she is kicking me out :( - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 153Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #61 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 12:54 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 611
Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by alwaysconfusedandlost View Post
i just wrote this - i'm thinking of sending this in email to her - any feedback?

"I hurt you, I betrayed your trust. I made the safe place that is home into a place where you feel trapped alone, without any support and help. I ignored or minimize your feelings with my ignorance, I tried to find fixes instead of listening. I have been a terrible person, and a terrible husband that is not worthy of you. Just realizing that I have been continuously doing this to the person I love is a terrible realization, and has woken me up. I have found a new therapist whom I am seeing on Friday, my focus is on controlling my anger, and seeing a different perspective that I have been missing for a long time. My goal is to rebuild (if it can) what I have so stupidly thrown away.

For many good reasons, you have asked me to move out. What I will do is move to the basement, and stay out of your way, give you space. I do this as the family is my responsibility as well, I will continue do my fatherly duties, and I will continue to work on the house, do my part, but the home will be more peaceful this way. I will co-parent, and not be an absent one.

Over the last 20 years, nothing has made me more content and happy than the family I have grown with you, while I have not expressed it as often, all of you ground me in life, and I could ask for nothing more. While I live life with few regrets, what I have done to you has become my biggest. "
I'd suggest starting off on a more positive note, as it sounds like she has issues to work on as well. But I agree with you that you first need to eliminate your angry outbursts and are acknowledging that to your wife.

"Dear Wife,

You mean everything to me. You and our family are my top priorities. I want to create a happier, healthier marriage with you and I understand that in order to do that, I must eliminate my angry outbursts. I've hurt you and our family by my actions. I'm meeting with a therapist on Friday for weekly appointments to learn how to completely eliminate all angry outbursts and manage my frustrations in a safe way. Once I've accomplished this, I'd like you to consider entering marital coaching/therapy with me so we can learn how to better care for each other and solve any issues in our marriage in a mutually agreeable way.

During this time, please consider allowing me to give you space by moving into our basement, where I will be able to still help with the children and home while in anger management therapy. I will respect your need for space while doing so."

Jessica38 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #62 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 12:57 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,996
Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by alwaysconfusedandlost View Post
i just wrote this - i'm thinking of sending this in email to her - any feedback?

"I hurt you, I betrayed your trust. I made the safe place that is home into a place where you feel trapped alone, without any support and help. I ignored or minimize your feelings with my ignorance, I tried to find fixes instead of listening. I have been a terrible person, and a terrible husband that is not worthy of you. Just realizing that I have been continuously doing this to the person I love is a terrible realization, and has woken me up. I have found a new therapist whom I am seeing on Friday, my focus is on controlling my anger, and seeing a different perspective that I have been missing for a long time. My goal is to rebuild (if it can) what I have so stupidly thrown away.

For many good reasons, you have asked me to move out. What I will do is move to the basement, and stay out of your way, give you space. I do this as the family is my responsibility as well, I will continue do my fatherly duties, and I will continue to work on the house, do my part, but the home will be more peaceful this way. I will co-parent, and not be an absent one.

Over the last 20 years, nothing has made me more content and happy than the family I have grown with you, while I have not expressed it as often, all of you ground me in life, and I could ask for nothing more. While I live life with few regrets, what I have done to you has become my biggest. "
Do not send that email. It's good to admit your faults, but that self flagellation in there is at a level that makes me uncomfortable. Let's see what others have to say.

If she is trying to set you up to get you out of the house, that email would be a great bit of evidence for her to show the police. You are basically admitting to domestic violence in i

While you are thinking of moving to the basement, wait a bit for that.

Let's clear up some things that are not completely clear right now.

You say that you threw dishes.

When did you do this? What other angry, destructive things have you done? How long ago did you do these things, how often? Make a list of the things that you did so that we have a very clear image of what you have done.

How often do you yell at her in anger? When have you done this?

How often have you put your hands on her in anger? Hit her, pushed her? Etc? And when did these times happen?
EleGirl is online now  
post #63 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 12:58 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 1,715
Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I'll take the opposite view on this. I really don't think you have a problem with anger. Ok so you bottle it up sometimes and it comes out it's not like you knowingly abuse her. You are...human?? She was looking for an edge, something she could use to bring you down. She found it and she's going to use it over and over until she gets what she wants. I suggest you do the same she did to you, look for that flaw and bait her til she messes up.
this is definitely interesting, JB. My bet is that his wife isn't perfect either and maybe he should illustrate her flaws to even out the score while working to improve himself.

