him. That Friday they met up and partied till all hours of the nite at which her husband tried texting my husband, probably looking for his wife. (I wondered how long it would take for him to catch on as to who it was that she was texting all night) It is my understanding that she is unhappy at home and wants out but is having a hard time because of the kids. This being said, I believe her dad talks to my husband about it like he is trying to help her through her difficult time, but her father hasn’t caught on that it is in fact an affair and my husband is not her “friend”, its more than that.
The people at work do not know that this is going on to this day (to the best of my knowledge) except for maybe her husband. It is very hush, hush. They talk and text all day at work and into the late nite hours. We own 2 homes and this all goes on when I am out of town or we are apart. When we were together, it stops monentarily but not for long. He or I could pull out of the driveway and they are back communicating. I guess this isn’t sneaky either.
What kind of 53 yr old man does this, I ask you men out there, puts his wife and mistress at the same table at a Christmas Party. Why not be the “standup guy” he says he is and say you are not happy?? There were years that he did not work and I paid all the bills, including the payments on his toys.
Now almost 2 months into the divorce proceedings, he brings her to a Nascar event (thankyou National TV) This was a safe haven for him & her they thought. Just how do you explain the suntans?
I ask myself, where are those kids and her husband? How does a mother of 3 sneak back into the house at 5 A.M.??
On Christmas Eve he was very intoxicated and said things to me about our life. His eyes were evil and the words coming out of his mouth were beyond hatred for me. I knew at this point it was over. On New Years Eve, very intoxicated again, he told me how f’d up his life was at work (and I am thinking, ya, you got yourself in a real bind down at work I bet) and proceeded to tell me that he might get fired but did not say why. I just put 2 & 2 together.
So within 2 weeks I took it upon myself and filed. It broke my heart to do this, in fact I was so scared I was shaking, but if I didn’t, I would just be made more of a fool, I would be more ashamed of myself and the humiliation because I know this whole family I just needed to end this. Just 6 months ago (and many other times) he stood in front of a group of people and said “I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for my wife.
As of today, he does not know what I know. I just figure why tell him, it doesn’t matter anymore and he could care less.
Please tell me out there, what do I do with myself?? I have no money…I feel scared, I hurt so bad and I just cry.
This is all just so sad because it did not have to end this way. I am not looking for sympathy, I am just trying to understand in my own mind. After 23 years together, he has just dis-owned me like over- night. Tell me, how can people just move on that fast??
Your input would be greatly appreciated.

So sorry Lemons but this is the same story for many people on here.
I know you have been through so much and its emotional facing a divorce but I ask you to keep your head on straight and get as much from your WH, don't let down your guard. He will suffer the consequences of his actions, you think the OH will take this lightly, he will get sacked and end up losing everything.

Please get a good lawyer and seek advice
Get access and copies of all private documents relating to assets, insurance, bank accounts, etc
Tell the OM he is entitled to know, let the OW do damage control on her end
I know you don't want him back but you need the affair to be over so he can get a grip and start doing the right thing by his family
If he is an alcoholic you are better of without him, believe me
Tell all family, friends, everyone what you now know, do not cover for him, this is his time to face up to the consequences, it is no reflection on you
How many kids do you have? how old?
You also need to go to Al Anon (you have been damaged by his alcoholic abuse, there is no other way to describe it). Al Anon is for the loved ones of alcoholics and to help them with co-dependence
After Al Anon, get some IC for yourself. Rely on your friends and family to get you through this.
I guarantee you will look back on this episode of your life and know that divorce was the best thing you did for yourself. You can get through this.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:23 PM
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Re: After 23 years..now what?

Good for you for filing!

Time to start thinking single.

Make lists. Figure out what you need, and what you need to do to get there.

Make copies of all legal paperwork that you can find in the house.... pay stubs, bank statements, tax returns, titles, insurance, kid expenses, utilities, car payments, .....everything. Don't tell him you are doing anything, just do it. And put it somewhere he won't find it.

Make your house your OWN. Just un"ex" it. Take down couple pictures. (Give the kids a framed pic for there room) Rearrange furniture. Pack up anything that he still has there and stick it in the garage. If he had a "man cave", dismantle it and make it what YOU want it to be. Re-do the bedroom....make it YOURS. ANYTHING you don't want, use or care about.... get rid of it or put it with his stuff.

Gather your girlfriends, or sisters, or whoever your support group is...around you. Lean on them, laugh with them...you don't have to do this alone. If you have no one, then FIND some support. Look up DivorceCare. Or meetup.com or volunteer one night a week, just for the human company and because it feels good to help others even when you are hurting.

If you have kids at home....start new traditions, new routines. Make it fun, make it work for y'all.... he doesn't get a vote anymore. It's no longer about what he would do, or how he would do it, or that we do it that way because he liked it. He is voted off the island.... now make it YOURS.

This is your opportunity to make your life YOURS. Make it suit you. It's not easy....but it is soooooooooo worth it.

I've been where you are. 23 years married and he ditched us.... but I just celebrated 12 years with my 2nd husband. You will find a way, you will find yourself, make your life how you want it to be!

It takes time....but you can do it.
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:06 AM
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Re: After 23 years..now what?

He is a piece of ****, dont bother trying to wrap you mind around HOW and WHY. This is just who he is. Expose the affair to the OW's husband, he has every right to know, especially if there are already problems. He deserves the truth and his out.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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