she is kicking me out :( - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:35 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Do not leave your house. If she is unhappy, then she can leave.

You are both to blame here. Her for being a helicopter mom, and you for being checked out. I have never seen anyone post here and blame their kids for the issues in their marriage. You BOTH have failed each other in this marriage by not prioritizing each other. How can you expect to be effective parents when you arent even partners? Do you love her? Because in reading your posts, it honestly doesnt sound like it. I dont think you meant to push her that one time, to be honest, I think she overreacted.

Get into counseling, and DO NOT LEAVE.


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post #17 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:42 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
These are all symptoms of what a SAHM eventually becomes: strong willed, bossy, always make everything her husbands fault, never cleans anything. I went through the same thing and it hurts went another guy has to go through all that crap.
I agree, there may be some truth to this.
.................................................. .................................................. ....................................
However, his handy work is evident here, also. He struck her anvil.

He fired up the forge....white hot. In went his wife, from a poisonous past, into an incompatible marriage.

He hardened her heart and her resolve. It may be that she WAS inclined to this sort of behavior and his alloy melded to hers was a toxic mix of steel and bile.

Doomed to a brittle future. One too many slams....the marriage breaks.

That day has arrived....the union is broken.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #18 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

How's the sex? Are you two meeting each other's needs? I didn't see any mention of intimacy, so I'm guessing it's zero? Do you really have a marriage or just roommates trying to make it to the next day?
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post #19 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:03 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

I agree with your wife- you need to take your angry outbursts very seriously and get help. Your marriage will not improve until you decide to no longer have angry outbursts. They are killing the love your wife has for you and making her feel unsafe with you.

I suggest you leave for a few weeks and stay in a motel or similar while enrolling and beginning treatment for your anger. If your wife sees you taking responsibility for your problem, she may consider having you rejoin the family if you can prove to her that you will continue treatment as long as you need.

There is no excuse for throwing/breaking things and scaring your wife and children.


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post #20 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

As everyone says you have both reached limits with each other, you both need to take time out. You do not have to move out of the house, just do a temporary in house separation.

Explain this to your wife, that this is your home, your kids and you are not moving out, but will agree to take time out.
Sometimes when there is so much conflict, resentment, etc it is better to agree not to talk about the problems as they are too sensitive and raw for you both. In other words take some days/weeks to calm down so that you can both be more rational.
Try and formulate the things in your head that need to be discussed, ask her to think about the things she wants to discuss and when things are calmer sit down and do so. If possible consider MC.
For now do the 180 on her, act calm, nice but firm. Refuse to discuss anything to do with emotions, or anything that would trigger an argument.
Sometimes due to the arguments, resentment the couple cannot see or hear each other properly.

Pls get MC
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post #21 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

like almost everyone is saying, you need some anger management and counseling.

having said that, unless your actions are really more harsh and abusive than they sound, your wife does not
have moral cause to kick you out. both of you need to work this thing out.
my view is that you don't break up a marriage over things that can be rectified.

i don't see any mortal sins here, at least from what iv'e heard.
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post #22 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:28 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

I agree. Neither of you should move out. it sounds like separate bedrooms (for now) and giving each other space is good enough for now but only until you both have been able to move past this conflict. She may remember every detail over the years and you may forget but that may just be the product of gender and station in life. The point is that she said her piece and you apologized and it's time to move forward. You two need to choose to move past the hurt and communicate. Moving out would prohibit this. Instead you likely need MC.

I think that she did overreact in this but she knows that you have a temper as you say she forgets NOTHING and so likely this had been boiling up for years and created one moment where the perfect storm happened and you both lost control. Likely, she's scared that she will set you off again and doesn't want that. FWIW it doesn't sound like you're abusive, just neglectful but have anger management issues. Maybe she feels you don't do enough around the house. Maybe you have anger management issues. I don't know for sure but clearly seeking out IC would help and hopefully look like an effort on your part.

BTW, how old are the kids? Are they old enough to look after each other? After 20 years I hope so. If that's the case, then both of you need to make efforts in learning how to be a couple again and do things together without the kids in tow. Maybe it's also time you worked less and your wife took a PT job at someplace like Michael's or something too. I know that as a SAHP myself being stuck at home breeds loneliness and frustration.
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post #23 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:33 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Likely the hoarding situation is increasing the tension around the house. This is a symptom of a much larger issue, which needs addressed. There are professional organizers that can come in and give direction on how to clean up & organize. Also address this issue in therapy as well. If itís bad, itís just a matter of time before authorities get involved.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #24 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:44 AM
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Cool Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
These are all symptoms of what a SAHM eventually becomes: strong willed, bossy, always make everything her husbands fault, never cleans anything. I went through the same thing and it hurts when another guy has to go through all that crap.
Damn, JB! I didn't know that you had been foolin' around with my RSXW!

In her case, she was a SAHM who richly(no pun intended)lived off of her many investments and horse trading interests!

Although wealthy, she was too damned cheap to hire a housekeeper except before Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas! There were places in that house that were so damned nasty, it would make a buzzard with a cast iron stomach puke! If it ever got cleaned, it was by me! Her rotten dropout dopehead kids had dirty dishes stacked up in their rooms, and if I ever started to bring them down and clean them up, I caught sheer hell from her because she said that "I was only enabling them!"