I love my wife more than everything in the world but if I kicked her out of the house everytime she freaked out, the hotel expenses would have bankrupted us by now. The same goes in reverse.

The problem with OP is that he has capitulated to a large extent and his self guilt is going to ultimately drive him out and before he knows it, another guy will be living in his house with his kids while he is trying to 'give her space'.

That is not to say that she's cheating on him now though nothing in 2017 surprises me. However, separation enables such situations
wmn1 is offline  
 
post #64 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:00 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 35
Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by wmn1 View Post
....
I feel there is more at play here. Noone takes 20 years and kids and starts throwing out works like 'that's a crime' It tells me that OP may be getting setup. Further, what spouse wants their spouse to move out with finances and kids in play.

There is something else here. OP needs to take a chill pill but also needs to live there and be on top of the situation for his kids and his marriage/family. Yes, VAR immediately
....
I am pretty sure there is no other man, no other situation here. One thing she has is pride like no other - while she may eventually realize that she can come out ahead in this situation - i know she is more absorbed about leaving everything behind. I've seen her isolate herself in terrible situations with her family, and spiral badly. Her sister has also behaved this way, she broke up with her husband (many many years ago), and then basically dropped off the face of the earth, refusing to return calls from the family, and not even wanting to be contacted. This is how messed up the family can be. This is why the advice around not leaving the home actually resonates lot with me - not due to fear on what will happen around finances/custody, i actually have fear around what she would do as she spirals.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wmn1 View Post
.....
Finally, yes I think you need therapy in controlling your anger and I am not saying that you didn't do wrong because you did. However but that email you are thinking about sending her is a complete capitulation and will cuckold you to her for a very long time. You have to strike a balance between contrition and defending yourself by illustrating the importance of the good things you have done while the importance of you being the kids father comes into play. tell her you are getting help.

You are begging to stay in your own house which is a bad move. Giving her unlimited space is bad and an email like the one you are sending makes you look extremely weak. And weak guys normally lose, even if they somehow save their marriage, they are never respected again.
I get what you are saying. What i have seen in the last 20 years, is that a softer approach works with her. This is how i get her to calm down and talk to her mum again, this is how i make her stop scolding or being angry at the kids. this is how i have managed to get her to talk to me again before. So it is perhaps the only thing i know how to do now.

I don't know how a total change into an assertive individual looking out for himself would be consistent with my behavior for the last 20 years - would it push her further away? would it justify her decision/thought process? those are my concerns.

thanks for reading and commenting though - it has been great in helping me process.
alwaysconfusedandlost is offline  
post #65 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:01 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,996
Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I'd suggest starting off on a more positive note, as it sounds like she has issues to work on as well. But I agree with you that you first need to eliminate your angry outbursts and are acknowledging that to your wife.

"Dear Wife,

You mean everything to me. You and our family are my top priorities. I want to create a happier, healthier marriage with you and I understand that in order to do that, I must eliminate my angry outbursts. I've hurt you and our family by my actions. I'm meeting with a therapist on Friday for weekly appointments to learn how to completely eliminate all angry outbursts and manage my frustrations in a safe way. Once I've accomplished this, I'd like you to consider entering marital coaching/therapy with me so we can learn how to better care for each other and solve any issues in our marriage in a mutually agreeable way.

During this time, please consider allowing me to give you space by moving into our basement, where I will be able to still help with the children and home while in anger management therapy. I will respect your need for space while doing so."
This sounds a lot better.

Except that I would change that last paragraph to read:

"During this time, I will be moving into our basement, where I will be able to still help with the children and home while in anger management therapy. I will respect your need for space while doing so."

I would not ask her for permission. It gives her to option to dig in her heals to say that no, he has to move out. It's not her choice whether he moves to the basement or not. He's moving to the basement to give her some space for a short period of time, 3-6 months max. That's his choice.
EleGirl is online now  
post #66 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:07 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,996
Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by alwaysconfusedandlost View Post
I don't know how a total change into an assertive individual looking out for himself would be consistent with my behavior for the last 20 years - would it push her further away? would it justify her decision/thought process? those are my concerns.
If you work to change yourself into a more assertive, self assured person, it will take time. You are not going to do this in one day. It will be a more gradual change, so she will have time to adapt to it as the changes take place.
EleGirl is online now  
post #67 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:10 PM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,526
Re: she is kicking me out :(

You shouldn't be changing yourself to get your wife back.

You should be doing it to be a better person..... the kind of husband, father, and person you want to be.

If it gets her back and the relationship is healthy great. If not you're a better guy.

