she is kicking me out :( - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by wmn1 View Post
this is definitely interesting, JB. My bet is that his wife isn't perfect either and maybe he should illustrate her flaws to even out the score while working to improve himself.

I love my wife more than everything in the world but if I kicked her out of the house everytime she freaked out, the hotel expenses would have bankrupted us by now. The same goes in reverse.

The problem with OP is that he has capitulated to a large extent and his self guilt is going to ultimately drive him out and before he knows it, another guy will be living in his house with his kids while he is trying to 'give her space'.

That is not to say that she's cheating on him now though nothing in 2017 surprises me. However, separation enables such situations
I agree mostly, I think he really over did the self guilt thing and he shouldn't be considering leaving solely based on that. I just see this as his wife leaning up against him and if he stumbled or something an accidentally bumped into her, she is going to use that as an accusation of abuse. I'm not saying I'm defending wife beaters but women do this all the time just to have an excuse to allege abuse. If he's going to let himself feel guilty about that, I don't know what to say.


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #77 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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do you suggest i give it to her f2f then?
I suggest you never, ever, in a million years send her that or give her this period. You don't get it.

What you are doing (acting on your emotions and trying to nicer her back, win her back, being vulnerable, etc.) is going to have the EXACT OPPOSITE EFFECT of what you want.

Do you beat your wife?
Do you yell and verbally abuse her on a regular basis?
Do you emotionally abuse her by withholding affection, withholding sex, give her the silent treatment, etc.?

From what I've read, the abuser is your wife. It happens because you are spineless and won't handle things until you blow up and then pitch a fit--- which negates your righteous indignation by the fact that you've now lost your temper.

You've got to change alright. You've got to stop accepting her BS and getting stronger.
I have been guilty of blowing up with anger and verbally abusing my SO. That is a WEAKNESS. Having some righteous anger and dealing with a problem in a firm, but respectful manner is a STRENGTH.

Stop being a pushover. Stop sucking up to your abusive wife. STOP. JUST FREAKING STOP.

Are you understanding anything I'm saying? You are likely not a rage monster. You are just not dealing with things and letting it build up until the pressure blows you up and you lose your temper.

NOTHING you have done qualifies you falling on the sword, yet again, due to getting upset with your wife's bad behavior.

Stop letting the feminists on here tell you what a monster you are for pushing your wife. You didn't get violent with her. She was looking for an excuse to make you out to be the bad guy. You are really in a bad state of mind for dealing with your wife.
I don't think you see reality because you have such a fear of losing her. That fear is SO COSTLY, if you let it make you lose your self confidence. I know from experience.
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post #78 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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I hope it goes ok.

slept terribly (expected), don't know if she even read the letter (i am sure she couldn't have missed it). Mornings are as awkward as ever, except i do take the extra effort to not be in her way. I did go about doing what i always do, send the kids to school. She did have extra breakfast for me like she usually does. I'm trying so hard not to engage with her and talk to her, but wow, is it painful. i'm also living in the basement amongst the clutter now (between craft paper towers) so it's kinda wierd too..

little daughter confided in me last night as i was tucking her into bed, telling me that she is really sad about what is going on, and her elder sister had told her that she should try to be nicer, perhaps mum/dad would not fight as much - that broke my heart. Had to tell her it's not her fault, and also told her i was moving to the basement so that we won't fight. Told her elder sisters this morning as i was driving them to school as well.

These are the kind of heartaches one can never prepare yourself for, and never imagine that would happen to yourself. terrible.
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post #79 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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little daughter confided in me last night as i was tucking her into bed, telling me that she is really sad about what is going on, and her elder sister had told her that she should try to be nicer, perhaps mum/dad would not fight as much -
These are the kind of heartaches one can never prepare yourself for, and never imagine that would happen to yourself. terrible.
Dam I am sorry that is heart breaking to hear, I have been speaking to my IC about impact on the Children and reading about it a lot since it scares me so much, apparently all you can do is not talk bad of other parent so they don't feel like they have to pick a side and constantly reassure them you love them and it is not there fault. @Grapes was telling me some stuff he learned in a Parenting class which I will also have to take soon as part of the divorce proceedings.

My thoughts are with you and your Children.

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #80 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:13 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

I would highly recommend taking the class if your state offers it or even if a near by state offers it. Its worth the cost and these places welcome anyone because they are in it for the kids. This is the exact kind of thing they talk about and provide you with tools to do your best.

Im really sorry you have to go through this and theres nothing more heartbreaking then seeing your little ones hurt
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post #81 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

I'm sure she got the letter already but in my opinion letters
never turn out the way you want them too.

