Feeling trapped - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 06:11 AM Thread Starter
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Feeling trapped

I have posted on the considering separation and on the depression forums before as my H has depression too. But I know it's the right decision.

I am based in the U.K.

I feel like I can't breathe now. I told him in Jan that I can't take anymore. I played it softly softly as I was wobbling between is it the right thing or not after 22 years together met when I was 18 years old and he was 22. We have 2 children 8 and 12. These are the reasons I didn't want to split up and why I wobbles but I can't stay

He doesn't earn as much money as I not that I am bothered with that but I can't just leave the home as I wouldn't take the kids and I have no money to pay for another home while my name is on the mortgage.

I have said I need him to tell his parents as he hasn't as of yet told anyone and he is bottling it all up to the point that I was worried he may be having dark thoughts as he said he doesn't think he will make it out from this situation: but part of me wonders is this is his manipulation to try and keep me.

I keep having anxiety attacks now over this situation he knows I can't leave until the valuation and until the equity in the house is sorted out. He has never once said he will miss me, all he has said is about the kids being devastated and that he wont be able to spoil them as he won't have enough money too.

I don't know what to do. I could tell him to tell his parents before I do? I can't see me staying in this environment and keeping my sanity. I also can't see the kids being kept away from it.

I have played happyish families for the kids benefit for 6 years and I am worn out now.




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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:10 AM
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Re: Feeling trapped

Ahh the good ole "I'm gonna kill myself" my husband does that all the time. I've already had to pull him out of his car in the garage twice. Yes he needs help but he will never admit it; it's everyone else's fault.
I wish I never married him as I know my life would have been so different.
Talk? Ha ha ha ha and he's a communication's major, talk I think we say 5 sentences to each other in a week. If it's not what he wants to hear then forget about it he shuts down.
I'm trapped, unhappy, and don't want to be blamed if he kills himself because "he can't live without me". He means "who is going to cook for me?" he's a weak man.
It took me 17 years to figure out how useless he is. Want examples fine I'll give you a trillion examples.
"hon the piece came in for the grand kids bed to fix it as it had a recall" do you really think he would actually fix it? NOPE, so one of the grandkids fell thru, he was warned but too lazy to fix it.
Cripes there are way to many and I'm tired of doing everything.
He's lost 50 lbs so he is skin and bones and he looks like a girl naked so yes I am totally turned off. He is 6'2 weighs 150 is he dying? I don't know he looks it but HE doesn't seem to see how gross he looks, everyone see's it.....Is he dying I get asked that all the time. I say yes because he looks sick and he won't go to the doctor. I'm not his mother he's a grown ass man of 60 yrs old.
Boring boring boring we have nothing in common. WHY was I so desperate to get married? To be loved why why why? Now if I leave him I lose my grand kids (that's how it works and don't even try to tell me it would be different it wouldn't as soon as I got a new man my step kids would be bye) so I am stuck as I love my grand kids but my husband is an ******* a man of no communication.
I can now see why his 1st wife cheated. If this is the way he was with her (oh and he does NOT do oral sex so I haven't had oral sex in 17 yrs but he's going to be one lonely ass man.
He looks handsome but once he takes out some of his teeth, gets naked, farts and burps 1000 times the next woman won't last so long as I did.
I'm stuck too but I am glad I found this site as I know I'm not alone.
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling trapped

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Originally Posted by sabrinajohnson1 View Post
Ahh the good ole "I'm gonna kill myself" my husband does that all the time. I've already had to pull him out of his car in the garage twice. Yes he needs help but he will never admit it; it's everyone else's fault.

I wish I never married him as I know my life would have been so different.

Talk? Ha ha ha ha and he's a communication's major, talk I think we say 5 sentences to each other in a week. If it's not what he wants to hear then forget about it he shuts down.

I'm trapped, unhappy, and don't want to be blamed if he kills himself because "he can't live without me". He means "who is going to cook for me?" he's a weak man.

It took me 17 years to figure out how useless he is. Want examples fine I'll give you a trillion examples.

"hon the piece came in for the grand kids bed to fix it as it had a recall" do you really think he would actually fix it? NOPE, so one of the grandkids fell thru, he was warned but too lazy to fix it.

Cripes there are way to many and I'm tired of doing everything.

He's lost 50 lbs so he is skin and bones and he looks like a girl naked so yes I am totally turned off. He is 6'2 weighs 150 is he dying? I don't know he looks it but HE doesn't seem to see how gross he looks, everyone see's it.....Is he dying I get asked that all the time. I say yes because he looks sick and he won't go to the doctor. I'm not his mother he's a grown ass man of 60 yrs old.

