she is kicking me out :( - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
Do not leave your house. If she is unhappy, then she can leave.

You are both to blame here. Her for being a helicopter mom, and you for being checked out. I have never seen anyone post here and blame their kids for the issues in their marriage. You BOTH have failed each other in this marriage by not prioritizing each other. How can you expect to be effective parents when you arent even partners? Do you love her? Because in reading your posts, it honestly doesnt sound like it. I dont think you meant to push her that one time, to be honest, I think she overreacted.

Get into counseling, and DO NOT LEAVE.
i tried theraphy after my plate throwing incident - i didn't feel it helped. I just sat there and poured out my feelings to a stranger, i went 3 times, and i didn't feel better, or felt i got any good advice, the therapist just kept saying that i should bring my wife in to also talk to him, but i told him several times it wouldn't work, how does a successful counseling work? how interactive should i expect the counselor to be?

Also, thanks for your comment - yes, i agree, we both have failed.

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post #32 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
How's the sex? Are you two meeting each other's needs? I didn't see any mention of intimacy, so I'm guessing it's zero? Do you really have a marriage or just roommates trying to make it to the next day?
its been few and far between - the interesting thing is that there are weeks in the month where things are a bit better between us, but if we miss that window (Eg. i'm stressed from work etc) then it doesn't happen. In addition, the type 2 has impacted my performance quite a bit... which lends to the stress of intimacy.
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post #33 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I agree with your wife- you need to take your angry outbursts very seriously and get help. Your marriage will not improve until you decide to no longer have angry outbursts. They are killing the love your wife has for you and making her feel unsafe with you.

I suggest you leave for a few weeks and stay in a motel or similar while enrolling and beginning treatment for your anger. If your wife sees you taking responsibility for your problem, she may consider having you rejoin the family if you can prove to her that you will continue treatment as long as you need.

There is no excuse for throwing/breaking things and scaring your wife and children.


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thanks for giving me this perspective - there is no excuse for the behavior.
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post #34 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
As everyone says you have both reached limits with each other, you both need to take time out. You do not have to move out of the house, just do a temporary in house separation.

Explain this to your wife, that this is your home, your kids and you are not moving out, but will agree to take time out.
thanks, i will try this - I do think this is a better arrangement.
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post #35 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by jorgegene View Post
like almost everyone is saying, you need some anger management and counseling.

having said that, unless your actions are really more harsh and abusive than they sound, your wife does not
have moral cause to kick you out. both of you need to work this thing out.
my view is that you don't break up a marriage over things that can be rectified.

i don't see any mortal sins here, at least from what iv'e heard.
yes, i agree. I too think that everything must have a recourse, or a way to forgiveness, she doesn't, and it kills me everytime she says it - perhaps the 180 is right, engaging on the emotional level in this time only digs a deeper rut, as the hurt is there, and the vengeance is painful.
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post #36 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Do not leave your home.
Do not leave your home.
Do not leave YOUR home.

Get a lawyer.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #37 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by m00nman View Post
BTW, how old are the kids? Are they old enough to look after each other? After 20 years I hope so. If that's the case, then both of you need to make efforts in learning how to be a couple again and do things together without the kids in tow. Maybe it's also time you worked less and your wife took a PT job at someplace like Michael's or something too. I know that as a SAHP myself being stuck at home breeds loneliness and frustration.
they are just finishing junior high and will go to high school next year, the youngest will start jr high as well. As for working less, i've always told her that i would love to switch roles, as it would be a great change from the stress in the corporate world, where putting up appearances is key. She dismisses this as a disrespect for the role she has at home - "so you think what i do is that easy huh?" - i guess i misread her call out of help here as well

Right now, i'm torn, i could quit the job, scale way back, but i'm not sure she wants that either. I actually don't think she knows what she wants other than me out of the house.
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post #38 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by alwaysconfusedandlost View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I agree with your wife- you need to take your angry outbursts very seriously and get help. Your marriage will not improve until you decide to no longer have angry outbursts. They are killing the love your wife has for you and making her feel unsafe with you.

I suggest you leave for a few weeks and stay in a motel or similar while enrolling and beginning treatment for your anger. If your wife sees you taking responsibility for your problem, she may consider having you rejoin the family if you can prove to her that you will continue treatment as long as you need.

There is no excuse for throwing/breaking things and scaring your wife and children.


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thanks for giving me this perspective - there is no excuse for the behavior.

I want to say that I agree with Jessica here. Your angry outbursts are not acceptable.

Your wife is also right that if she had called 911, they might very well have arrested you for domestic violence. So you are lucky right now that she did not call 911 and that she did not get hurt.

The way to avoid this sort of thing never, very touch your wife when the two of you are angry. And if she wants to leave the house, she has the right to leave. You trying to stop her is wrong. You could have voiced your objection, but that is all you can do.

I also agree that you need to get into at least anger management classes/counseling. If you want to show your wife that you are taking your marriage seriously, you will do that.
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post #39 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 12:46 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by alwaysconfusedandlost View Post
yes, i agree. I too think that everything must have a recourse, or a way to forgiveness, she doesn't, and it kills me everytime she says it - perhaps the 180 is right, engaging on the emotional level in this time only digs a deeper rut, as the hurt is there, and the vengeance is painful.
I would not 180 her, if by that you mean withdraw from her. I would make sure that any interaction on your end is kind, gentle, and considerate, though, just like that article suggests.

How is your health now? What are you eating these days?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #40 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 01:00 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
Damn, JB! I didn't know that you had been foolin' around with my RSXW!

In her case, she was a SAHM who richly(no pun intended)lived off of her many investments and horse trading interests!