She was bossier than hell and was just one mean witch who, as I sadly found out later, absolutely loved to rattle other men's bones whenever she hit the road on business!

Now I don't rightfully know about them, but if she wasn't serviced just right, you could literally hear the creaking gates of hell open up!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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Last edited by arbitrator; 04-18-2017 at 10:55 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #25 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:56 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by m00nman View Post
BTW, how old are the kids? Are they old enough to look after each other? After 20 years I hope so. If that's the case, then both of you need to make efforts in learning how to be a couple again and do things together without the kids in tow. Maybe it's also time you worked less and your wife took a PT job at someplace like Michael's or something too. I know that as a SAHP myself being stuck at home breeds loneliness and frustration.
Agree 100%. Once all kids are in full time school, there is no longer a need for a SAHP, especially one who doesnt even look after the home. (I equate hoarding to not taking care of your home) She needs to get out and get a job. She also needs to remember she has a husband.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #26 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

I know where you were coming from with the kids being responsible for the demise of your marriage. It's not true, you and your wife are 100% responsible for this.

Just because you become parents doesn't mean to forget to fill each other's needs! Marriage vows do state to forsake all others for your partner; that includes the kids. You both created a huge crack in your marriage. All her focus went to the kids, house, her hobbies etc. You were pretty much out on your own at that point. Instead of taking action by maybe having to lose everything and in the end gain it all, you drove yourself into work and further alienated yourself from the family you formed.

Sadly, I did the same with the exception that my X husband was your wife and I was you. He made me look and feel like a terrible mother for wanting attention from him when he had to give it all to the kids because they were small and needed him more. That was pure BS and I ate that **** sandwich whole as did you. I started filling in that void too. I worked full time, took another part time job teaching adult classes to women who needed to go back into the work force due to spousal abuse. The shelter and my teaching job took most of my time and left little time for anything else. I loved my kids, but my now X took over that role for almost everything and I allowed it. The only thing I always did, was be the disciplinarian of the two. He was the fun parent. I was the nagging one that wanted them to clean up, finish homework, go to bed early, shower, brush their teeth etc. He was the one that made tents out of sheets, ate on the floor while watching TV and leaving a royal mess everywhere. Oh yes, he didn't have much growing up, so my kids had all the toys money could buy. We did have that: money to buy all kinds of ****.



Looking back and after years of therapy, that right there was the beginning of the end of my marriage because I did the worst thing I could have done to fix what was starting to become what was going to end the marriage 19 years later.

Looks like it may be the same for you, but hopefully not. My marriage finally ended when my X hit midlife and went into full crisis mode. He ran off into the sunset in a silver mustang convertible with a sleazy girl 17 years younger and I had to divorce him in order for him not to take the house, kids college funds, savings and everything else he could.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #27 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:07 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

If you leave now, without legal counsel, without some sort of document in place, you will live to regret your decision.
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post #28 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 11:50 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Giving her space without legal aide will kick you in the arse dude! A lawyer will let you know if she can legally claim you abandoned them instead of giving her "space".

Your wife looks the type to throw you under the bus anytime she can. That is how detached you two have gotten. I don't see where giving her more space will have a positive effect in your marriage. It's more like visually seeing just how far away from each other you two truly were.

Do the kids even miss you? Do they want daddy to come back home? Did you lose them too?

Looks like walking away and facing what is truly wrong is the way you work on things. That was me too for a long time. I woke up too late, hopefully you can do better since there is no third person in the mix yet.

You two need to date and get to fall in love with one another again. That has been numbed up for way too long. It may be blossomed again. That is where your focus needs to go if you want you family back. You gotta start with your partner dude. You have to win the babies back too if they are siding with mom to leave you out.

I got my babies back and they love me and always did. Dad, not so much. He is still fun in a different way. He buys them with money instead of toys now. They see right through him now. Mommy was the stable, tough loving type of parent. The one that wasn't their best bud and left them when they had to make their own lives and dad seeked a different best bud in OW.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #29 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
What struck me..between the ears, was the detail of your recollection, of your very-long dirty-laundry list..... of slights aimed your wife.

You seem to have memorized these things. And you have an excuse for all of them. This is not unique, humans do this to assuage their quilt. They rationalize their own bad behavior.

You sound bitter and you sound petty. You got your digs in [to her] at every opportunity.

To me, you are forever on edge, You are hyper-critical. You are not forgiving of others [normal] idiosyncrasies. Your thin skin tingles and quivers at the slightest of irritation and you lash out.

You are HIGH MAINTENANCE, having a personality that very few can work around, work with, work through.

Just sayin'.
I appreciate the tough talk here, i need it. As my username says, i'm usually more confused and lost, and i usually don't know what to do next. I do admit, i have a temper which i bottle up, and it comes out in the worst of times. note that everything i have recounted have been repeated over and over again by her - by my nature, i don't remember details. Also, one thing that she says about me is interesting - and perhaps true, she calls me a fair weather friend, that i'm there for all the happy times, but not there for the tough times - in this case, the tough times are when she is unhappy and i'm clueless about it.
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post #30 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
You might want to consider this approach, OP:

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife
wow, this is an excellent article, i'm still working my way through it, but it has some good stuff - i can identify with almost everything in there, in trying to explain my actions, i have dug a deeper hole, and i keep doing it - i just don't acknowledge her issues. wow - thanks for pointing me to this.
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