Boring boring boring we have nothing in common. WHY was I so desperate to get married? To be loved why why why? Now if I leave him I lose my grand kids (that's how it works and don't even try to tell me it would be different it wouldn't as soon as I got a new man my step kids would be bye) so I am stuck as I love my grand kids but my husband is an ******* a man of no communication.

I can now see why his 1st wife cheated. If this is the way he was with her (oh and he does NOT do oral sex so I haven't had oral sex in 17 yrs but he's going to be one lonely ass man.

He looks handsome but once he takes out some of his teeth, gets naked, farts and burps 1000 times the next woman won't last so long as I did.

I'm stuck too but I am glad I found this site as I know I'm not alone.


It's horrible feeling like this. I am only 41 and don't want to (I am sorry and I don't want you to be offended I don't mean it that way) that I don't want to wake up on another 20 years and wish I had moved on.

Today another prime example of him just not getting it. He wanted me and the kids to go to his parents house to visit them. I refused, instead of asking me away from the kids he asked infront of them, why? I said as it isn't appropriate again he asks why? Omg really! How can he ask why? I didn't engage in conversation with him as the children where there and I am trying to protect them as much as possible. I've text him saying I cannot pretend to be all happy families when I am not. I've had enough I'm done.

I can't go anywhere I have to stay until he moves forward. I live in hell. I feel guilty that I've left the kids again. I can't even do things that make me happy, I should run while they are they are there but what is the point


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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:12 AM
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Re: Feeling trapped

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Originally Posted by summer41 View Post
I have posted on the considering separation and on the depression forums before as my H has depression too. But I know it's the right decision.

I am based in the U.K.

I feel like I can't breathe now. I told him in Jan that I can't take anymore. I played it softly softly as I was wobbling between is it the right thing or not after 22 years together met when I was 18 years old and he was 22. We have 2 children 8 and 12. These are the reasons I didn't want to split up and why I wobbles but I can't stay

He doesn't earn as much money as I not that I am bothered with that but I can't just leave the home as I wouldn't take the kids and I have no money to pay for another home while my name is on the mortgage.

I have said I need him to tell his parents as he hasn't as of yet told anyone and he is bottling it all up to the point that I was worried he may be having dark thoughts as he said he doesn't think he will make it out from this situation: but part of me wonders is this is his manipulation to try and keep me.

I keep having anxiety attacks now over this situation he knows I can't leave until the valuation and until the equity in the house is sorted out. He has never once said he will miss me, all he has said is about the kids being devastated and that he wont be able to spoil them as he won't have enough money too.

I don't know what to do. I could tell him to tell his parents before I do? I can't see me staying in this environment and keeping my sanity. I also can't see the kids being kept away from it.

I have played happyish families for the kids benefit for 6 years and I am worn out now.




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from your writing above it is clear you are exasperated, but still not clear why.

can you articulate what is so intolerable about living with him?
not saying you are wrong, only that you need to be clearer about what it is that makes him a bad mate, other than you married too young,
he doesn't make a lot of money.
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling trapped

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Originally Posted by jorgegene View Post
from your writing above it is clear you are exasperated, but still not clear why.



can you articulate what is so intolerable about living with him?

not saying you are wrong, only that you need to be clearer about what it is that makes him a bad mate, other than you married too young,

he doesn't make a lot of money.


He shows no support, he hates me being better than him in anything. He puts me down. He comes out with nasty comments makes me feel pathetic and useless.

He is manipulative, emotionally.

I've posted examples but on another board. But he shows no love and affection for me and hasn't in a long time. I have endured this for 6 years for the sake of the children but it's got worse.
He falls asleep all the time. Not shared the same bed for 6 years due to his weight gain and snoring. I've pleaded on hands and knees 3 years ago to go to marriage guidance to be rejected and if I smile more it will all be ok, again reflecting his own feelings back onto me. I resorted to pleading via text message to avoid the rejection but got no reply so self preservation stopped me doing it to avoid being hurt.
We went to marriage guidance this year after I said enough is enough and it was pointless she even said that to me, he showed no empathy had no flexibility it was all my fault all of it. It just verified my decision. I have a stressful job and also do everything around the house other than cook tea and that's only because I am still working. I told him in January it's over we are now nearly in May and I am going insane. Nothing has changed. He does nothing - leaves the dog mess in the garden for me to pickup. I wash all the clothes. He is a good dad but he has no motivation and I am weary. He uses the kids against me he said to my eldest 12 year old that "mum brings out the worst in people" I didn't call him back, I defended him saying he was tired. I always defend him I never call him to the kids as it's not fair.


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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: Feeling trapped

ok, so he is an abusive, disinterested husband and a lazy slob. i get it.
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:43 PM
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Re: Feeling trapped

Quote:
Originally Posted by summer41 View Post
He shows no support, he hates me being better than him in anything. He puts me down. He comes out with nasty comments makes me feel pathetic and useless.