Bad idea should have just moved. She knows why.
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post #82 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by alwaysconfusedandlost View Post
slept terribly (expected), don't know if she even read the letter (i am sure she couldn't have missed it). Mornings are as awkward as ever, except i do take the extra effort to not be in her way. I did go about doing what i always do, send the kids to school. She did have extra breakfast for me like she usually does. I'm trying so hard not to engage with her and talk to her, but wow, is it painful. i'm also living in the basement amongst the clutter now (between craft paper towers) so it's kinda wierd too..

little daughter confided in me last night as i was tucking her into bed, telling me that she is really sad about what is going on, and her elder sister had told her that she should try to be nicer, perhaps mum/dad would not fight as much - that broke my heart. Had to tell her it's not her fault, and also told her i was moving to the basement so that we won't fight. Told her elder sisters this morning as i was driving them to school as well.

These are the kind of heartaches one can never prepare yourself for, and never imagine that would happen to yourself. terrible.
The bolded gives me hope for you.

Your children are worth your humbling yourself and showing respect and empathy to your wife.

But I know you already know that.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #83 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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The bolded gives me hope for you.

Your children are worth your humbling yourself and showing respect and empathy to your wife.

But I know you already know that.
Thanks - how do i do the bolded (respect and empathy) when she doesn't share anything anymore with me? i mean, i have asked her "how was her day" and she ignores perhaps she is not ready to talk, but i have trouble wondering when she would be.

today has been a depressing day, and i'm stuck at work.
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post #84 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by alwaysconfusedandlost View Post
Thanks - how do i do the bolded (respect and empathy) when she doesn't share anything anymore with me? i mean, i have asked her "how was her day" and she ignores perhaps she is not ready to talk, but i have trouble wondering when she would be.

today has been a depressing day, and i'm stuck at work.
I'm sure it's hard. But hang in there.

Maybe do not approach her? But be present with the kids, and be helpful. Serve her through your actions. Be patient and gentle and kind, just like that article recommended.

She does love you. Remember how she was concerned about your diabetes, and wanted to help find food you could eat? If she did not love you, she would not try to help at all.

Keep reading that Hardened Wife article. Try browsing the rest of that Ultimate Husband website, too.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #85 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

OP, I posted this earlier today on another thread. You may want to check out this man's website:

This blogger shares his views on women's need for emotional security in marriage:

I think the #1 cause of divorce is relationship-damaging behavior by men who honestly don’t recognize it. Good men with good intentions who damage their wives’ emotional and mental health with behaviors they don’t understand to be as damaging as they are.

. . .

Men—boyfriends and husbands—often are so determined to defend their actions and feelings that they don’t actively listen to their upset girlfriends or wives. They HEAR them, saying words and being angry and stuff. But they don’t LISTEN. They don’t understand. They never figure out WHY their partner is saying and feeling these things.

. . .

After dozens, perhaps hundreds of attempts to explain what it is that upsets her, he generally responds angrily. Or tells her she’s wrong. Or tells her she’s just being emotional again. Or tells her she’s mentally unstable. Or simply walks away in frustration because he doesn’t want to fight anymore. Or maybe he’s really patient, and simply walks away confused after the conversation without fighting back, but also without ever understanding what she’s trying to communicate to him.

No matter which of those common responses occur with any given couple, each instance further weakens a wife or girlfriend’s faith in the relationship.

. . .

A wife or girlfriend loses trust in her husband or boyfriend after repeated attempts to explain why something hurts and requests for help in making it stop haven’t resulted in any positive outcomes nor any evidence that he wants the painful thing to stop.

Faced with feeling hurt every day for the rest of her marriage/relationship, and no evidence her committed partner is willing to be a partner in making something painful go away, she stops trusting him.


https://mustbethistalltoride.com/


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #86 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

You are listening closely to JLD.

She's telling you exactly what you want to hear. It's all your fault and you can fix it.

Sad thing is, you're now doomed.
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post #87 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
You are listening closely to JLD.

She's telling you exactly what you want to hear. It's all your fault and you can fix it.

Sad thing is, you're now doomed.
He is not "doomed."

He is going to counseling and will get professional advice there. In the meantime, it cannot hurt to be kind and respectful to his wife.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #88 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 04:44 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
You are listening closely to JLD.

She's telling you exactly what you want to hear. It's all your fault and you can fix it.

Sad thing is, you're now doomed.


YEP. Prepare to be trampled upon, taken advantage of and disrespected if you go this route.

This is not to say you should act like a jerk, either.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #89 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 04:57 PM
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

JLD has a good relationship w her husband. He is reasonable and not a nut case (heh heh).
What she doesn't have a clue about is how things work in the real world where one is dealing with an unreasonable, illogical, unloving jerk.
Nicey nice just fuels the fire for these broken types to see the GO sign on emotionally destroying you.
Your wife is not attempting to kick you out because she loves you.

You've been trying to use love, reason, respect, and patience for years. Look where you are.

Don't be mean, but for God's sake stand firm in stopping her mistreatment of you.

Be a good husband. Don't cower down and be a doormat.
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post #90 of 113 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 05:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: she is kicking me out :(

Got home to find my note crumpled up in a ball on my basement bed. So sad, as lost and confused as ever.
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