Although wealthy, she was too damned cheap to hire a housekeeper except before Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas! There were places in that house that were so damned nasty, it would make a buzzard with a cast iron stomach puke! If it ever got cleaned, it was by me! Her rotten dropout dopehead kids had dirty dishes stacked up in their rooms, and if I ever started to bring them down and clean them up, I caught sheer hell from her because she said that "I was only enabling them!"

She was bossier than hell and was just one mean witch who, as I sadly found out later, absolutely loved to rattle other men's bones whenever she hit the road on business!

Now I don't rightfully know about them, but if she wasn't serviced just right, you could literally hear the creaking gates of hell open up!
Damn, Sir,

Rightly and wrongly abused by Her were You.

The rest of us Male Folk have been whipped.

You Sir......were scourged.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #41 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 01:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
I would not 180 her, if by that you mean withdraw from her. I would make sure that any interaction on your end is kind, gentle, and considerate, though, just like that article suggests.

How is your health now? What are you eating these days?
i'm coping with type 2, though i have gained some weight back - the work stress and home stress gets to me, and i haven't gone back to exercising regularly. i know it's my fault, but getting home at 7-8pm then cooking, cleaning up, then trying to get an hour of me time means everything else falls off - sigh.
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post #42 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

You need to wake up partner!

Throwing a plate is probably something 95% of husbands have done sometime or another. Not appropriate behavior, but 1 time in 20 years isn't that big of a deal.

YOU are a doormat. YOU don't count in your wife's mind. YOU are nothing but a paycheck for her and guess what? YOU have set yourself up to CONTINUE to be her paycheck when YOU ALLOW YOURSELF to be kicked out of your own house.

You work all day. You are the sole breadwinner.
Tell me what your wife does on a daily basis. How many kids are in school for 8 hours?
How many are at home all day? What does she get done?

You are worried to death about your wife, walking on pins and needles constantly, I suspect.
Your resentment is building because you work every day while she sits at home with nobody to tell her when or what to do, and you get ZERO respect. So little respect, in fact, that she feels she can kick you out of your own house. LOL!!!!!!!!!!

My advice: If things are so bad that someone needs to leave, ask her to get a job and she can find her own place. I can tell you that "hell no!" will be her answer to getting a job and leaving the home.

SHe has obviously been researching ways to get you out of the house, researching options for HER in divorce on how to screw you out of paying for her lifestyle without her working, and probably home on the internet researching your replacement.

You are having basically no sex with her (not serving HER needs for intimacy/sex)
You are not being quiet enough while she wipes her feet on you (how dare you actually defend yourself when your breakfast you got up early and cooked isn't tasty enough).
And you are a ready-made free paycheck when she divorces you. She knows you'll probably want the kids a lot, and that will give her time to go party/find a new **** without the kids on your dime while you have the kids/babysit for her for free.

Now, tell me that you can talk to her like a reasonable person and that she respects your feelings and your opinions. You can't? Well, there you go!

Here's your future:

Divorce
Pay her alimony and child support
You work to support her and your kids, she does nothing.
She finds herself a new man and shacks up.
You still work and pay for THEM to live.
She sits up on her rear.

Now, if you want to get the best possible outcome so you might have a decent future for yourself, get a lawyer pronto.
Realize your wife is going to try to set you up for abuse charges and have you put out of your own house. VAR. Video cameras in the home. DOn't let your wife railroad you.
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post #43 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 01:17 PM
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Cool Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by alwaysconfusedandlost View Post
I appreciate the tough talk here, i need it. As my username says, i'm usually more confused and lost, and i usually don't know what to do next. I do admit, i have a temper which i bottle up, and it comes out in the worst of times. note that everything i have recounted have been repeated over and over again by her - by my nature, i don't remember details. Also, one thing that she says about me is interesting - and perhaps true, she calls me a fair weather friend, that I'm there for all the happy times, but not there for the tough times - in this case, the tough times are when she is unhappy and I'm clueless about it.
Exact same damned verbiage that I heard from my RSXW!

So glad to know that her new "Mr. RSXW" is the one getting himself an earful now! ��

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 04-18-2017 at 01:38 PM. Reason: Edification
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post #44 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:12 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Please lawyer up, if you have not beaten the crap out of anybody in your house or even close to that, you are not an abuser like she is painting you. Wake up and stop eating what you are being fed. I work with abused families, yours doesn't even sound close to that.

If you want your family you fight for it with knowledge. She has taken advantage for too long. I worked, so did my X. We shared equally in taking care of the kids. He cooked and I cleaned or vice versa.

She has used you for way too long and has controlled everything in your house. She reminds me of my own daughter and how she treats her husband with the difference that they have been married only 6 years. Stop being a doormat. Demand your needs in a way that won't make you look like a beast, but a loving man that has been taken advantage for way too long. If your wife doesn't see it, she is a fool.

She may indeed have found a replacement unknown to you. Leave no stone unturned. Knowledge is power. Dig and dig some more. Why does she now want to throw you out?

Why are your kids not asking for daddy to come back?

What is missing here?

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #45 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Neither you nor your wife are taking personal responsibility for what is going on in your lives, your marriage, or your family life. That is the core of the problem right there. Further, you do not have each other's backs, but you generate ill will towards each other. This is the recipe that caused this disaster. Your children are learning to do the same.

First thing is to start taking care of yourself and learning what is healthy and what is not; body, soul, and spirit.

Stop eating grains and sugars. This means no bread, cereal, pasta, rice, corn, soda pop, fruit juice, etc. Load your plate with vegetables. You have to feed your body properly in order for it to work for you.

Start reading some books about emotional health and emotional intelligence.

Not all therapists are good therapists, but there are some out there who know their stuff. You might have to talk to a few before you find someone who is a good fit who will help you. It might take you a year, because you will likely have to wait a few weeks to a couple of months to get in to see a new therapist and you might have to do that a few times.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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