He is manipulative, emotionally.

I've posted examples but on another board. But he shows no love and affection for me and hasn't in a long time. I have endured this for 6 years for the sake of the children but it's got worse.
He falls asleep all the time. Not shared the same bed for 6 years due to his weight gain and snoring. I've pleaded on hands and knees 3 years ago to go to marriage guidance to be rejected and if I smile more it will all be ok, again reflecting his own feelings back onto me. I resorted to pleading via text message to avoid the rejection but got no reply so self preservation stopped me doing it to avoid being hurt.
We went to marriage guidance this year after I said enough is enough and it was pointless she even said that to me, he showed no empathy had no flexibility it was all my fault all of it. It just verified my decision. I have a stressful job and also do everything around the house other than cook tea and that's only because I am still working. I told him in January it's over we are now nearly in May and I am going insane. Nothing has changed. He does nothing - leaves the dog mess in the garden for me to pickup. I wash all the clothes. He is a good dad but he has no motivation and I am weary. He uses the kids against me he said to my eldest 12 year old that "mum brings out the worst in people" I didn't call him back, I defended him saying he was tired. I always defend him I never call him to the kids as it's not fair.


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What have you changed about how you interact with him?

You're both in this dance and have been for a long time.
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 09:34 PM
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Re: Feeling trapped

Here is a link to Summer's other thread so you can catch up on her situation.

Is this normal?

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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling trapped

Update

We've got to the point where he has told his mum. He has booked a holiday to the south coast for a week just him and the kids. This is somewhere I always wanted to go yet it was in his view too far to drive. It's like he is doing this to hurt me.

I've booked 4 nights in the Lake District. I don't know how is going to pay for the holiday.....

I told him I am struggling I am having memory lapses with the stress and anxiety attacks. I need him to get the house valued so we can sort out the finances.

I asked him one question why he wanted me to stay as throughout this he has never said in plain text.. I got back "i love you" but his version of love and mine are two different things.

I am struggling now with these 3 words. His actions tell a different story. I am struggling understanding why I feel so disgusting inside yet this is meant to be what I want to happen in order for me to be happy. He is now acting like it's all ok as he has said those three words like that makes 6/7 years of no empathy nor emotion ok. Any tips on how to cope with this feeling ?


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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 01:48 PM
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Re: Feeling trapped

Quote:
Originally Posted by sabrinajohnson1 View Post
Ahh the good ole "I'm gonna kill myself" my husband does that all the time. I've already had to pull him out of his car in the garage twice. Yes he needs help but he will never admit it; it's everyone else's fault.
I wish I never married him as I know my life would have been so different.
Talk? Ha ha ha ha and he's a communication's major, talk I think we say 5 sentences to each other in a week. If it's not what he wants to hear then forget about it he shuts down.
I'm trapped, unhappy, and don't want to be blamed if he kills himself because "he can't live without me". He means "who is going to cook for me?" he's a weak man.
It took me 17 years to figure out how useless he is. Want examples fine I'll give you a trillion examples.
"hon the piece came in for the grand kids bed to fix it as it had a recall" do you really think he would actually fix it? NOPE, so one of the grandkids fell thru, he was warned but too lazy to fix it.
Cripes there are way to many and I'm tired of doing everything.
He's lost 50 lbs so he is skin and bones and he looks like a girl naked so yes I am totally turned off. He is 6'2 weighs 150 is he dying? I don't know he looks it but HE doesn't seem to see how gross he looks, everyone see's it.....Is he dying I get asked that all the time. I say yes because he looks sick and he won't go to the doctor. I'm not his mother he's a grown ass man of 60 yrs old.
Boring boring boring we have nothing in common. WHY was I so desperate to get married? To be loved why why why? Now if I leave him I lose my grand kids (that's how it works and don't even try to tell me it would be different it wouldn't as soon as I got a new man my step kids would be bye) so I am stuck as I love my grand kids but my husband is an ******* a man of no communication.
I can now see why his 1st wife cheated. If this is the way he was with her (oh and he does NOT do oral sex so I haven't had oral sex in 17 yrs but he's going to be one lonely ass man.
He looks handsome but once he takes out some of his teeth, gets naked, farts and burps 1000 times the next woman won't last so long as I did.
I'm stuck too but I am glad I found this site as I know I'm not alone.

God Lady, dump him, get divorced and get laid...new man...every day for a year. Get this bitter lemon out of your mouth.

I peeked in your window a while back. You have no ball and chain around your leg. GET OUT AND ENJOY LIFE!

THERE..... you have been orally lashed by an Avatar! Was it good for you?


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.