Be the person you want to be.
lifeistooshort is online now  
post #68 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:18 PM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 20,137
Re: she is kicking me out :(

I think your letter sounds sincere and heartfelt. Your wife will know that.

You have to change, OP. And going to counseling is a good way to start.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #69 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:26 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,996
Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
I think your letter sounds sincere and heartfelt. Your wife will know that.

You have to change, OP. And going to counseling is a good way to start.
His wife needs to make some serious changes too.

She's a hoarder... there is a room that is not usable because she filled it with junk. He says that the rest of he house is similarly cluttered. Living with a order can be a huge emotional stress. If his wife is a hoarder, it also means that she has some serious emotional problems that need to be fixed.


He works full time and has to cook dinner most of the time. That tells me that she is not doing what a SAHM is supposed to do. Him having to come home and cook every night after working all day is just wrong. She clearly cannot take care of a home and children. I get his level of frustration. I've been through with a husband who could not seem to do anything all day so that I had to come home and cook and clean. This is, in my book, her abusing the OP.

This is why I suggested that he leave out the self flagellation. They need to see a counselor and talk about both of their contribution to the problems. They have both done wrong.
EleGirl is online now  
post #70 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:30 PM
Member
 
Taxman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: The Frozen North
Posts: 320
Re: she is kicking me out :(

Neither party should leave, however, the two of you need to lay some ground rules, AND biggie in this: You both need to get into therapy, whether you like it or not, both of you have issues and long standing festering anger. As a layman, just reading your first post, one can see that there is a ton of resentment, which, if I were to project a bit, has probably never been addressed in a calm and rational manner.

There was a poster on here a while back who also had similar issues with his wife and they did separate. He learned to leave the behaviors that were endangering his marriage in the past. She learned to trust him again. I cannot remember his name but the thread describes a marriage that was on life-support and came back. (If anyone can find this, please send a PM to the OP, in this situation, I think it would be most helpful)

One last thought: Anger is poisonous to a marriage, it is also fairly useless in getting your point across. It does nothing but alienate the people who mean the most to you. Be well.

Taxman is offline  
post #71 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 01:33 PM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 20,137
Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
His wife needs to make some serious changes too.

She's a hoarder... there is a room that is not usable because she filled it with junk. He says that the rest of he house is similarly cluttered. Living with a order can be a huge emotional stress. If his wife is a hoarder, it also means that she has some serious emotional problems that need to be fixed.


He works full time and has to cook dinner most of the time. That tells me that she is not doing what a SAHM is supposed to do. Him having to come home and cook every night after working all day is just wrong. She clearly cannot take care of a home and children. I get his level of frustration. I've been through with a husband who could not seem to do anything all day so that I had to come home and cook and clean. This is, in my book, her abusing the OP.

This is why I suggested that he leave out the self flagellation. They need to see a counselor and talk about both of their contribution to the problems. They have both done wrong.
Who decides what a sahm is "supposed" to do?

I think a sincere, humble approach is his most likely bet for opening her up before they are able to see a counselor, if she accepts to go.

She would not recognize Jessica's voice in that letter. But she surely would recognize her husband's.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #72 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 04:13 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,864
Re: she is kicking me out :(

If you send her any email remotely like that, you are screwing up.

You would have a better chance of getting your wife back if you told her to GTFO, slapped her face, and spit on her as she left.

What that letter will do is:

Cement in her mind that even you think she is right to divorce you.
Give her something to throw back in your face in the future.
Repulse her by your weakness.

But you're going to send it.
I know you are. I sent one like it. Regret it every day.
Evinrude58 is offline  
post #73 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 06:16 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 35
Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
If you send her any email remotely like that, you are screwing up.

You would have a better chance of getting your wife back if you told her to GTFO, slapped her face, and spit on her as she left.

What that letter will do is:

Cement in her mind that even you think she is right to divorce you.
Give her something to throw back in your face in the future.
Repulse her by your weakness.

But you're going to send it.
I know you are. I sent one like it. Regret it every day.
do you suggest i give it to her f2f then?
alwaysconfusedandlost is offline  
post #74 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:09 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 35
Re: she is kicking me out :(

I moved to the basement tonight. I did the move while she was sending the kids to violin class. I printed out the letter I had shared with the forum with some tweaks and left it on her side of the bed. Its strange to sleep alone in the house after so many years. Wish me luck. Therapy starts tomorrow. I'm trying to stay strong.
alwaysconfusedandlost is offline  
post #75 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:41 AM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,996
EleGirl is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
New thread with Update Erudite General Relationship Discussion 249 03-07-2016 11:07 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome