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Old 01-04-2012, 07:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My ex husband wants to try and work on getting back together after being divorced for

I filed for divorce with my now ex husband 2 1/2 years ago. I moved out with our two boys, bought a home about 1 hour from him. When we got divorced it was very difficult for him, it was hard on me but i felt i was making the right decision. He and i now get along, we at times stay at eath others houses, i stay at his because i get together with friends, we stay out late and i just stay and never thought anything of it. he stays at my place at times since its far and the boys like that their dad stays sometimes. we do not sleep together! now he has mentioned he would like to try and work it out in hopes of getting back togethter. now i have been through a lot, he and i lost each other, we never did things together. it was if we were roommates. he was not there emotionally for me, i just felt empty. now he wants to work on this to see if we can connect?? i dont understand. He has all the chances in the world to work on this with me before the divorce, now he want s to try?? i have no idea what to think. sure it would be nice for the kids, but how can i do this? how do you know if its right or not? how does one go from divorce to. I dont even know what to ask here. any thoughts, questions from anyone to help me figure this out would be appreciated.
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Old 01-04-2012, 08:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My ex husband wants to try and work on getting back together after being divorced

That's a tough one. Would he be willing to go to MC with you? I know it would be nice for the kids but will it be good for YOU? You will have to feel loved and he will have to learn to be there for you. Is he willing to change or has he changed? that is a hard spot to be in
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Old 01-04-2012, 08:57 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My ex husband wants to try and work on getting back together after being divorced

Marriage counseling should help navigate the waters, and help both of you decide if you're ready to dive in. I wish I had done this earlier with my wife. If you think there's a chance and are both willing, it should be a very worthwhile process. Whatever you decide, best wishes.
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Old 01-05-2012, 09:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My ex husband wants to try and work on getting back together after being divorced

He said he would do anything, he wants to do counseling. we have to figure out what type o therapy we would need, relationship therapy, marriage counseling? we arent married. i feel we neeed to figure out what went wrong. he has said he wants to shange, but as far as im concerened he is who he is, what can change? i cant change to someone im not. he is a drinker thats one problem, i cant expect him to stop because in reality it wont. its weekend drinking with neighbors out in the garage and staying up late getting drunk. hes 49 and im 41. in the past he had stopped drinking but started again after a couple years, in reality it will be this way and i dont want to deal with it. I dont know that he has changed, but he is at least talking about it. dont you have to be atttracted to the person? im not attracted to him, maybe because of all i have dealt with over the years. everytime we get together with friends and neighbors i can say something someone gets mad and he is always on the other persons side and doesnt see my point. he doesnt nottice when a female is digging at me for whatever reason, he has just never understood me and my feelings. what things should i be thinking about crucial to a relationship.
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Old 01-05-2012, 10:44 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My ex husband wants to try and work on getting back together after being divorced

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He said he would do anything, he wants to do counseling. we have to figure out what type o therapy we would need, relationship therapy, marriage counseling? we arent married.
You were married. Marriage counseling seems appropriate.

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i feel we neeed to figure out what went wrong. he has said he wants to shange, but as far as im concerened he is who he is, what can change? i cant change to someone im not. he is a drinker thats one problem, i cant expect him to stop because in reality it wont. its weekend drinking with neighbors out in the garage and staying up late getting drunk. hes 49 and im 41. in the past he had stopped drinking but started again after a couple years, in reality it will be this way and i dont want to deal with it. I dont know that he has changed, but he is at least talking about it.
People change all the time. Drinkers can stop drinking. Will he? Who knows? Can he? Sure.

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dont you have to be atttracted to the person? im not attracted to him, maybe because of all i have dealt with over the years. everytime we get together with friends and neighbors i can say something someone gets mad and he is always on the other persons side and doesnt see my point. he doesnt nottice when a female is digging at me for whatever reason, he has just never understood me and my feelings. what things should i be thinking about crucial to a relationship.
You should be attracted to him for a relationship to work. And you were at one time. It sounds like your resentment is killing your attraction. But it is possible to deal with resentment.

And it's possible for your ex to reform. Men can certainly educate themselves on the ways women dig at each other. And men can become more sensitive.