Last edited by SunCMars; 04-25-2017 at 01:57 PM.
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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 01:55 PM
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Re: Feeling trapped

Quote:
Originally Posted by summer41 View Post
Update

We've got to the point where he has told his mum. He has booked a holiday to the south coast for a week just him and the kids. This is somewhere I always wanted to go yet it was in his view too far to drive. It's like he is doing this to hurt me.

I've booked 4 nights in the Lake District. I don't know how is going to pay for the holiday.....

I told him I am struggling I am having memory lapses with the stress and anxiety attacks. I need him to get the house valued so we can sort out the finances.

I asked him one question why he wanted me to stay as throughout this he has never said in plain text.. I got back "i love you" but his version of love and mine are two different things.

I am struggling now with these 3 words. His actions tell a different story. I am struggling understanding why I feel so disgusting inside yet this is meant to be what I want to happen in order for me to be happy. He is now acting like it's all ok as he has said those three words like that makes 6/7 years of no empathy nor emotion ok. Any tips on how to cope with this feeling ?


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He gave you three drops from a blinking eye dropper.

He put them in your 7 year un-evaporated crying tank. He should have used food coloring, that way you could see some semblance of a different Love-Hue-for-You.

I bet when he goes fishing, thie fish look at him as one of their own. The cold fish variety.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 02:37 PM
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Re: Feeling trapped

Quote:
Originally Posted by summer41 View Post
Update

We've got to the point where he has told his mum. He has booked a holiday to the south coast for a week just him and the kids. This is somewhere I always wanted to go yet it was in his view too far to drive. It's like he is doing this to hurt me.

I've booked 4 nights in the Lake District. I don't know how is going to pay for the holiday.....

I told him I am struggling I am having memory lapses with the stress and anxiety attacks. I need him to get the house valued so we can sort out the finances.

I asked him one question why he wanted me to stay as throughout this he has never said in plain text.. I got back "i love you" but his version of love and mine are two different things.

I am struggling now with these 3 words. His actions tell a different story. I am struggling understanding why I feel so disgusting inside yet this is meant to be what I want to happen in order for me to be happy. He is now acting like it's all ok as he has said those three words like that makes 6/7 years of no empathy nor emotion ok. Any tips on how to cope with this feeling ?


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Saying and showing are two different things. If you in fact want to try again, to save your marriage, tell him that ACTIONS speak louder than words.
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: Feeling trapped

I don't quite understand why he has all the power and you're just in limbo waiting for him to get the valuation. Is there absolutely nothing you can do about it?
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 03:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling trapped

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
I don't quite understand why he has all the power and you're just in limbo waiting for him to get the valuation. Is there absolutely nothing you can do about it?


You're right, I have been treading carefully so as to make this as pain free for him as a possible - boy do I feel stupid now.

I think I am going to just get one (a valuation) now. But then it's up to him to seek financial advice to see if he can afford the house.


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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-26-2017, 12:21 AM
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Re: Feeling trapped

Summer,

I have read this and gone through your original post and I can see where you are at, and no it is not a good place, but you have the capacity to do something. Like many a poster here has said it takes two to make it work and I am not seeing anything other than he is not willing, and that in itself is the route to failing as it has been for so long. So that also gives you the capacity to do something for you, and only you can do that.
I total follow your thought process and the treading carefully, but I think perhaps he has seen this in the past and used it to hold on, just keeping things as the status quo, after all it can seem easier sticking with what you know because that feels safer, in no way emotionally or physically better, but a sense of security.
Personally I think you do need to get out, get empowered, you are jointly on the mortgage so you can do some things, not necessarily pull the whole thing from under him without him knowing, but put the ball firmly in his court, get it going and he will have to respond.
As for the kids, eventually they will see a better life and understanding both as they grow up but as you, and indeed he, lead your own lives without animosity. For the kids and where possible try and keep arrangements relatively equal and always as positive as possible, but it sounds like he could be the type to put things across that puts you in a negative light from what I have read, do not be disheartened too much by that, and don't play fire with fire, keep positive and supportive and they also will come through it. Just for reference my ex wife used to tell the kids how I was this or had said that from an earlier age, but when all said and done they have grownup knowing me and made their own decisions, without detriment to any relationships.

On another note as you stride forward on your own, there are a couple of things I have picked up, first in your other thread you said how you dropped everything and everyone to be with him initially he was your world, bear that in mind in that you will build a social circle, and have friends and when you are in the mind of feeling ready and a potential new partner comes by that it is important to keep those friends and that circle and you build a life with your partner with those friends and not replacing with him.
So that and just to highlight from a male point of view there are plenty out there that do love oral, and have to say it can be so much better to give than get at times!!! Enjoyments are to be had.

So put your thoughts down on paper, or,notebook or whatever, look at what needs doing and get empowered, get the evaluation, get things moving and force his hand.
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