I would take his offer at face value, with no pressure. You're already spending time with him. Just open yourself up to the possibility of some romance. If he reforms and you can repair your family, great. If you can't get over the hump, maybe you can still get something positive from counseling. It's unlikely you'll make your situation any worse.

Good luck.
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Old 01-05-2012, 10:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My ex husband wants to try and work on getting back together after being divorced

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I filed for divorce with my now ex husband 2 1/2 years ago. I moved out with our two boys, bought a home about 1 hour from him. When we got divorced it was very difficult for him, it was hard on me but i felt i was making the right decision. He and i now get along, we at times stay at eath others houses, i stay at his because i get together with friends, we stay out late and i just stay and never thought anything of it. he stays at my place at times since its far and the boys like that their dad stays sometimes. we do not sleep together! now he has mentioned he would like to try and work it out in hopes of getting back togethter. now i have been through a lot, he and i lost each other, we never did things together. it was if we were roommates. he was not there emotionally for me, i just felt empty. now he wants to work on this to see if we can connect?? i dont understand. He has all the chances in the world to work on this with me before the divorce, now he want s to try?? i have no idea what to think. sure it would be nice for the kids, but how can i do this? how do you know if its right or not? how does one go from divorce to. I dont even know what to ask here. any thoughts, questions from anyone to help me figure this out would be appreciated.
Go on some dates and feel it out.
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Old 01-05-2012, 11:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My ex husband wants to try and work on getting back together after being divorced

Do you want to get back together with him or not?

Answer that for yourself.

In the meantime, stop playing house with him and sleeping over and hanging out. He prob thinks after you divorced him that you want to get back if you are doing all those things.
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Old 01-05-2012, 12:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My ex husband wants to try and work on getting back together after being divorced

I see how you would think we were playing house, yes i could have stayed at my friends instead. to answere your question I dont know if i want to get back together with him, no if he doesnt change. i need to communicate with him, he is not a communicator. we never did things together, we dont have the same interests. however he would help me do anything i was interested in, but to actually be interested is more important isnt it? hes a hard worker, has a stressfull job , he loves his kids.
Im burned out on all the past.
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Old 01-06-2012, 05:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My ex husband wants to try and work on getting back together after being divorced

Thanks for all your imput, I appreciate it
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Old 01-07-2012, 11:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My ex husband wants to try and work on getting back together after being divorced

I would like to address this from a different angle. What changes have you made? Marriages seldom fall apart because of one person. Have you taken the time to access your part in the marital breakdown? If he changes, what about you?

Please don't take this as me trying to beat you up or anything but all I've seen in your posts are about what he did or didn't do. I think that the fact that he was supportive in your interests is a good thing. He may never be fully interested in your things but he's interested enough in YOU to be there.

It is my belief that kids are better off with loving parents under the same roof. What has to happen, though, is both parties have to be willing to do the work. Both parties should take responsibility for their mistakes and commit to doing things differently.
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Old 06-16-2012, 09:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My ex husband wants to try and work on getting back together after being divorced

POV from a guy who just got served with a divorce and a wife who felt like you.

I knew we had some issues, and was focused on work for what I believed was a family goal. I THOUGHT we were good.

If I had thought for a minute that my marriage was in trouble, I would have about-faced in a new york minute.

My point being, I was clearly deaf, dumb and blind and probably a poor communicator.

But I love her more than life and if I had thought we were HERE, I would have thrown away the farm to save us. Her feeling this way was never my heart.

And it breaks my heart that a woman I love so much could feel as unloved as you describe. It breaks my heart more that I can't get her to therapy. I'm at a loss.

If you loved this man, I would say try therapy. This is what I have been telling my wife.

It isn't going to hurt anything.

He could love the hell out of you and have some issues expressing it that getting hit on the head with a divorce is causing him to face (I am).

Or he could be a total schmuck. But is there anything to lose by trying therapy?
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Old 08-21-2012, 10:01 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My ex husband wants to try and work on getting back together after being divorced

All this sleeping over must be confusing the heck out of the kids.

If drinking was an issue in the past, I certainly would never consider re-connecting until he's proven it's no longer a potential issue in the future.
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